Image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/denemiles/ / CC BY-SA 2.0 “All glory comes from daring to begin.” Eugene F. Ware “With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.” Eleanor Roosevelt A few days ago I wrote about how to make that change you really want to stick this year. Today I’d like to continue on the theme of newness and fresh changes with this companion piece. 1. There is always a new beginning. “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.” Seneca “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” Helen Keller How often do we not miss the window of opportunity in a new situation just because we are still angry, sad or frustrated about that other door that just closed? To me this is another powerful reason to remind myself to stay in the present. To not get stuck and hung up on missed opportunities. When you are living in the present – which is a way to live on the positive and open part of the emotional scale too – and not stuck in the past I have found that it is a lot easier to find the hidden opportunities in any situation. So whenever you see a door closing, take your eyes off it at least pretty shortly after. And instead of letting your awareness linger on what is in the past, use your time and focus to find the new opportunity that lets you continue the unpredictable adventure that is life. 2. Just get started. “A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” Lao Tzu “So many fail because they don't get started – they don't go. They don't overcome inertia. They don't begin.” W. Clement Stone “The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.” Mark Twain Sitting at home on your hands and thinking about something or hoping will not get you far. To get something out of life you have to get going. It’s not always easy though as fear and inner resistance and simple inertia holds you in your place. So how can you make it easier? Well, you can certainly do what Mark Twain recommended, it works very well. You can also: Ask yourself: What is the worst that could happen? A lot of the fear we feel before getting started comes from fuzzy and foggy thoughts about what could happen. But if you actually imagine the worst scenario then it’s often not as frightening as you thought. You won’t die or anything. And it won’t ruin the rest of your life. Imagine the worst scenario and then try to create a plan focused on how you could get on your feet again if that scenario, against all probability, should happen. You’ll realize that whatever your fear is you could probably get back on your feet and back to normal life pretty quickly once again. Make a list of the reasons to get started. Do it on paper, on your computer or just in your head. When you stuck in fear and inaction it’s very easy to just focus on the negative aspects such as it being hard work or the risk of pain or failure. So you need to change what you are focusing on to motivate yourself to take action. Making a list of positives like benefits and possible opportunities can be very effective for turning your focus around. 3. The beginning doesn’t have to be perfect. “Beginnings are always messy” John Galsworth “All great deeds and all great thoughts have a ridiculous beginning. Great works are often born on a street corner or in a restaurant's revolving door.” Albert Camus When you read personal development blogs or books it’s easy to be lulled into a feeling of enthusiasm where everything will go smoothly if you just stick to the plan. But reality is a bit more messy. Plans go out the window or may need to be modified as soon as you put them into action. That’s OK. That’s normal. Be prepared for that. It doesn’t mean that what you learned won’t work. It just means that a book or article can’t explain all the intricacies of your life and situation. There will always be a bit of simplification and things that piece of text could not predict. So don’t go looking for perfect beginnings (or situations in general). Such hopes just tend to disappoint you since nothing or no one can live up to such unrealistic expectations. Instead, accept that this is how life is. This is also why perseverance, patience and going after what you really, really want is essential. Without those things you’ll fold and give up when you hit a snag, bump or fall flat on your face. Also, always keep a pen and paper – or a cellphone – nearby to write down all the great ideas that come to you in the strangest places.

Image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/notsogoodphotography/ / CC BY 2.0 “The greatest waste in the world is the difference between what we are and what we could become.” Ben Herbster “The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.” Flora Whittemore “The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.” Marcus Aurelius It’s a fresh new year. Although you can make a positive change in your life at any time most people get an extra dose of enthusiasm around this time of the year. That’s only natural. But how do you go about making changes that will stick? How do you not wind up in the same place where you started a few weeks or months from now? Below is a sort of checklist for 2010 that will help you to avoid some of the most common problems that people have when they trying make a change. I have created it so I have something to look back on as I move through this year. You may want to do the same. 1. Choose something YOU really want. It’s easy to tipsily declare your New Year’s resolution for 2010 when you got a glass of champagne in your hand. But do you actually want it? Maybe you don’t really want it that much. But the world around seems to want it. This doesn’t mean that you can’t achieve it. But it might be better to focus on what YOU really want. Both to steer your life in the direction you yourself want and to create positive internal motivation instead of external pressure you feel you have to live up to. How do you find out what you really want to do? By thinking and by experimenting and just trying things out (the image you have of something in your head can be very different from the actual experience). Get to know what you really want in your life. 2. Choose a main focus. Choose one main area of life to focus on each year. This makes it easier to actually get a lot of things done and taking massive action instead of getting lost in too many commitments and getting worn out by trying to balance all areas of life. This year I will be focusing on expanding and growing my business (which is this website at the moment, but soon a bit more than that). I have also set a smaller, secondary focus on developing and expanding my social life even more. Fitness and health that was my main focus in 2009 will take a backseat. I’ll mainly let it run on autopilot based on the positive changes I made last year. Think about what area of your life that you really want to focus on. It may be the area you know deep down that needs to most improvement. Or the area that you think you will reap the greatest rewards by improving. 3. Find a way that fits you. Different things fit different people. It did for example take me quite some time of trying different ways to do cardio exercise before I finally found body weight exercises. Experiment and find what works for you and what fits your personality. This will make it a lot easier to stick to your positive change and develop a relaxed consistency. 4. Set big goals, not reasonable ones. One mistake I made last year was to set a too small goal for how much money I wanted to make from my business each month. It was reasonable, but it also didn’t inspire me that much. By the summer I realized this and tripled the amount of money I wanted to make. Suddenly, I felt uncomfortable but also excited. My mind started to spit out solutions to help me reach that goal. I didn’t reach the goal in 2009 but my income shot up quite a bit during the last six months of that year. So this year I’m definitely setting bigger goals than I used to. I may not reach them but if you aim for the stars and wind up in the treetops then that’s still pretty great. 5. Set the goal but focus on the daily process. I for instance use this when I write and when I workout. I don’t take responsibility for the results in my mind. I take responsibility for showing up and doing my workout/writing. The results – I become stronger and the website grows – come anyway from that consistent action. And this makes it easier for me to take action when I know that is all I need to focus on. Instead of using half of the energy and focus I have available on hoping that I “reach my goal real, real soon”. Focus on the process and you will be a lot more relaxed and prone to continue than if you stare yourself blind on the potential results that never come as quickly as you want to and puts you on an emotional rollercoaster from day to day. 6. Find ways to overcome the things that cause you to relapse into old behavior. Stress may cause you to feel like smoking again. If so, find a few relaxation techniques that can help you. Worry may lead you to eating too much to feel better. If that is an issue that pops up for you then learn to reduce your worries in life. If you get stuck in inaction learn how to up your enthusiasm and motivation quickly or to just take action anyway. Find ways to turn bad days or moments into something positive once again. 7. Let other people help you out. If you’re about to quit smoking ask others who have overcome the addiction what their best tips are. Do some research on/offline. This can save you pain, frustration and it can help you to keep going. You can also tell people your goals to get accountability and motivation to take action. And you don’t have to go it alone. Finding someone who wants to make the same change that you want can make things easier. 8. Use laziness to your advantage. I’m kinda lazy. But I use that to my advantage by for example not having any sweets or cookies in my cupboards. I only have healthy stuff there. Since I may feel the craving for something sweet or a snack from time to time but I am too lazy to go to the store I wind up eating what I have at home. A simple habit that has helped me to improve my health. I also know that I am too lazy to go to the gym or go out running three times a week. So I workout at home. This has helped me to have very good consistency. Such small, invisible barriers can have a great impact on your daily life. Remove them or use them or to your advantage. 9. Don’t confuse homeostasis with “time to give up”. One big problem with making that change stick is homeostasis. What that means is that any system wants to be stable. That goes for you. And for the people around you. So after the initial enthusiasm for your new change in life wanes it may not feel as that much fun anymore. It’s sort of enthusiasm backlash. This is the homeostasis kicking in within your mind (no matter if the goal/habit etc. is actually very positive for you). It’s a resistance to change to keep the system (you) stable. If you are simply aware of this being what it is – rather than a signal to give up – you can persevere, be patient and keep going more easily. You should also be aware that the homeostasis may appear in the people around you too. Sure, you getting shape might be great. But it means changes in the lives of the people around you too (perhaps new food and nights spent running instead of watching TV with the family etc.). So the people around may react negatively in some way. Realize that it is the homeostasis in them, not that they are being mean. It’s their brains doing what’s natural to keep the system (the family, circle of friends etc.) stable when “scary change” intrudes. 10. Use reminders in your environment. I have written about this many times since it have found it very helpful for staying on track and making a change stick. Simply write down your goals on paper and put them where you can’t avoid seeing them every day. Your fridge, bathroom mirror and workspace are such places. Paper works fine for this but I have started using a medium sized whiteboard instead. There I can write – in big letters – what my main focus is, what my most important goals are and also any other important thought or perhaps quote that I want to be reminded of each and every day. 11. Don’t beat yourself up when you slip. You will most likely have a few bad days and fall flat on your face even if you follow the tips above. The important thing here is to not be too hard on yourself and keep on beating yourself up for a week. That could certainly lead to giving up altogether. Plus, it’s kinda pointless. Instead, learn what you can from the experience so you don’t have to repeat it too many times. Then get back on the horse again the next day. And keep going. Look at it like this: 2010 will pass no matter what you do. You will arrive at New Year’s Eve this year too. So if your fail or make some mistakes, so what? Since the time will pass no matter what you do you might as well try again. By doing that you can make 2010 your most awesome year yet. If you enjoyed this article, please share it on Stumbleupon and Twitter . Thank you very much! =)

Image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/notsogoodphotography/ / CC BY 2.0 “Quality questions create a quality life. Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers.” Anthony Robbins “Simplicity is making the journey of this life with just baggage enough.” Charles Dudley Warner Time is limited. The amount of time each day that you are able to focus and get things done is even smaller. You have a few precious hours. You can get things done faster by for instance setting deadlines and by batching similar tasks (like answering all your emails in a row). That works very well. But you don’t have to stop at just improving your practical methods. You can also improve how you think about these things. Or even what you think and don’t think about. One thing I have worked on this year is simplifying how I do things and cutting out a lot of irrelevant – or less relevant – stuff. Because if you don’t cut out and simplify you will probably never find time, energy and the necessary focus to do and enjoy what is most important to you. So here are 6 questions I have used this year and will use next year to make my life simpler, lighter and more positive. They help me to drop trash from my mind and to drop things I don’t really have to do. I hope you find a couple of favorites – or are reminded of a few – that will help you to do the same in 2010. 1. Who cares? This one has become a personal favorite this year. So simple, a bit ruthless and decisive in a way that cuts out the stuff that really doesn’t matter. Because a whole lot you imagine matters really doesn’t matter that much. So whenever you feel like delving into some nitpicking or some pettiness ask yourself this question. Or whenever you feel an overwhelming need to be right in some discussion. Or whenever someone does those things to you. Yes, nitpicking or having to be right can give you sort of high. You feel good. But it’s a dirty high. It never lasts for long. And you just create a lot of negativity within yourself and outside of yourself in the long run. Asking yourself “who cares?” is a way to lighten up, to not take every little thing so seriously. It is a way be more open and relaxed with yourself and the people around you. It’s simply a way to be cool about stuff and be the one who is in control of your life. Instead of getting derailed by every little detail. Variations of this question are: Am I taking this too seriously? Will this matter in 5 years? Ask them too, find a favorite or use them all. 2. What is the most important thing I can do right now? If you are lost in what to do next in your day, week or life, ask yourself this question. The answer might not always be what you want to hear because the most important thing is often one of the harder things you want to do too. But it can help you to check your priorities and stop you from getting lost in busy work – or Facebook or checking some inboxes/blog statistics etc. over and over during the day – and instead start tackling the big stuff. If you don’t feel like doing something even though you know it is important, check out the article I wrote a few days ago called How to Do Something Even When You Don’t Feel Like Doing It. 3. Would I rather be right or be happy? I touched a bit on this in the first question. But this issue deserves some space of its own because I believe it is very common in all kinds of relationships. Right in this question means the need to judge, the need to be right while interacting with other people. It’s not just about the guy who can’t be wrong in a discussion though. It’s about the thought that you don’t always have to be against people or things. You don’t have to exist in a “me against someone else” headspace. You don’t have to defend positions all the time or build walls. You can let go of the mentality that says “someday I’ll show them all!” that may be based in some sad stories from your youth. You can just relax, be cool and be with people instead of being against them in some subtle or not so subtle ways. Feeling like you are right can bring pleasure. But as I mentioned in the first question: it is a short-sighted and dirty high that creates negativity in the long run. And beyond that mental position there is a lot more connection and happiness to be found. 4. Am I in the present moment right now? This is one of my personal favorites. Both because it’s very easy to slip out of the present moment and back into negative and pointless thought loops about the past/future. And because it’s very beneficial to spend pretty as much of the time in your day as possible in the now. Why? I listed 7 reasons here : Improved social skills. Improved creativity. You appreciate your world more. Stress release. Less worry-warting and overthinking. Openness. Playfulness. If I find I’m not in present moment I reconnect with it by for instance: Belly breathing. I take belly breaths and just focus my breathing for a minute. Keeping the focus on the current external surroundings for minute. For example right now, I can look out of my window and see the Christmas decorations in the house next door. I see the plant in my window that probably needs some water. I hear a clock ticking. I feel that the floor is a bit cold. I use my senses to take in the world around me right now and to reconnect with the present moment. Taking action. Taking action and doing things tends to put you in the present moment a lot of the time. It works pretty well for me at least. 5. Am I detached from the results? If you are doing something – writing, playing a sport, holding a speech etc – you can really put obstacles in your own way by being attached to a certain result. When it’s game-time, when you are out on the court, stay unattached to the outcome. Or you will get nervous and fumble. This is for when you are out there playing. In between those times you can think about your goals and possible outcomes. But when you play/blog/work/are having some kind of social interaction etc. be present and stay unattached to the outcome . Just focus on what is in front of you. Things will become easier. You will feel lighter and more focused. You’ll create less inner anxiety and pressure for yourself. And you will perform better because you are focusing on what’s right in front of you and not weighing yourself down with a lot of imagined or real expectations from other people and self-created negativity. 6. Is there anyone on the planet having it worse than me right now? When I am stuck on focusing on the negatives, when I feel like a victim and that things are against me I ask myself this question. The answer may not result in positive thoughts, but it can sure snap you of a somewhat childish “poor, poor me…” attitude pretty quickly. I understand that I have much to be grateful for in my life. This question changes my perspective from a narrow, self-centred one into a much wider one. It helps me to lighten up about my situation. After I have changed my perspective I usually ask another question like: What is the hidden opportunity within this situation? That is very helpful to keep your focus on how to solve a problem or get something good out a current situation. Rather than asking yourself “why?” over and over and thereby focusing on the negatives and making yourself feel worse and worse.

Image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/grrphoto/ / CC BY 2.0 “The successful person has the habit of doing the things failures don't like to do. They don't like doing them either necessarily. But their disliking is subordinated to the strength of their purpose.“ E.M Gray “Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.” Jim Rohn “With self-discipline most anything is possible.” Theodore Roosevelt Often you have to do something you don’t feel that much like doing. Such is life. Maybe it’s telephone call where you risk rejection in some way. Maybe it is finishing a report or essay for work/school. Maybe it’s just about getting those dishes done or going to the gym. So what do you do? Do you get up off the chair and get going? Or do you procrastinate and decide to do it “another day”? I do a bit of both. But I have found a few ways to improve my consistency – one of the most important things for any kind of success – pretty dramatically and make things easier. Step 1: Accept it. When you feel resistance within towards doing something the natural instinct may be to try to push that feeling away. To brush it off. I have found that doing the opposite and just accepting that it is there can do wonders. Tell yourself: “This is how I feel right now and I accept it”. This sounds counterintuitive and perhaps like you’re giving up. However by accepting how you feel instead of resisting it you reduce the emotional energy that you are feeding into this problem. It then tends to just kinda lose speed like a car that runs out of fuel. And oftentimes it becomes so weak after while that it just moves out of your inner focus and disappears. This step may be all you need to reduce the negative feelings enough to be able to start taking action. If not, move on to the next step. Step 2: List the positives. After you have accepted how you feel list the positives of getting this thing done. Do it on paper, on your computer or just in your head. When you don’t feel like doing something it’s very easy to get stuck and just focus on the negative aspects such as it being hard work or the risk of pain or failure. So you need to change what you are focusing on to motivate yourself to take action. Making a list of positives like benefits and possible opportunities can be very effective for turning your focus around. If you have problems getting started ask yourself questions that will empower you. Questions like: What is awesome about this situation? What is the hidden opportunity in this situation? You can pretty much always find positives about anything. There are lessons to be learned about yourself and your world and opportunities to be found if you look at things the right way. Step 3: Just do it. You should now have reduced much of the resistance within and feel more motivated to start taking action and getting your thing done. It is at this point tempting to start thinking again. To reconsider and ponder. But I have found that if you do that then it easy to fall back into the same place where you began. You start to question doing this. Your focus starts to turn back to the negative aspects again. So when I am at this point I usually just stop thinking and get my butt out of the chair. I get moving and I just do it. If you enjoyed this article, please share it on Stumbleupon and Twitter . Thank you very much! =)

“My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well.” “I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all!” “If you take everything I've accomplished in my life and condense it down to one day, it looks decent!” You can learn a lot from people. Personal development stars like Wayne Dyer or Eckhart Tolle. Or your family. Or a friend. Or even a walking disaster like George Costanza, the iconic and miserable character from the classic TV-show “Seinfeld”. Now back on the fake reunion show that is taking place on Larry David’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm”. Much can be learned from the great life of Costanza. Mostly what to avoid doing. 1. Believe in it. And yourself. “Jerry, just remember: It's not a lie if you believe it.” That quote may not be the best piece of advice in itself. But the thought is very interesting. Because the belief you have behind your words can have a huge difference. People often focus a bit too much on the words. But how are they said? With confidence? With a relaxed 100 percent conviction? Or mumbly and a bit stumbley? If you can’t say something with confidence then it may not matter what you say. People won’t listen. They won’t be swayed and captured by you. OK, so how can you improve this part of your life? One tip is being present. If you are in the moment while saying something then that tends to add a lot of weight to your words and remove incongruence and conflicting thoughts. You can find ways to become more present in your daily life here . Also, if you think you can do something then you can. If you don’t think so then it will be very hard to do it. So work on building that confidence in yourself. Here are three tips to get you started: Take action. Get it done. The most important step in building self confidence is simply to take action. Working on something and getting it done. Sitting at home and thinking about it will just make you feel worse. Face your fear. Look, I could tell you to do affirmations or other exercises for months in front of your mirror. It may have a positive effect. Just like preparing yourself it may help you to take action with more confidence. But to be frank, if you don’t face your fears you won’t experience any better self confidence on a deeper and more fundamental level. Having experiences where you face your fear is what really builds self confidence. There is no way around it. Realize that failure or being wrong will not kill you. You have to face your fear. Because it is only then that you discover the thing that billions of people throughout history have discovered before you. Failure won’t kill you. Nor will being wrong. The sky will not fall down. That’s just what people that haven’t faced their fear yet think. The thing is to reframe failure from being something that makes your legs shake to something useful and important for the growth of your self confidence and your overall growth as a human being. Because you really learn things and you become stronger and your chances of succeeding increase through failure. 2. Do the opposite. In one episode – the on called “The Opposite” – George’s life turns from a series of disappointments and disasters to a string of successes. How does he do it? By doing the exact opposite of what he has been doing all his life. When you start studying personal development it’s a bit like that. You realise that difference between you and more successful people isn’t just that the successful ones are working harder. They are doing something else than you are doing. Some of these things are pretty counter intuitive. Personal growth isn’t always doing the exact opposite of what you’ve done before. But it is about trying out beliefs and methods that isn’t “common sense” or doing what you may think that most people do. It is about taking a leap of faith and sometimes keep doing things for a period of time – not just over the weekend, but for months – until you get that first success and you realise, not just on an intellectual level but an emotional too, that this stuff really works and that you can really change. So learn what you can from people who have already done what you want to do. Take a leap of faith once in a while and try what they say even though it may sound a bit odd. Do things that feel unusual for you – while using common sense of course – to expand your comfort zone in small and big situations and to gain and understanding of things really are. Rather than getting lost in your own theories based on what you have experienced so far in life. 3. Don’t blow things out of proportion. George really has a knack for blowing things out of proportions. A kind gesture like paying for a big salad is interpreted as an insult and as someone looking down on him. So why do people do such things in real life too and how can you stop yourself from doing it? One reason could be to protect oneself from pain. By actually doing things, failing and learning you also need to expose yourself to pain and discomfort. By overcomplicating things and over thinking them you can create a helpful excuse to not take action. Instead you can remain in a state where you are “still trying to figure things out” for a long time. Another reason is to feel good about oneself in an odd way. By making things more complicated than they need to be you can make them feel very important. And since you are involved in these important things, well, then you have to be important too, right? Now, on to decreasing these kinds of things in your own life: Zoom out. Ask better questions. Not why is the whole world against me questions like George tends to ask. But: “Does someone on the planet have it worse than me?” “Will this matter in 5 years?” These questions help you zoom out and realize that in most cases things aren’t really that bad and you can handle them. Bring awareness to you own thought patterns. Ask yourself questions like: “Honestly, am I overcomplicating this?” and “What is the simplest and most straightforward solution to my problem that I may be avoiding to protect myself from pain?” Get a life. If you have too much time on your hands then it’s easy to start thinking and thinking about something until you made a hen out of a feather. If you feel like you have a habit of doing this then add more activities to your life. Then you will have more fun and less time to sit around thinking about things that are pretty pointless. 4. Sometimes coffee is not coffee. In one hilarious scene – in the episode “The Phone Message” – George and a woman is at the end of a date. It is midnight and they are sitting in his car. Woman: Do you want come upstairs for a cup of coffee? George: No thanks, if I drink coffee this late at night, it keeps me up. Woman: Well, ok, good night… George: Take it easy. End of date. Sometimes a cup of coffee isn’t a cup of coffee. And words are only one part of communication. Being open to using common sense and experience and not just listening to words in a straightforward, logical manner can help you improve your communication skills. And prevent situations where a bad time is had by all. 5. Drop your grudges. Forgive and forget. In the episode “The Apology” George wants an apology. A few years ago George was at a New Year’s party. He was freezing and wanted to borrow a sweater made of Cashmere wool. But the host said: “No, I don’t want to have the neck hole stretched out.” And everybody at the party laughed. When George learns that the host is going through the 12-step program and is apologizing to the people he has wronged in the past George sees his chance. But the guy calmly and mockingly says that he doesn’t need to apologize. And so George of course become angrier and angrier throughout the episode that ends with him screaming at a Rageoholics Anonymous-meeting. Hilarious on TV. Pretty pointless in real life. It’s easy to get wrapped up in thinking that forgiveness is just about something you “should do”. But forgiving can in a practical way be extremely beneficial for you. As long as you don’t forgive someone you are linked to that person. Your thoughts will return to the person who wronged you and what s/he did over and over again. The emotional link between the two of you is so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil – most often in other people around you too. When you forgive you do not only release the other person. You set yourself free too from all of that agony. 6. It is a problem if you think it is a problem. One of the big ongoing issues about George is that he’s going bald and how it makes him feel less attractive. I think the big issue here is that George so fixated on his baldness that people pick up on it. If you are going bald or perceive something to be very negative about your appearance then it’s a problem if you think it’s a problem. If you are ok with it, people in general will be ok with it. Or rather, they won’t think about whatever the issue might be. Your world is often a response to what you think and believe. 7. You are your own worst enemy. George tries to manipulate women and everyone is various elaborate ways. But he never really changes. And so life never changes for him. At least not for long. Soon he is back where he started. Many episodes end with George self sabotaging a good thing by for example blowing something out of proportion. He does not feel worthy of success. So how do you get past being your own worst enemy and become better friends with yourself? It’s not a simple thing. But to feel more worthy of success and not blow it by self sabotaging you have to live a life where you feel worthy. I don’t think there is any way around this. It’s not easy but it does work. If you do your best, if you do what you feel deep down is the right thing over and over then when some opportunity comes along you’ll think that you are indeed a good person who has worked very hard and been through ups and downs. You feel good about yourself and you feel worthy. Another great tip to increase self-love is to love other people more. The way you behave and think towards others seems to have a big, big effect on how you behave towards yourself and think about yourself. Judge people more and you tend to judge yourself more. Be more kind to other people and help them and you tend to be more kind and helpful to yourself. A bit counter intuitive perhaps, but that has been my experience.

Image by Wolfgang Staudt ( license ). “First we make our habits, then our habits make us.” Charles C. Noble “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” Aristotle Changing a habit is not always easy. It becomes even harder to change when you make what I believe are some common mistakes. I have at least made them quite a few times. So I hope you’ll find something helpful in this article. Something that will make it at least a bit easier to change your habits and change your life. 1. Trying to change too many habits at once. This is perhaps the most common mistake. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the enthusiasm and the hope that you will give your life a total overhaul. Nothing wrong with that. But in my experience you won’t be able to keep it up until your new habits are established and stable. Sure, you can live on your enthusiasm for a week or two. But sooner or later life interferes or the stress of doing it all at once causes too much inner and outer resistance and you give up. Changing a habit is a lot of mental effort. You have resistance from within as your mind tries to drag you back to the comfort it has known for so long (no matter if that familiar place isn’t that healthy for you). You may face resistance from the outside as people question your change. Changing just one habit at a time may seem pretty boring. But do you want the excitement of the thought that you are completely changing your life but then have little to no results later on? Or do you want a real change in your life? If you want the real change then you may have to take the more boring and patient route. My advice would be to go for the one habit you want the most right now and just focus on that one. And to let go of listening to the voice of the inner child that tells you “I want it all right now!”. 2. You are not doing it long enough. When I tried to add a habit of working out each week I think I failed about four times before it really stuck. A common piece of knowledge is that you should do something for 21 days and it will stick as a new habit. For me it has taken longer than that. It has been messier. It does seem to matter how much effort it takes to incorporate the new habit. And how much discomfort it causes you. Some habits I have slipped into quite easily within just a few weeks. But allowing for at least 60 days or up to 90 days to work on your new habit – with a few periods of slumps or failure during that period – before it sticks doesn’t seem unrealistic to me. 3. Not finding the right way for you. When I wanted to lose weight and increase my energy I knew I needed to do more cardio. I tried running. I tried the elliptical bicycle in the gym. None of them was much fun at all. I really didn’t like them. I didn’t really get the cardio habit to stick until I started using the bodyweight circuits from the Turbulence Training program in the beginning of 2009. I liked them because they were quick and intensive and I could them anywhere as long as there was a floor. That combination really helped me to stick the program. So experiment. Find the solution that fits you. 4. Missing the comfort of the old habit and slipping back into that. The mind doesn’t like when you step out of your comfort zone to change your habits. You feel discomfort. You feel some kind of pain perhaps. Your body is giving you signals that something is not as it has been for a long while. The body tells you that what you are doing doesn’t feel “safe” and familiar. It’s easy to miss that old familiarity enough to slip back into your old behaviour. So what do you do? You have to be aware that this is probably how a change in habits will work. Your mind will offer resistance. There were probably also some benefits that you got from your old habit. You have to accept that you are giving up those benefits for the even better benefits of your new habit. When you are feeling like going back to your old ways remind yourself of all the new and good things you will get out of your new habit. 5. Aiming for perfection instead of improvement. Take it easy on yourself. If you slip back into your old behaviour even though you reminded yourself of the new benefits then don’t beat yourself up. It’s not a big deal. Everyone slips from time to time. Just get back on the horse the next day again. But learn what you can so you don’t fall into the same hole or do the same mistake again. If you are working on for instance a habit of being present during your daily life understand that such a habit is gradual. It would be nice if you could flick it like a light switch. With simple, physical habits like decluttering for 5 minutes each day you may be able to do this 95 percent or even 100 percent of the time. With being present or being positive in all situations you build it up gradually. You will most likely not be able to do it 100 percent of the time. And that’s OK. Striving for perfection for such big changes is just you setting the bar at an inhuman level and it will not help you. 6. You leave a vacuum. If you just stop doing something, like for instance eating junk food and sweets or stopping to see the negative stuff in every conversation you create a vacuum. It is possible to just stop. But I have found that it becomes easier to change if you replace your old habit with a new and more positive one. You fill out the space you created and so you are less likely to get sucked back into the old habit. When I got into better shape I filled my cupboards and fridge with vegetables, fruits, nuts and healthy stuff. I had no candy or cookies at home. Because I knew that I would inevitably snack on them. I replaced one snacking habit with a healthier one instead of stopping completely. 7. You don’t consider likely obstacles and pitfalls along the way. No matter what habit you trying to add to your life you are not the first person to do so. So look for what other people have done. What pitfalls or problems did they run into? What plan did they follow? What problems or obstacles do you think you might run into? Don’t look for a perfect plan before you get started because then you may never get started. But do some research. Google for articles. Ask the people around you that have done what you want to do. Learning from other people’s mistakes and successes can save you time and effort. http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/turbulence-training/

Image by muha… ( license ). “May you have warmth in your igloo, oil in your lamp, and peace in your heart!” Eskimo proverb “The simplification of life is one of the steps to inner peace. A persistent simplification will create an inner and outer well-being that places harmony in one's life.” Peace Pilgrim I believe a lot of people want more inner peace and calmness in their lives. But how can we find it in the busy daily life? Here are 9 of my own favorite tips. Set limits. If your life is overfilled with stuff you may need to set some limits. You may need to stop doing some of the least important things, the things that if you are honest really don’t matter that much. Don’t hold yourself to “perfect” standards. And set a limit for how many times you will check inboxes etc. per day. Checking on stuff all the time creates a lot of stress. And say no if you really don’t have the time. Find a relaxation technique that works for you. I like belly breathing and working out to release tensions and recharge during the day. What works for you? Long walks, music, yoga, meditation or going for a swim? Find out and do that. Don’t make mountains out of molehills. This can create a lot of unnecessary stress. When facing what looks like a mountain then ask yourself questions like: Does someone on the planet have it worse than me? Will this matter in 5 years? These questions help you zoom out and realize that in most cases things aren’t really that bad and you can handle them. Slow down. Your emotions work backwards too. If you slow down then while walking, moving your body or talking you can often start to feel less stressed (compared to if you move/talk fast).Slowing down to decrease stress goes for many other things you do in everyday life too like riding your bicycle, driving the car, working at your desk and eating. Declutter your world, declutter your mind. Just take 5 minutes to declutter your workspace or the room you are in. A decluttered, simplified and ordered space around you brings clarity and order to the mind. So don’t stop at the workspace. Declutter, simplify and organize your home and life too to live in a more relaxing environment. Accept and let go. Now is now. But if something negative from the past – something someone said, something someone did – is still in your mind then accept and let that feeling and thought in instead of trying to push it away. When it is there, when you accept that it is then it starts to lose power. And while the facts may still be there in your head the negative feelings are much less powerful or gone. At this point, let that thing go like you are throwing out a bag of old clothes. And direct your focus to the present moment and something better instead. Escape for a while. Read a novel (I like twisty thrillers), watch your favorite TV-show or a movie. It’s simple but it works well to just release pressure and relax. Do one thing at a time. Multitasking splits your focus and leaves you with mediocre results and less enjoyment while sucking the energy out of you. When you do a thing do just that. Be there. Don’t try to do something else physically or in your mind. I have found that doing this always helps me to find inner calmness again. Solve a problem that is weighing down on you. Don’t procrastinate anymore. Solve your problem and release it and all the underlying stress and tension that it is creating in your life. You probably already know what to do, you are just not doing it yet. But the longer you wait the worse the tension inside becomes. So get up from your chair and get started on doing it now. If you enjoy this article, please share it on Stumbleupon and Twitter . Thank you very much! =)

Image by tbondolfi ( license ). “Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking.  There are too many people who think that the only thing that's right is to get by, and the only thing that's wrong is to get caught.” J.C. Watts “Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world.” George Bernard Shaw “Goodness is the only investment that never fails.” Henry David Thoreau One of the most powerful things you can do for yourself and your world is doing what you feel deep down is the right thing. What is the right thing? Well, that is up to you. Often you have a little voice in your head that tells what the right thing is. Or a gut feeling. Here are a few suggestions though: Being kind instead of being judgmental/ trying to put someone down to feel better about yourself. Eating a healthy meal and then going to the gym instead of lying on the couch eating chips and watching TV. Doing the dishes and other chores instead of slacking off. Putting a stop to feeling like a victim with everything against you and instead looking at the opportunities and taking action. It isn’t always easy. So I use these win/win-reasons to motivate myself to do the right thing. If you know why you are doing something and how it benefits you and the people around you then it becomes easier to do. And over time you can become more and more consistent with it. 1. You raise your self esteem. When you don’t do the right thing you are not only sending out signals out into your world. You are also sending signals to yourself. When you don’t do the right thing you don’t feel good about yourself. You may experience emptiness or get stuck in negative thought loops. It’s like you are letting yourself down. You are telling yourself that you can’t handle doing the right thing. To not do the right thing is a bit like punching yourself in the stomach. But the more you do the right thing on a consistent basis the more you tend to like yourself. Your esteem of yourself goes up. This is also a cure to the often common habit of being a validation/approval junkie. That’s when you do things to get people to like you, compliment you etc. You want to feel good about yourself so you try to get other people to give you those feelings. Now, there’s nothing wrong with getting positive feelings from other people as an extra bonus. But if you have no inner spring of positive feelings about yourself at all then life becomes a rollercoaster of positive and negative emotions. Everyone around you control how you feel and may also wield a big influence over how you think. By doing the right thing you create that inner spring of validation and positive emotions. You become steadier, calmer and more centred. 2. It feels really good. One of the simplest ways to create positive feelings within and maintaining them in a steady way is to do the right thing throughout your day. This of course starts a positive upward spiral of positivity not only within you but around you as positive feelings are highly contagious. 3. You get great results. By doing what you feel is the right thing you focus on creating a better outside and inside while at the same time you cut out less relevant stuff from your inner and outer life. So you become more focused on doing that is most important to you. And as with anything you tend to get what you give. When you give value to people, when you help them then they will often want to help you and give you value in some form. Not everyone will do it but many will. Not always right away but somewhere down the line. Things tend to even out. But most people wait for the other person to do something positive first. Don’t get stuck in that wait that just causes frustration. Be proactive, create a habit of taking the first step, put in the extra effort and you tend to get good stuff back. Don’t do it and you tend to get less good stuff back from the world. 4. Deservedness. I believe this may be one benefit of doing the right thing that people often forget about. Because is it just enough to get motivated and take action to get what you want? Maybe. But if you deep down don’t really think you deserve what you go after then you will tend to sabotage for yourself. Perhaps in subtle ways. You may get a gut feeling that this success is wrong and so you start doing stuff that screws things up. So how do you make yourself feel like you deserve something? Well, you may do affirmations or some other exercise to make yourself feel better about yourself. But I think that what is most potent for your mind is actual proof. When you do the right thing over and over you tell your mind that you are indeed a good person. And slowly it starts to accept that this is indeed the new truth about you. The feelings of deservedness are also essential to maintaining a new self image. When you try to make a big change in your life and make it stick then in some way your self image needs to be changed. You need to start seeing yourself as a healthy and fit person for example instead of couch potato or you will easily slip back into your old habits once again. Doing the right thing not only in the health area of your life but also for example your work and relationships provides your mind with a ton of proof that you are someone who deserves what s/he want. Just from my own experience I have found that if I have a day when I do nothing right then it is very easy slip back into old thought patterns. But by doing the right thing in many areas I tend to rarely slip back into old and more negative behavior and thoughts. I become steadier in my new, more positive self image. If you like this article, please share it on Stumbleupon and Twitter . Thank you very much! =) http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2009/01/09/how-to-create-a-kick-ass-2009-my-top-10-favourite-timeless-tips/

Image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jurvetson/ / CC BY 2.0 “When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” Lao Tzu One destructive habit is to constantly compare your life and yourself to other people and their lives. You compare cars, houses, jobs, shoes, money, relationships, social popularity and so on. And at the end of the day you create a lot of negative feelings within. And perhaps also outside of yourself. But how can you stop doing it? Or at least get control of it and use it in a better way? Well, here are five tips that have helped me. 1. Be kind. The way you behave and think towards others seems to have a big, big effect on how you behave towards yourself and think about yourself Judge people more and you tend to judge yourself more. Be more kind to other people and help them and you tend to be more kind and helpful to yourself. A bit counter intuitive perhaps, but that has been my experience. The more you love other people, the more your love yourself. So focus your mind on helping people and being kind. This is very helpful to move away from judging yourself and others so much. And instead focus on the positive things in yourself and the people around you. You become more OK with yourself and the people in your world instead of ranking them and yourself and creating differences in your mind. You are OK and so are they. 2. Don’t fall into the trap of hero worship. When you start to make myths out of people – even though they may have produced extraordinary results – you run the risk of becoming disconnected from them. You can start to feel like you could never achieve similar things that they did because they are so very different. So it’s important to keep in mind that everyone is just a human being no matter who they are. When you have some heroes you are likely to think more about the opposite too. And place people into neat and tidy folders. You may create villain-like images of people in your world. But in truth, things can be kinda messy. Putting someone on a pedestal or making a villain out of them create barriers in your head and life. It may give you a sense of being right. But it can hold you back from positive experiences too. Openness is in the long run more fun than being judgemental. 3. Just realize that you can’t win. Just consciously realizing this can be helpful. No matter what you do you can pretty much always find someone else in the world that has more than you or are better than you at something. Yes, you may feel good for a while when you get a nicer car than you neighbour. But a week or two later you’ll see someone from the next block with an even finer car than yours. 4. Give up both sides of comparing. If you can’t stop doing the negative comparisons then stop doing them both. Because if you’re in the headspace where you compare to feel better about yourself then it’s hard to stop it and not also start to compare in way that make you feel worse and inferior. So you may need to step out of that whole comparing habit because the two sides are often connected. Give up the upside to be able to move away from the downside. 5. Compare yourself to yourself. Instead of comparing yourself to other people create the habit of comparing yourself to yourself. See how much you have grown, what you have achieved and what progress you have made towards your goals. This habit has the benefit of creating gratitude, appreciation and kindness towards yourself as you observe how far you have come, the obstacles you have overcome and the good stuff you have done. You feel good about yourself without having to think less of other people. Bonus tip: Use helpful comparisons. So are there no helpful comparisons that you do between yourself and other people? Sure there are. One exercise I use when I for example feel sorry for myself is to ask myself: “Does someone have it worse on the planet?” The answer may not result in positive thoughts, but it can sure snap you of a somewhat childish “poor, poor me…” attitude pretty quickly. I understand that I have much to be grateful for in my life. This question changes my perspective from a narrow, self-centred one into a much wider one. It helps me to lighten up about my situation. But if doing such helpful comparisons also leads you to constantly compare yourself to others in a negative way then you may need to stop and give up the comparing habit altogether as I mentioned in tip # 4. And then later on, sometime in the future, when your mind is more peaceful and positive, you may want to incorporate questions like the one above. Or not. Experiment and find a balance and way that works for you. If you enjoyed this article please share it on Stumbleupon and Twitter . Thank you very much! =)

Image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/evilerin/ / CC BY 2.0 “Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice” Wayne Dyer “For myself I am an optimist – it does not seem to be much use being anything else” Winston Churchill If you are reading this then there is good chance that you agree with me that positivity is pretty awesome. But it is not always easy to adopt a more positive attitude and there are some pitfalls. So today I’d like to share a few mistakes that I have made in this area and that I think are fairly common. 1. Thinking 100 percent positivity. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that when you adopt a positive attitude then it’s just on. Like when you flick a light switch. And that would be nice and simple, wouldn’t it? But in my experience you improve gradually with a few bigger leaps from time to time. For example, today I stay positive for about 80 percent of the time. Four years ago or so, I was probably positive for about 30 percent of the time. So I have made big improvements in this area. But it has taken years and lots of exploring and work to have a more consistently positive attitude. And the work continues. Mental fitness is like physical fitness. If you let things slide then you get out of shape and then you can’t do the things you used to do. I think it is very important to be aware that nothing will ever be perfect. Striving for perfection can be pretty dangerous. Because you will never feel like you are good enough. Even though you may be positive 90 percent of the time you still feel deep inside like you aren’t OK. No matter what you do. You have set the bar at an inhuman level. And so your self esteem stays low even though your results may be very good. So I think it’s better to just focus on gradually being more consistent instead trying to be perfect. 2. Thinking it’s just about your thoughts. One good way to become a more positive person is to ask questions that empower you instead of making you feel like a victim. If you are in negative situation you can for instance ask yourself: what is the hidden opportunity in this situation? So one part of a positive attitude is about learning to think in more helpful way. But it’s not just about your thoughts. I have found that one of the best ways to turn around a negative mood or just to remain positive and strong is to work out. After you are done it sometimes feels like you are different person. Doubt and worries just seem to fall away or at least become a lot smaller. This nice thing about this is that it works kinda automatically. Because sometimes you just can’t pump up your own enthusiasm or motivation. Or see things from a positive perspective. When working out you don’t have to think or push through such inner resistance. You go and you work out. And most of the time it works like pushing a stress and tension release button in yourself. Being in pretty good shape and working out a couple of times a week is to me one of the most fundamental and effective things you can do to improve your attitude and life. You may discover that if you improve this area of your life then many of the tips for how to think in more positive way become a bit superfluous. 3. Can’t let go of the benefits of your current attitude. At some point you have to make up your mind. Will you go for the benefits of adopting more positive attitude? Or will you stay with benefits of a negative attitude? Because there are benefits to both of them. It’s not like a negative attitude is something that is just stupid and something people do without any reason. A negative attitude can for example give you this: Attention and validation. You can always get good feelings from other people as they are concerned about you and try to help you out. No risks. When you are negative you can find explanations for why nothing will work. And so you don’t have to take action and have to risk for example rejection or failure. A feeling of being smarter and right. A common attitude of very negative people seems to be – and it was in my case – that you think you are smarter than other people. They do, fumble and fail. While you can judge and analyse life and them from a safe distance. It’s not hard to feel smarter than most people when you are always on the sidelines. But it’s not clever. In the end it’s just sad. So there are a few benefits and quite a bit of pleasurable feelings to be drawn from a negative attitude. But I have found that a positive attitude – although it may sometimes be harder to keep up – is more helpful and just makes life a lot more exciting and fresh. To be able to have a more consistent positive attitude you will probably have to let go of the negative attitude and those benefits or you’ll get stuck at a certain level. You can find some of the best reasons to adopt the positive attitude and how to do it in this article . 4. Swimming in a sea of negativity. If you are trying to change your attitude then it’s not very helpful to live in a world where forces try to drag you back to your old mindset each day. It makes it very hard to change. What you allow into your mind will have a big effect on you. So be selective. If you’re hanging out with negative people all the time then that can really drag you down. It’s not easy to stay optimistic when pessimism is the default mode in your world. Another part of this is getting hooked on the news and prophecies of the sky falling. The sky is probably not falling. Consider spending less time with negative voices. Cut back on – or cut out – seeing negative people. Cut back on watching the news or even more spectacularly negative TV-shows. But don’t forget to replace that old stuff you cut out with something more positive instead. If you have a vacuum in your life then you are more likely to revert back to your old habits. You can for instance replace reading the newspaper in the morning with listening to personal development CDs, watching something fun or just having a good conversation with someone. 5. Confusing positivity with trying to please everyone. Positivity isn’t about being nice and trying to please everyone. Or accepting everything that people do to you. Being nice is wonderful thing. But letting people walk all over you and accepting it with a smile and a positive attitude won’t help you. We do to a large extent choose how we want to be treated. How you expect people to treat you can have a big effect on how you allow yourself to act and how people around you view and treat you. If you start creating a role for yourself where you always let people do what they want to you then you may create some pretty destructive and negative things. You may create an identity for yourself where you get used to always taking whatever anyone doles out. You create a kind of victim identity where you may look happy on the outside but don’t feel so good on the inside. But since you have gotten used to it after a while you may accept it and think that: this is just who I am. You may create a concept in the minds of the people around you that it’s OK to treat you this way. Either because you seem so positive despite what they are doing so they think it’s OK. Or just because you aren’t saying no and some people may take advantage of that. Look, you can’t please everyone. I think both Eleanor Roosevelt and Buddha have mentioned something along the lines that whatever you do there will always be people who don’t like what you are doing. And that’s OK. That’s normal. Going around trying to please everyone at your own expense isn’t healthy though. Or even a realistic thing to attempt. It eats away at you both mentally and physically. So be nice. Be positive. But make sure you set your own standards, rules and limits too. Combine the positive attitude and smiles with assertiveness and with being proactive . And remember that you might as well do what you want because there will always be critics.

Image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/circo_de_invierno/ / CC BY 2.0 ”Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.” Benjamin Franklin “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” Elbert Hubbard “If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.” George F. Burns Worries. They can circle around and around in your head. Becoming louder and louder as they sap your strength and make you feel you weaker. It’s no fun. So what can you do about it? Here are five timeless thoughts to help you overcome or at least lessen the worries in your life. I hope you find something helpful. 1. 80-90 percent of what you fear will happen never really come into reality. “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” Winston Churchill “If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.” E. Joseph Cossman This is a big one but one that is easy to forget about. Most things you fear will happen never happen. They are just monsters in your own mind. And if they happen then they will most often not be as painful or bad as you expected. Worrying is most often just a waste of time. This is of course easy to say. But if you remind yourself of how little of what you feared throughout your life that has actually happened you can start to release more and more of that worry from your thoughts. 2. Don’t mountains out of molehills. “Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.” Swedish Proverb “Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.” Arthur Somers Roche “If you treat every situation as a life and death matter, you'll die a lot of times.” Dean Smith It’s very easy to fall into the habit of making mountains out of molehills. You think and think about a small problem until it becomes something that you believe may ruin your life. So why do we do it? Why don’t strive to make things easy and simple? Well, one reason I believe is protection from pain. By making the problem huge can you can invent a helpful excuse to convince yourself to not take action. Another reason is that the ego wants more. It wants to feel better or worse than someone else. By making things more complicated than they need to be you can make them feel very important. And since you are involved in these important things, since you have these BIG problems, well, then you have to be important too, right? Plus, by doing so you can get a lot of attention and comfort from other people. So how do you get out of the habit of making mountains of molehills? Three tips: Zoom out. Ask questions that widen your current perspective. Questions like: “Does someone have it worse on the planet?” The answer may not result in positive thoughts, but it can sure snap you of a somewhat childish “poor, poor me…” attitude pretty quickly. This question changes the perspective from a narrow, self-centred one into a much wider one and helps me to lighten up about my situation and to be grateful about my life. Bring awareness to you own thought patterns. Ask yourself questions like: “Honestly, am I overcomplicating this?” and “What is the simplest and most straightforward solution to my problem that I may be avoiding to protect myself from pain?” Realize that much of this is in your head. Your relationships to what you want to achieve are – just like your relationships to people – to a large extent just in your head. Think that something is easy and simple instead of “heavy” and complicated and your perception of that external thing you want to achieve tends to change too. Experiment and find healthy and effective relationships to what you want to achieve instead of just seeing something like many people may do. 3. Let go of that familiarity and certainty. “Worry is like a rocking chair–it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.” Unknown ”People become attached to their burdens sometimes more than the burdens are attached to them.” George Bernard Shaw Whatever you have been doing perhaps for decades feels familiar and comfortable. Even if it may be something destructive as worrying. Taking a leap of faith and going into the unknown, making a change that may turn out to be positive, can feel scarier and more uncomfortable than what you are used to. Even if what you are used to is worse in the long run. But at some point you have to make up your mind to start letting go of that old familiar part of yourself. You have to fill up the space all that worrying used take up with new thinking. It may feel uncomfortable. It is not so intimately familiar as your past thoughts. It can be scary and exciting at the same time because now you are not just someone who sees him/herself as worrier and that uses some techniques to lessen that. You are instead making a deep change to who you are, to how you view yourself. You are letting go of something that has been a big part of you and are leaving it at the side of the road. One great tip that I have learned for making it easier to let go is to first accept it. Then to let it go. When you accept something instead of resisting it you stop feeding more energy into your problem and making it even bigger. A bit counterintuitive. This is useful when it comes to letting go. If you first accept what you want to let go you aren’t so emotionally attached to it and still feeding it with your focus and energy. And so it becomes less powerful and easier to just drop. As long as you resist it then it will be hard to let it go. Another helpful hint for letting go is found in tip #1 in this article. All that worrying in your past may not have been very accurate at all. So perhaps it’s a smart choice to let go of that habit? 4. Focus on a solution. “There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem.” Harold Stephen “The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” Robert Frost ”You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time.” Pat Schroeder To move out of worry it’s very helpful to just start moving and taking action to solve what you are concerned about. Two tips that have helped me to take action more consistently are: Using a morning routine. This is perhaps the most powerful tip I have found so far in this area. You simply set up a routine in the morning that you do as soon as you wake up. This works so well because what you do early in the day often sets the context for your day. As humans we have a strong tendency to want to be consistent with what we have done before. That’s one big reason why a bad start often leads to a bad day and a good start often leads to a good day. Focusing on and taking responsibility for the process, not the potential results. I use this when I workout. I don’t take responsibility for the results in my mind. I take responsibility for showing up and doing my workout. The results have come anyway from that consistent action. And this makes it easier for me to take this action when I know that is all I need to focus on. Instead of using half of the energy and focus I have available on hoping that I “reach my goal real, real soon”. Focus on the process and you will be a lot more relaxed and prone to continue than if you stare yourself blind on the potential results that never come as quickly as you want to and puts you on an emotional rollercoaster from day to day. 5. Tomorrow will come anyway. Live and fully enjoy here and now. “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” Leo F. Buscaglia It may sometimes seem that by worrying we can less the sorrow of tomorrow. But it never works. It only sucks the life out of today and this moment. To be able to live better today and to be able to take that action to prevent the possible sorrow it’s important to learn to live in the present moment. Because it’s there that you can do things in the best possible way with your focus fully on what you are doing. Three of my favourite techniques for drawing myself back to the now are these (the first one is the one I use most often right now): Focus on what’s right in front of you. Or around you. Or on you. Use your senses. Just look at what’s right in front of you right now. Listen to the sounds around you. Feel the fabric of your clothes and focus on how they feel. Be still right there and just take in the world around you. Pick up the vibe from present people. If you know someone that is more present than most people then you can pick his/her vibe of presence (just like you can pick up positivity or enthusiasm from people). If you don’t know someone like that then I have often recommended listening/watching to Eckhart Tolle in the past. I still do. I especially like his audiobook “Stillness Speaks”. Another guy that I find helpful for picking up presence from is Wayne Dyer. Paraliminals. I reviewed these guided meditation CDs during the spring and they have become one of my favourite way for reconnecting with the present. I just plop down on my bed for 25 minutes or so to relax and listen. Afterwards I feel relaxed and energized and my self-talk tends to shut down or decrease significantly for maybe half a day. This makes it a lot easier to be in the present moment and just focus on what is going on right now.

Sometime during the spring, when I first heard about using fasting from time to time to lose fat I thought it sounded a bit odd. But then I thought about how people in all kinds of religions have been fasting for thousands of years. I read a bit about it online and it seemed to be a pretty popular topic on various fitness blogs. Craig Ballantyne of Turbulence Training – the program I use every week and that helped me to lose 26 pounds – is a fan for example. So I got curious. So I read a book called Eat Stop Eat by Brad Pilon (the guy above in the photo). It’s a pretty short and concise ebook at 91 pages. In it Brad dispels many myths about fasting. He counters the arguments people may use to not try it out – like slowed down metabolism, fear of losing muscle, fear of becoming just too hungry – with facts and research (the book has over 50 references from different scientific studies). The main idea of this way of losing fat is to fast for 24 hours once or twice per week. This will create a calorie deficit and you will use more energy than you put into your body. And so you lose weight. That’s it. My Four Week Challenge First, a quick note on fasting. As Brad writes in the intro to the book: “The information within this book is meant for healthy adult individuals. You should consult with your physician to make sure it is appropriate for your individual circumstances.” Now, since I had gained back a few of those 26 pounds I lost earlier this year I thought I’d give it try. So I have fasted for two 24 hour periods during the last four weeks. The results? I lost 4 kilos/9 pounds. I did no cardio exercises – I usually do the bodyweight exercises from the Turbulence Training program – during these four weeks to see how much I could lose without that training. I did however do two 25 minute workouts with free weights per week to maintain my muscle mass and just lose the fat. I did not lose any strength during the four weeks. So how was it? Well, pretty unobtrusive and I guess that is the point of this way of eating. You don’t have to prepare special meals. Or constantly think about what you are eating. You just stop eating. Then you just eat again as if nothing happened. It’s a pretty relaxed and very simple way of eating to lose weight. I had hunger pangs when I usually eat but they dissipated again pretty quickly as I kept busy with work and other stuff. An interesting side effect of fasting is that productivity goes up. When you don’t have to cook food, eat and wash the dishes you can get quite a bit more done during your day of fasting. I did however notice that it did become harder to focus for maybe four hours before the fast was done. My mind was foggier. I could still work and do some light stuff but for example writing a blog post would be hard. But the thing is, this way of eating is very flexible. Taking your fasting day on a day when you for example have an important test in school is nothing you need to do. You can take your fast any day of the week, when it fits you and your schedule. Besides dispelling the myths about fasting and changing how you think about food and fasting Brad also goes into the benefits of fasting from time to time – like decreased insulin levels and increased insulin sensitivity and growth hormone levels – and gives you a how to guide to live the Eat Stop Eat lifestyle with a helpful frequently asked questions section. Anything to improve? So I really liked the book and the intermittent fasting. But were there any negatives about it all? Well, nothing major, but I found a few things. Plain standard design. Eat Stop Eat is designed with the plain standard white background and black text. That’s totally OK but I hope that perhaps more ebook authors follow the example of for instance Leo Babauta of Zen Habits and add a little more to the design to spruce things up. Few food tips. One of the upsides of intermittent fasting is that you don’t have to fret about every meal to get a calorie deficit. However, I would have liked to see a little more about some recommended food and tips for when you are eating so you don’t compensate the calories lost by overeating. UPDATE: The Special Discount Offer is Now Over. But you can still get just the the ebook or more more expanded options such as the Advanced package that contains all the items below plus additional audio files. The Eat Stop Eat ebook . How Much Protein – Brad’s latest ebook – 121 pages – on protein and how much you actually need each day to build muscle. The 10 day Diet Solution – Brad’s 25 page ebook on how to overhaul your diet in 10 days, how to erase bad eating habits in less than two weeks and how to avoid the biggest causes of overeating. Brad offers a 60 Day Money Back Guarantee with no questions asked so there is no risk for you. Click here to get you own copy of Eat Stop Eat

“If it's never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we'll always be its victim.” Richard Bach “Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.” John W. Gardner One big problem a lot of people have is that they slip into thinking of themselves as victims that have little or no control over their lives. In this headspace you feel sorry for yourself , the world seems to be against you and you get stuck. Little to no action is taken and you get lost in a funk of sadness and self-pity. So how can you move out of that mindset? In this article I’d like to share a few things that have helped me. 1. Know the benefits of a victim mentality. There are a few benefits of the victim mentality: Attention and validation. You can always get good feelings from other people as they are concerned about you and try to help you out. On the other hand, it may not last for that long as people get tired of it. You don’t have to take risks. When you feel like a victim you tend to not take action and then you don’t have to risk for example rejection or failure. Don’t have to take the sometimes heavy responsibility. Taking responsibility for you own life can be hard work, you have to make difficult decisions and it is just heavy sometimes. In the short term it can feel like the easier choice to not take personal responsibility. It makes you feel right. When you feel like the victim and like everyone else – or just someone else – is wrong and you are right then that can lead to pleasurable feelings. In my experience, by just being aware of the benefits I can derive from victim thinking it becomes easier to say no to that and to choose to take a different path. It also makes it easier to make rational decisions about what to do. Yes, I know that I can avoid risk and the hard work of taking action by feeling like a victim. But I also know that there are even more positive results if I choose to take the other route, if I make the better choice to take a chance and start moving forward. 2. Be OK with not being the victim. So to break out of that mentality you have to give up the benefits above. You might also experience a sort of emptiness within when you let go of victim thinking. You may have spent hours each week with thinking and talking about how wrong things have gone for you in life. Or how people have wronged you and how you could get some revenge or triumph over them. Now you have to fill your life with new thinking that may feel uncomfortable because it is not so intimately familiar as the victim thinking your have been engaging in for years. 3. Take responsibility for your life. Why do people often have self-esteem problems ? I’d say that one of the big reasons is that they don’t take responsibility for their lives. Instead someone else is blamed for the bad things that happen and a victim mentality is created and empowered. This damages many vital parts in your life. Stuff like relationships, ambitions and achievements. That hurt will not stop until you wise up and take responsibility for your life. There is really no way around it. And the difference is really remarkable. Just try it out. You feel so much better about yourself even if you only take personal responsibility for your own life for a day. This is also a way to stop relying on external validation like praise from other people to feel good about yourself. Instead you start building a stability within and a sort of inner spring that fuels your life with positive emotions no matter what other people say or do around you. 4. Gratitude. When I feel that I am putting myself in victim role I like to ask myself this question: “Does someone have it worse on the planet?” The answer may not result in positive thoughts, but it can sure snap you of a somewhat childish “poor, poor me…” attitude pretty quickly. I understand that I have much to be grateful for in my life. This question changes my perspective from a narrow, self-centred one into a much wider one. It helps me to lighten up about my situation. After I have changed my perspective I usually ask another question like: “What is the hidden opportunity within this situation?” That is very helpful to keep your focus on how to solve a problem or get something good out a current situation. Rather than asking yourself “why?” over and over and thereby focusing on making yourself feel worse and worse. 5. Forgive. It’s easy to get wrapped up in thinking that forgiveness is just about something you “should do”. But forgiving can in a practical way be extremely beneficial for you. One of the best reasons to forgive can be found in this quote by Catherine Ponder: “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” As long as you don’t forgive someone you are linked to that person. Your thoughts will return to the person who wronged you and what s/he did over and over again. The emotional link between the two of you is so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil – most often in other people around you too. When you forgive you do not only release the other person. You set yourself free too from all of that agony. 6. Turn your focus outward and help someone out. The questions in tip #4 are useful. Another question I use when I get into the victim headspace is simply: “How can I give value right now?” Asking that question and making that shift in what you focus on really helps, even if you may not feel totally like doing it. So I figure out how I can give someone else value , how I can help someone out. And thing is that the way you behave and think towards others seems to have a big, big effect on how you behave towards yourself and think about yourself. For example, judge people more and you tend to judge yourself more. Be more kind to other people and help them and you tend to be more kind and helpful to yourself. A bit counter intuitive perhaps, but that has been my experience. The more you love other people, the more your love yourself. 7. Give yourself a break. Getting out of a victim mentality can be hard. Some days you will slip. That’s OK. Be OK with that. And be nice to yourself. If you have to be perfect then one little slip is made into a big problem and may cause you to spiral down into a very negative place for many days. It is more helpful to just give yourself a break and use the tips above to move yourself into a positive and empowered headspace once again.

“Music should be something that makes you gotta move, inside or outside” “The image is one thing and the human being is another…It's very hard to live up to an image, put it that way.” If you haven’t lived under a rock since you were born I am guessing you know who Elvis Presley was. So let’s just move on to a few of my favourite pearls of wisdom from the King of Rock ‘n' Roll. 1. Put a stop to the downward spiral. “When things go wrong don't go with them” As humans we always have a choice. We can interpret the reality around us as we choose. Two people may have the same things happen in their lives. One becomes negative and apathetic. The other one chooses to see what happened as an opportunity. Now, I admit, it’s not always easy to not react negatively to things that happen. But what you do after that initial reaction – go down a downward spiral or look for what you can use – is in my experience something you can have a large control over. There may however be some inner resistance to do so. Complaining and falling into a victim role can protect you from having to take chances and to avoid doing some hard work. It can also – for a while at least – get you the attention, comfort and validation from other people. But in the long run it keeps you trapped right where you are. So what do you do? Ask yourself better questions. I write about this quite a bit. That’s because it has worked very well for me. Asking myself questions like: “What’s awesome about this situation?” and “Where is the hidden opportunity in this situation?” helps me to reframe what happened and I can pretty much always come up with some good answers that helps me to start taking action towards positive results. Sure, sometimes I don’t feel like asking the questions. Then I just do it anyway. Just because I don’t feel like it doesn’t mean that I can’t do it. Understand yourself. Understand the patterns in your mind. Think back to your past and understand where the patterns lead and why you are using them. Whenever you find yourself in some difficult situation say to yourself that you will not take a negative path because you already know where it leads. Then tell yourself that you instead will ask useful questions, make a plan or something that will help you. You can read more about adopting a positive attitude in 8 Awesome Reasons to Blast Negativity Out of Your Life, and How to Do It . 2. Understand through experience. “Don't criticize what you don't understand, son. You never walked in that man's shoes.” It’s easy to fall into the trap of criticizing things because, well, you feel like it’s wrong. But do you really understand what you are criticising? From my own experience I have found that one tends to become less critical of things when you have experienced it for yourself and have an understanding. Instead of just knowledge about it. It’s easy to be the armchair general, knowing what is always right. Especially in hindsight. It makes you feel good and like you are right. But in the end the credit does not belong to this person. It belongs to the person who is out there actually doing things. 3. Face the truth. “Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away.” Although I write a lot about positive thinking and how it can be very helpful there is also the risk of overdoing it. So be a bit careful so you don’t get trapped in a bubble of positivity. The bubble of positivity is when you lie in your bed going “LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!”. While your bed is on fire. Don’t use positivity to repress and stop thinking about real, practical challenges in your life. If you are having real problems with money, relationships, work etc. don’t repress them with positive thinking until everything spirals out of control and comes crashing down on you like 30 story building. It’s always better to try and deal with a problem in the early stages. So be positive, but use common sense. Face the truth but see it through a positive lens that allows you to take action – like described in the first section of this article – instead of getting stuck in a sad funk.

Image by: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fabiovenni/ / CC BY-SA 2.0 “Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” Ralph Waldo Emerson ”Life is a great and wondrous mystery, and the only thing we know that we have for sure is what is right here right now. Don’t miss it.” Leo Buscaglia Some days you fall into a negative funk. You don’t feel like doing anything much and are just going through the motions. Or you don’t seem to get anything done. Maybe today is such a day for you. If so, remember that the day isn’t over yet. You can still make something good out of it. And you can do so by changing your mental and emotional state. Here are five of my favourite ways for doing just that in a matter of minutes. 1. Appreciate away. A very effective way to become a more positive person and to enjoy your life more is simply to develop a habit of appreciating more. If you want a few suggestions, here are a few of the things that I like to appreciate: My food. The weather and sunshine we are having today. My health. Friends and family. This blog and the opportunity to write about what I want. You, the reader. The funny thing is that if you just start appreciating something you can very quickly start jumping around with your attention and appreciate just about anything around you. You may start with the food you are eating right now. Then move your attention to the phone and appreciate that you can contact anyone – and be contacted by anyone – you’d like. You might then move your attention outside, through the window and see the wonderful sunshine, then the kids having fun with a football and then a really attractive person walking by. And so on. Try doing that for two or three minutes. Try to come up with all the things in yourself and your world that you can appreciate. Move your attention around from appreciation-point to appreciation-point like when you are jumping from stone to stone while crossing a stream. 2. Change your physiology. If you change how you move and use your body your mood will change. If you for instance want to feel happier, force a smile for about 60 seconds. You’ll feel happier. If you want to feel confident stand up and walk around for few minutes in a confident way. You’ll feel more confident. One key to better use of this technique is to focus on your body and changing your movements but to then turn the focus outward, into the world around you. Doing so has given me more dependable and consistent results than when I focused inward. If you focus outward you don’t become that self-conscious. If you on the other hand keep your focus inward – on what you are doing – while you are moving around with a changed physiology you become self-conscious. And that self-analyzing and nervous self-consciousness counteracts much of the positive emotional effect that you can create by changing how you move and use your body. 3. Act as you’d like to feel. If you want to feel more positive then ask yourself: what would a very positive person do in this situation? Do that and then you’ll feel positive. Make a call or answer the phone in a positive way. Write an email in a positive and enthusiastic manner. Instead of thinking that a situation will probably be boring and not so beneficial think of it as something that will be exciting, fun and useful. This is about doing things a bit backward. Just like when you change your physiology. Instead of being a positive person/having a positive mood for the day and therefore acting in a positive way when something happens you flip it around. You start by acting as you would in a situation if you were in a positive mood. And then you’ll create a positive mood and positive consequences in the world around you and within yourself. 4. Ask the right questions. If you are asking yourself disempowering questions like: “Why did this happen to me? “, “How can get out of doing this?” and “What are all the awful things about this?” then of course you are going to feel lousy and get very little done. If you on the other hand start asking yourself useful questions about the situation you are in or the day you are having then you can quickly change how you feel and get yourself into action mode. You become empowered instead of getting stuck in victim thinking. A few good questions are: “What is awesome about this situation?” “Will this matter 5 years from now?” “What is the opportunity hidden within this situation?” 5. Recall your positive experiences and memories. It’s easy to be overcome by negative internal chatter. Nonsense like: “I can’t do this, what if they think I’m incompetent, I’m gonna fail, I’m gonna fail and this why did I take this shirt, it’s so ugly”. And so on. When preparing for a meeting, a job interview, a presentation or anything that makes you really nervous recall your positive memories from similar experiences. Think back to when you were funny and charming. Remember the times when you were confident and relaxed during previous meetings and interviews. Let a few of your best memories wash over you. Let them comfort you and help you realize that you have been here before and things went well during those situations in the past. Doing so helps you remember the positive and wonderful sides of yourself. The qualities and your inner possibilities that are always there. You can also use this tip to remember how you felt when you felt confident in the past. How you moved, what you said. Then use those memories of actions and emotions to more easily slip into a confident state of mind by using tip #2 above. If you enjoyed this article, please share it on Stumbleupon and Twitter . Thank you very much!

Image by gutter ( license ). ”Make it thy business to know thyself, which is the most difficult lesson in the world.” Miguel de Cervantes In many ways personal development material can help to change a life for the better in a big way. But like pretty much anything, if used the wrong way to it can stop you from growing and instead create more problems for you. So here is, from my personal experience, five ways that personal development information can screw with you head if you let it. I believe these are very common problems for people who get into this stuff and some stage or another. I hope you can learn something from some of the mistakes I have made. 1. It helps you to overcomplicate stuff. You and your friend have the same problem. While you look for answers in personal development books and on blogs your friend don’t really knows what to do. So he tries something. He fails. But he learns something and does some other things. And so he starts to solve the problem while stumbling around a bit and realizes that it isn’t such a big deal and that he can probably figure it out. Meanwhile, you have looked in books and on blogs. You haven’t found perfect answers so you look a little more, just to be on the safe side and to avoid failure and the pain that comes with that. And so the problem becomes bigger and more complicated in your mind for every book or article you read. Taking action becomes something you start to fear more and more because it all seems so huge and complicated now. 2. It gets you emotionally hooked on reading more and more. And so little action is taken because that is uncomfortable and scary. While getting another hit from some personal development source feels pleasurable and safe. It kinda feels like you are making progress and going somewhere as you read that awesome book. But shortly after you have read it that feeling diminishes. And so you read another one to get a rush of those positive feelings again. Just like you can hide from life, reality and the inevitable pain, embarrassment etc through shopping too much, playing too much video games or through drugs these personal development books can become just another addiction. You feel good in short bursts. But over the months or even years of time you don’t really move forward that much at all. 3. It leaves you confused. One problem with the information overload age we live in is that you can get more than you can handle. For free. And it’s not always easy to move forward if you take in too many perspectives at once. Tony Robbins may say one thing. Eckhart Tolle might say another thing. Taking in various perspectives over time can help you to increase your understanding of your world. Taking in advice from 10 people at once can confuse you and lead to paralysis analysis. 4. It makes you feel like you aren’t ever ready or good enough. This can become a big problem. When you get hooked on reading this stuff you may start to feel that aren’t quite good enough yet to start taking action. That you aren’t good enough to succeed with something you’d like to do. In part it can be a form of protection from the pain and effort that comes with action. In part it can be because knowing more and more but not using it keeps a low self esteem in its place (or makes it sink even lower). And so you study, study and study. And it is never enough. Until one day you just make a decision to tell yourself that you are good enough. Because reading more will not take you to that point when you feel that you are enough. When you make that decision for yourself it’s doesn’t mean that you have to stop studying. It doesn’t mean that you have to stop growing. You can feel good enough and still feel that it is fun to explore and grow in various ways. So you become more relaxed and not so desperate anymore to solve your problems. And when you feel like you are good enough then taking action and succeeding becomes less “heavy” and complicated. When you are good enough instead of desperate then, in my experience, life becomes lighter and doing becomes easier. 5. It makes you think that things will be perfect and you will be too. It’s very easy to fall into the trap of looking for magic pills. That basically mean you look at something – a book or a just a tip – as a complete and quick solution for your problem. You think that this thing will “fix you”, just like a pill from the doctor could. But this is self improvement . Sure, someone may make a lot of money or lose a lot of fat really quickly. But for many any improvement will be gradual. It will be slow sometimes and quicker at some points. It’s a process that takes months or years. But little by little you improve yourself. Never to perfection. Life and progress will still be messy. But over time all those small steps forward really start to add up. So what do you do? How can you avoid these problems? A few tips I use: Keep these things in mind. Just keeping these pitfalls in mind and being aware of them helps me to be a bit careful about how I think and behave. Set limits. It is useful to set limits for yourself so you don’t overconsume personal development material. For example, make sure that you are consistently taking action towards your goals 80 percent of the time. And then you read and study 20 percent of the time. And not the other way around. Take some action immediately after having learned something. Don’t wait, then you just want to read and prepare even more. Jump in instead and do one little thing to get started. If you like this article, please share it on Stumbleupon and Twitter . Thank you very much! =)

“Aim for the highest.” “You cannot push anyone up the ladder unless he is willing to climb.” In the late 1800s there lived a very rich man. In fact, he was so rich that he is now considered the second richest man in history. And, at least as I remember it, he became an inspiration for Scrooge McDuck. His name was Andrew Carnegie. You may have heard this name before if you have read the classic personal development book “Think and Grow Rich”. It was Carnegie that gave the author Napoleon Hill the assignment to interview hundreds of wealthy people about success. And those interviews became the foundation for the book. Here are four of Carnegie's own top tips for massive success. 1. Pay attention to the more important things. “As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.” This is one of my favourite quotes at the moment. And I have to agree, I pay less and less attention to what people say. Because in the end, what someone does is the most important thing. Talking is easy, but walking your talk is harder. And walking it consistently even though you fall, slip back into old habits and make mistakes is a huge part of success. Now, talking and discussing what you want to do can be very helpful. But at some point you also follow that up and take action. And this not just a good way to see people in a clear way. It’s also a good way to look at yourself more clearly. Because you can tell yourself and others all kinds of things all day. But what you are actually getting done shows a lot about who you are right now and how you future will look. 2. Make it fun, make it light. “There is little success where there is little laughter.” If your life and striving for success becomes just a big struggle then it will be very hard to keep it up. If you want something bad then it it’s very easy to overread or overthink that thing. It seems more complicated in your mind and it also becomes “heavier”. What may have been pretty straightforward in real life becomes this huge struggle, where you are Rocky Balboa taking slow painstaking steps uphill against horrific odds. Yep, it’s a real inspiring thing as you struggle as the heroic underdog. It’s also a great way to make things so much harder for yourself. It’s you putting up imaginary obstacles in your own mind that aren’t even there in reality. The Rocky way of thinking about these things is very seductive. But life becomes so much lighter and more fun when you just let that stuff go. Sure, things may be vary in difficulty. But I believe we often make things more difficult and heavier than they really are. So simplify it, don’t overread or overthink it. This makes it a lot easier to relax and have fun while still working towards what you want. Also, create a habit of simply making it fun. Keep a positive and fun attitude with the friends you are working with. Don’t take things too serious. Learn to laugh about them a bit more. This does not only make it easier to consistently keep up the good work. It also makes it easier to handle what would previously be “huge setbacks/problems”. 3. Be persistent. Don’t spread yourself too thin. “The men who have succeeded are men who have chosen one line and stuck to it.” How do you never get much done? Well, one good way is to try everything at once and spread yourself too thin. You get super enthusiastic for month and then you get deflated. You may even get an emotional backlash and start to feel negatively towards what you were so pumped up about since you aren’t seeing the results you’d like as you quickly as you'd like to. But on the other hand you have to get started and take action. Things can seem a certain way in your head when you think about doing them. But you have to actually do them for a while to gain understanding of how they really are. So to find one line that you want to stick with in some area of your life you may have to try a few of them and experiment to find what you love most to do. I don’t have many more tips really on how to find your line. I think you just have to think about some options and then try them to find out for yourself what you like and where there is opportunity. I have for example been writing on this website for almost three years now. And I still find it fun and fascinating to write about these things. It’s fun to be able to share my thoughts and what I have done and perhaps not only gain a clearer understanding for myself but also help out someone out there. I enjoy tinkering with the design and improving that. I enjoy learning more about how to spread the articles on this website to an even wider audience (and taking action on what I learn). I think those are some good reasons to stick with what you are doing. And so I continue doing this. 4. Motivate yourself. It's your choice. “People who are unable to motivate themselves must be content with mediocrity, no matter how impressive their other talents.” I wrote about this just a couple of weeks ago. Like Carnegie, I believe you have to rely on yourself to be able to keep taking action patiently and persistently. Sure, help and motivation from others is always good. But they can not always be there to support you. The only person who is always with you is you. So you have to choose to place the most importance for motivation on yourself and then add help and inspiration from blogs, books, friends and family when you can or feel the need. Like anything, this takes time and you slip and fail along the way. But over time your can become better and better at motivating yourself (or skipping the need for motivation to get started and instead just springing yourself into action). Without developing this habit then action and results will go up and down and be very inconsistent. And without consistency over a longer time period it does not matter so much what other talents or gifts you may have inside of you. Check out the recent article How to Motivate Yourself for more tips on how to motivate yourself.

“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.” Albert Ellis “Problems are to the mind what exercise is to the muscles, they toughen and make strong.” Norman Vincent Peale “Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.” Richard Bach Are you having a problem in your life right now? If so, maybe these six quick tips can help you to solve it a little bit easier. 1. First, ask yourself: is there really a problem here? Often we create problems in our own heads – as I mentioned a bit about a few days ago in Simplify Your Life – that aren’t really out there in reality. So relax a bit. And think about if this is really a big problem. Is it something that will matter in 5 years? Or even in 5 weeks? Life becomes so less stressful when you stop making mountain out of molehills (or just out of thin air). 2. Accept it. When you accept that the problem already exists and stop resisting then you also stop putting more energy into the problem and “feeding it”. Now it just exists (well, more or less, you might still feel a bit down about it). You can use the energy you previously fed the problem with – the energy that probably made the problem look bigger than it was – to find creative solutions to the challenge. 3. Ask for help. You can ask people for advice on what to do and what they did in similar situations. But you can also ask for more practical help. You don’t have to solve every problem on your own and sometimes it feels better to have someone by your side, even if it is just for emotional support. If you just ask you may find that people will often be willing to help you out. 4. Use 80 percent of your time to find solutions. And only 20 percent to complain, worry and whine. It might not always be easy but focusing your energy, time and thoughts in this way is much more beneficial for you and others than doing the opposite. 5. Break the problem down into smaller pieces. Solving a problem can sometimes seem overwhelming and impossible. To decrease anxiety and think more clearly break the problem down. Identify the different parts it consists of. Then figure out one practical solution you can take for each of those parts. Use those solutions. They may not solve the whole problem immediately. But those solutions can get you started and might solve a few pieces of the it. 6. Find the opportunity and/or lesson within the problem. I have found that there is almost always a positive side to a problem. Perhaps it alerts us of a great way to improve our business or relationships . Or teaches us how our lives perhaps aren’t as bad as we thought . Finding this more positive part of the problem reduces its negative emotional impact. You may even start to see the situation as a great opportunity for you. When you are faced with a problem ask yourself: What is the good thing about this? What can I learn from this? What hidden opportunity can I find within this problem? You may also like: 101 Courage Quotes That Will Motivate and Inspire You 201 Short Quotes and Sayings about Life 110 Never Give Up Quotes (+ My 5 Favorite Tips)

“Luke: I can’t believe it. Yoda: That is why you fail.” Back when I was younger and first watched the Star Wars movies my favorites were Yoda and Han Solo. I recently watched the two latest Star Wars movies again and thought they were better than I remembered. Again, one of the best parts was definitely Yoda. I guess he was an early introduction to personal development and spirituality long before I had much interest in this stuff. So today I’d like to share three of my favourite words of wisdom from that green little awesome guy. You could do very well in any area of your life by just focusing on these few tips. Things don’t really have to be that complicated. Get these things handled reasonably well and your world opens up big time. 1. Don’t try. Do. “Do or do not… there is no try.” When you tell yourself and/or someone else that you will try you are in my experience more likely to give up or just stop when the first obstacle shows up. When you say that you will do something there is more determination and power behind that decision. When the inevitable obstacles that always show up start to block your path you are determined. You will do this. So you find ways over, under, around and through the obstacles. And that’s what you have to do most of the time to actually get things done. Smooth sailing with no problems at all is pretty rare. By making clear choices to do or not do something – and putting power behind those choices – you are more likely to actually get things done and succeed. 2. Overcome your fears. “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” “Named must your fear be before banish it you can.” Overcoming your fears is one of the most important things to improve yourself and grow. If you don’t you will just get stuck. But how do you do it? Well, first, as Yoda says, you have to stop avoiding your fear. You have think about it and see what is you really fear. After you have brought some clarity to the situation, here are three of my favourite tips for actually overcoming that fear. Face your fear. Maybe not what you want to hear, but in my experience and from what I have learned from others this is the best way to overcome your fear. And if you have to handle a big fear, whatever it may be, and later realise you actually survived it, many things in life you may have feared previously seems to shrink. Those fears become smaller. They might even disappear. You may think to yourself that what you thought was a fear before wasn’t that much to be afraid of at all. Everything is relative. And every triumph, problem, fear and experience becomes bigger or smaller depending to what you compare it to. Be curious. This frame of mind makes it easier to face what you fear. When you are stuck in fear you are closed up. You tend to create division in your world and mind. You create barriers between you and other things/people. When you shift to being curious your perceptions and the world just opens up. Curiosity is filled with anticipation and enthusiasm. It opens you up. And when you are open and enthusiastic then you have more fun things to think about than focusing on your fear. How do you become more curious? One way is to remember how life has become more fun in the past thanks to your curiosity and to remember all the cool things it helped you to discover and experience. All is one. The ego wants to divide your world. It wants to create barriers, separation and loves to play the comparison game. The game where people are different compare to you, the game where you are better than someone and worse than someone else. All of that creates fear. Doing the opposite removes fear. That there is no real separation between beings, that we are one and the same, might sound a bit corny. But one thought you may want to try for a day is that everyone you meet is your friend. Another one is to see what parts of yourself you can see in someone you meet. And what parts of yourself you can see in him/her. There is often an underlying frame of mind in interactions. Either it asks us how we are different to this person. Or how we are the same as this person. The first frame is based in how the ego likes to judge people and create separation to strengthen itself (either through feeling better or more like a victim). The second one creates warmth, an openness and curiosity within. In that one there is no place to focus on fear or judgement anymore. This is a bit similar to the previous tip. Use both and see what works best for you. 3. Your world is a reflection of you. “You will find only what you bring in.” That's what Luke is told in “The Empire Strikes Back” before he goes into the cave on Yoda’s home planet. Inside the cave Luke battles his demons – more specifically an illusion of Darth Vader – and are confronted with his owninner darkness. The darkness he brought into the cave and that could pull him over to the dark side if he allowed it to. I think this is relevant in our world too. You find in your world what you bring into your world. And in your world you can see yourself – your thoughts and behaviours – reflected. By observing the world around you can gain insights into yourself and what you may need to improve. Because even though there is big, big world out there with many possibilities and people in the end big change in your life comes down to you changing yourself. It’s very easy to get stuck in thinking that your perspective, the lens through which you view reality is reality itself. But you can’t really see reality. You can only see it filtered through the lens. And the lens is you. Changing, for example, a very negative attitude to a very positive one changes how you view yourself and your entire world. But it’s very hard to convince anyone of this. You just have to choose to try another perspective and use it for a month or so. Even though old thought patterns may want to draw you back to the comfortable stability of your old viewpoint. Which may cause you to rationalize that this positive attitude stuff is uncool or cheesy. Truth is life will never be as in your dreams if you don’t change and correct yourself. No one is coming to save you. No book or personal development guru, not your parents, no knight/lady in white armour. Yes, people around you can of course be a big help. But as an adult in this world it is time to grow up and save yourself. It is time to do things. To face your fears. Not just because those things are the right things to do. But also because these things are what actually work. Image by: http://www.flickr.com/photos/metrojp/ / CC BY 2.0 If you enjoyed this article, please share it on Stumbleupon and Twitter . Thanks you very much! =)

“Don’t be fooled by the calendar. There are only as many days in the year as you make use of. One man gets only a week’s value out of a year while another man gets a full year’s value out of a week.” Charles Richards “A well-spent day brings happy sleep. ” Leonardo Da Vinci One thing many of us want is simply to free up time so we can do more of what we really want to do. Here are three simple tips that have enabled me to find more time for myself to do so. And since I have a lot to do this summer I will apply them even more diligently than usual. I hope you will find these three tips helpful too to get more time out in the sun, to work on your book or blog, to play some Frisbee or just relax and take it easy. 1. Find out where your time is really going. This is like when you are trying to lose fat. It’s very easy to fool yourself and think you are doing “pretty good” when you in actually are not doing really that good. Thinking that you are doing “pretty good” won’t get you’re the results you want though. Actually doing what is needed gives you the results you want. An easy way to stop fooling yourself in both cases is to use a log. If you are trying to lose fat, use Fitday.com to keep and eye on how much you are really eating. If you want to find out where your time in a normal day or week are going create a simple time log in a Word-document or something similar and simply type down notes about everything you are doing. I have for example found that I have spent too much time on social networks like Facebook over the last few months. I will cut that stuff down to a minimum to be able to have more time to relax and rejuvenate. And to keep up with the writing on this blog and other important stuff. 2. Realise that you don’t have to do everything you do. And that the sky might not fall if you do/don’t do something. One thing that’s stopping people from improving themselves or just finding time for themselves is all the things they ”have” to do. You don’t really have to do anything. Try to look at it as you choosing what to do instead. Of course, if you choose to do or not to do something there will be consequences. Sometimes big, sometimes small. Sometimes bad, sometimes good. Sometimes one thing disguised as the opposite. :) But the point is to take control of your life and feel like you choose. Instead of having your world choosing and controlling your life. This makes it easier to find out what isn’t really that important and eliminate or reduce to free up time for more interesting things. 3. Show up and just do it. When you have found out what you are actually doing with your time and let go of some of the things you “had to do” then show up and just do the rest. Instead of procrastinating, instead of thinking, instead of hoping someone else will do it or take an initiative, instead of rationalizing and inventing excuses for not doing something establish the habit of just doing it . Most of the time you need to do it anyway sometime in the future and until you are more or less forced you’ll just waste a lot of time procrastinating and thinking – and feeling bad – about having to do whatever you need to do. And if you wait for someone else to do something about it can take a lot of time before someone does so. Establishing this habit can be a bit difficult if you are used to thinking – or over thinking – a lot. One useful way that I’ve found to develop this habit is simply to not identify so much with my thoughts and emotions and realize that I can control them instead of the other way around. I still think you should think a bit. But after that it’s most often just better to go and do whatever you want to do. What is your best tip for freeing up more time for yourself?

“In essence, if we want to direct our lives, we must take control of our consistent actions. It's not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently.” Anthony Robbins Maybe the biggest problem people have when trying to improve something in their lives is that they never take much action at all. Perhaps the second biggest problem is that they don’t take consistent action over a longer time period. Now, consistency isn’t really the sexiest or most exciting word in personal development. But it is, coupled with time, what will give you real results in your life. Sticking with the program and doing something consistently – and not just when you feel inspired or something like that – is very, very powerful. To me it’s also – at least at the moment – one of the most frustrating parts of personal development. Some days go great. Some days really don’t. Quite a few days wind up somewhere in between. I’ve been able to become more consistent in many areas and there is no thing as perfection where every day is plain awesome. So no point in striving for some illusory perfection in any part of life. And variation and setbacks are stimulating and valuable parts of life. But still, improvements can be made. These tips can be used to make it easier to get through the period that is needed to establish a new habit in your life (about 21-45 days or so in my experience). They can also be used after a habit is established because even then you will have bad days or slip up. 1. Use a morning ritual. This is perhaps the most powerful tip I have found so far in this area. You simply set up a routine in the morning that you do as soon as you wake up. This works so well because what you do early in the day often sets the context for your day. As humans we have a strong tendency to want to be consistent with what we have done before. That’s one big reason why a bad start often leads to a bad day and a good start often leads to a good day. Read all about my and other people’s morning rituals in this article . 2. Do things even if you don’t feel like it. Your inner voice and feelings can be disregarded if you like. You can do whatever you want to do anyway . 3. Don’t hurt yourself. Realize that when you disappoint yourself and don’t think and do as you really deep down want to you hurt yourself by lowering your self esteem. Whatever you do during your day sends signals back to yourself about what kind of person you are. Do the right thing like being effective, kind or go to the gym and you feel good. Get lazy, negative or just plain mean and you tend to feel worse after a while. You don’t get away, there is no escaping yourself. And there is always a price to pay. This is a powerful motivator to become a better person. 4. Focus on and take responsibility for the process, not the potential results. I use this when I workout. I don’t take responsibility for the results in my mind. I take responsibility for showing up and doing my workout. The results – 26 pounds lost during this spring – has come anyway from that consistent action. And this makes it easier for me to take this action when I know that is all I need to focus on. Instead of using half of the energy and focus I have available on hoping that I “reach my goal real, real soon”. Focus on the process and you will be a lot more relaxed and prone to continue than if you stare yourself blind on the potential results that never come as quickly as you want to and puts you on an emotional roller coaster from day to day. 5. Find and do what you love or like to do. It always easier to stick with the program if you love or at least like what you are doing every week. So experiment and find what suits you best. 6. Let go of old self images. A few years ago I saw myself as someone who didn’t eat healthy food or was athletic and worked out. Even when I started to do that a bit more I still kinda felt like the person I used to feel like when I was living in an unhealthy way. Over time I started to think more and more of myself as someone who was healthy. But I still shifted back and forth between the two self-images of being a healthy person and an unhealthy person. So since sometime around the beginning of this year I let go of that past image of myself that felt kinda comfortable but didn’t help me. Since then, as my self-image as a healthy person has become consistent in my mind, I find it much easier to work out and eat healthy food. It seems like the natural thing for me to do now. 7. Use reminders in your environment. I have been posting about this concept for years now . What you do is simply to write down what you really want to make into a habit or a natural part of your life on a post-it, on your screensaver on the computer etc. At the moment I use a small whiteboard on my wall that has stuff like “I make $5000/month” and “Remember to have fun” written down on it. I have found this to be very useful to keep myself on track, to keep my focus on the essential stuff and not get so distracted by everything around me.

“The highest compliment that you can pay me is to say that I work hard every day, that I never dog it.” Wayne Gretzky needs no long introduction. He is the most well-known ice hockey player of all time and one of the absolute best that there has ever been. But how did he make that happen? Here are three of Gretzky’s tips that may give some insight into his phenomenal success. 1. Remember to have fun. “The only way a kid is going to practice is if it's total fun for him… and it was for me.” I think this is a step that many of us have a big problem with. Or just forget about. Especially as we grow older. Because when you find something you really love to do it doesn’t seem like work that much anymore. When you do something you love you don’t have to push yourself so much. You keep going because you like doing it, not just because your want to reach some goal (although that can be exciting too). Taking action also becomes natural when you doing something you really want to do. A lot of the time you can’t wait to get going with it. So the problem many of us encounter may not be that we don’t know enough tips to keep ourselves motivated to keep going. The problem may be that we are working on the wrong thing all together. So do you find out what you really want to do? I certainly don’t have all the answers for that one, but one tip is just to explore life. To just try things out and see what you love. It’s easy to have theories about what you or may not like. But you never know until you have tried it for a while in real life. And even if you haven’t found that yet remember that you can have fun with a lot of things in life. A light attitude where you look for the fun in stuff instead of a grown up kind of attitude where just about everything can start to feel like dreary work makes life a whole lot more enjoyable. I think it’s important to remember that it is OK to have fun. And that it is your responsibility to find and create that fun. No one is going to just give it to you. 2. Practise, practise, practise today. “Procrastination is one of the most common and deadliest of diseases and its toll on success and happiness is heavy.” Anyone who is really, really great at something has put in a huge amount of practice. More practice than most people are willing to put in. A big part of that of course comes from having fun with what you are doing. But another – perhaps not as exciting – part is simply to have the self-discipline to not procrastinate and not bury yourself deep in a hole of boredom and inaction. Because some days are just rough or you have tough time getting started. There are a lot of tips for overcoming procrastination on such days, here are three of my favorites: Recognize that there is more pain in procrastinating than not. If you have procrastinated a lot (like me) you might have discovered that: You procrastinate to avoid doing something that is boring, hard or something like that. You want to avoid that pain. But after having some experience with procrastination you’ll probably realise that procrastination itself causes your more pain than actually just doing what you were supposed to. Realising the true amount of pain in the two choices will make it easier to get things done. Just take the first step. When you start to look too far into the future any task or project can seem close to impossible. And so you shut down because you become overwhelmed and start surfing the internet aimlessly instead. That is one of the reasons why it is good to plan for the future but then to shift your focus back to today and the present moment. Then you just focus on taking the first step today. That is all you need to focus on, nothing else. By taking the first step you change you mental state from resistant to “hey, I’m doing this, cool”. You put yourself in state where you become more positive and open, a state where you may not be enthusiastic about taking the next step after this first one but you are at least accepting it. And so you can take the next step. And the next one after that. Start with the hardest task of your day. Maybe you have an important call to make that you also fear might be uncomfortable. Maybe you know you have gotten behind on answering your emails and have big pile to dig into. Maybe you have the last five pages of your paper to finish. Whatever it may be, get it out of your way the first thing you do. If you start your day this way you will feel relieved. You feel relaxed and good about yourself. And the rest of the day – and your to-do list – tends to feel a lot lighter and easier to move through. It’s amazing what difference this one action makes. 3. Take the chances you get. “You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.” It’s easy to find a million excuses to not take a chance. To not take a risk. But as Gretzky points out, if you don’t take it then there is absolutely no way of succeeding. If you give it a shot there is always a chance that you might make it, even if the odds suck and you don’t even believe in it yourself. If you do that enough times then you will most likely have some success. And succeeding is great. But just doing something and trying is great too. Because sometimes you will succeed. And the other times you can learn valuable lessons that will improve your skills and understanding and make it more likely that you will succeed the next time. That’s what all the most successful people throughout history have done. They have failed more than most people and thereby learned more and in the end they have had a lot more success. So the the absolute worst thing you can do is to try nothing at all.

Image by left-hand ( license ). “You can have brilliant ideas, but if you can’t get them across, your ideas won’t get you anywhere”. Lee Iacocca “The best way to be boring is to leave nothing out.” Voltaire One way to make conversations a lot more awkward and unfulfilling is to bore people to half to death. Sometimes you don’t even know you are doing it (that’s at least what I have done). So today I’d like to list 7 common mistakes that I have made in conversations to help myself – and maybe someone else too – to avoid them in the future. If you find you might make one or a few of these mistakes a bit too often don’t beat yourself up about it. That’s pointless. Just be conscious of it in your daily interactions and do the best you can to improve. 1. Babbling on. I have found it to be helpful to be reasonably brief when, for example, telling someone a story. The long and very convoluted version seldom seems to be as appreciated as the shorter and snappier one. Babbling on too much is, at least in my opinion, something that often comes from being too focused inward. Being too focused on yourself in a conversation. If you instead focus more outward you’ll be less self-conscious. This reduces nervousness and slightly nonsensical babbling. And if you focus more outward, on the people you are talking to and less on your own glorious voice and golden words you’ll be more aware of what you are saying and how the conversation is going. If you focus on the other guy/gal you’ll be more focused on getting through and you are more attentive to how your message comes across and what reactions you bring out. 2. Clinging to a topic like a drowning man. Hanging on to a topic for too long can make a conversation boring and awkward. Often there is a natural transition from topic to topic. But if you keep coming back to the same topic over and over again or cling to it while the other(s) want to move on then you are interrupting the flow. This can also evolve into a situation where you feel you need to be right at all costs. That’s when things tend to get really awkward. Try lightening up and letting go if you feel that is a common problem you are experiencing. It can be interesting to listen to someone talking a lot about their passion in life. But you still have to be flexible, let the conversation flow back and forth and be mindful of the fact that not everyone will be so interested in something as you are. A lot of the time people just want to share moments, exchange positive emotions and feel like they are connected by for example being able to relate to you in some way. I still think you talk about a hobby or passion no matter how odd it may be but it is helpful for you and the other person to avoid technical jargon, acronyms and details that only you and other enthusiasts understand. Try to keep it simple and understandable instead. No one wants to listen to a topic that they can’t relate to in some way. Not for too long at least. 3. Being negative and whiny. Now, it’s normal to have a bad day or just be in bad or whiny mood from time to time. But if you do it a lot or pretty much all the time, if you spend most of your time in that headspace then simply put people will probably not just be bored. They will start to avoid hanging out/talking to you. We all have a lot going on today. And as I grow older it seems to me that people simply don’t have time or patience to listen to that negative stuff. They have more exciting things to do and more positive people that they will choose to hang out with and talk to instead. I’d say that one of the most attractive qualities a person can have is a positive attitude and energy. It is attractive to people at your job/school, family, friends or just that cute girl/guy in the bar. And as I mentioned above, I think that one of the big things people want in any relationships is positive emotions. On a fundamental level people simply want to create a flow back and forth with people where all of you exchange positive emotions and feel good. It is often said that enthusiasm is contagious. So is every other feeling. So not just the words you say but the mood you are in has a big effect on how people react to you and interactions and relationships develop. So be careful with your emotional states. Here is a guide to how I have improved my own attitude and maintain it at a more positive level than I used to. 4. Not listening. Not really listening is perhaps one of the biggest mistakes people make. It has certainly been one of my biggest issues in conversations and although I think I have improved it still is. If you are just waiting for your turn to talk instead of listening then you’ll often miss much of what is said (verbally or non-verbally). There will be a lack of genuine understanding and disconnect that makes the conversation less exciting than it could be. Just like I mentioned in tip #1, focusing outward and on the other person and not on yourself makes it a lot easier to be a better listener. 5. Thinking it’s all about me, me, me! So it’s pretty obvious from what you have already read so far in this article that if you focus too much on yourself then a conversation or any sort of relationship will probably become pretty boring. You will become a bad listener. You will tend to prattle on endlessly about what you like to talk about. People are interested in themselves. That is one big reason why for example a lot of people always think everyone is thinking or talking about them and so they become shy or they don't experience the sort of social freedom that they could. People want to be understood and feel a connection. If you can shift your focus away from yourself, away from having your focus split between yourself and the person you are talking to then you will be a powerful and exciting exception in their week, month or life. 6. Asking a million questions. This can become really boring pretty quickly. A few ways to avoid this is to: Make statements. Mix things up and instead of asking what someone’s favorite sports team is, just declare what yours is and see what they have to say about that. And don’t be worried about making a statement the other person may not agree with. That’s ok, they won’t get mad. Instead they probably like that you are being proactive and open and are sharing what you really think instead of putting up a front to avoid a confrontation and to get them to like you. Try being quiet if there is a pause. There are sometimes pauses in conversations. You don’t have to be the one to always dive in and ask a new question to get thing rolling again. Try just being at ease with being quiet and let the other person continue instead. 7. Not being right here, right now. This is perhaps the biggest mistake one can make. And if one can avoid it then many of the other problems above tend to reduce themselves. Being present is not a magic pill but in a conversation it can be huge. You are right there and you are listening just to what the other person is saying. You focus is not split. You are not thinking about what to say. Instead you let the conversation evolve naturally as you say what comes to mind. You are more relaxed, positive and open because you are not somewhere in the past or future reliving bad experiences or imagining some horrible scenario. In this headspace people also tend to be funnier, more fun and exciting and playful in general. It’s like bringing out a better self but not having to rely on “having a good day” to do it. My top three ways to reconnect with the present moment right now are: Paraliminals. I reviewed these guided meditation cds a few months ago on the blog and they have become my favourite way to reconnect with present. I just plop down on my bed for 25 minutes or so to relax and listen. Afterwards I feel relaxed and energized and my self-talk tends to shut down or decrease significantly for maybe half a day. This makes it a lot easier to be in the present moment and just focus on what is going on right now. Focus on your breathing. Take belly breaths for a minute or two and just focus on them and nothing else. Focus on what’s right in front of you. Or around you. Or on you. Use your senses. Just look at what’s right in front of you right now. Listen to the sounds around you. Feel the fabric of your clothes and focus on how they feel. You can for instance use the summer sun or rain and how it feels on your skin to connect with the present.

Today I’d like to take a break from long articles and just focus on one practical tip you can use right now or whenever you need it. A few years ago – well, probably 10 years ago by now – I discovered a really good way to get rid of hiccups. It has worked every time I have used it. In the following years I have told family and friends about it and as far as I can remember it has worked as well for them as it has for me. You need to focus Here’s what you do. When you have the hiccups just focus your eyes and attention on something in front of you. Maybe it’s a road sign, a painting or some other object. Focus on just that thing. Don’t let anything or anyone else enter your field of focus. Just focus 100% of your attention on that object. Do so for a minute or two and you should have stopped hiccupping. Why does it work? My theory, and it’s just a theory, is that hiccups continue because the person having them focuses too much on wanting them to stop. Just like in the case of much of the mind made suffering in our lives it is fed by you focusing on it and giving it more mental energy. If you shift your focus totally away from thinking about it and just stare at that object in front of you then you stop feeding the hiccups with mental energy. And so they vanish. This explanation may of course be totally wrong. :) But the trick still puts a stop to those annoying hiccups. What is your best tip for getting rid of the hiccups?

“The great breakthrough in your life comes when you realize that you can learn anything you need to learn to accomplish any goal that you set for yourself.” ”Spend eighty percent of your time focusing on the opportunities of tomorrow rather than the problems of yesterday.” “Success comes when you do what you love to do, and commit to being the best in your field.” One of my absolute favourite personal development people is Brian Tracy. He has written many, many books about success, effectiveness and leadership. What do I like about him? He gets to the point quickly. Brian Tracy is one of the most concise writers I have found in the personal development niche so far. His products are often jampacked with practical value. You get stuff you can use when you buy one of his products rather than just a few tips and a lot of motivational padding. Here are just 11 of my favourite tips from Brain Tracy at the moment. If you want to learn much more I highly recommend checking out books – either in paper or audio form – like Time Power and The Psychology of Achievement. Also, check out the Focus & Concentration Paraliminal , it’s my favourite to sharpen my focus and boost effectiveness. 1. Change your self image. “The person we believe ourselves to be will always act in a manner consistent with our self-image.” “We will always tend to fulfill our own expectation of ourselves.” “Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” You will often stop yourself from doing stuff that “just isn’t you”. But when that stuff is the new normal, the stuff you just do because you are you then it becomes a lot easier. How can you change your own self image? Here’s what I used to see myself as a fit and healthy person rather than a person who dabbles in such stuff occasionally: A ton of proof. Your mind needs proof that you are this new person. The proof is the experiences you have had. So if you really dive in and immerse yourself in something like fitness and work out every other/every day, read a lot about it all and are eating healthy stuff in a conscious way you change a lot about your day to day living environment. Expanding your comfort zone like this will quickly give you a lot of experiences and so the change can come about quicker than if you dabble a bit with it for a few years. Let go of your old self image. In my experience you can shift back and forth between two self images. I think at some point you have to make a shift and let your old identity go if you want to grow. It may be your identity when it comes to health. Or money. Or socially. The problem is that the old image is so familiar and reassuring that your mind may not want to let go. I recommend checking out Let Go! to learn how to better let go of your past self image and other things in your life. 2. Create helpful habits. “Successful people are simply those with successful habits.” Pretty simple. Our habits are what we tend to do consistently in our day to day life and so they control our success – or lack of it – very much. What are successful habits? Some you can find in this article. A few others are: Do the most productive thing right now. Do one thing at a time. Do things even when you don’t feel like it. How do you install them in your life? Two tips: The 30 day challenge. You have probably read about this old personal development concept before. Basically, you make a deal with yourself to do one thing for just 30 days (one example: exercise every day) and no more than that. But after those 30 days you may discover that your mind will have become so accustomed to this new behaviour that it will be easier to continue doing it than stop doing it. Just focus on the process. While doing something for those 30 days you focus on the process rather than the results. I for instance use this when I workout. I don’t take responsibility for the results in my mind. I take responsibility for showing up – even the days when I don’t feel like it – and doing my workout. The results come anyway from that consistent action. And this makes it easier for me to take this action and establish the new habit when I know that is all I need to focus on. Instead of using half of the energy and focus I have available on hoping that I “reach my goal real, real soon”. Focus on the process and you will be a lot more relaxed and prone to continue than if you stare yourself blind on the potential results that never come as quickly as you want to and puts you on an emotional rollercoaster from day to day. 3. Focus on what is useful. “Whatever you dwell on in the conscious grows in your experience.” “The key to success is to focus our conscious mind on things we desire not things we fear.” This is very important and something I think many people don’t grasp the full extent of. I certainly didn’t before. When your focus is split, when you fill your mind just the “normal amount” of negativity or dwell on for example mistakes you are using up valuable time, energy and available focus to pull yourself backwards and to make mountains out of molehills. Problems seem to become bigger in your mind than they actually are when you dwell on them. But so does, for example, opportunities and gratitude. Your surrounding reality is huge. And the room for interpretations of that reality is wide. What you focus is what you will see in your reality (opportunities vs. more reasons why things suck). What you dwell on becomes bigger and bigger in your mind. And what you think about is what you will act upon. That’s basically why it’s absolutely crucial to keep your focus and your thoughts in right place and on the positive and useful things in your life as consistently as you can. If you focus on the negative and irrelevant stuff it is quite likely that you never get all those most important things done. 4. Set clear goals. And write them down. “People with clear, written goals, accomplish far more in a shorter period of time than people without them could ever imagine.” To be able to focus consistently on what you want you can use goals. If you use them, write down so they transform from thoughts into something physical and real. You can use that piece of paper as a reminder – posted on a wall for example – later on to keep your focus in the right place each and every day. 5. Ask yourself helpful questions. “After every difficulty, ask yourself two questions: “What did I do right?” and “What would I do differently?” The questions you ask yourself in life determine much of your outlook and success. If you ask disempowering questions like “what sucks about this?” in any situation then you are creating a lot of unhappiness and victim thinking. If you on the other hand keep it on a useful and empowering level with questions like the ones from Tracy then your chances of succeeding goes up. You can find more empowering questions in his post . 6. Luck is predictable. “I’ve found that luck is quite predictable. If you want more luck, take more chances. Be more active. Show up more often.” People who take the action and more chances in life tend to get the luck. If you never take chances or action you don’t get the opportunity to get lucky. You might just sit around doing nothing and rationalize it as “being unlucky”. Also, if someone focuses on what s/he wants s/he tend to find more opportunities and other useful things that someone with a negative focus will simply not “be lucky enough” to see. 7. Focus on the activities that brings you results. “Most people engage in activities that are tension-relieving rather than goal-achieving.” This is very true. People love to just take it easy or relieve tension – and create more of it – by procrastinating and complaining instead of doing. It seems easier on the surface but in the long haul it tends to cause you more pain. Of course, you must take time to relax too. But find a good and helpful balance for the two aspects of life and the best ways and most positive ways to relieve tension. Three suggestions could be regular exercise, meditation in some form or just watching a good movie. 8. Realize that you have to pay the price. “The price of success must be paid in full, in advance.” Nothing you really want in life is free. You have to put in hard work to get it. And usually over a long time period. You have to make hard choices and sacrifices. Now, doing so can produce a lot of happiness along the way and when you reach your destination. But when you take the step from comfortable dreams about success and happiness to actually start doing things then there is always a price to pay. So be prepared for that. 9. Keep going. “Every great success is an accumulation of thousands of ordinary efforts that no one else sees or appreciates.” That’s what people like Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan and Bruce Springsteen did. They practiced a lot. How do you put in all that time and effort if no will reward you right now? Well, you find things you love doing, things you do for yourself – rather than to get someone else’s attention and appreciation – and when things feel rough you just do what you know is the right thing to do anyway. You keep going with persistence but also simple the joy of doing what you love as two supporting friends. 10. Make a decision. Any decision. Just do something. “Decisiveness is a characteristic of high-performing men and women. Almost any decision is better than no decision at all.” I harp on about this a lot on the blog from time to time. That’s because it’s one of the most fundamental things that hold people back. Sitting on you hands and hoping that someone else will do something for you usually results in a lot of waiting. Just make a decision. Try something. The sky will most likely not fall if you fail. You will just feel bad for a short while and learn a few things from asking the question in tip # 5. Then you make new decision based on what you learned and take action again. 11. Take responsibility for your life. “The happiest people in the world are those who feel absolutely terrific about themselves, and this is the natural outgrowth of accepting total responsibility for every part of their life.” “The more you like yourself, the better you perform in everything that you do.” “Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the high road to pride, self-esteem and personal satisfaction.” A lot of the tips in this article are based in taking full responsibility for your own life. When you do that you will start doing many of these things naturally like making decisions, putting in hard work and really trying to keep your focus in the right place. When you decide to take responsibility for your life and doing what you know deep down is right – for example, going to gym instead of lying on the couch eating potato chips – you increase your esteem of yourself. You like yourself more and more as your self esteem goes up. When your self esteem goes up you feel more worthy of any success and you are less likely to self sabotage in subtle and not so subtle ways. This is crucial and ties back to tip # 1. You tend to behave in alignment with your own self image. Taking responsibility for your own life and doing the right thing are not the only things you can do to increase your self esteem and success. Another powerful tip is to like/love other people. Why? Because how you view, judge and think about people is usually how you view, judge and think about yourself. This may sound a bit weird. But try it out for a week or two and see how it affects your view of yourself and your life. You may be surprised.

Note: This is a guest post by Vlad Dolezal of An Amazing Mind. While explaining stress management to an audience, the lecturer raised a glass of water and asked ‘How heavy is this glass of water?' Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, “The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” He continued, “And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on.” “As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.” “So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can.” Here are 5 simple ways to increase your peace of mind: 1. Do your most daunting task first thing in the morning It's tempting to start your day with easy tasks. Don't. Pushing a daunting task back is like holding a glass of water in an outstretched arm. At first nothing happens, but if you do it for hours or even days, you will soon feel the stress. Do the most annoying task first thing in the morning, and enjoy increased productivity and peace of mind for the rest of the day. 2. Let go of things you don't control You make plans to go outside with friends. But at the last minute, it starts raining. What's your reaction? Some people upset and angry, and find the nearest person and start complaining to them. “It's not FAIR that it's raining. This _always_ happens to me!…” That's not going to accomplish anything – the rain won't stop just because you throw a tantrum. *The rain doesn't care.* So make the best of the situation. What I do in such situation is go for a quick walk in the park (because rain has its own awesomeness), or just lie in bed reading a good Terry Pratchett book, listening to the rain beating on my window. Make the most of what you do control , and don't worry about what you don't. 3. Don't worry about what others are thinking I used to be very self-conscious about my dancing. I would rarely go out with my friends, and even if I did, I wouldn't dance, instead just standing awkwardly by the side, because I was worried of what others would think. Then, one day in high school, I decided that enough was enough. So the next time I went out with my friends, I just went to the dance floor, and danced like nobody was watching. And the funny thing was – nobody cared. In fact, people only liked me MORE, because I was having fun. Don't worry about what others are thinking of you – most likely they're too busy wondering what others are thinking of them. 4. List 3 things you love about your situation right now I first shared this technique with the Positivity Blog readers in my post The Plague of Happiness Ever After (it's got a dragon and everything in it, read it!) Just list 3 simple things about any part of your life that you love. Like “3 simple things I love about the room I'm in right now”, or “3 simple things I love about this week”, or anything else. This is a great technique if you're ever bored while stuck in traffic, or waiting in the grocery store checkout lane. You can immediately transform boredom into happiness and peace of mind! 5. Walk to a window, look outside, and take a single deep breath I got this technique from the Zen master Mary Jaksch . Just walk to a window, look outside, and then take a single deep breath, focusing only on that breath and nothing else in the whole world. This technique sounds extremely simple, but you won't believe how much it can instantaneously increase your peace of mind. And because this is the last tip, you can try it immediately when you finish reading this blog post. Just walk to a window, look outside, and take a single deep breath, focusing on the air going in and out of your lungs, and nothing else. Check out Vlad’s blog to get even more happiness in the now! It’s got psychology, personal growth, and a crapton of attitude!

“Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe “The possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react.” George Bernard Shaw One of the biggest mistakes I believe people make when trying to improve their lives is one of the simplest. They just don't take action based what they learn from blogs or books. And that's no good at all. If you aren't already taking action and doing so consistently you really need to start now. Here are five powerful reasons why. 1. No one is coming. This may sound a bit harsh. But the sooner you realize that no one else will do this for you the quicker you will improve your life. Personal responsibility is essential to improve and control your own life. Without that what you want will stay a dream or a sporadic activity/dabbling that leads to pretty much nothing in the long term. You can blame your problems and lack of success on anyone you like and waste your time and energy. You can get help from family, friends, books or blogs. But your life is your responsibility and it's up to you to create in the way you choose to. 2. Apply the knowledge or it is pretty worthless a lot of the time. Yeah, reading this blog, other blogs or books can make you feel good. You are learning about all of this awesome and useful information so it kinda feels like you are making progress and improving your life. Now, reading positive and helpful material can help motivate you in a world where you may be surrounded by more negative inputs like the news or people around you. Nothing wrong with that. I personally find it to be a good habit to spend a bit of time with a good personal development book rather than an extra half hour a day watching the news. But I believe that many people fool themselves into thinking that reading in some way will replace action. That reading will take care of your problems in some magical way. I used to think so. It´s at the same time a pleasurable and frustrating headspace to be in. You tend to read a lot and think that the next thing will be the magic pill that will finally solve your problem. 3. You understand by doing. There are no real magic pills of course. That idea is created by immaturity in person who still thinks to him/herself: “Mommy, it want it now!”. When you read a lot you think that you understand things. But you never really understand anything until your experience it. Yes, knowledge can help you to avoid pitfalls and improve quicker. But it can't relate how it feels to experience something. And it can't relate how you experience something since we are all a bit different from each other. When you start doing things you might also discover that things are often a bit more messy in real life than in books where it may seem like you only have to follow a clean ten step method to get the results you want. But that's part of the fun of living life rather than just thinking and reading about it. 4. You raise your self-esteem. One of the hardest things to do in life is to do the right thing. What you think is the right thing. Not what you friends, family, teachers, boss and society thinks is the right thing. What is the right thing? That's up to you to decide. Often you have a little voice in your head that tells what the right thing is. Or a gut feeling. It might tell you to get up from the couch, stop eating those snacks and go to the gym instead. Sometimes you will put your exercise clothes on and go. Sometimes you will not. Creating a habit where you take action every day and do the right thing is not just important to get the results you want. To me it's very important to raise self-esteem and keep it up. If I do the right things today I feel really good about myself. If I don't then I don't feel good about myself. A common question that I get is: “How can I raise my self-esteem?”. The answer is not an easy answer of course (otherwise people wouldn't have so much self-esteem problems in the world today). I believe that taking action and doing the right thing consistently (your self-esteem not something you can just “fix” by doing one thing one time) is a big part of the answer. Because when you do the right and (often) hard thing instead of being lazy or wuzzing out your esteem of yourself goes up. 5. Time will pass no matter what you do. “A year from now you may wish you had started today.” Karen Lamb. Your life is not endless. Your time is one the most important things in your life. Don't waste a huge chunk of it. Start taking action towards what you really want out of life today.

Note: This is a guest post by Bob Lotich of ChristianPF.com . Getting Laid Off Almost two years ago, a larger firm purchased the company that I worked for. It turned out that when you have two fortune 500 companies merge, there is often quite a bit of overlap between departments. So it didn't come as too much of a surprise that the department I worked in was completely eliminated. We were given some advance notice and a severance package, but in July 2008 we were still getting laid off. I had never been laid off before and it was eye-opening to see how different people responded to the same news. We had some people who were excited about the news, looking forward to the new opportunities that would present themselves, and on the other extreme we had some people who seemed to lose all hope in life. Regardless of whether I got laid off or not, just being in that environment and watching people's response to the news was an invaluable life lesson. I saw fear strike and nearly paralyze some people, I saw people fill themselves up with anger, and I saw some people take the lemons and make lemonade. I have to admit that it was probably a bit easier for me to stay positive in that environment. First, I didn't really like my job that much, so I was interested in the idea of finding something else. Second, I was underpaid for what I did, so taking a paycut was less of a possibility. And third, I was a “young whipper-snapper” who would have an easier time adapting – or so the older workers said. Providing New Opportunities But the truth of the matter is that while layoffs are often perceived as a negative thing, it really can be an open door of endless possibilities – if we let it! As I watched my entire office process the news and begin job searches, it was amazing the effect that a positive outlook had. Most of the people I would have classified as “optimistic” or “hopeful” quickly found jobs and many of them actually found better jobs paying more! And I remember a few co-workers who had a terribly negative outlook and didn't even try. When they were asked how the job search was going, they responded by complaining about the company and talked about how things used to be. They fed themselves with negativity and I watched as it eliminated more and more options until they were backed into a corner with few choices. I tried not to be “that guy” who was always looking at the bright side when everyone else wanted to complain – but secretly I was. Even if I wasn't overtly making mention of my optimism, they could tell because I didn't join in complaining. Having been a complainer before, I knew that I needed to keep my mouth shut if I was going to maintain a positive attitude. Optimism Affects Actions I had always thought it was better to stay positive than to feed on negativity, but after this experience I finally understood why. It is because your outlook affects your actions! The people in the office who walked around with the confidence that they would find an even better job, often did. I don't really think it happened because they hoped more than the others, but because they had their eyes open and were taking steps to make it happen! It reminds me of a middle-aged single woman who is longing to meet the man of her dreams, but never leaves the house! Yes, he could end up knocking on the door, but why not improve your odds by getting out of the house and meeting him halfway It really was so sad to watch a few of my co-workers, so bound up with anger and self-pity that it prevented them from taking any action. And sadly some of them got exactly what they were expecting to happen. Victor Frankl I remember reading a bit about Victor Frankl, a Jewish man who survived the Holocaust and he said that one of the keys to survival was choosing the right attitude. If anyone could say that attitude is a choice, it would be a concentration-camp survivor. Frankl wrote, “The one thing you can't take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one's freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given circumstance.” I don't mention Frankl's story to make light of layoffs – I do realize that they can be incredibly trying times in one's life. But I think we can learn from Frankl's experience. If a positive attitude is essential to staying alive in some of the worst conditions known to man, then it will also be important to remember in the workplace challenges that we may face. After this layoff, Bob pursued full-time blogging and recently surpassed his day-job income with his blog earnings. He used this experience to write an extensive article about how to make money with a blog. He typically writes about getting out of debt, saving money and other personal finance topics from a Christian perspective at ChristianPF.com.

“Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.” Spanish Proverb “How soon ‘not now' becomes ‘never'.” Martin Luther “A year from now you may wish you had started today.” Karen Lamb One of the most common problems is procrastination. We know what we want to do and should do. But still we end up spending hours upon hours doing easier work or escaping via TV, blogs or music. And ask ourselves: “ why am I so lazy? “. Now, nothing wrong with a little escape from time to time. But if you procrastinate too much you will not get the most important things done. And you will also send yourself into negative spirals where your self-esteem plummets and you spend your days or more in a vague negative funk. So what can you do? Here are 7 timeless tips to help you to stop procrastinating and start living your life more fully. And if you want to then you can learn much more about becoming more productive, focused and reducing procrastination in your life then have a look at my Stop Procrastinating Now Course . 1. Stop thinking. Start doing. “To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing.” Eva Young A bit of planning can certainly help you to achieve what you want to achieve. A lot of planning and thinking tends to have the opposite effect. You think and think and try to come up with the perfect plan. A plan where you don’t have to make mistakes, where you will never be rejected, where there will be no pain, difficulties or worries . Such a thing does of course not exist. But as long as you work on that plan you can protect yourself. 2. Don’t blow a task out of proportion. “If you want to make an easy job seem mighty hard, just keep putting off doing it.” Olin Miller “Putting off an easy thing makes it hard. Putting off a hard thing makes it impossible.” George Claude Lorimer By over thinking and putting things off you are not only trying to protect yourself from pain. You also make mountains out of molehills. The quotes above are so true it isn’t even funny. The more hours and days you put something off the worse it and your self-doubts grows in your mind. Because you are dwelling on it. And so it expands in your mind. And since you are putting it off you are probably thinking about it in a negative way. This makes a little thing a big Godzilla, a horrible beast that is threatening to ruin your life. So plan a little and then take action. Often you don’t even have to plan, you have been there before and you know what needs to be done. So stop overthinking and just do it no matter how you feel and what you think. How you feel right now changes as quickly as the weather so it’s not the perfect guidance system or anything. And you don’t have to obey what it says (it’s not chains made of iron). You can just do what you know is right anyway. 3. Just take the first step. “You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” Martin Luther King, Jr. When you start to look too far into the future any task or project – starting a blog or business, getting into better shape, traveling to that place you've always wanted to go to – can seem close to impossible. And so you shut down because you become overwhelmed and start surfing the internet aimlessly instead. That is one of the reasons why it is good to plan for the future but then to shift your focus back to today and the present moment. Then you just focus on taking the first step today. That is all you need to focus on, nothing else. By taking the first step – by just setting up your website or going out running for 5 minutes – you change your mental state from resistant to “hey, I'm doing this, cool”. You put yourself in state where you become more positive and open, a state where you may not be enthusiastic about taking the next step after this first one but you are at least accepting it. And so you can take the next step. And the next one after that. The thing is, you can't see the whole staircase anyway and it will shift and reveal itself along the way. That's why the best of plans tend to fall apart at least a bit as you start to put it into action. You discover that your map of reality doesn't look like reality. 4. Start with the hardest task of your day. “Do the hard jobs first. The easy jobs will take care of themselves.” Dale Carnegie Maybe you have an important call to make that you also fear might be uncomfortable. Maybe you know you have gotten behind on answering your emails and have big pile to dig into. Maybe you have the last five pages of your paper to finish. Whatever it may be, get it out of your way the first thing you do. If you start your day this way you will feel relieved. You'll be positive , feel relaxed and good about yourself. And the rest of the day – and your to-do list – tends to feel a lot lighter and easier to move through. It’s amazing what difference this one action makes. 5. Just make a decision. Any decision. “In a moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing to do, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.” Theodore Roosevelt We feel bad when we sit on our hands and don’t take action because it’s unnatural. The natural thing is to be a decisive human and take action. When you procrastinate you want to do something but you don’t take the action that is in alignment with that thought. You become conflicted within. What you do always sends signals back to you about who you are. Sure, doing affirmations where you say to yourself that you are confident can help you. But taking the confident actions you want to take over and over again is what really builds your self confidence and a self-image of you being a confident person. When you procrastinate you lower your self-esteem and send signals back to yourself that you are a ,well, a kinda lame and indecisive person. 6. Face your fear. “Procrastination is the fear of success. People procrastinate because they are afraid of the success that they know will result if they move ahead now. Because success is heavy, carries a responsibility with it, it is much easier to procrastinate and live on the “someday I’ll philosophy”.” Denis Waitley I think this is true. It’s easier to live on that “someday” thought. It’s harder to just take action. To risk looking like a fool. To make mistakes, deal with failure and not avoid that pain. To take responsibility for your own life. The easier choice can come with a sense of comfort, with a certain level of success, pangs of regret for all the things you never dared to do and a vague sense of being unfulfilled. You wonder about what would have happened if you had taken more action and more chances. The harder choice gives you, well, who knows? But it will sure make your feel more alive. 7. Finish it. “Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task.” William James “Much of the stress that people feel doesn't come from having too much to do. It comes from not finishing what they started.” David Allen Not taking the first step to start accomplishing something can make you feel bad. But not finishing what you have started can also leave you in a sort of negative funk. You feel fatigued or stressed and sometimes you don’t even know why. It’s like someone zapped your inner power. If that is the case, go over tasks and projects what you are currently involved in. Is there something there you know you want to finish but haven’t yet? Try to get that finished as soon as you can you will start to feel a whole lot better. Just be careful. Don’t think you have to finish everything you started. If a book sucks, read something else. Using this as an excuse to quit something that feels hard or unfamiliar is not a good idea. But there is no law that says that everything has to be completed. You may also like: 101 Monday Motivation Quotes 145 Words of Encouragement (Uplifting and Positive Quotes) 87 Inspirational Quotes for Work

Note: This is a guest post by Vlad Dolezal of An Amazing Mind. Once upon a time, a poor peasant heard that the princess of his country was looking for a husband. The old king was getting very old, and the kingdom was starting to desperately look for a heir. So the peasant set out to ask for the princess' hand in marriage. When he arrived at the palace, he found out he will have to compete with several other peasants to prove his worth as the next king. The night before the competition, he went to buy some food. “You look worried young man.” “Yeah. Tomorrow, I'll be competing for the princess' hand in marriage. Of course I'm worried. When it's done, then I'll be able to relax.” And the next day comes, and the peasant competes with the others, in a long day of traditional disciplines, devised to test his worth as the next king. The disciplines include such gems as throwing pitchforks into moving targets, and taming an angry boar with only his bare hands and a length of rope. (That's quite a ridiculous way to choose the next king, but hey. It's tradition.) And the peasant emerges victorious, and everybody celebrates, the princess rewards him with a kiss, and they retire into the princess' private chambers. “You look worried, my dear.” “Yeah, I know.” “What's wrong? You just won my hand in marriage!” “Yeah, I still can't quite believe it's real. When we're standing together at the altar, a week from now, and say our vows, then I will finally believe it and be able to relax and be happy.” A week passes, the marriage takes place, and the newly crowned prince retires into his private chambers with the princess. “You look worried, husband.” “Yeah. I would really love to help the people of this country, your old father is no longer able to rule properly. But my hands are tied. I can't do anything while he's still alive. When he dies, then I will be able to help our people, and I will be happy.” A few months pass. The old king dies. The whole country mourns for a week, and then goes about its business as usual. “You look worried, my lord.” “Yeah, there are unrests in the border regions. When I'll dealt with those, then I will be happy.” So he deals with the unrests. And then a dragon attacks the country, and the new king bravely fights him off. And then plague comes, but the king smartly manages to contain it and cure his people. And then there's drought, and then floods, and fires and storms, locusts, invading armies, ingrown toenails… Eventually, the king finds himself on his own death bed. The royal scribe comes to see him. “You will soon die, my lord. Do you have any parting words of wisdom you would like to share with the next generations?” “It's about bloody time. My whole life has been one catastrophe followed by another. When I die and enter the afterlife, THEN I will finally be happy…” *** So many people focus on happiness ever _after_. “After I get my degree, then I will be happy.” “After I start earning $100,000 a year, then I will be happy.” “After I retire, _then_ I will be happy!” And like the peasant in the above story, they end up chasing the ever elusive “after”, but never actually reach it. There is no happiness in the after. The happiness is in the NOW! As the old saying goes: “Tomorrow never comes. Because when it comes, it's today again.” Don't make the same mistake as the peasant. Stop looking for happiness in the future, and instead savour everything you already have. Happiness is already with you. You just need to tap into it. Pause to smell the proverbial roses along the way (although here in the city, the only things along the road I could pause to smell are… well, let's just say you wouldn't want to smell them.) Errrm, as I was saying… think of roses. Right now, just slowly breathe all the way out, and take a deeee-ee-eep slooo-ooo-oow breath in. Then breathe all the way out, through your nose, even slower than you breathed in. Good! And I've got a quick exercise you can do right now to get really happy! I call it “3 Simple thing I love about…” Just pick an area of your life. Any area of your life. Could be your work, or your family life, or your car, or the room you're in right now. Then simply make a mental list of “3 Simple Things I love about [blank].” Here's my example: 3 Simple things I love about living in the UK 1. The bus drivers – I've never seen such happy and satisfied bus drivers before. It's probably got to do something with the fact that over here, we always greet the bus driver when we get on the bus, and thank with for the journey when we get off. It's great to see such people as bus drivers enjoying their jobs. 2. The non-smoking bars and clubs – I love being able to go out with friends for a night out and return home with my clothes still smelling fresh. 3. The awesome British and Irish accents – 'nuff said. The “3 Simple things I love about…” is a great quick exercise if you ever find yourself bored, like in traffic or in the checkout line at the grocery store. It instantly annihilates the boredom, and fills your life with happiness. Do it right now! Pick one area of your life, and list 3 Simple things you love about it. There's no happiness in the “after”. So enjoy the now! Check out Vlad's blog to get even more happiness in the now! It's got psychology, personal growth, and a crapton of attitude!

One big mistake that I have made many times and I guess others do too – many might even do it on a daily basis – is to think what you feel right now is kinda permanent. That it is how you really feel about things and will feel in the near future too. However, it is really hard to predict how you will feel just an hour or 15 minutes from now. The mind fools you as you identify with the emotions you are feeling right now. This can really hold you back in your daily life. Which of course makes a huge impact on your overall life. Should I stay at home or just go? You may for example not feel like going to the gym today. Your mind might say “It's ok, you don't need that anyway, you were there three days ago”. And so you lie back on the couch. But you can also say to yourself “No, today is workout day and I will go even though I don't feel like it/don't think I need to”. And so you go. And after you have been there for maybe 15 minutes you start to enjoy it and you're glad you went. Or there might be a party this weekend. But you are hesitant to go because you will only know one other person there. Maybe no one will to talk to you. Maybe it will be awkward. You may tell yourself “Well, it's better to just stay home and take it easy”. But then you go despite those uncertain feelings and small disaster scenarios in your head. And you have a great time and met a new fun friend that is into the same things as you are. If you go with your inner voice and what you are feeling right now you will miss out on a lot of stuff. And when it comes to your personal development you will be wildly inconsistent. Be consistent, be awesome. People will often not get the results they want. A part of that comes from advertising that tells us over and over that we can get what we want much faster than is really realistic. This leaves us disillusioned. But another part of this lack is because people don't apply the actually very helpful pointers and advice they get in a consistent manner. If you want to lose fat on your body you have to go and workout consistently. You can't just do it when you feel like it. Like maybe a few times a month. You have to monitor what you eat and think before you stuff things into your mouth. If you go with what you feel you may want to reward yourself a bit too much with treats. Or think that you will just work off that extra sugar when you go to the gym. But as I understand it at least the very most important factor for fat loss is about consistently eating less calories than you use. Now, I don't want to paint a bleak picture where you have to behave like a robot and can't have one single ice-cream this summer. And I am not saying that you shouldn't trust your intuition or gut in life and when it comes to big things and decisions. But I have come to understand that my mind doesn't always want what I know is the right thing to do. The mind often tries to get us to choose the easiest option in our daily lives. It makes it seem like what you feel now is reality. Even though emotional states are fleeting and you can change them around in just a few minutes or hours by going to that gym or party. And the thing is if you start to not take what you feel or think right now too seriously and do the right thing anyway you can not only get much better results than you may have before. You will also feel a lot better about yourself right now when you do what you know deep down is the right thing to do.

I don't know what the best tip is to increase your productivity but here's a personal favorite of mine. It's my favorite not just because it helps me to get more things done but also because it's very simple, a great way to brighten your mood and to build an awesome day. Plus, you can apply the same tip in other areas of your life too. And use it to build confidence in your own abilities, raise your self-esteem and face small or big fears. What is it? Start each day with doing the hardest/ most important/ most uncomfortable thing first. That's it. Maybe you have an important call to make that you also fear might be uncomfortable. Maybe you know you have gotten behind on answering your emails and have big pile to dig into. Maybe you have the last five pages of your paper to finish. It's often something that is hard to do and also kinda unpleasant. Whatever it may be, get it out of your way the first thing you do. If you don't then you may build it up more and more in your head and a call that you may be reluctant to do now grows into this big nightmare in your mind where your boss yells at you and everything is just terrible. If you let it go so far then it's also easy to wind up in place where you just put off for tomorrow. And the next day. And so on. As you walk around with vague negative feelings hanging like a gloomy raincloud over your head. On the other hand, if you start your day by doing it you will feel relieved. You feel relaxed and good about yourself. And the rest of the day – and your to-do list – tends to feel a lot lighter and easier to move through. It's amazing what difference this one action makes. You can use this “get a good start to your day” tip a bit similarly in other areas of your life too. Besides using it to increase your productivity you can also use it to: Improve your social mood. If you start your day by feeling social then you'll feel like being consistent with that for the rest of the day. If you start out by being closed off and feeling guarded then it becomes harder and harder to break out of that shell as your day progresses. You can get yourself off to a good start by for instance assuming rapport. This means that just before a meeting, you just think that you'll be meeting a good friend. Then you'll naturally slip into a more comfortable, confident and enjoyable emotional state and frame of mind. This works surprisingly well even if you don't feel that social in the morning. Increase your energy levels. If you work out early in the day you'll feel energized for the rest of the day. This can be crucial on days when you feel tired and zombie-like. What you do early in the day often sets the context for your day. In our minds we have a tendency to want to be consistent with what we have done before. Use that to your advantage. Access the best parts of yourself by starting your day in a better way. Try this tip out for a week and see how much this simple little thing can improve your life right now.

Image by CielChen ( license ). My favorite new TV-show is The Mentalist. One of my favorite little interests over the last year or so has been to try to figure out why some people stand out, why they are charismatic. Now, if you have seen the Mentalist – a show about a former fake psychic who is really good at reading people and helps the police out with solving a weekly murder case – then you have probably seen how charismatic Simon Baker is in the lead role. And even if you haven't, this article just draws some inspiration that show. Many of these qualities are those one may find in many other people that are often considered charismatic like George Clooney, Bill Clinton or just some friend you might have. Also, I think being charismatic is about being a better you and bringing out more of yourself with less self-censoring. So these are just some general things many charismatic people seem to have been in common. There are many variations to being charismatic. Find your own variation by exploring yourself. But also by experimenting and trying things you may not normally do. Big changes do not come from just staying in your comfort zone and telling yourself “Oh, that's just not me”. Big changes pretty much always start with feeling awkward at first. 1. Smile. Yes, this sounds really obvious. But you have to do it too. If you actually try smiling more you'll discover how the world treats you changes a lot. People generally react to how you treat them. And emotions are contagious. Charismatic people often seem to smile a whole lot. So does Simon Baker on the show, a 1000 watt smile like the one in photo above, probably a dozen times in each episode. Positivity and enthusiasm are also emotional and mental headspaces that are associated with smiling and they make other people feel good. This is probably the simplest of the tips here, and the one I would start implementing first. And, even if you don't always feel like smiling do it from time to time anyway (not all the time though of course, that's just weird). Because it works backwards too. Try forcing yourself to smile for thirty seconds right now. By making yourself smile, no matter how you feel, your body will start to release all those wonderful chemicals that make you feel happy. 2. Be interested, open and curious. Here's a classic tip from Dale Carnegie: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one.” Or as a woman said after having had dinner with two English statesmen Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone: “When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest woman in England.” Now, you may think; “people aren't always that interesting”. Sure, that may be the case. But this is also a belief and you tend to see what you want to see. If you make the effort to actually be genuinely interested in people you often find interesting things. Openness is very important here. People want someone to communicate with and listen to them without judgement. So there will be a resistance towards someone who is judgmental and people may hold back or even avoid that person if it becomes too much. On the show, Simon Baker often has an almost childlike curiosity that is warm and charming. When you are curious you become more open, positive and naturally interested in people and all kinds of stuff. How do you become more curious? One way is to remember how life has become more fun in the past thanks to your curiosity and to remember all the cool things it helped you discover and experience. And then to work at it. Curiosity is a habit. The more curious you are the more curious you become. And over time it becomes more of a natural part of you. 3. Be fully present. This is one of the qualities people often mention after having met charismatic people like Bill Clinton or Oprah. They are fully there. Centered and with the intense focus that being present creates. People aren't used to that and feel special. So listen fully to the person as an equal no matter who it is. Keep the eye-contact without staring (and don't forget to break it sometimes). Also, presence tends to make you more open and curious in a natural way. When you are present things and people just tend to become more interesting. Here are two quick ways to center yourself and reconnect with the present moment again: Focus on your breathing . One way to quickly become present is to take breaths with your belly – this calms your body too – and just focus on your in- and out breaths for about two minutes. Focus on what's right in front of you. Or around you. Or on you. Use your senses. Just look at what's right in front of you right now. Listen to the sounds around you. Feel the fabric of your clothes and focus on how they feel. 4. Be assertive. This is a very important point and something I think is perhaps often missed by people who want to improve their social lives. They may think “well, I have been so nice towards everyone for the last few months but it doesn't seem to have changed their behavior towards me much”. This is the “nice guy/girl” problem. S/he is very nice but there is no assertiveness. There is no changed feeling within about how you feel you deserve to be treated. You may still be nice just to get approval from other people. You feel the craving need. And people who crave approval the most tend to get it the least. We do to a large extent choose how we want to be treated. How you expect people to treat you can have a big effect on how you allow yourself to act and how people around you view and treat you. Charismatic people are often seen as leaders of some sort. Simon Baker is assertive in a relaxed way on the show. Although he isn't the boss officially he often gets to do things his way. And although that's just a TV-show, I think it works a bit like that in real life too. You have to be a leader in some way, but it doesn't have to be in an official way. 5. Be confident. Like smiling, this one is pretty obvious too. You can't really be that charismatic if you aren't confident. So what is the number one way to increase your self confidence? I'd say, face your fears. I think that if you want to experience better self confidence on a deeper and more fundamental level you simply have to have experiences where you face your fears. There is no way around it. Also, it's only when you face your fears that you discover the thing that billions of people throughout history have discovered before you. Failure or making a mistake won't kill you. Nor will being wrong. The sky will not fall down . That's just what people that haven't faced their fear yet think. But facing your fear isn't always easy though. Here are two tips to make it easier: Be present. If you are present and in the moment when you are taking action to face your fear you don't get so nervous and stuck in negative thought loops about how everything will go wrong. Be curious. When you are stuck in fear you are closed up. You tend to create division in your world and mind. You create barriers between you and other things/people. When you shift to being curious the world just opens up. Curiosity is filled with anticipation and enthusiasm. It opens you up. And when you are open and enthusiastic then you have more fun things to think about than focusing on your fear. 6. Be amused. This may sound like an odd tip but I have seen charismatic people do it quite a bit. Baker does it a lot on the show, he is constantly amused by what happens as the plot twists and turns. You can also see on DVD:s with Eckhart Tolle, a third of his seminars seems to be about him being amused by something and laughing. George Clooney does this a lot too in interviews and movies. And I get why. Being in an amused headspace is one of the best ones you can be in. You so relaxed and having fun. You feel light. And the things you do feel lighter too. How do you do it? By not taking everything so seriously. By keeping a light and positive attitude. By having an abundance mentality. 7. Be socially free and authentic. This may be the hardest part. On the show Baker really don't care too much about what people think of him. He just does what he wants. Of course, in reality you have to be a bit more careful. But when you are overly concerned about what other people may think then you often act in reaction to what you think they might say or do. And so you can't be your most genuine and best self. Here are three tips that can help you increase your inner social freedom: Realize people don't care too much about what you do. They have their hands full with worrying about their own lives and what people may think of them instead. Yes, this might make you feel less important in your own head. But it also sets you free a bit more if you'd like that. Increase your self confidence. The more confident you become, the more you have faced your own fears the less you care so much what other people may think. Over time you become stronger and more centered in yourself. Focus on what you can control. Here's a great way to look at things from the ancient scripture Baghavad Gita: “To action alone hast thou a right and never at all to its fruits; let not the fruits of action be thy motive; neither let there be in thee any attachment to inaction” To me it means that I cannot control the results of my action. I can't control how someone reacts to what I say or what I do. And that I should do what I do just because it is something I want to do rather than because of some outcome I'd like. But at the same time I should not let these two ideas lead me to become passive and get stuck in sitting on my hands and not taking action at all. So I do what I think is right and that is my responsibility. And then the rest (the possible results), well, that is not up for me to decide about or try to control. I let it go. Final thoughts It seems to me that a lot about being charismatic is about making the other person/people feel good. And you inspire that and transfer that into them by being more free and genuine socially, by being fully there, by being positive and open and confident etc. yourself. So being more charismatic is mostly about bringing out more of these or other positive qualities in yourself. They are already there to some extent. You just have to practice and have the courage to make them stronger and bring them out more consistently. You may also like: 160 Deep Quotes That Make You Think 40 Moving Forward Quotes (to Help You Reach Your Dreams)

“Man must cease attributing his problems to his environment, and learn again to exercise his will – his personal responsibility.” Albert Einstein “It is a painful thing to look at your own trouble and know that you yourself and no one else has made it.” Sophocles “A sign of wisdom and maturity is when you come to terms with the realization that your decisions cause your rewards and consequences. You are responsible for your life, and your ultimate success depends on the choices you make.” Denis Waitley What is one of the most boring and tiresome words ever? Like discipline, responsibility is one of those words you have probably heard so many times from authority figures that you've developed a bit of an allergy to it. Still, it's one of the most important things to grow and to feel good about your life. Without it as a foundation nothing else here or in any personal development book really works. So today I'd like to explore personal responsibility with the help from some timeless thoughts on the topic. 1. There is always a price to pay. “Freedom is the will to be responsible to ourselves.” Friedrich Nietzsche “Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.” George Bernard Shaw “When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” Unknown Not taking responsibility may be less demanding, less painful and mean less time spent in the unknown. It's more comfortable. You can just take it easy and blame problems in your life on someone else. But there is always a price to pay. When you don't take responsibility for your life you give away your personal power. 2. Build your self-esteem. “Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the high road to pride, self-esteem and personal satisfaction.” Brian Tracy “The willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self-respect springs.” Joan Didion Why do people often have self-esteem problems ? I'd say that one of the big reasons is that they don't take responsibility for their lives. Instead someone else is blamed for the bad things that happen and a victim mentality is created and empowered. This damages many vital parts in your life. Stuff like relationships , ambitions and achievements. That hurt will not stop until you wise up and take responsibility for your life. There is really no way around it. And the difference is really remarkable. Just try it out. You feel so much better about yourself even if you only take personal responsibility for your own life for day. This is also a way to stop relying on external validation like praise from other people to feel good about yourself. Instead you start building a stability within and a sort of inner spring that fuels your life with positive emotions no matter what other people say or do around you. Which brings us to the next reason to take personal responsibility… 3. Give yourself the permission to live the life you want. “When we have begun to take charge of our lives, to own ourselves, there is no longer any need to ask permission of someone.” George O'Neil By taking responsibility for our lives we not only gain control of what happens. It also becomes natural to feel like you deserve more in life as your self-esteem builds and as you do the right thing more consistently. You feel better about yourself. This is critically important. Because it's most often you that are standing in your own way and in the way of your success. It's you that start to self-sabotage or hold yourself back in subtle or not so subtle ways once you are on your way to the success you dream of. To remove that inner resistance you must feel and think that you actually deserve what you want. You may be able to do a little about that by affirmations and other positive techniques. But the biggest impact by far comes from taking responsibility for yourself and your life. By doing the right thing. 4. Taking action becomes natural. “Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer It is often said that your thoughts become your actions. But without taking responsibility for your life those thoughts often just stay on that mental stage and aren't translated into action. Taking responsibility for your life is that extra ingredient that makes taking action more of a natural thing. You don't get stuck in just thinking, thinking and wishing so much. You become proactive instead of passive. 5. Understand the limits of your responsibility. “Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.” Epictetus Taking responsibility for your life is great. But that is also all that you have control over. You can't control the results of your actions. You can't control how someone reacts to what you say or what you do. It's important to know where your limits are. Otherwise you'll create a lot unnecessary suffering for yourself and waste energy and focus by taking responsibility for what you can't and never really could control. 6. Don't forget to take responsibility in everyday life too. “I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble.” Helen Keller “You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.” Abraham Lincoln Life consists of each day. Not just the big events sometime in the future. So don't forget to take responsibility for the little things today too. Don't postpone it. Taking responsibility for your life can be hard and taxing on you. It's not something you master over the weekend. So you might as well get started with the it right now. 7. Aim to be your best self. “Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody expects of you. Never excuse yourself.” Henry Ward Beecher “Peak performance begins with your taking complete responsibility for your life and everything that happens to you.” Brian Tracy This is of course not easy. But it's a lot of fun and the payoff is massive. You are not trying to escape from your life anymore. Instead you take control, face what's going on and so the world and new options open up for you. You start taking action not just when you feel like it. Improvement isn't about short spurts once in a while. Consistent action is what really pays off and can help you achieve just about anything. You build your self-esteem to higher levels. And may discover that many smaller problems you experience regularly such as negative thinking, self-defeating behavior and troubled relationships with yourself and others start to correct themselves as your self-esteem improves. You gain an inner stability and can create your own positive feelings within without the help of validation from other people. So how do you take responsibility? Well, it's simply choice that you have to make. Reviewing the reasons above and also the awesome quotes is for me a powerful way to keep myself in line. Though it doesn't always work. Doing the right thing in every situation is hard to do and also hard to always keep in mind. So don't aim for perfection. Just try to be as good a person as you can be right now. When you know those very important reasons above it becomes a lot easier to stick with taking responsibility. And to not rationalize to yourself that you didn't really have to take responsibility in various situations. That doesn't mean that I beat myself up endlessly about it. I just observe that I have hurt myself and my life. And that doesn't feel good. And so I become less prone to repeat the same mistake . Also, two habits that I think are essential to be able to do the right and often hard thing and take personal responsibility are the ones I wrote about a few weeks ago: increasing your energy levels and learning to be present. Without the extra energy and the presence it becomes more difficult to take action and to not create extra resistance and negativity within yourself.

“To action alone hast thou a right and never at all to its fruits; let not the fruits of action be thy motive; neither let there be in thee any attachment to inaction” This quote comes from the ancient Sanskrit Hindu scripture Bhagavad Gita and every time I look at it I feel a sort of freedom and relief. There is a certain lightness to it. What does it mean? Well, this is just my interpretation and frankly I think that it's a bit hard to explain. But I'll give it a try because it's been helpful for me. This quote tells me to understand that I cannot control the results of my action. I can't control how someone reacts to what I say or what I do. And that I should do what I do just because it is something I want to do rather than because of some outcome I'd like. But at the same time I should not let these two ideas lead me to become passive and get stuck in sitting on my hands and not taking action at all. Basically, I do what I think is right and that is my responsibility. And then the rest (the possible results), well, that is not up for me to decide about or try to control. I let it go. What are the upsides of using this in your life? You become more stable in yourself. You stop grasping all the time for what people think and feel about you. You become less needy. One obvious side-effect of this can be better social interactions. When you stop caring so much about what people may think of you then you relax and say what you want to say instead of trying to protect some image you want to uphold. You become more authentic. You focus on the process. I for instance use this when I workout. I don't take responsibility for the results in my mind. I take responsibility for showing up and doing my workout. The results come anyway from that consistent action. And this makes it easier for me to take this action when I know that is all I need to focus on. Instead of using half of the energy and focus I have available on hoping that I “reach my goal real, real soon”. Focus on the process and you will be a lot more relaxed and prone to continue than if you stare yourself blind on the potential results that never come as quickly as you want to and puts you on an emotional rollercoaster from day to day. It brings more enjoyment out of the doing. Because now your focus is just on the doing and not split between the doing and the potential results. You become less tired. You don't grasp emotionally for some desired result. And so you don't use so much energy for worrying etc. It's energy efficient. You can switch between mindsets. I like to play around with them. Sometimes you plan and review where you going and how things are going. But most of the time you just focus on the process, on doing what you do instead focusing on those fruits. This may sound boring or like you zap all the excitement out of it. But in my experience it makes it easier to get things done. Action is taken with less effort, over thinking and mind made suffering within. Just like being present this isn't easy to keep up for longer periods. So you have to plug away and work at it like any other habit. When you can slip into this mindset life becomes a lot easier. Because you are detached while doing. You are centered in yourself and taking relaxed and calm action. You feel free from many of the emotional chains you have built up in yourself over the years. You are not carrying around a world of things you could never control anyway on your shoulders. You feel kinda light and liberated.

“In school, I could hear the leaves rustle and go on a journey.” “Hollywood, as everyone knows, glamorizes physical courage. . . . if I had to define courage myself, I wouldn't say it's about shooting people. I'd say it's the quality that stimulates people, that enables them to move ahead and look beyond themselves.” If you haven't been living under a rock for the last few decades you probably know who Clint Eastwood is. At least a part of the real Clint Eastwood seems to be much like the people he has played throughout his career. Determined and decisive. Tough (just watch Gran Torino for one badass 78 year old man). Centered and not overcomplicating things. Here are three of my favorite tips from Clint Eastwood for taking charge of your life. 1. Don't use self-fulfilling prophecies to bring yourself down. “I don't believe in pessimism. If something doesn't come up the way you want, forge ahead. If you think it's going to rain, it will.” What you think will happen often does. If you focus on and think that things will go badly you interpret things negatively and take actions – or no action at all – based on that. You can't really see reality, you just have a perspective of it in your mind. Now, whatever you perspective you use your mind will find proof that your current “reality” is “the right one”. So you have to be smart about things. Like Clint says, you have to let go of pessimism and choose a perspective that empowers you instead of making you feel like a victim and like things will always turn out in a negative way. This can be hard because you are so used to your current perspective and feel like you are right about it since you have so much proof that it was right from past events. Also, it's not that pleasant to admit to yourself that the negative perspective that you may have held for years or decades was a mistake that messed up your life instead of making it better. When you take charge and choose for instance a more positive perspective things around you change. Many of them may be the same things that were always there. You just see them – and yourself – in a new light now. And you can start using self-fulfilling prophecies to empower instead of disempower yourself. 2. Let go of the illusion of safety. “If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.” Why do people sit on their hands and get comfortable in their ease and quiet? Well, one big reason is because they think they are safe there. But the truth is safety is mostly a superstition. It is created in your mind to make you feel safe. But there is no safety out there really. Most things don't come with any guarantees. Everything changes, for better or worse. You may get layed off. Someone may break up with you and leave. Illness will probably strike. Death will certainly strike in your surroundings and at some point come to visit you too. This belief in safety is not just something negative. It's also created by your mind so you can function in life. No point in going all paranoid about what could happen a minute from now day in and day out. But there is also not that much point in clinging to an illusion of safety. So you need to find balance where you don't obsessed by the uncertainty but also recognize that it is there and live accordingly. As you stop clinging to your safety life also becomes a whole lot more exciting and interesting. You are no longer as confined by an illusion and realize that you set your limits for what you can do and to a large extent create your own freedom in the world. You are no longer building walls to keep yourself safe as those walls wouldn't protect you anyway. 3. Take responsibility for your own life. “Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands.” You can look for the next big thing that will fix you. Read more blog articles. Read more personal development books. Look for people to help. And yes, some articles or books or people will give you insights that resonate deeply with you. But in the end, if you are an adult then no one is coming. No one is coming to save you. You have to take responsibility for your own life and what happens in it. Other things and people can certainly aid you quite a bit. But you are responsible. You can go around blaming society or some people for your problems in your life. You can always find scapegoats to judge to feel better about yourself. For a while. You can look for people that will “fix you”. You can do this for the rest of your life if you like. It won't change much. Whatever has to be done, it's you who have to take responsibility and do it. Yeah, things might always not go your way and you will probably have bad luck from time to time. But you still have to focus on yourself and doing what you can do in whatever situation may arise in the outside world.

“The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.” W.M Lewis “You aspire to great things? Begin with little ones.” Saint Augustine One of the more common emails I get goes something along these lines: “Hi! I have read some of the articles on your blog and think personal development is very interesting. But I don't know where to start. What would you suggest?” I have thought about this question and today I'd like to give two answers for it. Of course, you may be here or interested in personal development because you already have some problem you want to solve. Maybe you don't have enough time and need to become more effective to get everything done. Maybe you want to improve your social skills. Maybe you have mountain of debt that you need to get off your back. If you are focused on solving such a thing then I hope you will some help here and on other blogs and in books. But if you don't know where to start or are just curious about personal development here are two suggestions. Getting these two fundamental areas at least somewhat into shape will have many positive payoffs and will help you in pretty much any area of the rest your life that you want to improve. Your body and energy. If you don't have enough energy, then it will be a lot harder to improve your life. You will simply run out of energy after work/school and then you need to rest – or you get lost in getting addicted to reading personal development material – instead of taking action towards your goals and dreams. Or you will not have enough energy to perform as well as you may wish at work or in school. To achieve more success, to improve your attitude, to improve your relationships it is quite likely that you will need more energy than you have available right now. In fact, your problem may to a large degree stem from the lack of energy that becomes a lack of action. If you already had enough energy to take enough action in the areas you want to improve then the problems would probably be a lot less significant than they are now. So how do you do this? You get enough sleep. You eat better and more natural food (vegetables, meat if you are into that etc.) instead of processed food. You exercise a couple of times a week in some way. Doing this stuff has made quite the difference for me personally. Back when I started blogging in 2006 I was a bit overweight. I have probably lost 15-20 pounds of fat without that much effort since then. I have put on more muscle. I have more energy. And working out is great because it's a way to automatically become more positive. After the workout your body is buzzing with endorphins and growth hormones. You feel great. If you do this three times a week or so your mood will become a lot better – and more stable. Well, that's at least what happened for me. I made this change by: Regular exercise. For me it was in the form of lifting weights with a lot of compound movements like dead lifts in quick tempo two to three times a week. Portion control. I ate portions of natural and healthy food that simply weren't so big as before. I stopped drinking soda. Whole grain products. I also switched to just eating whole grain products about a year ago. I think that has made a difference both for fat loss and energy stability during the day. I still have maybe 10 pounds of fat to lose before I am lean as I'd like. And I feel like I can definitely raise my energy levels quite a bit higher. So I have stepped up the cardio this year by adding bodyweight circuits a couple of time a week from The Turbulence Training program by Craig Ballantyne. Really good, quick and intense stuff. Another big upside is that I can do this at home with no equipment other than my body. So it's quick and cheap. Which leaves me with pretty no excuse left to not do it. By following the overall guidelines in the Turbulence Training program and monitoring what and how much I eat via the helpful and free Fitday.com I think I will lose those extra pounds of fat by the beginning of the summer. I highly recommend that you take charge of this fundamental stuff if you haven't already. It makes a big difference and makes your whole life a lot easier. Being present. Since this is The Positivity Blog you may have guessed that the other suggestion would be about improving your attitude. I thought about writing about it but felt that I just wanted to focus on two things in this article. And learning to be present is even more useful really. Plus, when you are present in this moment right now you naturally wind up in the positive part of the emotional scale most of the time anyway. I wish I had started out with this one but it took me some time to even find about these things by reading books by Eckhart Tolle. I think it's good to start out early with this because it is quite hard to stay present and not be dragged back to “normal thinking” – by that I mean when you are thinking a lot about the future or past in some way – for longer periods. And because being present has several upsides that will solve or reduce some common and basic problems that you may have. Stuff like: Positivity. As I already mentioned, when you are present you feel more positive because negative self-talk disappears or is greatly reduced. Most modern problems are to a large extent in the mind. If you can shut off negative self-talk and thoughts you naturally become a more positive guy/girl. Less worry-warting and overthinking. If you are a chronic overthinker that goes round and round in circles in your mind before you ever get anything done then being present is a great release from that habit. I'm not saying that you won't slip back into overthinking. But being present just for a while can help you. It can allow you to stop worrying about what may happen and just take some action to get started. To actually see what happens. Coolness. You tend to become cooler when you are present. You don't get bothered as easily by negative stuff happening. You don't become so reactive anymore. You don't create drama and make mountains out of molehills. You flow a bit more through life. You act in a way that may seem cooler and more confident on the outside. While on the inside you feel positive, calmer and more centered. Easier to take action. Being present can actually help you with the first suggestion in this article. It makes it easier to go the gym or wherever you go to workout. It makes sit easier to do the workout. Presence makes stuff a lot easier to get done because now you aren't creating so much resistance within. Improved creativity. If you write or do some other creative work you may have found that your best work flows out of you when you are not thinking that much. You just write, paint and play. You enter a state where things just come to you. Then later you can come back and edit your work. Improved social skills. Which seems kinda obvious if you look at the benefits above. When you are more positive, relaxed, cooler and more confident you are of course in a much better place socially than if you do the opposite. You become more likable. You become more attractive. You have more fun when interacting with people. Also, when you are present you may discover that you don't run into the dreaded “I don't know what to say” problem that many of us have encountered. Instead funny and interesting stuff flows out of you naturally, just like when you are hanging out with your best friends. You express yourself authentically because you don't censor yourself to protect some image you want to project. That's why a thing like assuming rapport works so well, you are just being your natural self instead or of a false self that wants to seem cool or smart for example. Personally, I still switch between being present and being back in “normal thinking” all the time. Some days I can stay present for pretty much the whole day, but that is still pretty rare. I find it quite easy to step into the now if I am not already there and to stay there pretty consistently for some time (a few hours). It's a wonderful place to be in and act from. My main tools for becoming present right now are these four: Focusing on my breathing. I take belly breaths for a minute or two. This is great way to calm down if you are nervous. By focusing only on the in- and out-breaths it is also a great way to reconnect with present moment again. I see things as for the first time. I imagine it like that, I take that role. Like someone who has never experienced this before. Like a child or someone who has never been here before. I like this one and I have been doing it from time to time for years (although back then I didn't really understand why it felt nice when I did it). Listening to Eckhart Tolle on my mp3-player. I have few audiobooks by Eckhart Tolle on my mp3-player that I listen to a few hours a week. Books like Stillness Speaks and Even the Sun Will Die. This is very helpful to snap back into the present moment and also to remind myself about things I have forgotten. And to pick up things I missed before. It is often said that emotions are contagious. So is presence. Using Paraliminals. Since the middle of December last year I have been using guided mediation CDs called Paraliminals four to five times a week. One nice benefit of these CDs is that they put you in a very centred and calm state of mind with very little self-talk in general for maybe five hours to half a day after you have used them. This makes the transition into being present during that time a whole lot easier. And that's my two suggestions for where to start. With your energy and with your presence. Now, what is your suggestion, where do you think would be a good place to start?

Note: This is a guest post by Diane Dutchin of Coaching Alive the Mind, Body & Spirit. We've heard this statement a few times “time stands still for no man”. How true are those words. Time denotes our existence here on earth, the dash – between the dates of our birth to the last day of our life contains a personal history of who we were, how we lived, who we knew and what we did with our lives. It is filled with memories of love, joy, laughter, pain, sorrow, anger, forgiveness, emotions all entertained, some internalized, some expressed, and some exploded. In the midst of our living, time continues on its endless journey – time is a gift, though we rarely stop and acknowledge it as such. With every day time is equally allotted to everyone – 24 hours, and what we do with that time is totally up to us. We can spend our time wisely, or worthlessly, we can squander it, or invest it, we can enjoy it, or abuse it, we can live it, or retreat from it, but it moves on regardless. Time cannot be contained, only the memories caught within that time can be! With time we have the amazing ability to capture within our memory bank those moments that cause us to become embodied with adrenaline, love, passion, peace, and a revealing awareness of who we are as individuals. As a result of what time allowed us to live, we can identify with what turns us on, and off. We then find ourselves gravitating towards events and people that will cause us to experience again, and again to what has awaken our being. The analogy of the effective use of time is demonstrated by first placing large rocks firsts into a jar before adding pebbles, sand and water. This is simply to illustrate the representation of using time wisely by attending first to the most important tasks, and so forth. Sometimes what is caught we'd like to forget, or have a chance to go back and redo, but we can't because time does not stand still, and does not rewind. We can only learn from what transpired within that time, grow from it and move on. Time does however; give us opportunities to make changes within ourselves that would empower us to be better human beings. To seek forgiveness for wrong we've incurred, and seek to forgive, to change how we see others, how we view ourselves, to add value and build our self-esteem, which will ultimately have a positive effect on those around us. Time according to the Webster dictionary is defined as a period; it's like a capsule of life being caught and preserved by actions and words of humans being that unfolds into what essentially makes up our lives. Time cannot be seen; a clock simply is used as a gauge to keep us aware of what we need to do, and when we need to do it. Within the sphere of time we have the ability to do whatever we want, but using time to be effective is time well spent. Unconsciously, we make the decision daily as to how we're going to spend time, let's spend it wisely creating memories that will benefit you and those you'll touch. Dealing with different aspects of time: Important Time Is the time we use to attend to the things that are of high importance in our live; like working to earn a living, filling the role as a parent, and partner. Paying bills, balancing our budget, attending school, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle are all things that usually take up our important time. Prioritizing these tasks will add value to our lives, and leave us with a feeling of fulfillment at day's end. Interrupted Time Are the things that creep into our day that are unexpected, like being delayed in traffic jam, missing the bus connection, and work load increase with other unfinished projects on the go are a few things that shows up in our lives that sometimes can send us back. Recognizing that some of the time interrupted issues are out of our control will help to ease elevation of stress, and we'll be in a better frame of mind to come up with alternate ways to tackle the issue at hand. Escape Time Those moments when we simply need to get away from the daily grind, to step back, step away from the situation and clear our heads. Using times like these are very important to maintain sanity; especially when we find ourselves being short tempered on the job, snapping at others for no reason. Escape time is healthy when we're in a relationship that is going sour with no hope of reconciliation – not that we're running away, but simply stepping back to gather our thoughts together to make healthy choices. Relaxing Time The time we enjoy good food with great company, get caught up with what's going on in the lives of our friends, vacationing, watching TV, reading a book, or participating in something that we enjoy doing. Setting aside time to relax is a must; hard work should be rewarded. Taking time to relax will reenergize the mind and body, and we'll be able to reflect on what we're grateful for; our jobs, loved ones, health, and whatever earthly possession we have, and sometimes take for granted. Dream Time Or what I like to refer to as “me time”. We should take time to dream, this allows our mind to reevaluate where we're at in life, see what area needs work, and take note of how our dreams are being manifested, and those that we've allowed to die. This will give us the opportunity to awaken that desire and bring that dream back to life. Dream time gives us that chance to self align and take stock of our life's journey, and serves to remind us of what our desires are and take steps to live those dreams. Action Time This is where we take actions, make movement to execute those dreams, live those desires, and go after our goals. Write down what steps are needed to manifest those dreams, record our mission statement, goals, deadline and reasons why we're going after that dream. Then implement it! There's something powerful about walking out what the mind has processed. Bed Time This just may be one of the times we look forward to; especially when we're spent from a hectic day. It is important to get at least 6-8 hours of restful sleep; this not only builds the immune system, but also gets us ready to handle what the new day will bring that requires the use of time. We need to use the time we have now, to live in the now, to embrace good, to love ourselves unconditionally, to give life to others by showing we care, and by adding value to others. Time is too precious of a gift to waste, so make the decision to use the time given to you wisely, and you will not only find fulfillment, but enjoyment in the process. Diane Dutchin works part time as a Writer, Fitness and Lifestyle Coach based in Vancouver BC who blogs about fitness, encouraging, mind stimulating and life changing topics. Check out her work at Coaching Alive the Mind, Body & Spirit and 1-2-3 Fat Loss Solution.

“Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face.” Helen Keller “Whatever we expect with confidence becomes our own self-fulfilling prophecy.” Brian Tracy “Confidence is courage at ease.” Daniel Maher I believe that one of the most common wishes is simply to feel more confident in various situations in life. But how? Confident friends may say: “Well, just be confident, man!”. However, to a person that doesn't feel that confident this piece of advice may not be very helpful. At all. There are however some time-tested and timeless advice. And in this article I'll explore some of those tips. You can learn much more about becoming more sure of yourself and building your inner strength and assertiveness in my 12-week Self-Esteem Course . Now, I hope you will find something useful in this article to help you improve and maintain your own levels of confidence. 1. Take action. Get it done. “Having once decided to achieve a certain task, achieve it at all costs of tedium and distaste. The gain in self-confidence of having accomplished a tiresome labor is immense.” Thomas A. Bennett “Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment.” Thomas Carlyle “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” Dale Carnegie The most important step in building self confidence is simply to take action. Working on something and getting it done. Sitting at home and thinking about it will just make you feel worse (and lazy ). Simple. But not always easy to do. To make it a bit easier, here are a three of my favorite ways to make it easier to take action: Be present. This will help you to stop overthinking and just go and do whatever you want to get done. This is probably the best tip I have found so far for taking more action since it puts you in a state where you feel little emotional resistance to the work you'll do. And it puts you in state where the right actions often just seem to flow out of you in a focused but relaxed way and without much effort. One of the simplest ways to connect with the present moment is just to keep your focus on your breathing for a minute or two. Lighten up. One way to dissuade yourself from taking action is to take whatever you are about to do too seriously. That makes it feel too big, too difficult and too scary. If you on the other hand relax a bit and lighten up you often realize that those problems and negative feelings are just something you are creating in your own mind. With a lighter state of mind your tasks seems lighter and become easier to get started with. Have a look at Lighten Up! for more on this. Really, really want it. Then taking action isn't something you have to force. Taking action becomes a very natural thing. It's something you can't wait to do. 2. Face your fear. “The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear.” William Jennings Bryan “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” Eleanor Roosevelt Look, I could tell you to do affirmations or other exercises for months in front of your mirror. It may have a positive effect. Just like preparing yourself it may help you to take action with more confidence. But to be frank, if you don't listen to the quotes above and face your fears you won't experience any better self confidence on a deeper and more fundamental level. Having experiences where you face your fear is what really builds self confidence. There is no way around it. However, there are ways to face your fears that do not include that much shaking of the knees. There are ways to make it easier for yourself. Be curious. When you are stuck in fear you are closed up. You tend to create division in your world and mind. You create barriers between you and other things/people. When you shift to being curious your perceptions go SWOOSH! and the world just opens up. Curiosity is filled with anticipation and enthusiasm. It opens you up. And when you are open and positive then you have more fun things to think about than focusing on your fear. How do you become more curious? One way is to remember how life has become more fun in the past thanks to your curiosity and to remember all the cool things it helped you to discover and experience. Realize that fear is often based on unhelpful interpretation. As humans we like to look for patterns. The problem is just that we often find negative and not so helpful patterns in our lives based on just one or two experiences. Or by misjudging situations. Or through some silly miscommunication. When you get too identified with your thoughts you'll believe anything they tell you. A more helpful practice may be to not take your thoughts too seriously. A lot of the time they and your memory are pretty inaccurate. 3. Understand in what order things happen. One of my favorite snippets of movie-dialogue is this one from the 1999 film “Three Kings”. In this scene Major Archie Gates (George Clooney) wants the small team to save a fellow soldier and steal Saddam's gold just after the first Gulf War has ended. The young soldier Conrad Vig (Spike Jonze) has his doubts about the plan: Archie Gates: You're scared, right? Conrad Vig: Maybe. Archie Gates: The way it works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it. Conrad Vig: That's a dumbass way to work. It should be the other way around. Archie Gates: I know. That's the way it works. Great movie. Great little piece of dialogue. Even though it may not be what people want to hear. The thing is, when you do things you don't just build confidence in your ability to handle different situations. You also experience progressive desensitization. What that means is that situations – like for example public speaking or maybe just showing your latest blog post to an audience out there – that made you feel all shaky become more and more normal in your life. It is not longer something you psyche yourself up to do. It just becomes normal. Like tying your shoes, hanging out with your friends or taking a shower It may seem scary now. But after having done whatever you fear a few to a dozen times or so you may think: “Is that it?”. You almost feel disappointed of how anticlimactic it has become. You may even get a bit angry with yourself and wonder why you avoided doing it for so long. 4. Prepare. “One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self- confidence is preparation.” Arthur Ashe When you know nothing of what you are about to do it's very easy to get lost in vague, foggy fear and worries and start building big horror scenarios in your mind of what may happen if you give it a try. Preparing yourself and educating yourself can be a big help here. By for example rehearsing and rewriting your speech over and over you can pretty much learn it by heart. By doing research you can find breathing techniques that can quickly make your calmer and present. Or simple visualization techniques that make you feel more confident and positive as you step out on the stage. This is obviously more work than not doing anything about the speech at all before you start giving it. But it can make a huge difference in your confidence levels if you take the time to prepare yourself. And of course, the speech and the delivery of it will most likely be a lot better too. So prepare and you will feel more comfortable and confident. Just don't make the mistake of getting stuck in the preparation phase and using it as a way to avoid taking action and the possible pain that it may result in. 5. Realize that failure or being wrong will not kill you. “Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.” Peter T. Mcintyre “I quit being afraid when my first venture failed and the sky didn't fall down.” Allen H. Neuharth Again, you have to face your fear. Because it is only then that you discover the thing that billions of people throughout history have discovered before you. Failure won't kill you. Nor will being wrong. The sky will not fall down. That's just what people that haven't faced their fear yet think. The thing is to reframe failure from being something that makes your legs shake to something useful and important for the growth of your self confidence and self-esteem and your overall growth as a human being. Here are four ways that failure can help you out: You learn. Instead of seeing failure as something horrible you can start to view it more as a learning experience. When standing in the middle of a failure, you can ask yourself questions like: What's awesome about this situation? What can I learn from this situation? You gain experiences you could not get any other way. Ideally, you probably want to learn from other people's mistakes and failures. That's not always easy to do though. Sometimes you just have to fail on your own to learn a lesson and to gain an experience no one can relate to you in mere words. You become stronger. Every time you fail you become more accustomed to it. You realize more and more that it's not the end of the world. And, again, you get desensitized. You can handle things that would have been very hard to handle a few years back. Failing can also a have an exhilarating component because even though you failed you at least took a chance. You didn't just sit on you hands doing nothing. And that took quite a bit of courage and determination. Your chances of succeeding increases. Every time you fail you can learn and increase your inner strength . So every failure can make you more and more likely to succeed. And remember, the world doesn't revolve around you. You may like to think so. But it doesn't. People really don't care that much about what you do. They have their own life, problems and worries that the world revolves around them to focus on. They don't think that much about you or are constantly monitoring what you do wrong or when you fail. Maybe a disappointing thought. But a liberating and relieving one too because now you can let go of that worry that everyone is watching you. 6. Get to know who you are and what you want out of life. “The world has the habit of making room for the man whose words and actions show that he knows where he is going.” Napoleon Hill “Don't listen to anyone who tells you that you can't do this or that. That's nonsense. Make up your mind, you'll never use crutches or a stick, then have a go at everything. Go to school, join in all the games you can. Go anywhere you want to. But never, never let them persuade you that things are too difficult or impossible.” Douglas Bader To build and find more confidence in yourself you have to get to know yourself better. Go exploring. Face some of your fears. Fail over and over and understand that it isn't really that big of a deal. Grow stronger through such experiences and also become more internally relaxed. Figure out what really excites you by simply trying a whole bunch of stuff out. When you know more about who you are and what you want out of life – not other people say you want – you will have more confidence in yourself and what you can do. What other people say or think will have less of an impact than it used to because you know who you are better than they do. And since you have had all these experiences, since you have taken time to really get to know yourself and stretch yourself you will trust your own opinion and ability more than anything outside of you. You become stable and centered in yourself. This will of course take time. It may be something that never really ends. So you might as well get started now. Want more quotes to help you to feel better about yourself and improve your self-esteem? Then check out 101 Inspiring Self-Esteem and Self-Love Quotes .

Note: This is a guest post by Michael Miles of Effortless Abundance. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was a Swiss born psychiatrist who spent much of her career writing and speaking about illness, death and dying. Kubler-Ross, who wrote the famous book, On Death and Dying, developed the idea of the stages of grief at a time when the medical establishment was largely refusing to address these issues. Her work on death is monumental in scope and importance, and through her writing comes an immense humanity, compassion and wisdom. She has much to teach us about our daily life. “You will not grow if you sit in a beautiful flower garden, but you will grow if you are sick, if you are in pain, if you experience losses, and if you do not put your head in the sand, but take the pain as a gift to you with a very, very specific purpose.” The message here is that we can learn from every experience, and that in fact every experience can be regarded as a gift. This, perhaps, is a hard thing for us to hear – we have been conditioned to think of illness and pain in a negative way and we try to avoid suffering at all costs. But all growth involves pain and so perhaps we should be less eager to shy away from it, learning instead to welcome it and take something of value from these experiences. “People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” I once read a beautiful description of the sun shining through the branches of a tree. When the tree is in full foliage, the light cannot get through, but in winter, when the tree is stripped of its leaves and only the bare branches remain, the sunlight can shine through to the other side. Our suffering can teach us profound lessons and allow us to be more sensitive and to add more value to the world. Through our suffering we can become more than the shallow and selfish consumers we often associate with being successful. “I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime.” If we wish to live a good life, we cannot abdicate responsibility for our lives to someone or something else. We cannot allow other people or circumstances to pull our strings. Realizing that we are in control, frightening though this may seem, is the first step to an authentic, actualized life. This proactivity, as Viktor Frankl calls it, is the cornerstone of all personal productivity, and is the first of Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. “There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.” Viktor Frankl wrote that ‘man's search for meaning is the primary motivation in his life' and we all have a purpose which, to use Frankl's language, we have to ‘detect.' It appears that the unique circumstances of our life are oriented to enable us to detect this meaning, which is different for each of us. Why, then, spend so much time worrying about all the apparently terrible things which happen the world? It is enough for me that I grow and learn from the experiences of my own life, using my own unique challenges and difficulties to construct a meaningful and fulfilled life. How do I know why my neighbor is experiencing a certain kind of problem? This is his concern, and his alone. “There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace. You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub… Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose.” We can pursue happiness in external things – money, success, career, social achievements, religion, even family. But happiness will elude us until we realize that it is not to be found ‘out there' – it is not something to be acquired, but rather it is found in the silence of our inner world. It is found in the quiet place at the center of our selves, and this silence is available to us every moment. The outside world can only be truly enjoyed when we have come to this realization. “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” We have a task to perform here on earth. It is not to do with the acquisition of property, money or worldly success. Although I believe that these things are good in themselves and that striving for them is a worthy pursuit, there is a deeper purpose to our lives, and this purpose is usually (perhaps always) arrived at through suffering and pain of some kind. In the words of Nietzsche, ‘Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich starker,' That which does not kill me, makes me stronger. Michael Miles writes at http://effortlessabundance.com.

“Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?” Winnie the Pooh “The world we have created is a product of our thinking; it cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” Albert Einstein When I was younger I used to think that thinking was the best thing since sliced bread. So I thought. And though and thought. And then I thought some more. It had some wonderful and positive effects such as helping me to get good grades in school. But on the other hand this thinking was also trapping me and limiting me in various ways. One of my biggest insights in recent years is that there are a lot of both positive and negative sides to how you think. So learning to use my thinking in a better way has become a main focus and also one of the most beneficial things I have ever done. Now, this may sound a little vague so I let's explore some of the facets of thinking with the timeless help from clever people that have gone before us. 1. You are what you think. “As you think, so shall you become.” Bruce Lee Understanding this is essential to start thinking in more useful ways. It's perhaps the most basic statement of how we work. Think about what you are thinking today. What do those thoughts say about you? About your life? And how well do they really match your plans for your life and your image of yourself? It's easy to forget about this simple statement in everyday life. It's easy to be quite incongruent with what you think on an ordinary day compared to how you view yourself and your goals. A simple external reminder such as a post-it with this quote can be helpful to keep you and your thoughts on the right track. A brilliant and beautiful expansion on this thought can be found in James Allen's “As a man thinketh”. 2. Thinking has its place. “Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in.” Napoleon Bonaparte “Chi Wen Tzu always thought three times before taking action. Twice would have been quite enough.” Confucius Thinking has its place. But it can never replace action. I sometimes think there is some kind of wish when overthinking that thinking will somehow replace action. A wish that if you just think enough you can find some easy way out. Or get what you want without having to actually do something. Without taking action you'll most likely not get what you want. Thinking is however seldom as scary or uncertain as taking the leap into the unknown and taking action. So it can become a place where you hide from taking action and then rationalize to yourself in different ways how all this thinking will help you. Even though you know deep down that what you really want and need is to take action and get going. 3. Your mind can become a prison. “Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.” Franklin D Roosevelt “It is neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.” William Shakespeare “Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world.” Wayne Dyer Thinking isn't always all it may be cracked up to be. What you believe about yourself and the world is what you will see and find. Here's the big problem though: when you are in your prison cell you can't see it. You think your beliefs and what see is reality and that it has you boxed in. But it's just a perspective. So you have to take a leap of faith and try out a new belief and viewpoint to actually experience a change in your world. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking: “well, when I see some proof of this being true then I might make a change in how I think”. Such reasoning doesn't really work that well because it's just theory and it's seen from your current perspective. Your mind won't allow you to see what isn't aligned with your current beliefs. Or you will just disregard it as nonsense or something that may work for someone else but not you. You mind wants to keep your perspective of the world stable. I think it's better to think about what would be most beneficial for me. Yes, you may see a lot of proof in the world that your current negative attitude is the correct one to have. But don't you think a positive attitude would be even more useful to make you happy and successful? 4. We are emotional creatures. “People mistakenly assume that their thinking is done by their head; it is actually done by the heart which first dictates the conclusion, then commands the head to provide the reasoning that will defend it.” Anthony de Mello “When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.” Dale Carnegie It's alluring to think you are someone in complete control. Someone who controls his/her life with a good head on those shoulders. But your emotions play a huge role. Sure, everyone likes to think of themselves as smart and in control. And the mind is fond of thinking that it's in pretty much complete control too. The thought that what we do is often based in an emotional response to something that happens to us and we later on rationalize as the right thing to do isn't as appealing. The ego that is based in the awesomeness of human thinking doesn't like that. Such theories may make us seem just a bit too much like animals for the ego to be happy about it. This may sound a bit depressing but I also think it is very important to keep in mind. So you don't blindly follow what your thoughts are telling you. So you become more attentive to your emotions (and other people's emotions too). And so you can make decisions that are more based in what's helpful and positive rather than for example based on old emotional fear patterns you may have. Word and thoughts are important in our lives. But don't underestimate the importance and power of emotions. 5. Think for yourself. “Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too” Voltaire This is not always easy though. But it is very important to learn to trust your own judgement and thoughts. It's easy to assume that someone that you view as an authority is telling is the truth. There is however just opinions, no matter who is speaking. Sure, it can sometimes be easier to just do what someone else says. It takes some of the responsibility off you for your life (you can always blame them when things go wrong). And taking it the other way and becoming totally unreasonable is of course not helpful either. But you have to make yourself the highest authority in your life. It can't be your parents, boss or some personal development guru. Let other people think for themselves. Listen to what they have to say. But find a lot more freedom within and in your world by holding your own opinion the highest. 6. Don't worry what others are thinking about you. “At the age of 20, we don't care what the world thinks of us; at 30, we worry about what it is thinking of us; at 40, we discover that it wasn't thinking of us at all.” Unknown “I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinions of himself than on the opinions of others.” Marcus Aurelius The biggest part of thinking and doing what you really want is to stop caring so much about what other people think of you. A lot of the actions you take – or do not take – may be because you need approval from other people. When we are young we get grades in school that tells us that we are “good”. This makes it very easy to create a life where you always go looking for the world to give you the next hit of approval. It may be from your family, boss, friends, co-workers and so on. But this need creates neediness. And the stronger the need the stronger the neediness. And so other people will sense this. And approval may be withheld or used to manipulate you. Or they may just not like your neediness. The people on the other hand that does not care that much about getting approval often do more of what they want deep inside. They may be considered courageous for instance. So the way they live their lives will gain appreciation and approval from the people around them. It's a bit counter-intuitive. 7. When you think, think in a constructive way. “The ‘how' thinker gets problems solved effectively because he wastes no time with futile ‘ifs'.” Norman Vincent Peale. It's very easy to spend your time thinking and imagining all the horrible things that may happen if you stand up and face the obstacles and troubles in life. But if you actually do that those negative images seldom come into life. They are just huge monsters that you build in your mind. Just like you did when you were a kid and imagined monsters in the closet or under your bed. When you actually stand up and face your obstacles you may find that the experience isn't as bad as you imagined. Sometimes it's actually a bit anti-climatic. You think to yourself: “What?! Is this it?”. So, after having done some thinking about how to go about doing something don't fall into the trap of overthinking and monster-building. Just go and do what you need to do instead. 8. Don't think. Just be here now. “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have. Make the Now the primary focus of your life.” Eckhart Tolle “True salvation is freedom from negativity, and above all from past and future as a psychological need.” Eckhart Tolle Many times the best thing you can do is to not think at all. Well, maybe it's a bit of thinking, I don't really know but it's like your mind is empty. You are fully present in this moment. Without dozens of thoughts running through your mind like a wild river. There is stillness within. This is not just a very enjoyable state of mind. It is also practically perhaps the most useful state of mind. Because when you are present your focus is not split. Your thoughts are not in the past or future. And so there is very little fear or negative emotions inside of you. This is the perfect state of mind to take action. When you do something while being present the anxiety or fear that comes from thinking about for example the future (“will I lose this race?”) disappears. This increases the quality of whatever you do while being present. Being present also makes you more creative because you let your subconscious puzzle together impressions and concepts until you get an idea. Often in the shower or someplace like that. Because there you aren't actively thinking about a solution. Your subconscious gets some space to work while you focus your conscious mind on not getting soap in the eyes. Finally, being present makes any activity more enjoyable because the suffering you may feel often comes from a split focus or just too much thoughts running around in your head. My favorite way to reconnect with the present moment right now it to see everything as I was seeing it for the first time. I imagine it like that, I take that role. Like someone who has never experienced this before. Like a child or someone who has never been here before. I like this one and I have been doing it from time to time for years (although back then I didn't really understand why it felt nice when I did it).

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. Anais Nin There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative. W. Clement Stone For myself I am an optimist – it does not seem to be much use being anything else. Winston Churchill I write a lot about having a positive attitude. But why should work on your attitude and try to make it a more consistently positive one? What are the actual benefits? And how do you go about changing your attitude from a negative one to a more positive one? I'll get to that a bit further down in this article. But first, let's start with the why and 8 awesome reasons to blast negativity out of your life and replace it with a more positive attitude. Attractiveness. Frankly, I think this is one of the most important reasons to adopt a positive attitude. It just makes you so much more socially attractive in all kinds of ways (with friends and random people you meet, at work/in school or with some cute guy/girl you're interested in). Plus, a lot of people simply don't have the patience, time or interest in a lot of negativity. They'll just spend more time with positive people instead. You focus on the good things in people. Not their flaws. This will make things much better overall and improve all kinds of relationships. It's easier to be more productive. You simply get more things done when you stop laying obstacles in the middle of the road in the form of negative thoughts. You'll waste less time and energy. Negativity can be like a self-feeding loop. First you think one negative thought. It leads you to three more. And then you start examining your life in deeper detail through a depressing lens. When you get into vicious cycles like these it can eat up hours, weeks and years of your life. It can drain a lot of your energy whilst trapping you in paralysis by analysis. And you probably won't become that much wiser in the process. We live for about 24-28 000 days. Don't waste them. A circle of positivity. Emotions are contagious. Everyone wants positive emotions. And most want to keep them going so they give back positivity to you too. And so a sort of circle of positivity can be created and strengthened. This makes any interactions/relationships a lot more fun. It enables you to see things that aren't there yet. If you are pessimist or a realist you may get stuck in thinking that things will stay the same and a positive change is unlikely. If you think that way then it will be hard to make a big positive change. You have to be able to see it on your mind and have a belief that you can do it to actually be able to achieve it. Everything becomes more fun. The fun aspect of life and personal development is often a bit overlooked. Positivity makes work, school, relationships, working out and just about everything more fun. Negativity is stupid. If you look at the reasons above it becomes obvious how much better and more useful positivity is for you. When I feel negative I often simply remember that negativity is worse choice in any situation really. And since I don't want to make stupid choices I choose to change my attitude in those situations. How I Do It So how do you create, maintain and strengthen a positive attitude? Well, here's how I do it. These tips and mindsets allow me to stay positive about 80 percent of the time right now. I expect those numbers to improve even more over the coming months and years. Changing your attitude can be a lot of work at first but after a while a positive attitude becomes and more of a default just like the negative attitude once was for you. It is important to note that these techniques will become more powerful and easier to use after a while because you form a new belief that your emotional states and thought patterns are things you can shift around pretty quickly. This belief makes things a lot easier since your mind is not resisting so much anymore. You just think Oh, I feel negative and that kinda stupid. Let's change that to a more positive state of mind. And your mind goes: Well, I guess that is what we can do nowadays so OK!. Realize that positivity isn't something uncool, corny or stupid. This is the first step and it can be quite a hurdle even though it may seem obvious. If you have been negative or a realist for many, many years then positivity can seem well, kinda stupid and naive. Your mind and emotional habits are so ingrained that positivity seems a bit too foreign to accept. However, to get this to work you will have to take a leap of faith. Because you can theorize about how stupid or practically useless a positive attitude may be for as long as you want. You won't understand it until you just start using it. And to get it to work you can't have half your mind protesting all the time and thinking that this won't work. Sure, you will have doubts about it and they will decrease when you start seeing some positive results in your life. But if you're doubts are overwhelming then it will be like rowing forward with one hand and rowing backward with the other hand. Decide that you will make this conscious change in your attitude. Or at least that you will ignore your doubts and just give it a try during the whole month of February. Take care of the fundamentals. This is for me the most important thing you can do to maintain and strengthen your positive attitude. How you eat, sleep and workout is huge factor. A good lifestyle, how you live your life on normal days determine how you feel and think. For example, exercising and keeping my testosterone levels pretty high consistently – I do that by focusing on free weight exercises that target many and big muscle groups – is a very simple way to get a lot of positive emotions to flow through my body automatically. A good workout always seems to do the trick. Positive influences. Fill your mind and emotional system with positive input from people, music and programs/books. Other people's thoughts have a big influence and emotions are contagious. Limit your time with negative people. Reduce TV or magazines that may make you feel worse about what you don't own or your body. Or just create fear and negativity within you (for instance a lot of news shows). Limiting negative influences can make it a lot easier to keep the positive attitude up. Set the context for your day. What you do early in the day often sets the context for your day. We have a tendency to want to be consistent with what we have done before. You can use that your advantage in few ways. You can for example do the hardest thing on your to-do list first. When it's done you'll feel good about yourself and it makes the day feel easier and you'll have less inner resistance to getting the rest of the tasks of the day done. Another example is to start your day of great socially by acting social (even if you don't feel like it). This tends to make a normal day a lot more fun and positive than if you if you start out by being closed off and feeling guarded. Act as you want to feel. Act as if you are feeling positive. After a few minutes you will actually feel it for real. So smile. Use positive language. And so on. It feels weird at first but it really works. Cut the negative threads of thought quickly. Do it before you get stuck in them. If I go down a negative spiral of thoughts I quickly – within a minute or two – think Hmm, negativity is stupid and won't help me. And then I choose to focus on the more positive aspects of whatever I'm thinking about or I start thinking about something else. Reframe using questions. I use questions like What's awesome about this situation?Is this useful? to get myself out of negative perspectives and shift my focus to more positive and useful aspects of anything. Be present. I write a lot about being present. One big reason for that is when you are present you are naturally feeling pretty awesome. You become positive, calm and fears you may have are greatly reduced. One way to reconnect with the present is simply to take 30 belly breaths and focus on your in and out-breaths. Another is to just look at what's right in front of you right now. Listen to the sounds around you. Feel the fabric of your clothes and focus on how they feel. Acceptance. Sometimes you encounter negative thoughts or moods that you just can't seem to be able to shake. When this happens – for instance in situations where you have little control, like when you are sick or waiting for your exam results – I use acceptance. By accepting how I feel I stop feeding more energy into the negativity. And so it often disappears or is at least reduced. Take action. Inactiveness, indecision and procrastination tend to create negativity. A good way to get around this common problem is to set that positive and active context for your day. Do the right thing. Indecision and doing what you know deep down is not right will create negative feelings and thoughts within. Do what you think is right and you will create a lot more positive feelings within. A habit of gratitude. Being grateful for all the things you have – health, roof, family, friends, opportunities, food etc. – is a great little tool to shift a negative mood to a positive one. It only takes a minute or two. When you spend some time regularly to focus on all the good things in your life it also becomes natural to expect more good things to flow into your life. And what you expect from the world is often what you get. Meditation. I use guided mediations like Paraliminals, but any form of meditation seems to have positive effects on how you feel and think. A favourite of mine to gain a boost of positivity and eliminate negative thoughts and self-talk is the Self-Esteem Supercharger. I use various Paraliminals about four or five times a week right now. What are your best tips for building and maintaining a positive attitude?

“In my country we go to prison first and then become President.” “There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” “It always seems impossible until its done.” Nobel Peace Prize winner Nelson Mandela needs no long introduction. He was a prominent activist in the struggle against the oppression in South Africa and spent 27 years in prison because of that. Finally, in 1990 he was released and went on to become a president that helped to change and unite South Africa. Here are nine of my favourite fundamentals from Mandela for bringing about change in yourself and in your world. 1. Don't shrink yourself or your ambitions. “There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” It's tempting to play small. To just settle and take it easy. It would definitely be easier, at least in the short run. Because going after what you really want demands so much time, effort and possible pain along the way. But it's also there where you grow and can live fully. While playing small might be easier it also comes with nagging thoughts at the back of your head that say “Is this all there is? Could I have done more?”. Taking the tough road is of course harder in many ways. But it is also there you find the truly awesome triumphs and wonderful times that you may never have experienced otherwise. 2. Move towards your fear. “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” What you really want in life is also often what you fear the most to go after. Moving towards fear is often a pretty good – but terrifying – piece of advice. So how can you overcome the fear that holds you back? Here are three tips: Fear is often based on unhelpful interpretation. As humans we like to look for patterns. The problem is just that we often find negative and not so helpful patterns in our lives based on just one or two experiences. Or by misjudging situations. Or through some silly miscommunication. When you get too identified with your thoughts you'll believe anything they tell you. A more helpful practise may be to not take your thoughts too seriously. A lot of the time they and your memory are pretty inaccurate. Be curious. When you are stuck in fear you are closed up. You tend to create division in your world and mind. You create barriers between you and other things/people. Curiosity on the other hand is filled with anticipation and enthusiasm. It opens you up. And when you are open and enthusiastic then you have more fun things to think about than focusing on your fear. Curiousness also opens you up to gain understanding of something. And with understanding vague, fog-like fears disappear. Don't cling to your illusion of safety. Why do people sit on their hands? Is it just because they become paralyzed with fear? I'd say no. One big reason why people don't face their fears is because they think they are safe where they are right now. But the truth is that safety is mostly a superstition. It is created in your mind to make you feel safe. But there is no safety out there really. It is all uncertain and unknown. When you stop clinging to your safety life becomes a whole lot more exciting and interesting. You are no longer as confined by an illusion and realize that you set your limits for what you can do and to a large extent create your own freedom in the world. 3. Be patient and persist. “After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.” It would be nice if we got anything we wanted right now. That seldom happens. One of the key traits of successful people is that they persist and have patience where others simply have had enough and go home. The problem is often that the time-frames we set up for success in our minds are a bit too optimistic. Advertising tells us that we will have success quickly. The idea of quick and easy success permeates society. Why? Because it's easy to sell. It's appealing to the mind that is in itself often lazy and wants shortcuts. And it's easy to get people to buy another “magic pill” that they hope will solve the problem since the first product will probably leave them unsatisfied. Now, I'm not saying that you sometimes can have great success quickly. But often it takes time. More time than you may have hoped for. How can you set up realistic time-frames with possible obstacles mapped out reasonably well? Well… 4. Educate yourself. “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.” By educating yourself about whatever you want to achieve or overcome you can gain a lot of power. So read books – a good tip is to check out the reviews at amazon.com before buying – and blogs. Ask people who have already done what you want to how they did it. And try to help someone like someone else helped you. It's an awesome way to gain greater understanding of what you are doing/talking about. Plus, you get to help someone out. Educating yourself can also, like curiousness, be a great way to get rid of many of the foggy fears you may have and that are holding you back from taking action and moving towards what you want. 5. Make a friend out of an enemy. “If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.” Turning an enemy or someone we don't like into a friend is difficult because first impressions can be powerful. Our concept of a person can remain intact if we don't push further and question and explore it. Of course, since the ego needs to tell you that you are right and someone else is wrong then it can be hard to change your opinion of someone. That opinion of him/her is tied up in your ego and fuels your sense of being “right”. The key and the way out here is to not take your thoughts or emotions too seriously. To stay on top of them instead of letting them overwhelm and control you. This can allow you to open your mind to a change in the relationship. Now, how can you make him/her your friend? One quick suggestion would be to start looking for the positive in the person. Then to take the first step and give some kind of value – like help for instance – to that person. And then to take more steps if s/he is not convinced that you want to change the relationship. 6. You haven't lost until you don't get up. “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” “There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere, and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires.” Your road to success may not be as bad as it was for Mandela and the people in South Africa. But you will probably have some bad times and some difficult and painful times. There will be bad days and bad weeks (or even months). When you first get started with something you can be filled with enthusiasm and perfect dreams. Somewhere down the line it can become a bit messier and more uncertain. Should you give up at such a point? Well, sometimes maybe it is time to quit and find a something new to focus on. But oftentimes it's like the world is testing you. It wonders if you really want this bad enough. That's when you need to push forward and not let temporary obstacles – no matter if they are real or just in your mind – stop you. Failing is normal. Making mistakes is normal. The people with most success are often the people who failed the most. They learned from their mistakes and failures, grew stronger and more resilient and persisted while the rest of the people gave up. 7. Do it now. “We must use time wisely and forever realize that the time is always ripe to do right.” Circumstances will never be perfect. If you wait for that perfect day to finally take action, you might wind up waiting for your whole life. Some day most often never comes at all. Don't get stuck in that all too common thought trap of thinking that you will do some special thing, but always someday in the future. The right time to take the first step and begin is pretty much always right now. And if you don't feel like doing it and getting started, don't let that inner resistance – if it's not there for some very good reason – stop you. Your emotions and thoughts are not in control of you even though they may want to fool you into thinking so. You can take action despite what they are telling you. 8. Don't stop moving now. “When the water starts boiling it is foolish to turn off the heat.” I think this is an aspect that is often a bit overlooked. When you have achieved some success, what do you do? A common approach is to just lean back and enjoy your own awesomeness and what you've accomplished. Nothing wrong with that. However, if you lean back for too long you lose your momentum. And then you have to start over again (or at least start moving again from a worse place than right after the success). Mandela has an awesome point here. Just like you don't turn off the heat as soon as the water starts boiling you should not retreat or stop moving as soon as you see some success. Because this is the time where you can enjoy what you have accomplished but also should keep on moving and use that momentum and positive, upward spiral of action and results that you have created. 9. Understand that everyone is just human. “That was one of the things that worried me – to be raised to the position of a semi-god – because then you are no longer a human being. I wanted to be known as Mandela, a man with weaknesses, some of which are fundamental, and a man who is committed.” When you start to make myths out of people – even though they may have produced extraordinary results – you run the risk of becoming disconnected from them. You can start to feel like you could never achieve similar things that they did because they are so very different. So it's important to keep in mind that everyone is just a human being no matter who they are. And I think it's important to remember that we are all human and prone to make mistakes. Holding people to unreasonable standards will only create more unnecessary conflicts in your world and negativity within you. Something one may want to keep in mind right now as Barack Obama begins his presidency. It's also important to remember this to avoid falling into the useless habit of beating yourself up over mistakes that you have made. And instead be able to see with clarity where you went wrong and what you can learn from your mistake. And then try again.

Note: This is a guest post by Glen Allsopp of PluginID. I noticed recently that Henrik had advertised he was looking for guest posters so I decided to contact him to see if the offer was still open. He told me it was so I began writing the article you are reading right now. The reason I tell you this is that I'm all about living positively, living a life we have designed and one that is full of happiness. However, positivity is never something I've wrote about, it's not something that crosses my mind, it just tends to come naturally. With that in mind, I decided to do a little twist on the theme of this blog and look at remaining positive even when it looks like there is no hope and things aren't going to get better. 5 Things to Remain Positive About So, what are the 5 things that you should always remain positive about, especially through your low points? Let's find out shall we… 1. Your Health. I love the saying ‘If there's nothing wrong with your health, you don't have a problem', I'm not saying I fully believe in it (I don't believe in problems, only situations) but it definitely makes sense. When we are born, there's only one thing all of us having in common, we are going to die. While that may be a grim statement, you certainly shouldn't look at things like that. Your health is one of the most vital assets you have, in fact it's the most vital asset you have. No matter what car you drive or how much money you have in your bank, they are completely meaningless compared to the importance of being healthy and strong. When everything seems down, just remember that you are alive and healthy and you have the rest of your life in front of you. There's no greater achievement than the gift of life. 2. There's Always Tomorrow. You've probably heard this a million times but the point from this statement is just as true as ever. Have you ever been stressing about something a lot, maybe through impatience, and woke up the next day and found that you don't really care about that ‘problem' anymore? I know I have. There's always tomorrow is not just a wishful thinking mindset, it's a fact. Tomorrow will be here just like today was here, so no matter how bad things are going or how bad your day seems, tomorrow will be here when you wake up and give you hundreds of more opportunities. That isn't to say you should put things off and always be waiting for tomorrow, this is about realising you still have the time to turn things around and improve your situation. 3. Your Potential. There are some people in this world who are billionaires. There are some people in this world that discovered gravity, invented electricity and even someone who came up with the internet. You know what the difference is between you and all these amazing people? Absolutely nothing, you're both human. Some people never live up to their full potential, mostly because they believe that success and fame or happiness and clarity are left for people who are more fortunate than them. Do you think Tim Berners-Lee woke up and decided to create the internet? No way. But I'm sure he had an idea of what he wanted to achieve and went out there to start doing it. You have the potential to be anyone and do anything you want, our time on this planet gives us amazing chances and opportunities, don't waste it because you feel like you have no hope. You have as good a chance to change the world as anybody, you just have to realise it. People made millions, people saved lives, you are a person, you can do the same. 4. Things Could be Worse. Things could be worse, they could always be worse, at least in 99.9% of situations we find ourselves in. I recently told the story of a prostitute who was kicked out on the street by a man who had sex with her and didn't pay. This was while being watched by lots of people with their heads hanging out of office windows to see what was going on. Imagine being in that situation. No matter what problems you think you have right now, they could be worse. If you are struggling to pay your next bill, at least you are living in a home while doing it or have a family who are willing to support you. If you've just divorced your wife, it's not like all other women on the planet have disappeared, you can still get out there and find another girl for you. Life is abundant, don't take your current situation as the worst it could be, because more often than not, things could be a whole level worse than you can imagine. 5. You'll Come Out Stronger. I love challenges, I really do. I love knowing I'm scared of doing something but that I can conquer it. For example I recently did a bungee jump, I was very nervous before jumping from an 80ft bridge but I loved knowing I was nervous, I loved having the opportunity to overcome the fear. ‘Hard times make you stronger' or variations of that phrase are probably something you've heard 100 times before, that's because it's true. Think of any hard time in your life whether it's: Losing your job Going through a divorce Getting beaten up / mugged / burgled (I've had all 3) Being financially unstable If you've been through any of these and came out on the other side then you will know that they've probably made you stronger as a person and helped you with other aspects of your life. Be thankful for the challenges you have right now, because on the other end is a new you with a lot more strength than the old one. Glen Allsopp writes on the subject of Personal Development over at PluginID. You can help him help you by subscribing to his feed, here.

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” Mae West I have blogged for about two years now. I have listed tons of timeless quotes. Today I'd like to share the ten of the tips that have resonated most with me. Ten of my favourites. The quotes I often return to, in many cases just about every week. 1. Woody Allen on showing up. “Eighty percent of success is showing up” One of the biggest and simplest things you can do to ensure more success in your life – whether it is in your social life, your career or with your health – is simply to show up more. If you want to improve your health then one of the most important and effective things you can do is just to show up at the gym every time you should be there. The weather might be bad, you might not feel like going and you find yourself having all these other things you just must do. If you still go, if you show up at the gym when motivation is low you will improve a whole lot faster than if you just stayed at home relaxing on the sofa. I think this applies to most areas of life. If you write or paint more, every day perhaps, you will improve quickly. If you get out more you can meet more new friends. If you go on more dates your chances of meeting someone special increases. In a way success is quite a bit about numbers. The really successful people have often tried and failed a lot more than the average person. 2. Nike on self-discipline. “Just do it!” Quite a while back I sat around and thought about Nike's old catchphrase that seems to pop up from time to time. I thought: “Well, that's easy to say, but it's not so easy to just do”. So I concluded that it was just another catchphrase that people throw out because well, they have to say something. Now I can see that there is actually some really useful advice in that catchphrase. So what changed? Well, I guess I figured out that you can't really sit and think yourself out of something. And I figured out that I was thinking way too much. And that I identified closely with what I thought and felt. This tip is connected to the previous one. People often have a hard time with showing up consistently. Why? Because of inner resistance and bad habits (such as over thinking things). Sometimes you can motivate yourself out of such a negative headspace by, for example, reviewing why you want to show up (improve your health, earn more money etc). Sometimes that won't work though. And it's those times that can send people spiralling into negative spirals going downwards or positive spirals going upwards. Because some people will stay at home when they encounter the resistance. And some will just go and do what they want to do anyway, despite that their mind and emotions might be saying “no, no, no!” Don't trust your thoughts or feelings too much or take them too seriously. You may want change in your life. But your mind may want homeostasis (everything to remain stable). And so there is a conflict. And so there is an inner resistance to change. And so you don't want to get stuck in over thinking things or thinking that your thoughts or emotions are in complete control of what you do. You want to stop listening to what they are saying – or screaming – and go and do whatever it is that you deep down want to do. 3. Helen Keller on fear. “Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold.” “Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature… Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” You cannot sit on your hands and take it easy and hope to get things done. At least not the things you really want to get done (which often may be the things you fear doing). Why do people sit on their hands and get comfortable in their ease and quiet though? Well, one big reason is because they think they are safe there. But the truth is what Keller says; safety is mostly a superstition. It is created in your mind to make you feel safe. But there is no safety out there really. It is all uncertain and unknown. You may get laid off. Someone may break up with you and leave. Illness will probably strike. Death will certainly strike in your surroundings and at some point come to visit you too. Who knows what will happen an hour from now? This superstition of safety is not just something negative. It's also created by your mind so you can function in life. No point in going all paranoid about what could happen a minute from now day in and day out. But there is also not that much point in clinging to an illusion of safety. So you need to find balance where you don't obsessed by the uncertainty but also recognize that it is there and live accordingly. When you stop clinging to your safety life also becomes a whole lot more exciting and interesting. You are no longer as confined by an illusion and realize that you set your limits for what you can do and to a large extent create your own freedom in the world. You are no longer building walls to keep yourself safe as those walls wouldn't protect you anyway. You can instead start your own daring adventure. Perhaps slowly at first, but still. 4. Kahlil Gibran on sorrow and joy. “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see in truth that you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” Your pain and sorrow is often in retrospect a gift. It makes you stronger. More empathic and understanding. It helps you out in some way and guides you. You can always look back it when you feel down and be happy that you aren't in that place anymore. And it's often in the sorrow that we later on create our strengths. Many very fit people started on that path because they had hit a big low point health wise. And many great speakers or just very social people may have been being deathly shy at a young age. It's to a large extent all that emotional leverage and all those painful emotions that at least initially give people a great motivation to change their lives in a radical way. Your sorrow expands the spectrum of human experience, understanding and emotions for you. You become more grateful because of your sorrow. The sorrow carves deeper. And the deeper it carves, the more joy you will also be able to contain. The sad times make the happy times even sweeter. 5. Bruce Lee on not dividing. “Take no thought of who is right or wrong or who is better than. Be not for or against.” This is a very useful and powerful thought. It is also one that obviously is hard to live by. Why? I believe it's because the ego loves to divide and find ways to “add more” to itself. It wants to feel better – or worse – than someone else. Or more clever. Or prettier. Or less cool. Or wiser. It's one big game of comparison. How can you overcome this way of thinking and feeling? To me it seems to boil down to not identifying so much with your thoughts or feelings. That doesn't mean that you stop thinking or feeling. It just means that you realize – and remember in your everyday life – that the thoughts and emotions are just things flowing through you. You are not them though. You are the consciousness observing them. When you realize and remember this it enables you to control the thoughts and feelings instead of the other way around. It also enables you to not take your thoughts too seriously and actually laugh at them or ignore them when you feel that your ego is acting out. When you are not being so identified these things you become more inclined to include things, thoughts and people instead of excluding them. This creates a lot of inner and outer freedom and stillness. Instead of fear, a need to divide your world and a search for conflicts. It simply makes you a cooler person. smiley To learn more about this – and also make it easier to apply many of the tips in this article – I would recommend Eckhart Tolle's books. 6. Mark Twain on approving of yourself. “A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” If you don't approve of yourself, of your behaviour and actions then you'll probably walk around most of the day with a sort of uncomfortable feeling. If you, on the other hand, approve of yourself then you tend to become relaxed and gain inner freedom to do more of what you really want. This can, in a related way, be a big obstacle in personal growth. You may have all the right tools to grow in some way but you feel an inner resistance. You can't get there. What you may be bumping into there are success barriers. You are putting up barriers in your own mind of what you may or may not deserve. Or barriers that tell you what you are capable of. They might tell you that you aren't really that kind of person that could this thing that you're attempting. Or if you make some headway in the direction you want to go you may start to sabotage for yourself. To keep yourself in a place that is familiar for you. So you need give yourself approval and allow yourself to be who you want to be. Not look for the approval from others. But from yourself. To dissolve that inner barrier or let go of that self-sabotaging tendency. To kick ass in whatever you want to do you need to feel and think that you deep down deserve it. Otherwise you'll just pull yourself back into the same mediocre or worse place where you started sooner or later. 7. Epictetus on how you choose your emotions. “It is not he who reviles or strikes you who insults you, but your opinion that these things are insulting.” What you feel and how you react to something is always up to you. There may be a “normal” or a common way to react to different things. But that mostly just all it is. You can choose your own thoughts, reactions and emotions to pretty much everything. You don't have to freak out, overreact of even react in a negative way. Perhaps not every time or instantly. Sometimes a knee-jerk reaction just goes off. Or an old thought habit kicks in. But as you realize that no-one outside of yourself can actually control how you feel you can start to incorporate this thinking into your daily life and develop it as a thought habit. A habit that you can grow stronger and stronger over time. Doing this makes life a whole lot easier and more pleasurable. 8. Samuel Beckett on failure. “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” An easy and relaxed attitude towards failure. An attitude that says that failure is as just about as normal as cooking your food or brushing your teeth. I remind myself of this one when I have failed or made a mistake. Or the fear of failure pops up. It pulls out all the drama one might associate with failure. And makes it easier and less burdensome to take action. 9. Henry Ford on believing that you can. “If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.” The funny thing is that it's hard to see how much your beliefs control your performance and how you see your world when you are used at looking at things from just one perspective. When you think you can do something instead of not your perception of that thing changes. And your perception of yourself too. Without those changed perspectives it will be hard to find the courage, motivation, enthusiasm and whatever else you may need. So to really change your life you may need to take a leap of faith in regards to how you view everything. No one can really give you proof that can convince you to change perspective (because you will just see the proof through your old perspective anyway and dismiss it). You have to try the perspective out for yourself and just see what happens. And here tip #2 becomes very useful once again. Because you may have to just do things even though you are fearful or feel an inner resistance to get the new experience that can support the belief you are trying out. Another powerful factor with beliefs is self-fulfilling prophecies. And this is connected with tip #6. If you think you'll fail you are likely to hold you self back or even trip yourself up (sometimes unconsciously). If you on the other hand think you can do something your mind will start to find solutions and focus on fixing things instead of whining about them. From all of the stimuli around you things, solutions and opportunities will just start to pop up. Without that focus on the right thing, on your ability to do, your mind may not find the resources and solutions that are needed. 10. Kristen Zambucka on reality and changing your world. “Though I might travel afar, I will meet only what I carry with me, for every man is a mirror. We see only ourselves reflected in those around us. Their attitudes and actions are only a reflection of our own. The whole world and its condition has its counter parts within us all. Turn the gaze inward. Correct yourself and your world will change.” This is perhaps my favourite quote so far. I like it because it reminds me that even though there is big, big world out there with many possibilities and people in the end big change in your life comes down to you changing yourself. It's very easy to get stuck in thinking that your perspective, the lens through which you view reality is reality itself. But you can't really see reality. You can only see it filtered through the lens. And the lens is you. Changing, for example, a very negative attitude to a very positive one changes how you view yourself and your entire world. But as I mentioned in the previous tip, it's very hard to convince anyone of this. You just have to choose to try another perspective and just use it for a month or so. Even though homeostasis may want to draw you back to the comfortable stability of your old viewpoint. Which may cause you to rationalize that this positive attitude stuff is uncool or cheesy. Truth is life will never be as in your dreams if you don't change and correct yourself. No one is coming to save you. No book or personal development guru, not your parents, no knight/lady in white armour. Yes, people around you can of course be a big help. But as an adult in this world it is time to grow up and save yourself. Not just because it is the right thing to do. But also because it is what actually works.

“Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.” Mark Twain Mark Twain was right about the problem with the New Year's Resolutions. Most of them are forgotten or abandoned and then we are on the old trampled and familiar paths a month later. But how can we avoid it and actually make lasting changes in 2009? Here are seven common mistakes when trying to keep New Year's resolutions. And some thoughts on how you can solve each of those problems. 1. You don't really want it that much. It's easy to tipsily declare your New Year's resolution for 2009 when you got a glass of champagne in your hand. But do actually want it? Maybe you don't really want it that much. But the world around seems to want it. This doesn't mean that you can't achieve it. But it might be better to focus on what YOU really want. Both to steer your life in the direction you yourself want and to create positive internal motivation instead of external pressure you feel you should live up to. This doesn't mean that you can't use looking good at the beach as one motivation to get in shape. But do it because you want to look good. Not mainly because you want other people to validate you. How do you find out what you really want to do? By thinking and by experimenting and just trying things out (the image you have of something in your head can be very different from the actual experience). Get to know what you really want in your life. When you have figured out what you really want take out a pen and piece of paper. Write down all the reasons why you want to achieve this. You can use this paper later on to solve some the other problems that may pop up. 2. You confuse homeostasis with “time to give up”. One problem with sticking with your resolution is homeostasis. What that means is that any system wants to be stable. That goes for you. And for the people around you. So after the initial enthusiasm wanes it may not feel as that much fun anymore. It's sort of enthusiasm backlash. This is the homeostasis kicking in within your mind (no matter if the goal/habit etc. is actually very positive for you). It's a resistance to change to keep the system (you) stable. If you are simply aware of this being what it is – rather than a signal to give up – you can persevere, be patient and keep going more easily. You should also be aware that the homeostasis may appear in the people around you too. Sure, you getting shape might be great. But it means changes in the lives of the people around you too (perhaps new food and nights spent running instead of watching TV with the family etc.). So the people around may react negatively in some way. Realize that it is the homeostasis in them, not that they are being mean. It's their brains doing what's natural to keep the system (the family, circle of friends etc.) stable when “scary change” intrudes. 3. You don't know how to handle your bad days. We all have bad days, days when we don't feel like doing anything about our resolutions. That's normal. But it can be dangerous to just go with how you feel and think on those days. It can lead to more days with nothing getting done. So you have to help yourself to keep moving on those days too to be consistent and stick with establishing your new habit. You can do this in a couple of ways. Pump up your enthusiasm/motivation. There are many ways to temporarily pump up your emotions for a short while. Two of my favourite ways is to act myself in to an enthusiastic state of mind and to get an enthusiastic vibe from other people (in person or via CDs/DVDs). One great way to remind yourself why you are doing all this hard work is to pull out your piece of paper from tip # 1 and review it. This might be what you need to feel better for the moment and be able to take action again. Acceptance. On some days those things won't work. Then it might be better to go for just accepting how you feel. By accepting you stop resisting, for instance, going to the gym. Your focus is now on acceptance and you are no longer feeding more energy into the resistance and making it stronger. Most of the time your negative feelings will lose so much power when you are in an accepting frame of mind that after a while going to the gym doesn't feel like such a burden anymore. Just do it. So you can't get acceptance to work either? Well, you are still in control. Your emotions or thoughts are not in control. So just get up off the couch and do what you know is the right thing despite how you feel right now. Just go and do it and soon – as you start doing – you'll feel better again. 4. You're not changing your environment to suit you. I think this is an important and sometimes overlooked point. To be able to change you may have to change parts of your daily environment to better support you when establishing your new habit. Make it easy. The weather can be pretty bad this time of year. So it becomes very easy to rationalize to yourself that you don't have to go to the gym because of the snow or rain. So make it easier. Buy some free weights and/or an exercise bike and work out from home. This can really help you to improve your consistency. Make it fun. You don't have to go running if you never really liked it. You can play soccer if you think that is more fun. Try different activities to find what fits you. And find a workout partner if you think that will help you to get things done (and have more fun). Remind yourself. You memory is often not that good when you are doing something new, at least for the first month. So put a reminder on the fridge to work out after supper. Put out your training clothes and running shoes so you notice them (instead of having them tucked away in the closet where you forget about them). You may even want to put up your note with all the reasons for sticking with your resolution by your bathroom mirror to get a motivational boost at the start of each day. Remove easy availability. If you are going to eat healthier this year then one simple but effective tip is simply to remove the easy availability. So toss out all the cookies and then fill up that vacuum in your life by filling your cupboard and fridge with healthier snacks like fruit and nuts. 5. You don't have a realistic plan and expectations. It's easy to get caught up in the enthusiasm and think your resolution will be taken care of within a few weeks. In reality, however, things tend to take longer than we may have hoped for. Especially if you haven't done anything similar before and lack actual experience to draw understanding from. To make a realistic plan you need to educate yourself. Not just draw up some random plan. Have a look at some well respected books ­- for instance by checking the Amazon rating/reviews for them – and websites on the topic you're interested in. Talk and listen to people who have actually done what you want to do. I would also recommend focusing on making the activity the goal, not the result. If you focus on losing 20 pound and misjudge the time and effort it will take to do that then it's very easy to become disheartened and give up. So focus on the process, focus on – for instance – working out 3 times a week instead. Make that your habit and adjust the difficulty along the way. You should still have your goal of losing those pounds in your mind and measure from time to time. But keep your main focus on just going to the gym or running track consistently, week in and week out. The pounds will come off as a side effect of that habit. With a realistic plan where you focus on consistent action it become easier to be more patient. And also not to give up when you are faced with homeostasis or the inevitable mistakes and temporary failures along the way. 6. You're focusing on too many resolutions at once. If you have too many goals, to many habits to implement directly at the start of 2009 it may wind up in little being established as a natural part of your life two months later. Enthusiasm is great. But it can make you so unfocused that you just bounce around like Tigger. Or drain you after a while as you try to create too many new habits at once. Especially if you are not used to it. Or in great shape energy wise (keep an eye on what you eat, how much you sleep and the exercise you get). It may be better to just focus on your most important habit/resolution for January. It will be less of a drain on energy and focus. And you still have 11 more months to establish other habits you want to incorporate into your life. This may sound like a slow and boring way of going about things. But it's whole lot better – and more effective – than becoming fatigued, feeling down on yourself for not being able to keep up with all your resolutions and finally giving up completely. 7. You let temporary failure or mistakes lead to giving up completely. I failed and gave up three or four times before I could establish a habit of working out three times a week. I think read that Steve Pavlina failed four times before he was able to switch to a raw diet and finally stick to it. And Edison failed several thousands of times before he got the light bulb to work as he wanted. So you got to understand that failure is normal. And the best route is to keep going and gain understanding from your failures or mistakes. Social conditioning and homeostasis often seems to lead us to believe that if you fail you should go home and not ever try again. But the most successful people are so successful just because they failed, learned and tried again. And again. Because they viewed failure and mistakes as something valuable and pretty positive instead of something dreadful and painful. 2009 will pass no matter what you do. You will arrive at New Year's Eve this year too. So if your fail or make some mistakes, so what? Since the time will pass no matter what you do you might as well try again. By doing that you can make 2009 your best year ever.

I used to be very Tigger-like. I'd get a new idea in my head and it would be the answer to all my ills and BOING! off I'd bounce – until I realized that I really didn't like the idea at all. So, I'd get a new idea into my head and declare to the whole world: “This is what makes me happy!” until I'd figure out that no, that wasn't it either. Like many people I would apply a trial and error method to finding happiness. I never took the time to figure out what would make happy and I ended up wasting a lot of time and energy as well as delaying happiness. For those who don't know Tigger, in Chapter Two of the House at Pooh Corner, he arrives in the Hundred Acre Woods. He's a bouncy fellow, declaring loudly that when it comes to food he likes everything, that is until he starts tasting things and realizes that in actual fact, he likes very few things. Fortunately he figures it out before lunch time. Many times, trial and error is a perfectly good method – it allows for a wide variety of experiences, and if you learn from each trial, the errors will get fewer and fewer until you've found what really makes you happy. But what if you never do? What if you spend your whole life going from the last error to the next trial? Wouldn't it be better to harness the energy and enthusiasm in a way that brings happiness to your life sooner? Here are nine steps you can take to do just that: Stop bouncing about. Many people dash around (literally and figuratively) because they don't want to face what they'd see if they were to slow down. If you're bouncing from one action, thought or emotion to the next, you can't really know what's going on inside and what you really want. Extract happinesses from your past. Now that you've calm the bounce, look back at all the things you've done in your life, professionally and personally. Look for the things that made you the most happy. Make note of them. Find a pattern. When you look at the list, do you notice any similarities? Sometimes a pattern is obvious, but sometimes, it's subtle. Really examine your past happinesses and try to find common themes that run through them. Get advice from others. Yes, many people will tell you what would make them happy or what they think would make you happy based on potentially unreal expectations. At the same time, however, the people closest to you might notice things about yourself that you've kept hidden. They're not inside your head, so they might be able to suggest some ways of finding happiness that you've never thought about. This is why coaching is such a growing industry. Brainstorm some wild ideas. Now that you have a calm foundation, it's time to let the bounce free. Get a white board, a large piece of paper – anything that's not a normal sized paper or computer screen – and brainstorm. Come up with wild ideas that you'd never ever do, but would thrill you to follow through on. Make a list. Go back through your three types of ideas-gathering (mining the past, advice, and brainstorming) and make a single list of all the possible ways that you could find happiness. This might seem like drudgery; it's the least bouncy part of the process, especially if an idea from one of the sessions has your feet itchy to start bouncing off in pursuit. But resist the bounce. This step is very important if you're going to avoid another series of fruitless trials and errors. Mentally try out each idea. Don't get too detailed with picturing pursuing each idea as you don't want to fall in love with every possibility, but imagine yourself during the process of achieving the dream and in succeeding. Especially take note of the emotions each idea provokes. Pick the one that scares you the most. Seriously. Know that thing that makes you shiver? That thing that makes you want to run away and be as scared as Piglet with a woozle? That's your happiness. It scares you because it challenges you to succeed and to make big changes in your life and change is always a scary thing. Turn on the bounce and off you go! Now's the time to set your energy loose. You have a good idea of what will make you happy and you've found it without wasting any energy or time. And instead of running away from the fear, embrace it and let it power your bounces so that you go higher, farther and faster towards your dream. Alex Fayle is a former procrastinator who uses his visionary ability to uncover hidden patterns and help people break the procrastination obstacle so they can finally find freedom and start living the life they desire.

“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.” “Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.” One of my favourite personal development people is the psychologist Wayne Dyer. He seems to be a very warm person but he also someone who takes a lot personal responsibility and is assertive. This is reflected in his work. He's kind but he's not here just to make you feel good. Through a no-nonsense approach he makes you realize obvious – but sometimes uncomfortable – things about how pretty much all of this is up to you. And how many things are quite simple but you are standing in your own way and overcomplicating it all. Dr. Dyer's advice can be applied to just about any part of life. Today I'd like to take a few of his thoughts and see how they can help you improve your social life. If you would like to read more from Wayne Dyer then two really solid books to start with are Pulling Your Own Strings and Your Erroneous Zones. 1. Your relationships are in your mind. “As you think so shall you be! Since you cannot physically experience another person, you can only experience them in your mind. Conclusion: All of the other people in your life are simply thoughts in your mind. Not physical beings to you, but thoughts. Your relationships are all in how you think about the other people of your life. Your experience of all those people is only in your mind. Your feelings about your lovers come from your thoughts. For example, they may in fact behave in ways that you find offensive. However, your relationship to them when they behave offensively is not determined by their behavior, it is determined only by how you choose to relate to that behavior. Their actions are theirs, you cannot own them, you cannot be them, you can only process them in your mind.” “Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world.” “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” How you choose to interpret people and your relationships makes a huge difference. So much of our relationships may be perceived to happen out there somewhere. But your underlying frame of mind – for instance an open one or a protective and closed up one – will determine much about your interactions with new people and people you know. So you really have to go inside. You have to realize that your interpretations from the past are interpretations. Not reality. You have to take a look at your assumptions and expectations and thought habits. Find patterns that may be hurting you (and others). This isn't easy. Or always pleasant. You may discover that you have had some negative underlying habits of thought for many years. But to change you have to do it. Instead of just keep looking at yourself as some sort of unmoving and objective observer of the world and reality. A change in you could – over time – change your whole world. 2. Let go of the need for approval. “People who want the most approval get the least and the people who need approval the least get the most.” A lot of the actions you take – or do not take – may be because you need approval from other people. When we are young we get grades in school that tells us that we are “good”. This makes it very easy to create a life where you always go looking for the world to give you the next hit of approval. It may be from your family, boss, friends, co-workers and so on. But this need creates neediness. And the stronger the need the stronger the neediness. And so other people will sense this. And approval may be withheld or used to manipulate you. Or they may just not like your neediness. The people on the other hand that does not care that much about getting approval often do more of what they want deep inside. They may be considered courageous for instance. So the way they live their lives will gain appreciation and approval from the people around them. It's a bit counterintuitive. But it seems to me like this is how things work. If you really want approval in your life try letting go of that need – as best as you can of course, this is not easy – for a while. See what happens. You'll probably be surprised by how much better you feel inside and the reactions you may get from the outside world. 3. Let go of judgement. “When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” “Real magic in relationships means an absence of judgment of others.” “Judgement prevents us from seeing the good that lies beyond appearances.” Judging can have a sense of fun to it and make you feel better about yourself as you put someone else down. So why give it up? Here are three reasons: People don't like judgemental people. People don't like to be judged. So there will be a resistance towards someone who is judgemental. Waste of time. You can spend your time doing more fun, constructive and positive things. The more you judge people, the more judge yourself. What you see in other people is often what you see in yourself. So if you judge them all the time for their looks or intelligence then you probably judge yourself often about these things too. To let go of judging others can lead you to letting go of judging yourself too. As you lift the limitations you put on others, you lift the limitations you put on yourself. 4. Enjoy the moment. “When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's to enjoy each step along the way.” One technique that can help you improve your social skills is assuming rapport. Basically, instead of going into a conversation or meeting nervously and thinking “how will this go?” you take different approach. You assume that you and the person(s) will establish a good connection (rapport). How do you do that? You simply pretend that you are meeting one of your best friends. Then you start the interaction in that frame of mind instead of the nervous one. But why does it work? Well, I'd say it works because it puts you in the same mental state as when you are with your friends. When you're with your friends you are relaxed, positive, in the present moment and without many cares in the world. This is a great place to be socially. You are just enjoying yourself and your moments with your friends without much thought of the past or future. You are just there. The more you can bring yourself into this mental headspace the more fun you will have with people. And the more fun they will have with you. So try out assuming rapport. And explore other ways to bring yourself back into the present moment through articles like this one or by checking out Eckhart Tolle's books (two good are A New Earth and Stillness Speaks). 5. People like positive people. “Unhappiness is within.” “Simply put, you believe that things or people make you unhappy, but this is not accurate. You make yourself unhappy.” Now we are back in the same territory as in the first tip in this article. How you feel is up to you. You control you. This is important to understand to be able to create and keep a more stable positive attitude. If you let what other people do control – or at least control you too much – then you are on a mental rollercoaster where your thoughts and feelings go up and down all the time. You have to look within to find a great stability to how you think and feel. I'd say that one of the most attractive qualities a person can have is a positive attitude and energy. It is attractive to people at your job/school, family, friends or just that cute girl/guy in the bar. I think that one of the big things people want in any relationships is positive emotions. People simply want to create a flow back and forth with people where all of you exchange positive emotions and feel good. Building yourself a more positive attitude will of course not only make you more likeable. It can also improve every other part of your life. 6. You teach them. “Maxim for life: You get treated in life the way you teach people to treat you.” This is a very important point and something I think is perhaps often missed by people who want to improve their social lives and make it more positive. They may think “well, I have been so nice towards everyone for the last few months but it doesn't seem to have changed their behaviour towards me much”. This is the “nice guy/girl” problem. S/he is very nice but there is no assertiveness. There is no changed feeling within about how you feel you deserve to be treated. You may still be nice just to get approval from other people. You feel the craving need. And as point # 2 explains, you won't get the approval. We do to a large extent choose how we want to be treated. How you expect people to treat you can have a big effect on how you allow yourself to act and how people around you view and treat you. If you start creating a role for yourself where you always let people do what they want to you then you may create some pretty destructive and negative things. You may create an identity for yourself where you get used to always taking whatever anyone doles out. You create a kind of victim identity where you may look happy on the outside but don't feel so good on the inside. But since you have gotten used to it after a while you may accept it and think that: this is just who I am. You may create a concept in the minds of the people around you that it's OK to treat you this way. Either because you seem so positive despite what they are doing so they think it's OK. Or just because you aren't saying no and some people may take advantage of that. Look, you can't please everyone. I think both Eleanor Roosevelt and Buddha have mentioned something along the lines that whatever you do there will always be people who don't like what you are doing. And that's OK. That's normal. Going around trying to please everyone at your own expense isn't healthy though. Or even a realistic thing to attempt. It eats away at you both mentally and physically. So be nice. Be positive. But make sure you set your own standards, rules and limits too. And remember that you might as well do what you want because there will always be critics. 7. Take responsibility for your social life. “Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.” I really like this quote from Nathaniel Branden's excellent The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: “No one is coming”. You can look for the next big thing that will fix you. Read more blog articles. Read more personal development books. Look for people to help. And yes, some articles or books or people will give you insights that resonate deeply with you. But in the end, if you are an adult then no one is coming. No one is coming to save you. You have to take responsibility for your own life and what happens in it. Other things and people can certainly aid you quite a bit. But you are responsible. You can go around blaming society or some people for your problems in your social life (or finances or health). You can always find scapegoats to judge and thought that feel better about yourself. For a while. You can look for people that will “fix you”. You can do this for the rest of your life if you like. It won't change much. Whatever has to be done, it's you who have to take responsibility and do it. Yeah, things might always not go your way and you will probably have bad luck from time to time. But you still have to focus on yourself and doing what you can do in whatever situation may arise in the outside world. 8. Like yourself. “You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with.” Liking yourself is vital to live a happy life. If you like yourself people will of course like hanging out with your more too. A person who likes him/herself, who is positive but also assertive is a lot better than the opposite. Obvious, yes but the hard thing is how to go about liking yourself more. This is a topic that has filled many books but here are few tips that have helped me. Follow the rest of tips above. For example, taking more personal responsibility, working on your attitude and being more assertive consistently will make you feel better about yourself. Do the right thing as much as you can. When you do the right thing you lift your own self-esteem. When you don't do the right thing you tend to stay at the same self-esteem level that you are at the moment (or perhaps even lower it). Be appreciative of yourself, don't just look at your flaws. By appreciating the positive and good things that you think and do you can replace the need for approval from outside sources. You are giving yourself approval instead. This is a lot better than the alternative, because this is an unlimited source that you are in control of.