“Journal writing is a voyage to the interior” Christina Baldwin One of the most powerful tools to aid your own personal growth is keeping a journal. I prefer to do this on my computer and use the Journal by David RM (45 day free demo, 39.95 dollars to buy). It's easy to use, a simple layout and it also has password protection. You may prefer some kind of the dead tree variety or another program. I prefer the software option. When I have all my thoughts in one piece of software instead of a handful of large notebooks it becomes easier to make connections and find what you are looking for in your archives. But why is it helpful to take the time to use a journal in the first place? Here are five of my top reasons. Increased clarity when solving problems. You can't hold that many thoughts in your head at once. If you want to solve a problem it can be helpful to write down your thoughts, facts and feelings about it. Then you don't have to worry your mind about remembering, you can instead use it to think more clearly. Thinking on paper makes it easier to think things through, find valuable details and weak spots in your current problems. This makes it easier find useful solutions to your challenges. To remember important events and insights in life. Just recording the important things that happens in your everyday life is fun and fascinating. Or sometimes painful and revealing. If you don't write it down then the details, the nuances, the emotions may lose some of their power or simply wind up lost forever somewhere in your brain. To talk it out with someone. A journal can be good place to vent and unburden yourself. A place to unload mental RAM and get some emotional release. Your journal can be like a conversation partner that you can talk things through with. This might sound silly but this can be very beneficial. It is, in my opinion, one of the most important reasons to keep a journal. If you do it you may find that you become more relaxed and feel lighter after getting things out and down on paper. To bring thoughts into reality. If you don't write things down it can seem as they are not quite real. When you write them down you bring them out into reality. They are not just some vague thoughts floating around in your mind anymore. For example, one thing a lot of very successful self improvement writers – Anthony Robbins, Brian Tracy, Zig Ziglar and so on – go on and on about is the importance of having written goals. A written goal brings clarity and focus. It gives you a direction. And if you rewrite your goals over and over you not only reaffirm what your goals are. You may also find new insights that bring more clarity and focus to your goals and life. An overview of how things really are. You can use a journal as a way to keep an overview of your thinking over a longer time span and to recognize both positives and negatives in yourself. You may, for example, think of yourself as a healthy person but realise when you read through your journal that you have only been out running four times this month. Or feel like you have a positive attitude, but as you go back over the last few months find a lot of whining and victim thinking. You may also find positive surprises about yourself while rereading and analyzing. The journal allows you to see how things really are. Rather than the way you think they are. How to Use Your Journal. Here are a few quick tips that have helped me to use my journal in better way. Write down your memories while they are fresh. If something interesting happens I write it down as an entry for that day in my journal. Details and emotions will start to degrade so capture them quickly. Think about how you want to use it. The Journal software has more than a space for an entry each day. You can also create entries in a notebook section. I use a few of these to aid my personal growth. The most important is the one I call “Sticking Points”. There I write down problems that come up for me personally time after time. And then I try to come up with solutions. One example would be that I some days can fall into the pattern being pretty unproductive. The solution I use for this is to set the context for my day quickly after I wake up. I do something important early on in the day and then it becomes more natural to be consistent with that mental state for the rest of the day. And so that day becomes a lot more productive than it would have been otherwise. Think about in what ways you want to use your own journal. Perhaps your want to use it to analyze your personal finances. Or your relationships to other people. Or to document what you are eating on a day to day basis. Find out what you want answers for. Actually use it. You get good stuff out of your journal based on what you put in it. So set off some time, perhaps 5 minutes before going to bed. Or 10 minutes every Sunday night to review your week and write down what happened, what you thought and felt and problems and positive things you discovered. Not matter how you want to use it, use common sense so you don't fill your journal with every little detail of your life. Or wind up leaving it unused after the first week of initial enthusiasm. Actually review it. Remember to go through your archives on a regular basis to explore yourself and also other people more deeply. And to find patterns in your world, self-talk, attitude and in other vital parts of life. What are your best tips for using your journal in a more helpful way?

One of the hardest things to do in life is to do the right thing. What you think is the right thing. Not what you friends, family, teachers, boss and society thinks is the right thing. What is the right thing? That's up to you to decide. Often you have a little voice in your head that tells what the right thing is. Or a gut feeling. It might tell you to get up from the couch, stop eating those snacks and go to the gym instead. Sometimes you will put on your exercise clothes and go. Sometimes you will not. It might tell you to stop sulking and feeling like a victim with everything against you and instead look at the opportunities and take action. Sometimes you will. Sometimes you will not. Now, why should you do the right thing? Here are three excellent reasons: 1. You tend to get what you give. By doing the right thing you tend to get the same things back. Give value to people, help them and they will often want to help you and give you value in some form. Not everyone will do it but many will. Not always right away but somewhere down the line. Things tend to even out. Do the right thing, put in the extra effort and you tend to get good stuff back. Don't do it and you tend to get less good stuff back from the world. 2. To raise your self-esteem. This is a really important point. When you don't do the right thing you are not only sending out signals out into your world. You are also sending signals to yourself. When you don't do the right thing you don't feel good about yourself. You may experience emptiness or get stuck in negative thought loops. Its like you are letting yourself down. You are telling yourself that you cant handle doing the right thing. To not do the right thing is a bit like punching yourself in the stomach. 3. To avoid self-sabotage. A powerful side effect of not doing the right thing is that you give yourself a lack of deservedness. This can really screw up you and your success. If you don't do the right thing in your life then you won't feel like you deserve the success that you may be on your way towards or experiencing right now. So you start to self-sabotage, perhaps deliberately or through unconscious thoughts. If you on some level don't think that you are a person who deserves the success you want then you will probably find a way to sabotage that success. You may rationalize it as being about something else or what someone else did. But oftentimes it's just you standing in your own way. By doing the right thing your can raise your self-esteem and feel like a person who deserves his/her success. How to do it Here are a few suggestions that can hopefully help you to do the right thing more often. Review the reasons why you are doing it. Whenever you feel unsure about doing the right thing remind yourself of the powerful reasons above (or any other that you can come up with). They might give you that extra push of motivation you need to spring into action. Go for improvement. Not perfection. I'm not saying you will do the right thing all the time. I certainly don't. But I'm saying that we can strive for gradual improvement. If you for instance do the right thing 10 percent of the time right now then try to doing it 20 percent of the time. And then 30 percent. Or you can try to do the right thing at as many opportunities as you find this week. Try some stuff and see works best for you. My point is just to not get stuck in thinking about perfection or being some kind of saint. This can paralyse you from taking any action at all. Or leave you with negative feelings despite doing the right thing many, many times (since you are still not feeling like you are not quite perfect). If you seldom do what you feel/think is the right thing now then you will probably not be able to change this completely over the weekend. It might take some time. Just do it. The more you think about these things, the more often you tend to come up with reasons to not do it. You need to think but not over think since that often traps you in analysis paralysis. To raise your self-esteem and get a spiral of positive action spinning in your world and with the people around you need to start moving and take action. Taking the route of doing the right thing takes more effort and can be more painful. It's often seemingly the harder thing to do. But when you understand how you are hurting yourself it gets a lot harder to just avoid doing the right thing. The perceived advantages of not doing the right thing – such as it being easier — tend to lose their power and are replaced with a more clearer understanding of what you are doing to yourself and others. Taking this – perhaps a little less travelled – path is a lot more rewarding than taking the easy way out. Both for you and for the world around you.

Note: This is a guest post provided by wikiHow . “Begin, be bold and venture to be wise.” Horace If you're shy, hesitant, or passive, you run the risk of leading a boring life marked by routine and unfulfilled goals. Most progress has been led by people who were bold–scientists, political servants, artists, and others who didn't wait for opportunities; they created opportunities. So if you want to be bold and unstoppable, here are some ways to kick start your momentum. 1. Pretend you're already bold. If you were to switch places with somebody who is as bold as bold can be, what would they do in your shoes? If you already know someone who's bold, imagine how they'd act. If you don't know anyone like that, think of a character from a movie or book who's daring and brave. Spend one hour a day or one day a week pretending to be them. When you do this, go somewhere that people don't know you and won't act surprised when you do things that are out of character. Go through the motions and see what happens — you might discover that amazing things happen when you're bold, and you might be convinced to carry this bold behavior into your everyday life. 2. Make the first move. Whenever you're feeling hesitant–especially in your interactions with others–swallow your pride and make the first move. Ask your acquaintance if they'd like to go to the bar down the street for drinks after work. Tell the person you fancy that you've got two tickets to a concert and you'd like them to come with you. Give your significant other a big hug and apologize for that time you overreacted a few months ago. Smile and wink at the attractive cashier. 3. Do something unpredictable. What could you do that would completely surprise the people who know you? Wear high heels? Skydive? Take a dance class? Bold people aren't afraid of trying new things, and one of the reasons they're so exciting to be around is that they keep you guessing. You can start small, perhaps by wearing a color or style of clothing that you don't normally wear, or visiting a place you normally wouldn't visit. Eventually, you may get to the point where you entertain ideas that make other people's eyes widen when you mention them (“Are you serious? White water rafting?” or “You're kidding me. You want to buy that restaurant on 3rd Street?”). 4. Ask for what you want. Rather than wait to be recognized for your efforts, or expect someone to consider your needs, step right up to the plate and ask. Some people feel that asking for things is greedy, selfish, and rude — and it is, if you're asking for something you don't deserve. But if someone is withholding something that you've rightfully earned, they're the ones being greedy, selfish, and rude. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? They say no. Life goes on. Ask for that promotion or pay raise you've been waiting (and working) for. Ask for a discount. A little haggling can go a long way. The phrase “What can you do for me?” is an easy and powerful way to save money. Ask to have your credit card's annual fee waived. Ask a relative, friend, or even a complete stranger for help or advice. Ask for clarification if you're not sure what is expected of you. 5. Take risks. There's a difference between being reckless and accepting risks. Reckless people don't accept risks… they don't even think about them. A bold person, on the other hand, is well aware of the risks, and has decided to go through with the decision anyway, ready and willing to accept the consequences if things don't work out. Think of an athlete who takes risks every day. Are they reckless? No. It's a measured risk. You might make a mistake; we all do. But inaction can be a mistake as well, one that leads to emptiness and regret. For many people, having taken risks and fallen flat on their faces was far more fulfilling than having done nothing at all. Likewise, don't confuse being bold with being aggressive. Aggressiveness often involves imposing your viewpoints or actions on others. Boldness has nothing to do with the people around you; it's about overcoming your fears and taking action. Remember that while there's power in taking on something new, there's also a greater chance of failure because of your lack of experience. Embrace the failure; it's not the opposite of success, it's a necessary component. The opposite of success is sitting still. 6. Rediscover who you are. Ultimately, boldness has to do with coming from your center, what you believe. It is not about what you do, it is about who you are. If you do not know who you are, you can never be truly bold. Start really appreciating your uniqueness. Discover what makes you different and then parade it around for all to see. Put flags on it, call attention to it and love yourself for it no matter what others think. That is the heart of boldness. This guest post was provided by wikiHow , a collaborative writing project to build the world's largest, highest quality how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Be Bold . All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license .

“Criticism is an indirect form of self-boasting.” Emmet Fox “Before you go and criticize the younger generation, just remember who raised them.” Unknown Criticism can be a painful thing. When it's valid it can also provide you with new insights about yourself and your life. Many of the tips in this article can be used to learn to handle criticism aimed at you in a better way. But I'd also like to point out that it can be very useful to examine your own reasons for feeling like you have to criticise someone. It can tell you quite a bit about your own life at this moment and what you think about yourself. 1. Understand through experience. “Don't criticize what you don't understand, son. You never walked in that man's shoes.” Elvis Presley “Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.” Benjamin Franklin It's easy to fall into the trap of criticizing things because, well, you feel like it's wrong. But do you really understand what you are criticising? From my own experience I have found that one tends to become less critical of things when you have experienced it for yourself and have an understanding. Instead of just knowledge about it. It's easy to be the armchair general, knowing what is always right. Especially in hindsight. It makes you feel good and like you are right. But in the end the credit does not belong to this person. 2. Remember who the credit belongs to. “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt Awesome quote and a thought that you may want to keep in mind. It is of course the wo/man actually out there in the arena who takes the difficult path. The path one doesn't really have to take. You could just stand on the sidelines criticising which would be easier. But watching life instead of living it may not be the best option. Because anytime you are on the sidelines just watching you are probably not doing what you deep down think is the right thing to do. Such behaviour makes you not feel good about yourself or your life. 3. Keep your focus on what's helpful for you. “The artist doesn't have time to listen to the critics. The ones who want to be writers read the reviews, the ones who want to write don't have the time to read reviews.” William Faulkner If you're in the arena you are doing, failing, learning and repeating that all over again and again. You doing something you think is worthwhile. It's helpful to use your focus selectively. If you look at the sides of the arena you may see people booing and some people cheering you on. But to really get the results you want you have to focus. Focus on what you are doing in the arena. Keep your eyes on the ball. The thing is if you take in the positive voices and let them define you then you have to take in the negative voices too. How can you get past that problem? You can listen to them all, but don't have a need or craving deep inside for any of them. Don't seek yourself on other people's opinions. Instead, validate yourself by focusing on the positive things you think and do. And get to know who you really are, not what other people think you are. My mindset for praise – that I try to stick to as much as I can – is that it's cool and I appreciate it. It's great to get praise, but I seldom get overly excited about it and jump and down shouting enthusiastically. A great upside of this mindset is that when you receive the opposite – negative criticism – you can often observe it calmly without too much wild, negative emotions blocking the way. This allows you to appreciate that piece of criticism too (if there is something to learn from it). Basically this mindset is about not caring too much about what other people think. If you do then you easily become pretty needy and let others control how you feel. Both how good and bad you feel. 4. Don't accept the gift. “A man interrupted one of the Buddha's lectures with a flood of abuse. Buddha waited until he had finished and then asked him, “If a man offered a gift to another but the gift was declined, to whom would the gift belong?” “To the one who offered it,” said the man. “Then,” said the Buddha, “I decline to accept your abuse and request you to keep it for yourself.” Simply don't accept the gift of a criticism. You don't have to. Then it still belongs to the person who offered it. This is of course easier said than done. To have everyone own their own feelings and opinions instead of letting them be a part of you or something you feel responsible for isn't easy. Still, one can do it if one is aware of what Buddha describes. You can then choose to decline the gift rather than thinking that you have to accept it. Now, this might not work every time, especially if you are feeling very emotional and vulnerable. Still, it can be helpful to keep in mind. This also ties into the previous tip. When you really need and crave other people's positive – and perhaps negative – opinions to define yourself it becomes hard to reject the gift since you don't see/don't want to see it as something separate from yourself. You are all wrapped up in it. 5. Who are you talking about? “When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.” Unknown When you criticize someone what does that say about you? And when someone is criticising you who are they really revealing? If someone makes a personal attack or just let's the destructive words flow then remember that criticism isn't always about you. Criticism can be a way for the one critiquing to release pent up anger, frustration or jealousy. Or a way to reinforce that his/her viewpoint or belief is the right one. Or s/he may have habit of getting others involved emotionally – baiting them – to build a negative spiral, an argument/fight or to get attention. It's about him/her. Not about something you did. It can have a calming effect to remember this. And to remember that the other person is still human and might just be having a bad day or week. This does of course not just go for “the other people” out there. It goes for you and me too. Whenever you feel a need to be critical, ask yourself why. Whenever you have been critical towards someone who didn't deserve it remember that you are hurting yourself and reinforcing your current state of mind and self-esteem level by this behaviour. 6. There is a better choice. “I have yet to find the man, however exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism.” Charles Schwab So, what can one do instead of criticising someone to get them to improve? One way is by lifting them up instead. By focusing on what they are doing well. And on how they can improve, rather how they are screwing things up. As Schwab says, and as you probably have noticed in your own life, the spirit of for instance the workplace can have a great effect on your on your own mood, productivity, enthusiasm and motivation. Energy flows where attention goes. So whatever is focused on – criticism or lifting people up – will expand and become stronger. One may think that harsh criticism may help and get results. It may just bring people down though and pollute the emotional environment. 7. Accept that it will always be there. “Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing” Aristotle Since criticism often is a form of self-expression for the one critiquing or based in a lack of understanding there is little you can do to escape it. You can of course minimize your interactions with highly negative and critical people. Or keep your focus on what you are doing rather than the critics. But whatever you do some people will probably feel a need to criticise. Whatever you do there will always be people who don't like what you are doing. And that's OK. That's normal. As Eleanor Roosevelt says: “Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.”

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.” Dale Carnegie “All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.” Galileo Galilei “The noblest pleasure is the joy of understanding.” Leonardo Da Vinci One of the interesting things about getting older and being interested in personal development is how you come to understand just how little you really understand. Quite the change from when I was younger and thought I knew it all. :) But how can we improve our understanding of ourselves and our world now? Here are 8 timeless thoughts on that topic. 1. Take notice of what others may teach you about yourself. “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Carl Jung What we see in others is quite often what we see in ourselves. And what irritates us in people is may be what we don't like in ourselves. What you judge in someone you are actually judging in yourself. Therefore what you notice and what irritates you in others can teach you important things about yourself. Things you may not be aware of. In a way people can be like a mirror for you. A mirror that can help you to learn more about yourself, what you fear and how you may be fooling yourself. 2. Look at aspirations to understand the heart. “To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to.” Kahlil Gibran A person may not have done as much as he or she had hoped for just yet. But the exciting part of a person does to large extent lie in his/her dreams. What does s/he aspire to? Dream about during the lunch break? Work at on evenings and weekends? Sure, many of the things people dream about may not become more than dreams. But the dreams say much about the people and their hearts. And that's often more fascinating – and surprising – than what they work with and where they live. 3. You must do to understand. “The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.” Tom Bodett “There is a great difference between knowing and understanding: you can know a lot about something and not really understand it” Charles F. Kettering “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.” Chinese proverb The Chinese proverb above is very much true in my experience. You cannot understand something by reading about it on a blog or in a book. You may think you understand something. But it's not until you try it in your own life that you know how it feels and you get the full experience. That is one of the reasons why it's crucial that you take action. No matter how many books you read on a topic you need to add real-life experience. It's also often in real-life that you learn the quickest, because here you have access to great feedback like failure. 4. Understand first and not the other way around. “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” Stephen R. Covey It's very easy to do this backwards. We all have a need to be understood so it's natural to start in that end. But to really be understood it is better to start with understanding the person you are talking to. By understanding him/her first, by understanding his/her needs, wants, dreams, mood etc. you can adjust your message, solutions and communication so it better fits the other person. If you just plow on with your message and feel need to be understood first you may not get across at all. Because you don't understand the person in front of you. 5. Use a lens of sympathy. “No person was every rightly understood until they had been first regarded with a certain feeling, not of tolerance, but of sympathy.” Thomas Carlyle To really understand someone you have to open yourself up to him/her. You can do that by viewing him/her through a lens of sympathy. This opens you up emotionally and lets you relate to the person on an emotional level and not just the level of words. It also let's you see the person more clearly instead of parts of yourself projected on him/her. Words aren't everything. The most important thing is often how people feel beneath the words. To rightly understand them you need understand how they feel too. To further understand someone you may also want to remember that emotions are contagious. So what you feel is may be what you are receiving from the person in front of you. 6. Be here and now completely. “When we talk about understanding, surely it takes place only when the mind listens completely — the mind being your heart, your nerves, your ears- when you give your whole attention to it.” Jiddu Krishnamurti This is something I have already written a lot about on this blog. To be present. To be here. When you are here and now fully you sense the nuances and the layers below the surface. Presence is a wonderful thing when observing your world or in a conversation/relationship. You are fully attentive to the other person. You don't have to think about what to say, the right words – usually – just flows out of you effortlessly. To be present seems to raise the quality of whatever you are doing compared to if you are unfocused and split. How can you reconnect with the present? Three suggestions: Focus on your breath. Just take a couple of dozen belly breaths and focus on your breathing. Focus on what's right in front of you. Or around you. Or on you. Use your senses. Just look at what's right in front of you right now. Listen to the sounds around you. Feel the fabric of your clothes and focus on how they feel. You can for instance use the autumn sun or rain and how it feels on your skin to connect with the present. Pick up the vibe from present people. If you know someone that is more present than most people then you can pick up his/her vibe of presence (just like you can pick up positivity or enthusiasm from people). If you don't know someone like that I recommend listening to/watching cds/dvds by Eckhart Tolle like Stillness Speaks or The Flowering of Consciousness. His books work too. But cds/dvds are better than books for picking up someone's vibe since the biggest part of communication is voice tonality and body language. 7. Try a different point of view. “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view.” Harper Lee “If one does not understand a person, one tends to regard him as a fool.” Carl Jung This is certainly one of the hardest things about understanding. Why? Because we want to be right. The ego wants it. And it makes it very hard to switch “sides” and look at things from another perspective, especially the perspective of someone you may be in opposition to. By “choosing a side” we may project something upon the other person and label him/her. That label makes it very hard to see the real person underneath. And so it becomes easy to regard the person as a fool. Because you never put yourself in his/her place and at least tried to understand. All that is left is strange and stupid otherness in the other person that enhances how right and perhaps even good you are. As I wrote yesterday, judging can give you a temporary boost of positive emotions. But it's always followed by a hangover where negative thought loops and emotions run around in your mind and body for quite some time. In the long run it's better to try to avoid that instant gratification. To instead, for example, try thought #5 and some sympathy. Because if you do then that makes you feel better and opens up your eyes and world to more fully understand both new – and old – things and people. 8. Understand that there are things you may not need to understand. “People discuss my art and pretend to understand as if it were necessary to understand, when it's simply necessary to love.” Claude Monet “The fact that you are willing to say, ”I do not understand, and it is fine,” is the greatest understanding you could exhibit.” Wayne Dyer I don't know where I got this but one quote that has been bouncing around in my mind for the last few weeks goes something like this: “Analysis is a form of violence.” I think it was Eckhart Tolle who said it (and probably Buddha/some mystic before him). And that's a thing I haven't always paid attention to. When you are interested in personal development then much of your attention is focused on understanding and analyzing things. Perhaps even more so when you also write about the topic. It's easy to get totally stuck in an analyzing frame of mind for long periods of time. But while that can be very useful it can also detract from positive things. Always trying to understand it can screw up your human enjoyment in things, people and experiences. Perhaps some things are better if you don't analyze them so much. Then you will have greater enjoyment of them and be able to see the wonderful and beautiful whole rather than all the small pieces of the puzzle. Finding a balance between trying to understand and just experiencing your world isn't easy. But I think it can be a very useful balance to try to figure out for just about anyone.

One great way to make your life unnecessarily hard and difficult is to assume that the world revolves around you. Sure, such a belief is seductive in the way that it makes you someone who must be very important. If everyone is looking at you and talking about you all the time then that feeds the ego. The ego wants to play the comparison game. So you may identify with a position where you are more than someone else. It may be that you are prettier than someone else. But it may also be something like you thinking you are stupider or uglier than someone else. As long as you are more than someone in some way the ego gets fed. This belief about how the world revolves around you may be based partly in how when you are young the world kinda revolves around you. Your parents, siblings and a lot of grown ups are tending to your needs and whims all the time. However, now that we are adults such beliefs can become limiting. Thinking that the world revolves around you doesn't just mean that someone is behaving like an annoying, spoiled brat. It can be much more subtle than that. For me this has been about sitting down and really thinking about it and my reactions to different things in everyday life. You may find it useful to do the same. This belief can be a bit sneaky. But why should you give it up though? Well, here are four good reasons that I use for motivation. 1. Decreased shyness. Everyone may not agree with me here. But from my own personal experience with being shy it does to a large part come from a belief that people care a great deal about what you are about to say or do. Perhaps you are afraid that people will laugh or analyze what you said/did for the rest of the week. Well, guess what. People have their own lives. I'm not saying that people closest to you doesn't care about you. But that people mostly may think about you for a few minutes. Then they return to their lives. People have their challenges at home, at work, with the economy and so on. Yes, in your head you may be the most important person in the world. But don't project that onto other people. Because in their world the most important person is probably them or their kid(s). Now, the thing here is that people tend to care if you care though. Emotions are contagious. So if you feel nervous or act that way people will feel it too. If you don't care then they won't usually care that much either. Your new belief – that it's not all about you – makes you less self-conscious. You become less shy. And people will sense less of those negative feelings coming from you too. 2. You become more open to try new things. Well, this is an off-shot to the previous point I guess. When you give up the belief that it's all about you experience a bigger social freedom since you know that feeling constrained by how people may react is just to a large part an illusion. Trying new things is of course not only fun and a great way to grow. It will also provide you with proof that people don't really care that much as you try something you may think will bring out a negative reaction from your surroundings. And then you are met by feedback like the disinterested “oh, that's nice” or the eager questions from curious friends/co-workers/family. 3. It makes it easier to deal with criticism and negativity from other people. If someone makes a personal attack or just let the destructive words flow then remember that criticism isn't always about you. Criticism is a way for the one critiquing to release pent up anger, frustration or jealousy. Or a way to reinforce that his/her viewpoint or belief is the right one. Or s/he may have habit of getting others involved emotionally – baiting them – to build a negative spiral, an argument/fight or to get attention. It's about him/her. Not about something you did. It can have a calming effect to remember this. 4. It makes you more open and understanding towards others. This is surely one of the best benefits of realizing that you are perhaps not the centre of the universe. It's very easy to misinterpret people when you are stuck in that old mindset. You get some criticism and you think: “wow, I suck”. While it may be about the other person being human and having a bad day or week. Let's say that the waitress at a cafe is very rude. You may take this personally and get angry or irritated for the rest of the afternoon. Or feel like you are having a bad day and get down about yourself. But perhaps it wasn't about you? Maybe she's worried about her job. Maybe she is going through a divorce. Maybe her dog was run over yesterday. You just don't know what is going on in her life. When you stop thinking that it all revolves around you experience a larger openness and instead of going into a powerful negative reaction when someone does something you are more understanding. Yes, reacting negatively gives you a temporary emotional rush as you feel right and poorly treated by the waitress. It's the ego popping up again. However, personally I don't think that short emotional boost is worth it since it's always followed by negative thought loops and emotions going around and around in your mind and body. Being open and understanding can be harder. But it makes you and your normal day much more pleasant. How to put a stop to this belief I don't have many fancy tips on how to replace your old belief with your new one. Just keep in mind that it's not all about you as much as you can in your daily life. Make it a mental habit by reinforcing it. A written reminder here and there in your daily environment – such as post-it notes on your computer and bathroom mirror – can be very helpful. The more you view the world through your new belief and get proof from experiences in your life the more comfortable you'll be with the belief. The physical proof in your world solidifies the belief and “makes it real” to you. Instead of something you may have read on some blog. You can also try acting as you would like to feel when you feel self-conscious and like everyone's attention is focused on you. In such situation or on such days act as if the world doesn't revolve around you and people don't care that much about what you do. After a while and after taking action you will actually start to feel that way for real. It's a way to jump-start yourself in your daily life and lead yourself onto a more helpful.

Note: This is a guest post by Kacper Wrzesniewski. Each day we are dreaming about our goals. Each day we are moving forward, step closer to the success. Sometimes we are so focused on our objectives that we don't have time to think why we desire success. What is the reason? Do we really need it? Is it coming from the conscious or unconscious part of our mind? I have a simple exercise for you, my friend. Don’t worry; it doesn’t require you to move away from screen and it will take no more than few minutes. Just relax and focus thoughts on your latest success you have achieved. It doesn’t have to be something really big and outstanding. A small success that you have recently experienced is absolutely enough. Ok, got it? Imagine that achieving success is like a journey; sometimes it can be quite easy, sometimes really tough, can be also short or very long. Let’s figure out why you took this journey and what helped you to accomplish it. Jump in your memories to the point where your journey began. Recall feelings and emotions connected to this moment. What was the reason you decided to set yourself this goal? How did you take your first step ? While moving your thoughts on the path toward your goal, try to identify factors that motivated you and increased your energy to go forward. Look also for those who obstructed your journey. How did you cope with them? Finally, arrive to your destination point. What did you feel when you succeed? Were you truly happy or maybe disappointed as the goal didn’t bring you satisfaction and fulfillment? Don’t worry if above questions was difficult for you. To help you answering them, I share with you the six main reasons, which I identify why we want to achieve success. 1. We want to achieve success because it is a part of our life plans. Success is strongly related with our life plans. We can distinguish certain milestones in our plans, like graduating, getting a desired job, starting our own business or new relationship. Achieving these milestones are successes for us. Each of these goals brings us positive feelings and emotions because we know that our life plans are fulfilling and that we are making visible progress. 2. We want the output related with certain success. In many cases we want to experience benefits related with the achievement of a certain goal. In our minds, we have a strong association between these benefits and a state when we are successful. This association causes our success to be desirable and enjoyable. 3. We love the taste of winning. Achieving success is a very positive experience also because it adds value to us and pumps our egos. Achieving success is like personal victory. People love winning. It is very natural. When two children play a game, each of them want to win. It is not important if there is any material prize. They don't need any additional purpose. It is deep in our nature that we love the taste of winning . 4. We need stimulation. Knowing that there is a purpose, a goal we want to achieve, it stimulates us to act. The more challenging goal, the stronger success feeling is related to it. This way, we can get a better motivation to achieve bigger goals and we get additional stimulus to self-improve, grow personally and learn to handle challenging goal . 5. We want to compensate lacks and failures from the past. We all make mistakes. Failures are definitely not nice , but they are unavoidable in our lives and they should always provide valuable feedback. They also raise a strong force that will push us toward further goals. We lost, but in the end we want to win. This victory, preceded by many failures, can compensate all previous unpleasant experiences. This pattern is very often responsible for a reason why we want to achieve success. 6. We find success as a solution for our problems. Enjoying success is a very positive experience. It can weaken influence of other, bad experiences in our life. We often find it easier to act in one direction, when we expect success, while we avoid handling different, unpleasant problems in our life. What is important is that we are often unaware of this mechanism as it mostly works on unconscious level. Now, one more time ask yourself questions from the first part of this article. Is it easier now to answer them and identify your reasons? I’m sure you have just achieved higher level of consciousness, as far as achieving success is concerned. Kacper Wrzesniewski writes on KacperWrzesniewski.com

“The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.” Anthony Robbins “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one” C.S Lewis I think the Tony Robbins quote above is pretty accurate. The quality of your relationships – no matter in what form they may exist – obviously has a huge impact on your life. But what can we do to create new relationships and improve our existing ones? Well, here are 7 timeless tips that people have used throughout the ages. Hopefully you'll find something useful. 1. Be open to new people. “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” Anais Nin It's easy to get comfortable with what you have and what you know. It feels familiar and safe. But being open to new meetings and being open in those meetings can also be a great thing. One of the best and quickest ways to grow and experience new things is simply to meet new people with an open mind. You may feel some inner resistance before the meeting, but just like when you don't feel like going to the gym it's a good thing to not take that feeling too seriously. It's there because it makes it easier for you in the short run and because it keeps things as they are. But just ignoring it and going ahead anyways is oftentimes much more rewarding. 2. Be wary of building walls. “People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.” Joseph F. Newton Men The ego wants to divide your world. It wants to create barriers, separation and loves to play the comparison game. The game where people are different compared to you, the game where you are better than someone and worse than someone else. All of that creates fear. And so we build walls. But putting up walls tends to in the end hurt you more than protect you. So how can you start building bridges instead? One way is to choose to be curious about people. Curiosity is filled with anticipation and enthusiasm. It opens you up. And when you are open and enthusiastic then you have more fun things to think about than focusing on your fear. Another is to start to see yourself in other people. To get that there is no real separation between you and other people. That may sound vague. So one practical suggestion and thought you may want to try for a day is that everyone you meet is your friend. Another one is to see what parts of yourself you can see in someone you meet. 3. Learn to like yourself. “It is of practical value to learn to like yourself. Since you must spend so much time with yourself you might as well get some satisfaction out of the relationship.” Norman Vincent Peale As Peale says, you will have to spend a lot of time with yourself so you might as well make it pleasant. This is also important because how you feel about yourself is often how people will tend to treat you. If you like yourself then that comes through via your body language, voice tonality and words. You will, for example, send out positive and confident signals. Two things that people generally like and appreciate in other people. How do you learn to like yourself? Well, that seems to be a challenge with many answers. But one of the most important things is to do what you feel is the right thing to do consistently. When you think and act as you would like and at least go for what you want – even though you may fail from time to time – you tend to feel good about yourself. You live in alignment with what you think is right. You are being “the best you”. Another thing is to some way down the road realize that adding more to yourself will never be enough. It's just the voice of the ego wanting more, more, more! It's like trying to fill up a bucket with hole in it. A far better mindset is that you are already complete. This makes you feel good about yourself and gives you more emotional stability. What you add to your life – people, gadgets, food – can bring great experiences but you are already complete. This mindset allows you to stop chasing “the next thing” for the rest of your life. However, to be able to take such a mindset seriously you may have to chase things and people for a while longer. When the suffering has become enough, when you've tried over and over again without finding what you look for then that is often the right time. The time when you open up to trying a new perspective. When you have suffered enough you will often take the leap and change. You can read more about this in books by Eckhart Tolle like A New Earth and Stillness Speaks. 4. Your relationships are in your mind. “As you think so shall you be! Since you cannot physically experience another person, you can only experience them in your mind. Conclusion: All of the other people in your life are simply thoughts in your mind. Not physical beings to you, but thoughts. Your relationships are all in how you think about the other people of your life. Your experience of all those people is only in your mind. Your feelings about your lovers come from your thoughts. For example, they may in fact behave in ways that you find offensive. However, your relationship to them when they behave offensively is not determined by their behavior, it is determined only by how you choose to relate to that behavior. Their actions are theirs, you cannot own them, you cannot be them, you can only process them in your mind.” Wayne Dyer “It is not he who reviles or strikes you who insults you, but your opinion that these things are insulting.” Epictetus How you choose to interpret people and your relationships makes a huge difference. So much of our relationships may be perceived to happen out there somewhere. But as mentioned in tip #2 in this article, your underlying frame of mind – do you build bridges or walls? – will determine much about your interactions both new people and people you know. So you really have to go inside. You have to realize that your interpretations from the past are interpretations. Not reality. You have to take a look at your assumptions and expectations and thought habits. Find patterns that may be hurting you (and others). This isn't easy. Or always pleasant. You may discover that you have had some negative underlying habits of thought for many years. But to change you have to do it. Instead of just keep looking at yourself as some sort of unmoving and objective observer of the world and reality. A change in you could – over time – change your whole world. 5. Give value instead of the other way around. “Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” Anthony Robbins As mentioned above, it's useful to like yourself and see yourself as already complete. Otherwise you may go chasing new relationships to get that kick of feeling good over and over again. When you on the other hand like yourself, you spend less of your focus on what you can take and more on what you can give. The desperate craving to get more, more, more and fill yourself up isn't there anymore. Creating a habit of giving value in your everyday life and in your relationships is pretty awesome. And it's something anyone can start to develop today. Some of the things you can do to give value are: Bringing a positive attitude and vibe into interactions. Offering useful advice or knowledge to someone. Giving a genuine compliment. Just offering a listening ear to someone who needs it. Cheering someone up. Hugs. Helping someone out with moving, cooking, cleaning up etc. Taking the lead and creating a fun situation for your friends such as a picnic or a night out on the town. Being totally present in conversation and focused on the other person. It's important to do this without hidden agendas. If you do something just to get something back that often shines through. A genuine compliment is powerful because you really and honestly mean it. It backfires when you are just out to get something from the other person. But of course, people who give a lot of value tend to get a lot of value back. In the long run things tend to even out and you get what you give. 6. Share with someone. “Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.” Swedish Proverb Simple but easy to forget sometimes. Sharing makes life and relationships a lot more fun. And your hard times at least a bit easier. 7. Genuineness is the key. “Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don't over-analyse your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness.” Leo F. Buscaglia I think that one of the most important things in a relationship of any kind is to be genuine. Few things are as powerful as genuine communication and letting the genuine you shine through. Without incongruency, mixed messages or perhaps a sort of phoniness. It's you to 100%. It's you with not only your words but you with your voice tonality and body language – which some say is over 90% of communication – on the same wavelength as your words. It's you coming through on all channels of communication. Being your authentic self – the one where you build bridges, the one where your ego is not running the show and trying to get something from someone – will give you better results and more satisfaction in your day to day life because you are in alignment with yourself. And because people really like genuineness and people really like authenticity.

Note: This is a guest post by Mike King of Learn This. Work Branding I've written on a few topics before about presenting with passion, finding your passions in life and also looking at your online portfolio as each of these things reveal important things about you in your life. They are just portions of what makes you up however and the image you present to others as a whole package is also known as your personal brand. Many people talk about branding yourself for a specific purpose or for work, but I believe people should ONLY brand themselves from the perspective they want to portray for their entire life. Work is really just a portion of our lives since working for 40 hours a week and 50 weeks a year for up to 40 years (about 80,000 hours) is actually only about 11.4% of our entire lives (700,000 hours) if you expect to live to an age of 80 years old. Even if you took 1/3 of your life away to account for sleeping, you still only work about 17% of your waking hours in a lifetime. Think about that for a minute. Is work really that important in the whole scheme of things if it is such a small portion of our lives from birth to death? I'd say not. Life Branding Whether that work centric focus is most important to you or not, this article is a guide to brand yourself in your life in a way that is consistent and congruent with how you live, what you believe in and it is intended for all areas of your life, not just your work life. Happiness is up for grabs when you can live with consistent values and be true to yourself in all aspects of your life which massively reinforces and demonstrates your life brand! So, here are 10 ways that can specifically help you to actually be the brand you want in life. 1. Know Your Own Brand Obviously if you want to be the brand you want in life, you also need to know what you want that to be. Take time to think about this. What are the things that are important to you? What would you want to leave as a lasting impression on others when you meet them, know them well and part ways from them? Exploring this and really understanding yourself is important here to start this process off. If you need help to do this, the best advice is to get out on your own, in complete solitude and think about what you live for. What is your purpose in life and do you want others to know that purpose about you? What are the things you are living for now? Are they different than the things you want them to be? This is one of the hardest steps in the process if you don't already know this about yourself because it takes a lot of time to realize. Take all the time you need, talk to close friends and family about the things that are meaningful to you. Examine yourself to know your own brand that you want to live. The items you want in your brand should be long term and stand the test of time. A brand should not be changing all the time! 2. Eliminate Any Ego Based Perception Egos unfortunately get in the way with branding far too easily. Everything around us trains us to live a materialistic life where ego drives it all. We chase status, money, power and fame without really having any reason or determination for things that are more lasting in our souls. To kill this you must truly kill the ego driven branding that is so easily reinforced in life. Ignore those temporary things in life and focus on the areas that have real lasting impact: Relationships Faith Spirituality Service Values and Morals Health Legacy Happiness Create a sense of self without having to advertise to the world the temporary things you acquire. Show the importance for areas in the list above and work to overcome any bad habits you have where you currently present a selfish or egocentric attitude. Simple comments and attitudes can make a big difference to other people's perspective of you and so small changes can also make a vast improvement in this area. Its important to not simply suppress those ego builders from others, but to really change the thinking behind it to eliminate it in your own mind. If you don't believe it yourself, you will certainly not present to others. 3. Hold True Your Background Your background is often a large part of who you are. This could be where you grew up, what kind of schooling or childhood you had, your family, your heritage, your religious beliefs, whatever the things are that have been a big part of your life, don't abandon them. Take the things from your background that makes you who you are and who you want to be and hold true to those learned things. Continue to value them and don't hide from your past. Embrace it and take life lessons from it. You can't change your past so you might as well gain by it and be honest about it with yourself and others. Your background can often be an important part of branding who you are today and who you want to be. 4. Live and Reinforce Your Morals Do you have and know your morals? Do you live by them and make decisions by them? Everyone does, it's just that the decisions and choices in life are not always in line with the morals we think we have! If you want to be the brand you want in life, you need to live your life according to your morals and have the integrity to stick to them. Don't shift towards and away from them depending on who you are with, or what situation you are in. Knowing your morals and living by them are an important part of knowing yourself and your brand. 5. Make Your Core Values Known Core values are also an important area of life to use, to learn about yourself and to understand your brand in life. There are many advantages of truly understanding your core values and sharing them and when it comes to branding, they are a strong part of a person's makeup and living by them should help you align yourself with the brand you want. Of course, your core values need to align with the brand you want as well so taking the time to examine your core values is a great way to create and understand your brand. Validating that to ensure it's in line with what you want it to be is then the next step. Sharing those values with others is a way to describe yourself and a powerful set of attributes to stick to. This can really help to build your brand let alone live by it. 6. Practice What You Preach If you want to have a brand that others can believe, you have to make it believable. You do this by demonstrating and showing that you are true to the brand you portray and that you actually do practice what you preach. If you say one thing about yourself, yet go and do the opposite, that brand is nothing but words and will likely never hold true. A brand must be connected to the actions, descriptions and message it delivers and the proof of that is in your actions. You have to keep the things you do within the confines of your brand and the more you do this, the more accurate your brand will be to others. Practicing what you preach delivers a powerful message to others about who you are and it makes you and your brand seem genuine and authentic! 7. Strengthen Your Unique Attributes Identify all the things about yourself that make you unique. Is it your attitude, style, humor, work ethic, learning, motivation, energy, empathy, helpfulness, ability to focus, kindness, honesty, responsibility, cooperation, acceptance/tolerance or your perseverance! Of course there are more attributes then that but those tend to fit into the category of liked attributes in the workplace and relationships. Identify those attributes you match and look to work to strengthen them. Make them obvious, demonstrate them, practice them and master them in your life so that you would always be describes as having them if others asked to describe you. You want these attributes to match the brand you are building and showing them often so that they stand out above other attributes will reinforce them in your brand. Not only are your character attributes a great way to build your brand but also your life activities, beliefs, hobbies and experiences. All those things can be part of your brand attributes and the unique ones are easier to talk about and certainly easier for other people to remember you by and to remember your brand associated with it. I just wrote an article about how engaging mountain unicycling is for me and it is an example that I use as one of my unique attributes. While that activity is very common for me as I ride every week, to others, it's an engaging activity and a great way to help people remember me and my brand. I can show massive passion and enthusiasm for that sport since I enjoy it so much. If you have your own unique attributes, use them to describe yourself and build your brand! 8. Demonstrate Your Most Wanted Traits For similar reasons you should show the attributes you have that are your most wanted traits. Perhaps the most wanted by you or perhaps that of others. If you want your brand to demonstrate that, you need to work on them, and practice them so they are visible in many areas of your life. Spending time on mastering your skills for something you want to show will definitely improve it and often just focusing on the one or two attributes you want will allow you to develop it quickly and make it stronger than other attributes. Look for resources here that can help you as well. Ask others who have it how they developed it and how they demonstrate it. Read about it and do research to ensure you understand all the related bits of knowledge for that attribute. Study builds interest in things which can also give motivation and momentum to master particular areas. Using examples, stories, articles and others' experiences is an easy way to learn to demonstrate it yourself. 9. Write About and Share With Others Writing is unfortunately seen by most people as a waste of time, however, there is HUGE value in it. If you want to show and learn more yourself about any content or subject, then writing about it is an excellent way to do that. I've written before how teaching is a great way to learn and writing is often seen as a way to teach something. Look at writing letters, articles or stories about the areas of life you've learned or are working to master and you can easily develop that yourself and convince others of your applied knowledge with those areas. Sharing your brand, the image you want and how you are doing it is very valuable as well. Not only for building it and reinforcing it, but to also work with others to get help. Whether it's through learning from them or building connections that help you get involved where you are most effective, sharing things with others will help you stay encouraged, continually get new ideas and be challenged. This helps you see progress with your branding and that is vital to keeping yourself motivated to keep on working towards being the brand you want to be. 10. Be Consistent With Your Brand It's important to be consistent and true to yourself when delivering your Brand. Armen Shirvanian from Timeless Information commented recently on my article about protecting your online social media profile, in that he states how important is it to be congruent with a consistent brand for yourself. He's absolutely right and this consistency with our online profiles or brand wherever it is displayed can only be done if it is consistent. Every area of this article and the brand you want to build has to be consistent from all areas of your life. You can't be a separate brand in your home life and another one in your work life. It doesn't work and even if you manage to fake them, you will never make it last or reach your full potential having two separate brands. Another great article I read recently on the subject is from Jonathan at Illuminated mind, where he wrote Don€™t be a Sellout: A Guide to Staying Real. This is an excellent article about how to be consistent and true to yourself in the perspective you portray to others. Again, I feel this really reinforces how important it is to be consistent and real with yourself in all areas of your life. Your brand is something you should be happy to share with anyone, friends, colleagues, family or even strangers online. Conclusion So, I encourage you to take some time and follow this plan to build and be your own brand. Put your ideas down on paper and decide how and what you want in each of these steps. Look at applying them in your home life, relationships and work environment. It will drastically improve your confidence in yourself and can really give you the boost you need to become happier, more effective and much more consistent in your life. Don't settle and be complacent with your current brand unless you can honestly be described in your life as the way you want to be and the best person you can possibly be. Mike is the author of Learn This, a productivity blog for self learning career, leadership and life improvement tips. He's written many articles about finding your passion in life, goal setting and many other ideas around learning to have a better and more positive life. Please subscribe to his RSS feed here to read more of his articles!

Note: This is a guest post by Hilary Jeanes of Purple Line Consulting. How important to you is your career? It is surprising how many people leave their careers to chance. They seem to think that their career will just happen or that the organisation they work for will not only decide when their next step on the career ladder is but also what it will be. If it doesn't happen, then the organisation is perceived to be useless or not caring or not recognising/rewarding effort or hard work. We spend a lot of time at work, so doing something we enjoy and find rewarding (both personally and financially) makes good sense. From my own experience, both as an employee of large organisations and as an HR professional, here are 10 tips which make it much more likely that you will achieve the career you want. What do you love doing? Think about any type of work you have done – while you were at school or college, in your vacations or in your past or current jobs. What is it that gave you a buzz? What activities have you done where time passed without you even noticing? This is likely to be where your natural strengths lie. Ask your friends and colleagues what they think you are good at. There are probably no surprises, but it's good to find out what others think are your skills and attributes. What did you dream about doing when you were a child? If you are not doing that now, what aspects of being an astronaut, professional footballer, model, teacher or doctor etc etc appealed to you? Think about what you'd like to be doing in 5 and 10 years' time. Working on your own or as part of a team? What sort of organisation (and which specific companies/organisations) do you want to work for? What type of work would you like to be doing? At home or abroad? At a desk or not? What do you like about what you do now? What would you like to be different? Let's go to the end of your working life now… Imagine you are at your own retirement party. People are talking about what you achieved in your career and what they admired and will miss you for. What would you like them to be saying? What skills do you have that you are not using and would like to? They may be writing skills that you used on your college magazine or being captain of the school hockey team. Seek out opportunities to put them into practice now. Look at job ads – in newspapers, journals and on websites. Cut out or print off job ads that interest you, that you aspire to or that you are curious about. Which organisations appeal and why? Highlight the words that are most appealing. Keep them in a special folder and every month or so, take them out, review them and write a list of the highlighted words. What are the common themes? What of the common themes you identify are you doing now? What do you need to do to be able to fulfil the requirements of those ads in the future? Who do you know? Who can help you get to where you want to be? Talk to as many people as possible about what they do and what they love about it. Ask them how they got the career development they wanted or if you could shadow them for a day to find out how they do what they do. Most people are flattered to be asked and are only too happy to help. Find someone who is doing the job you aspire to or working in an organisation you'd like to work for and ask them if they would mentor you. If you don't know someone, ask your family, friends and contacts if they do – remember the 6 degrees of separation. Grasp opportunities with both hands. My big breaks in corporate life came at times when I was facing big challenges in my personal life – a new parent returning to work and separating from my partner. I really doubted whether I could manage the jobs that were on offer given the other life challenges I was facing, but what I realised was that if I passed up those opportunities, they might not be there again. It was tough at first, but they were two of the best career decisions I took. What does your boss do that you could do for them? Observe your boss in action. What does he or she spend their time doing? Are there regular activities that they engage in that you would like to try and that would save them time and energy? If so, suggest that you do it for them. Finding the right job takes time and effort. Put the time and effort in and it will pay off. Write down the answers to these questions and keep referring to them. Find a coach and explore your future career aspirations with them. One thing is certain – if you know where you are going you are much more likely to get there. If you set off from home without knowing where you were headed you would drive around aimlessly. So it is with your career. Be clear about what you want and you will get it. Hilary Jeanes is a coach, facilitator and HR consultant. She is fascinated by people and loves supporting them to reach their potential. Visit her website at Purple Line Consulting. You can read another article of hers here.

“Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out.” Karl Augustus Menninger “The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear.” Mahatma Gandhi What is holding you back? Whatever you answer, it will in many cases boil down to fear in some form. Now, fear can be useful to keep yourself alive. But many times, especially if you live a life where you have the possibility to reading these words, fear is just a big obstacle in your path. But what can you do about fear? How can you overcome it? In this article I'd like to explore a few of the timeless things that people have learned about that throughout the last few thousands of years. 1. Face your fear to become stronger. “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” Frank Herbert “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” Eleanor Roosevelt Every time you face a fear you gain the 3 important qualities that Eleanor Roosevelt mentions above. And the next thing that comes along will be easier to handle. And if you have to handle a big fear, whatever it may be, and later realise you actually survived it, many things in life you may have feared previously seems to shrink. Those fears become smaller. They might even disappear. You might think to yourself that what you thought was a fear before wasn't that much to be afraid of at all. Everything is relative. And every triumph, problem, fear and experience becomes bigger or smaller depending to what you compare it to. But to gain a wider perspective of human experience and grow you really have to step up and face your fear. 2. Facing your fear can be surprisingly anticlimactic. “When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.” Ralph Waldo Emerson This is perhaps my favourite quote about fear. From a distance and in you mind things may seem very difficult and frightening. But when you actually step up and take action I think many of us have been surprised of how the beard of that bully just comes off. Why? Let's move on to the next tip… 3. Take action and get busy. “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” Dale Carnegie “Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.” Swedish proverb You can't sit around think and waiting for courage and confidence to come knocking on the door. If you do, you may just experience the opposite effect. The more you think, the more fear you build within. We often build scary monsters in our heads. Maybe because of things we have learned from the news, the TV or the movies. Or we just think so much about something that our minds start to create totally unlikely horror scenarios of what may happen. As you may have noticed in your own life, 80-90 percent of what we worry about never really comes into reality. Instead things can become anticlimactic when we take action. The beard of the bully comes off surprisingly easy if we just step up and take action. And many times we get the courage we need after we have done what we feared. Not the other way around. 4. Fear is often based on unhelpful interpretation. “Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.” Unknown As humans we like to look for patterns. The problem is just that we often find negative and not so helpful patterns in our lives based on just one or two experiences. Or by misjudging situations. Or through some silly miscommunication. When you get too identified with your thoughts you'll believe anything they tell you. A more helpful practise may be to not take your thoughts too seriously. A lot of the time they and your memory are pretty inaccurate. But this is a good thing too. Because it opens you up to re-examining old beliefs you have based on experiences you may have interpreted in not the most helpful way. It opens you up to try again and see what happens this time instead of staying stuck in thought, inaction and fear. 5. Don't cling to your illusion of safety. “Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold. Helen Keller “Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Helen Keller Why do people sit on their hands? Is it just because they become paralyzed with fear? I'd say no. Another big reason why people don't face their fears is because they think they are safe where they are right now. But the truth is what Keller says; safety is mostly a superstition. It is created in your mind to make you feel safe. But there is no safety out there really. It is all uncertain and unknown. You may get laid off. Someone may break up with you and leave. Illness will probably strike. Death will certainly strike in your surroundings and at some point come to visit you too. Who knows what will happen? This superstition of safety is not just something negative. It's also created by your mind so you can function in life. No point in going all paranoid about what could happen a minute from now day in and day out. But there is also not that much point in clinging to an illusion of safety. So you need to find balance where you don't obsessed by the uncertainty but also recognize that it is there and live accordingly. As you stop clinging to your safety life also becomes a whole lot more exciting and interesting. You are no longer as confined by an illusion and realize that you set your limits for what you can do and to a large extent create your own freedom in the world. You are no longer building walls to keep yourself safe as those walls wouldn't protect you anyway. 6. Be curious. “Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will.” James Stephens When you are stuck in fear you are closed up. You tend to create division in your world and mind. You create barriers between you and other things/people. Curiosity on the other hand is filled with anticipation and enthusiasm. It opens you up. And when you are open and enthusiastic then you have more fun things to think about than focusing on your fear. Curiousness also opens you up to gain understanding of something. And with understanding vague, fog-like fears disappears. The emotions you experience are often as a result of what you focus your mind on. Change what you focus on about something and you can change your emotions about that thing. How do you become more curious? One way is to remember how life has become more fun in the past thanks to your curiosity and to remember all the cool things it helped to discover and experience. And then to work at it. Curiosity is a habit. The more curious you are the more curious you become. And over time it becomes more of a natural part of you. 7. Remove separation. Remove fear. “Who sees all beings in his own self, and his own self in all beings, loses all fear.” Isa Upanishad, Hindu Scripture The ego wants to divide your world. It wants to create barriers, separation and loves to play the comparison game. The game where people are different compare to you, the game where you are better than someone and worse than someone else. All of that creates fear. Doing the opposite removes fear. That there is no real separation between beings, that we are one and the same, might sound a bit corny. But one thought you may want to try for a day is that everyone you meet is your friend. Another one is to see what parts of yourself you can see in someone you meet. And what parts of yourself you can see in him/her. There is often an underlying frame of mind in interactions. Either it asks us how we are different to this person. Or how we are the same as this person. The first frame is based in how the ego likes to judge people and create separation to strengthen itself (either through feeling better or more like a victim). The second one creates warmth, an openness and curiosity within. There is no place to focus on fear or judgement anymore. This is of course not easy, especially if you have held the first frame of mind for many years. But you can get insight into this by doing the rest of the things above. As you face your fears the barriers and separation you have built in your mind decreases. You come closer and feel more of a connection to other people. With action, curiousness and understanding we come closer to each other. We gain a greater understanding of ourselves and others. And so it becomes easier to see them in you. And you in them.

Note: This is a guest post by Ari Koinuma of OurBestVersion.com. I often take my kids to play in a sand-pit near our home. Both my 4-year-old girl and 19-month-old boy love playing in sand. And sometimes I join them. It's such a bliss. I highly recommend it if you haven't done it recently. Simple acts like digging a hole in sand has a very soothing, relaxing effect. Like going back to a time when I didn't have responsibilities. No need to perform, please or prove. Scarcity of Unconditional Love Childhood bliss is, unfortunately, something many of us don't experience — and even if we do, don't experience it fully enough. Imagine a baby cuddled in mother's arms. You just exist, and your parents love you. You may not understand their words, but you get the message from their touches, their smiles, the tone in their voice. They tell you: we are glad you were born. Unconditional love is a birthright. It's the builder of our foundation, the ground on which the rest of our psyche is built. But many (or most?) of us are given the gift of compromised foundation. You may not recognize it as such in your day-to-day struggles. But consider these common symptoms: Chronic, mysterious and/or incurable health conditions (migraine, skin rashes, perpetual history of getting sick or injured one way or another) Difficulty trusting other people Insecurity/inadequacy Scarcity mentality Dependency (substance, food, approval of peer/parent/boss) Virtually all big and deep personal problems can be traced back to your foundation: your right to exist. And unconditional love is the only true cure for the problem. There are many fixes for any and all of the problems listed above, individually. But since all the problems stem from your lack of trust in your existence, fixing your foundation will solve or cure all the other symptoms that come from it. Where Can We Find Unconditional Love? But unconditional love is an elusive commodity. If parents weren't available or able to give it to you abundantly, who can? Religious institutions claim to, though they are full of moral codes you have to fit into. Spouses, maybe, but romantic love isn't the same as unconditional/parental love. You may believe that a god or a “higher being” can provide it, but on the condition that you have to believe in such thing and have your spiritual antenna developed enough to really experience that love. It's not available to atheists, is it? Is there any place in this world that everyone can turn to, a reliable source for our deep crave for unconditional love? Yes. You. You can love yourself unconditionally. Even if you didn't experience enough of it the first time around, you can always do so today. How? You may ask. I've never, ever really received it — how can I give myself which I didn't receive? It's simple. You re-live your babyhood. Except this time, you play both roles — the baby and the parent. 5 Practical Ways to Self-Produce Unconditional Love I put the list more or less in the order of potency. Visualization. In your mind, imagine your mother (or father or a caregiver) holding the baby you. With a big smile, she holds you gently and tell you over and over, “I'm so glad you were born.” You can write it down or verbally describe it, for aiding your visualization and for greater impact. This is the easiest method, though least potent and impossible to do if you can't remember experiencing unconditional love, ever. Drawing. You can use any material, but I recommend you at least invest in a sketch book and a decent set of oil pastels. You can draw the above scene literally, or you can draw more abstractly by intuitively splashing, lines, shapes and colors. If your hurt is coming out, you may draw ugly, painful pictures — allow yourself to do so. Just keep drawing until you get to a point where you can start drawing what your heart desires. You'll get there once you spill out enough of your hurt. Playing. This is where the sand pit comes in — once in my therapy session, my therapist had me play in the sand. Another time, she had me use a pile of dolls and figures to describe how I was feeling. I remember picking one figure for myself and placing everything else in a big circle facing me, surrounding — to express that I felt like the whole world was against me. Again, after pouring out your hurt, you'll get to a point where you start expressing your unconditional love for yourself. Role-playing. You can get a doll (there are ones that specifically designed for therapeutic purposes, though anything will do) and you hold it in your arms, and physically carry out the acts described in #1. Be sure to call it your name and tell him/her “I'm glad you were born.” Alternatively, if you have a willing spouse or a trusted friend, you can enact this where you really get to be on the receiving end. Caring a child. I obviously don't recommend becoming a parent for the sole purpose of healing yourself, but this is actually what takes place among parents: a chance to re-do their own life. We parents all project ourselves to our children to some extent. Raise your baby and shower him/her with abundant unconditional love. Alternatively, you can baby sit someone else's baby and do this, if you don't want your own child but want to try out this most powerful method. As you try out these exercise, you'll experience a powerful sensation of relief and relaxation. If your scar is deep, you may feel the hurt coming out first — and you need to allow it. But be sure to incorporate the central message: you are telling the baby — yourself — that you are glad you were born. This the most fundamental message of unconditional love. For most of us, this is not a one-time healing session. It's an on-going process. When you have a need to heal, life tends to create opportunities for you to do so — by creating situations where you encounter your brokenness. Each time you feel anxious, worried, or scared, take the time to engage in these exercises. Over time, you'll notice that your inner peace becomes less and less affected by life events. An effective psychotherapist can mentor and guide you in this process, especially if your hurt is deep. But don't underestimate, don't misunderstand that you are healing yourself. Therapists and other healing arts are simply helping you use your own healing power. My Personal Healing I have personally used all 5 methods at one time or another in my healing process. I used to have this paralyzing fear of people getting mad at me, or being blamed for my mistakes. When such a situation occurred, my head would “blank out” with fear — I was so overwhelmed by sheer terror that I couldn't think. I had an unnatural drive to be blameless, or at least appear to be infallible. Whenever I was under stress, my defence mechanism was to cover my tracks so I had no visible failures. After years of living with my fear, I finally submitted myself to therapy. I enjoyed my therapy sessions. I had two sketchbooks full of my pastel drawings, and piles of journals. But my catalyst was when my daughter was born. At that very moment, I felt my capacity for unconditional love truly awaken. It has been the most transformational healing experience. As I poured my heart into taking care of her, and now my toddler son, I observed my own foundation become more solid. Nowadays, those panic attacks are a thing of past. Sure, my heart would still pound faster when people get mad at me (which doesn't happen as often as it used to) or if I make a mistake and other people notice it. But nothing out of ordinary. I don't feel threatened, nor live in fear of such situations. Concluding Thoughts If you experience abundance of unconditional love, your life will be peaceful. By that, I don't mean quiet, slow or serene — it's just that you'll spend little time feeling threatened, afraid, and insecure. There's nothing to prove, no need to argue. Wars will end and crimes will diminish. Sounds idealistic? Yes, it can certainly appear so, until you actually experience this healing and transformation. The security becomes so strong and stable that you just simply lose room in your heart for things like desperation and aggression. Regardless of your childhood experience or your relationship with your parents, don't begrudge them. It may be hard to feel grateful for getting hurt, but once you experience the healing, you'll realize what an amazing transformation it is. People who were uncompromised may not realize what they have. But you won't take it for granted. You'll be grateful and will feel excited to tell other hurt souls that healing is possible. The above 5 methods are the ones that worked for me. What other methods can produce unconditional love to you? When have you experienced unconditional love's healing power? Please share your stories, so that we can tell the world that it is possible to heal and that opportunity is available to everyone. Ari Koinuma writes on the theme of “Bic Picture of Healing and Growth: from Depression to Self Actualization” at his site, OurBestVersion.com. If you enjoyed this entry, check out his thorough analysis of self-esteem and his personal story of how he used the method described above to heal himself.

“I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps.” Mahatma Gandhi Many people have heroes in their lives. Heroes can be helpful to get inspiration and they can provide you with valuable information if they have already walked the path you are on. But there are also a few downsides with having heroes. Or at least with putting them on too high of a pedestal. Something I think is pretty common and can be helpful at first. But, as you move forward it can become an obstacle for you. Here are four reasons to be careful with your heroes. 1. They might not live up to your image of them. It can be very hard to really see a person. This is probably especially true with someone you hold up as a hero. But people aren't an idealized images in your head. No one is Superman or Wonder Woman. This can lead to disappointment. You may feel betrayed. Your unreal expectations might damage that relationship, no matter what kind of relationship it is. You may even abandon people when they don't act as you wanted them to. When they don't live to the image in your head. I think it's important to remember that we are all human and prone to make mistakes. Holding people to unreasonable standards will only create more unnecessary conflicts in your world and negativity within you. 2. It can make you feel like you are not worthy. When you start to make myths out of people – even though they may have produced extraordinary results – you run the risk of becoming disconnected from them. You can start to feel like you could never achieve similar things that they did because they are so very different. You won't feel worthy to do so. And so you'll hinder or self-sabotage to keep yourself in line with your own expectations and self-image. Understanding that everyone is human can open you up to your own potential. 3. It can make it harder to connect to people. When you have some heroes you are likely to think more about the opposite too. And place people into neat and tidy folders. You may create villain-like images of people in your world. But in truth, things can be kinda messy. Putting someone on a pedestal or making a villain out of them create barriers in your head and life. It may give you a sense of being right. But it can hold you back from positive experiences too. Openness is more fun than judgement. 4. You may develop tunnel vision. If you get too attached to one hero, you may believe all s/he says. Everyone has flaws and blindspots though. What your hero tells you might not be the best fit for you, even though it may be for him/her. So take inspiration and knowledge from many sources and people. Go out and experiment and see what you like. I'm not saying that any of this is easy. But to keep these pointers in mind, remembering to relax and that people are mostly just people can be very useful.

Note: This is a guestpost by Claire Askew of One Night Stanzas. The space you work in is important. It doesn't matter if it's your living room, a six-foot-square cubicle, or a corner office-suite; the space you work in makes a massive difference to the work you're doing. It can affect the creativity and quality of your work, and it can even affect the time it takes you to do it. We've all had days where we can't string two thoughts together coherently, and can't figure out why. Well, it's highly possible that the workspace you've carved out for yourself is a contributing factor. Check out this list and see if you can't turn your place of work into a more productive environment… 1: Tidy up. There's an old saying – which you've doubtless seen on fridge-magnets the world over – that dull people have tidy houses. Maybe that's true, but tidy people get the last laugh here. If you're a naturally messy person, you're probably less productive than your tidy colleagues. Think of the times you've searched frantically through a totally un-ordered pile of papers looking for a particular document. Think of the times you've needed to email something out, only to find that it's lost somewhere in the depths of your hard drive. Had you been a natural tidy-freak, you'd have found what you needed within seconds, and your task would have been completed much faster. Tidiness doesn't just add speed. It also removes some of the small stresses that come with having a job to do. You may not realise it, but the mess all over your desk is distracting the heck out of you every time you look away from your computer screen. Thoughts like “I should rinse out that coffee cup” or “that's where my stapler went” can totally de-rail you from the task in hand. If you have a massive pile of papers teetering on the edge of your desk, it's only a matter of time before you knock them over – and mark my words, it'll happen in the middle of a crucial phone-call, or while you're video-conferencing with a client. And of course, a messy workspace is never going to endear you to your boss or a new customer, so knuckle down and tidy up. Block out a day in your planner and spend it sorting, restocking, filing, binning and recycling. Get your workspace in good order, and then invest five or ten minutes per day keeping it that way. I promise it's worth it. 2: Change the furniture. Now, you may not be a believer in feng shui, but sometimes the arrangement of your workspace furniture can make a massive difference to your productivity. Maybe the sun shines onto your computer screen at certain times, making it hard for you to read. Maybe your desk chair is too high for your legs to sit comfortably under the desk. Maybe you're close to the water-cooler and always have people coming and going right next to you. Chances are, these things have never fully registered with you, but they're potentially impacting on your work. Something as simple as adjusting the height of your chair, or having a word with your boss about shifting your desk, can make a huge difference. Sit in your workspace and look around you. Pay attention to anything you think might be distracting. Are you facing a door? If people are coming into the office all the time, chances are you're subconsciously looking up every few moments to see who's there. Is your desk littered with snapshots? If so, your mind may not be 100% on the job. Being next to a window overlooking the car park is problematic – seeing your colleagues going home early on a Friday afternoon is guaranteed to put you off your work for the rest of the day. Think – are you physically comfortable, even at the end of the day? If not, what's the problem – your chair, the height of your desk, an unruly keyboard? If you find that there are issues you can't change yourself – e.g., having the water-cooler at your elbow – then voice your concerns to your boss. If you explain that you think the situation is affecting your ability to work, chances are they'll act quickly to change it. 3: Surround yourself with inspiration, not distraction. You don't have to get rid of every surplus or scrap of decoration, however. What you really need to do is turn distraction into inspiration – to surround yourself with things that gear you up to being creative. Everyone likes to brighten up their workspace, but having eye-catching photographs and images in front of you 24/7 is asking for trouble. Rather than lining up family photos or holiday snaps next to your computer, grab yourself a photo album and spend an evening sticking your pictures inside. Keep the album in a desk drawer, and when you're feeling burned out, take five minutes to flick through the pages. This can provide a welcome break and stops you from just staring into space when a creative block strikes. Another thing you can do is always keep your pin-board in the present. Many people still have things hanging on the wall that have been there since they started their job. Post-its are great things, but if you have a million stuck all over your desk and covered in scribbles, I'm guessing you're not using them to their full potential! Look around your office and remove anything that's in your line of sight that you know you won't need or look at anymore. Anything you don't need now but might need in the future, file. Only keep the things you use right now on display. Think about how to display them. Got a heap of post-its hanging around, each reminding you of a task you need to complete? Compile them into an easy-to-read to-do' list instead. 4: Change colour. We've all read about colour being an important factor when it comes to creating mood. And of course, you'd carefully consider any colour for a room in your house – so why not for your workspace? Most offices like to keep colours neutral, with white, beige and grey as sure-fire favourites. Grey is not a good colour for anyone – it's boring, depressing and it's perhaps the least creative shade in the spectrum, with beige not far behind. White can be relaxing, but not very stimulating, so if your workspace has been sapped of colour, it's time to make some changes. If you have a great boss, sit down with them and discuss the colour issue. You may feel nuts doing it, but if your boss values productivity and creative output, they should be willing to listen. Do some research on colour psychology, and find out what colours stimulate and inspire.Produce your findings and make some suggestions for changes to your space. Look around for the blank spaces in your office and suggest putting simple, vibrant art pieces into these gaps, or put forward the possibility of painting one wall with a vibrant hue – whatever you think works in the space. If you work from home or don't think you can approach your boss, customise your corner with a colourful painting, or pin coloured paper onto your pin-board to make a brighter background. Pick up some coloured post-its and trade in your cardboard-cover notebook for something a bit more snazzy. Brighten up your space, and it may well benefit your work. 5: Beat the clock. Watching the clock is guaranteed to kill your creativity, particularly when you feel like you're at a low ebb to start with. The old saying “a watched pot never boils” rings true here – the more often you glance up at the clock, the slower time will seem to go. So take action. Get rid of your wall-clock or desk-clock. If you sit in a position where you can see the office wall-clock, or the personal clock of a co-worker, ask about getting it moved, or move yourself. Yes, people may think you're weird, but yet again, if you're going to be working better for it, it's worth it. Leave your watch at home, and put a screensaver on your mobile phone. Don't let yourself even think about how many hours, minutes and seconds you have left before you can stop working. Instead, set yourself other deadlines. Look at the letter you need to write, or the pile of files you need to sort. Tell yourself “when I've written 300 words, I can take a break,” or “once I've sorted A – G, I'll go grab a coffee.” That way, you're not constantly looking at the clock thinking “only ten more minutes, only nine and a half more minutes, only eight and a quarter more minutes,” etc. Instead, you're doing something productive. And chances are, you're doing it quickly and efficiently, because you know that when you're done, you can reward yourself with a little downtime! Claire Askew blogs at One Night Stanzas, a creative writing/personal development blog for young and emerging writers. She is also editor-in-chief of Read This, a monthly arts magazine currently on its tenth issue. Claire is a semi-professional poet and her work has won four major Scottish literary awards to date, and been published in numerous literary journals in the UK and elsewhere. She works part-time as a tutor for 11 – 18 year olds, teaching English, Creative Writing and Drama. Claire currently lives in Edinburgh, Scotland with her partner, artist and web-developer Leon Crosby. You can also check out these articles by Claire: – 10 Commandments: What to avoid when sending your work to magazines – The Importance of the Cover-Letter

When you talk you aren't just communicating with your words. In fact, you are communicating with your whole body. According to research done by Albert Mehrabian, currently Professor Emeritus of psychology at UCLA, words are only 7 percent of your communication. The rest is your voice tonality (38 percent) and your body language at 55 percent. These numbers may vary depending upon the topic, situation and how something is communicated (for instance, talking over the phone is obviously different from talking face to face) but body language is still a very important part of communication. Three good reasons to improve your body language: Improve your communication skills. If you improve your body language you can get your thoughts across in a more effective way. You can create a connection to another person more easily. When using more powerful and appropriately balanced body language your communication skills become better and more focused. Emotions are linked to your body language. Emotions work backwards too. If you feel good you'll smile. If you force yourself to smile you'll feel good too. If you feel tired or down you might sit slumped down. If you sit slumped down you'll feel more tired and negative. Just try to sit straight up for 5 minutes and feel the difference in energy from half-lying in your chair. Increase your attractiveness. It's not what you say, it's how you say it. A better posture and a more enthusiastic and focused body language will make anyone more attractive. And not just in a sexual way but also when talking to new friends or in job interviews and business meetings. These 7 common body language mistakes is a mix of deeper things that control our body language. And a few tips where you manually correct and stop reinforcing certain old habits. 1. Not keeping your emotions and focus in the right place. It seems to me like the biggest part of your body language is how you feel. When you feel open, positive and confident that will come through in your body language. You'll smile and laugh more and gesture confidently and openly. So to improve your body language in a consistent way in your day to day life the major part consists of improving your life. For example to sleep enough, to eat right, to work out and to get the things you want to get done handled. When you live the life you want to live, when are going about your daily life being your “best self” then you tend to feel good or great. And that comes through in your body language. As expected, no quick fixes will solve your problem. They can help though. You can for instance change how you feel temporarily and then build on that feeling by acting as you would like to feel. Once example would be to take kind actions towards someone even though you might feel envious. And then build on that kind feeling your kind action generates. Here are few more ways to quickly change how you feel and a few tips on how to turn a bad day around to a good one. 2. Becoming too self-conscious. To keep your feelings, thoughts and body language in the right place or to make a change you need to monitor yourself. However, over-doing it will quickly turn your ambitions into feeling self-conscious and nervous. If your inner dialogue goes “Am I doing it right? Am I sitting right? Am I walking too slow? Or too fast?” then you are feeling worried and anxious. That comes through in your body language. So you need to learn to check your feelings/thoughts or the part of your body language you want to change once in a while. And learn to not let this desire to change spiral out of control into babbling thought patterns in your head that just go around and around and make you feel bad. More on this in the next section. 3. Taking yourself or life too seriously. Generally, taking yourself or things too seriously isn't a great idea for several reasons. It can cause you to get offended and angry or resentful for the smallest negative thing someone says or does. It can make it hard for you to let things go and instead you let them fester. It can make tasks a whole lot harder to get done as you might see everyday life as a bitter struggle. It can help you reinforce and strengthen victim thinking. This isn't good for your interactions. And it isn't good for your body language as your negative feelings will come through to others. It's also not a helpful attitude to have if you want to change your body language as it can make you take this challenge all too seriously. That can cause you to get upset with yourself when you make a mistake. And make you think so much about the challenge that your thoughts get stuck in self-conscious loops. A few tips for adopting a lighter attitude towards yourself and life are to not identify so much with your thoughts and emotions, to realize that you are not you ego and to develop an abundance mentality. 4. Moving too fast and fidgety. If you move too fast you can feel stressed. The stress can then reinforce how fast you move. Or make you more fidgety. Moving fast and fidgeting around can make people around you feel stressed, nervous, distracted and uncomfortable. Shaking your leg while seated or tapping your fingers against the table rapidly are two fidgety habits. Touching your face a lot is another one. Instead of fidgeting with your hands and scratching your face you can use them to communicate what you are trying to say. Use your hands to describe something or to add weight to a point you are trying to make. But don't use them to much or it might become distracting. And don't let your hands flail around, use them with some control. If you have a tick or feel fidgety then learning to relax more can help you out. You can, for instance, become more relaxed by just moving slower. This will also make you seem more calm and confident. Or you can weed out your habit of touching your face simply by keeping it in mind and avoiding it. There might also be larger issues in your life that you need to resolve to decrease or remove your bad habit. 5. Not keeping your posture in mind. From time to time that is. You shouldn't make mistake #2 and getting obsessed with it. Sitting or standing up straight in a relaxed manner with your head up has a few benefits: It creates positive emotions such as alertness and feeling focused. It can help you with first impressions as it makes you seem more interesting/attractive. It can sometimes help you avoid pain in your back, shoulders etc. 6. Closing up. Being open and conveying that you are open is one of the most important parts of communication. If you start to close up or walk into an interaction closed up then it will be hard to establish a genuine connection. If you feel a bit wary and closed up inside then it will not only stop you from being open. It will also keep you from relaxing, smiling and laughing and having fun. A few common ways to close up is to: Cross your arms and/or legs. You have probably already heard you shouldn't cross your arms as it might make you seem defensive or guarded. This goes for your legs too. Keep your arms and legs open. Taking up space by for example sitting or standing with your legs apart a bit signals self-confidence and that you are comfortable in your own skin. Not keeping eye contact. If there are several people you are talking to, give them all some eye contact to create a better connection and see if they are listening. Keeping too much eye-contact might creep people out. Giving no eye-contact might make you seem insecure. If you are not used to keeping eye-contact it might feel a little hard or scary in the beginning but keep working on it and you'll get used to it. Hold your drink at your chest. Don't hold your drink in front of your chest. In fact, don't hold anything in front of your heart as it will make you seem guarded and distant. Lower it and hold it beside your leg instead. Closing up often comes from feeling nervous or insecure. You may in some way perceive the people you are meeting as a threat. Perhaps you're afraid that they will mock you, not like you or that you will make a fool of yourself in some way. A few tips to a shake these thoughts and feelings out of yourself is to: Belly breathe. This is one of my favourite tips to make myself feel more relaxed and calm in just a minute or two. Assume rapport. Just before a meeting, you just think that you'll be meeting a good friend. Then you'll naturally slip into a more comfortable, confident and enjoyable emotional state and frame of mind. This also helps you and the other people to set a good frame for the interaction. A frame is always set at the start of an interaction. It might be a nervous and stiff frame, a formal and let's-get-to-the-point kind of frame or perhaps a super relaxed one. The thing is that the frame that is set in the beginning of the conversation is often one that may stay on for a while. First impressions last. With some practise – to remove inner resistance towards this idea and get you to feel more like you know what you're doing – you may become pretty surprised at how effective assuming rapport is. I was. Experiment. Have a look at a few more ways to handle nervousness. And a few tips for putting a stop to anxiety. Try a few of them plus the ones above to find which one(s) fit you the best. 7. Holding yourself back. So, let's say you know most of the things above already. It isn't exactly rocket science. So why are you still not using those tips – or tips from somewhere else – to change and experiment with how you communicate? One big reason may be that you are holding yourself back. You may hold yourself back from becoming more expressive over all or, for instance, with your hands. Or you may hold yourself back completely from taking up more space or making more eye-contact. Holding yourself back may be because of a few different reasons. The most common one is probably the one already described in the previous mistake: a fear of what others may think, say or do. Yes, people may react negatively. And yes, you might exaggerate your body language a bit too much at first by for instance sitting with your legs almost ridiculously far apart. However, people aren't looking at you as much as you may think. They are like you. They have their own stuff to think and worry about. If you experiment with your body language, then sure, you might seem a little strange sometimes. But most of the time people will probably not even notice that you have changed something. They aren't standing around watching your every move all day long. Also, keep in mind that if you for example are normally not that expressive then what might feel weird to you isn't necessarily that weird to others. It's just you comparing the old way to the new way in your own head. It's just you getting used to being more expressive. If you change your body language for the better, most people will only react in a more positive way towards you. Because as mentioned in mistake #1, how you live your life and how you feel comes through in your body language. And if you feel great then that comes through. And emotions are contagious. So now, people you interact with feel better too. And just about everyone wants to feel positive emotions. So, yeah, you may look like fool a few times if want to change. But that's OK. It's a lot better than going around all of your life and holding yourself back. And if you don't take yourself and life too seriously – mistake #3 – then your fear of looking like a fool and being rejected in some way will decrease.

“Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean again.” Dag Hammarskjold “To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” Robert Muller Forgiveness. One of those things many of us struggle with from time to time. But why should we forgive? And how can we go about it? Here are a few timeless thoughts on forgiveness. I hope you'll find something useful. 1. Forgiveness sets you free. “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” Catherine Ponder I think this is a great point and one of the best reasons I have found to forgive. It's easy to get wrapped up in thinking that forgiveness is just about something you “should do”. But forgiving can in a practical way be extremely beneficial for you. As long as you don't forgive someone you are linked to that person. Your thoughts will return to the person who wronged you and what s/he did over and over again. The emotional link between the two of you is so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil – most often in other people around you too. When you forgive you do not only release the other person. You set yourself free too from all of that agony. 2. Forgive yourself. “The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbour as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves.” Eric Hoffer What you think and feel about other people is pretty much what you think and feel about yourself. This is not something that may always be obvious. But we do tend to judge and think about people as we think about ourselves. A person who, for instance, is very critical of others tends to, deep down, be very critical of him/herself. So how do you get better at forgiving others? You can start by forgiving yourself. Because when you start to forgive yourself you get some practise with forgiveness and you also realise how good it feels. You open up to how forgiveness can improve your life and lives of the people around you. By forgiving yourself – instead of resenting yourself for something you did a week or 10 years ago – you make this habit more and more of a natural part of you. And so forgiving others becomes easier too. Also, what you think is a question of forgiving others you may sometimes – after some time and inner struggle – discover is just as much, if not more, about forgiving yourself rather than the other person. 3. Remember to forgive everyone. “We read that we ought to forgive our enemies; but we do not read that we ought to forgive our friends.” Sir. Francis Bacon It's often pretty easy to see the obvious people to forgive. People who have done something terrible or someone you don't get along with at all. It's sometimes hard to see that you should forgive yourself for something. It can also be hard to remember to forgive people close to you. There might be relationships where forgiveness could resolve some vague resentment or other negativity that sometimes arises between you and another person. When you feel such emotions is can be useful to ask yourself questions like: what is unresolved here? Or just: why do I feel this way towards this person? You may get some revealing answers. They might not come the first time you ask yourself though. So keep asking a bit more. 4. When you forgive, really forgive. “Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.” Marlene Dietrich “Most of us can forgive and forget; we just don't want the other person to forget that we forgave.” Ivern Ball When you forgive, you have to really forgive. Or you will continue to wreck the relationship again and again. And yourself too. You can view forgiveness as a way to feel like you are the better person of the two of you and then hold you forgiveness over the other person whenever you feel like it to show your superiority. But it might be more helpful to view forgiveness as a way to release yourself and the other person from being trapped in the past. As a way to throw a big piece of self-inflicted suffering out the window and get on with the rest of your life in a more open and positive way. 5. Forgiveness is not a weakness. “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi It may sound like forgiveness is a way of giving up or giving in. As a way to be a weak person. While the ones not forgiving are angry, powerful and strong. Such ideas may float around in various parts of your world and society. But reality is a bit different. Not forgiving just seems to mostly eat you up inside. Your feel angry and may even wish for revenge. You replay arguments and memories over and over. While the person you are resentful of or angry at may often not even be aware of all your thoughts and feelings. And so you go on, creating suffering for yourself. Forgiving releases you from that suffering. It can also make you feel good about yourself. Doing difficult things you know deep down that you want to do tend to have that effect. 6. With forgiveness the future may become brighter than in your dreams. “Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom.” Hannah Arendt “Let us forgive each other – only then will we live in peace.” Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” Paul Boose If you look at from a very practical perspective then forgiveness is the smart thing to do. It saves you a lot of painful expenses. It makes you clearheaded again. Forgiveness centres you in the now and in yourself once again. You stop regretting what is already in the past. You stop feeding your thought loops of negativity with more energy. And now you can use that energy and focus that was previously spent strengthening those loops to start moving forward again. Forgiveness might not be pleasant or something you necessarily want to do. You might think the other person is wrong and that you are right. But sometimes you have to do it anyway. Without really forgiving moving on will be impossible. So everyone has to choose for themselves. Do you want to stay in this protected position of feeling right and superior? Do you want feel like the victim who has been wronged for the rest of your life? Or do you want make a real change in your life and world? You will have a hard time getting them both. It might not always be easy to forgive. But it has many big benefits. And personally I would be a bit wary of playing up forgiveness and what happened more than necessary. Many of our challenges – not all, of course – become so large and complicated in our heads that we build huge, monumental problems. Making mountains out of molehills is a good way to strengthen a victim mentality or feeling even more right than you did before. It's an effective way to paralyze yourself. It's not a pleasurable or an effective way to live your life and to explore your true potential.

Note: This is a guest post by Michael Miles of EffortlessAbundance.com. We live in a competitive society and are often told that to get ahead we require drive, commitment and determination, that we must expend a great amount of energy and, if necessary, use force to get what we want. A survival of the fittest mentality is deeply entrenched in our culture. Much of this thinking comes from Darwin's Origin of the Species, a work which has influenced us in the most profound and subtle ways, not least of all because it advanced the idea that competition was a natural and normal part of life, that nature was ‘red in tooth and claw.' Whatever we might think about Darwin, we do tend to see the world in these competitive terms. But there is another way of thinking. There is another way of getting things done, a way which sees nature differently and recognizes the importance of harmony, balance and living peacefully. Taoism is a philosophy which seeks to achieve great things by going with the flow. The semi-mythical figure Lao Tzu is said to have written the classic Taoist text, the Tao Te Ching. Here are six short quotations from the text which give us advice on the best way to get things done. Much is lost in translation, of course, but you will have some sense of the original. In the beginning. To see things in the seed, that is genius. If I held in my hand a collection of seeds, I would have little idea what potential lay in each one, but to a botanist, that potential would be clear – she might see an oak tree, a sycamore, an apple tree or a rose bush. We cannot know the future, but we can, with experience, see that our present actions have consequences that ripple out into time and space and shape our lives well into the future. We can see, for example, that habitual negative thinking leads to pain, failure and frustration, whereas a clear vision of where we want to go usually leads to a better life. When I look back over my life, I can see a chain of causes and effects – the actions I took had certain results which have changed my life, sometimes forever. So be careful what you think and what you do – everything has a consequence and, like the botanist looking at her seeds, seeing the potential in nascent things is an important skill to acquire. Taking your time. Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished. Can you make grass grow by pulling it? Can you bake a cake faster by turning up the temperature in the oven? Can a boy make himself grow any faster? In nature, things happen in their own way and at their own pace. Trying to make things happen faster than they do naturally often leads to disaster – the grass gets pulled out and dies, the cake gets burnt and has to be thrown away. A river rarely takes a straight course, meandering instead through the natural shape of the landscape, keeping to the lowest points, moving around mountains and hills. But the water keeps flowing powerfully and eventually reaches the sea. Like nature, our own achievements can take time, and this is no bad thing. I work in education and I have seen for myself the results of fast tracking' students through the grades and promoting them to university courses at a young age. The adults they become are often socially underdeveloped and less able to function skillfully in the complex real world: they have, in a sense, been ruined by speed. Let's learn a lesson from nature, and do things well, in their own time. The path of least resistance. By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try, the world is beyond winning. In the world there is nothing more submissive than water. It seeks the low ground and always yields to resistance. Yet water can, over many years, wear down sharp rocks into small, smooth pebbles and carve wide, deep channels through a landscape. Electricity always takes the path of least resistance,' finding the earth as easily as possible, yet the power of electricity has transformed our lives. Like a reed in the wind, if we can bend down low and yield to the pressures of life, letting go and allowing the natural course of events to shape us, we can survive and prosper. But if we refuse to yield and remain firm and upright, the world can break us. We are like a ship on the ocean: rowing against the wind is difficult and pointless. Let go and let the wind do all the work. It may take you to wondrous new shores. The only thing you can be sure of. Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. Whatever you are experiencing in life, it will disappear and something else will come along to replace it. Only one thing is certain in life – that everything changes. People who know this and tap into it, moving peacefully with the natural course of change can be very successful. Clinging to the past can be a great source of misery. The future has always been a mystery, an adventure, and always will be. But to resist it is madness – a futile exercise and an enormous waste of energy. Some things are worth fighting for of course but, like King Canut, we cannot stop the tide from coming in. Embrace change, honor and welcome it, make it your friend, and success will come near. The outcome. Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge. In the end, life is unpredictable. The wind blows as it will, and life takes us in its own direction. Despite our search for certainty and a clear vision of the future, we cannot know what the future holds for us, what new lands we shall discover when our ship has been blown across the sea. All we can do is lay the groundwork, keep a vigilant eye for danger or opportunity, and relax. When I look back on my life, one thing is clear – I could never have predicated how things have unfolded over the years; I could never have dreamed I would be in my current situation. Things have worked out well and I could not have orchestrated them any better – nature has taken care of everything. I cannot pretend to know the future, but I am sure that it won't be what I expect. The end game. People in their handlings of affairs often fail when they are about to succeed. If one remains as careful at the end as he was at the beginning, there will be no failure. In our rush to achieve something, we can sometimes ruin it right at the end. We have laid good foundations, patiently worked for success and we are almost finished when, instead of letting things run through to their natural conclusion, we rush in and spoil everything. Have you ever opened the oven door before a souffle is quite ready? It just sinks and is ruined. Sometimes we need to act quickly and decisively to avoid disaster – those who held on to their tech stocks after absurdly high prices had been reached at the peak of the dot com bubble soon discovered that waiting too long can be a bad thing. But acting too soon can be just as disastrous. When the prize is just within your grasp, be vigilant and be patient, waiting for jut the right moment to act. Abundance is our natural state of being. Taoism is not a mystical or religious teaching; it is a practical philosophy for achieving great things in the most natural way and with the least amount of effort. It is a way of making life work – this, truly, is effortless abundance! Michael Miles runs EffortlessAbundance.com. You can download his new book Thirty Days to change Your Life, for free, by visiting http://effortlessabundance.com/newsletter/

Note: This is a guest post by Christopher R. Edgar of Purpose Power Coaching. Many of us have a habit of repeatedly replaying arguments we've had with people in our minds. Our memories of past disputes never seem to fade, and we can often rerun them from beginning to end with perfect accuracy. Sometimes, we fantasize about saying different things in the argument, imagining how the other person might have responded and pondering whether different strategies might have helped us win. Usually, while rerunning these mental movies, we're either feeling angry at the person we argued with, or guilty about the incident the conflict was about. Whatever feelings we associate with the old arguments, they usually aren't particularly pleasant. Our bodies become tense and uncomfortable, responding to the mental movies as if they were present reality. Worse still, our tendency to replay old conflicts in our minds can poison our current relationships. When we're unable to stop watching mental movies of past arguments, we end up behaving in our present relationships as if those past conflicts were still happening today, and treating the people we're relating with as if they were our old opponents. This is common in intimate relationships, where we pick fights with our partners in the unconscious, irrational hope that it will help us win our old disputes against loved ones who hurt us in the past. As psychologists James M. Honeycutt and Michael E. Eidenmuller write in Attribution, Communication Behavior And Close Relationships, conflict is kept alive by reliving old arguments and imagining the next interaction such that the next encounter may become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Why We're Hooked On Mental Reruns It seems we believe, consciously or otherwise, that mentally rehashing these old disputes somehow benefits us. Perhaps, if we reexperience our anger at our old antagonist frequently and intensely enough, or come up with the right arguments to make against them, we'll somehow make them admit we were right. Or, if we're punishing ourselves for what happened, maybe if we torment ourselves enough the other person will forgive us. Of course, this makes no sense. No amount of replaying an old conflict in our heads will accomplish anything. However, that doesn't seem to stop us from doing it. In fact, although many of us realize that it doesn't help anyone to constantly relive our painful memories, we can't seem to switch the mental movies off. Some part of our minds seems dead set on winning that old argument, and convinced that running through it over and over will eventually bring it victory. How do we overcome this habit of reliving old conflicts? I'll share three techniques here that have been helpful both to me and people I've worked with. 1. Bring Your Attention Into Your Body. If you pay attention to your thoughts when you're rehashing an old argument, you'll likely notice that you aren't very conscious of how your body is feeling when the mental movie is playing. Sensations like inhaling and exhaling, the circulation of your blood and the pressure of your feet against the ground fade out of your awareness when your mind is fantasizing about past disputes. The good news is that, if you focus your attention on how your body feels, you'll draw your attention away from your painful memories and into the present. As Drs. Aggie Casey and Herbert Benson put it in Mind Your Heart: A Mind/Body Approach To Stress Management, Exercise And Nutrition For Heart Health, your mind quiets and negative thoughts fade as you focus on your body, and if you quiet the body, you can calm the mind. € I've found this works particularly well if you specifically concentrate on the feeling of your feet on the floor. While focusing your attention in this way, it may help you to visualize your thoughts about the past dispute flowing down your body, all the way from the top of your head into the ground. The thoughts then absorb into the floor and cease to trouble you. As with an electric charge, this helps you ground out the emotional energy of the old argument. As you repeat this practice, you'll begin to find it becoming automatic. Each time you find yourself about to replay an old argument, you'll find your attention immediately shifting to the solid, empowering feeling of your feet on the ground, and you'll find the noxious energy of the painful memory quickly flowing out of your body. 2. Envision Victory. It can also help you kick the habit of replaying mental movies for you to imagine what would happen if you actually won the argument you've been rehashing. Imagine you really had the opportunity to have your old antagonist in front of you again, and they admitted they were wrong and apologized for what they did or said. Or, if the incident you're rerunning is something you feel guilty about, suppose the other person completely forgave you. Now consider this question: what would that really do for you? Would it make you a wiser or stronger person? Would it make you feel more loved or accepted? As psychologists Erik A. Fisher and Steven W. Sharp aptly put this question in The Art Of Managing Everyday Conflict: Understanding Emotions And Power Struggles, What does it really mean to win? Is it . . . making the most biting comments during an argument? What have we gained from this? Recognition? Power? Respect? Who judges or decides who the winners are? If you give this question serious thought, you'll see that the other person wouldn't really do anything for you by conceding defeat. An admission of guilt by this person simply wouldn't make any lasting improvement in your life. When you recognize this, you'll likely find your mind's urge to seek victory fading away. Another illuminating question you can ask yourself is whether your opponent would make you any safer, or remove some sort of danger from your life, by admitting defeat. In my experience, many people find themselves reliving old arguments because, on some level, the idea that someone else might dislike them or think they were wrong scares them. They believe, consciously or otherwise, that if someone else is angry at them they're in danger. They fantasize about winning the argument or being forgiven, because they believe doing either might dispel the other person's anger and make them safe again. Rationally, of course, the mere fact that someone feels upset at us doesn't usually put us in danger, and thus even if they let go of their anger it wouldn't make us any safer. When we keep ourselves conscious of this, our efforts to protect ourselves by replaying our mental movies tend to subside. 3. Observe Yourself In The Scene. In an earlier article, I discussed a strategy for taking the sting out of painful memories involving adjusting the camera angle, if you will, in the mental movies you find yourself rerunning. This technique works just as well for overcoming the habit of mentally replaying old disputes. To do this exercise, start by noticing that, in the mental movie you keep watching, the camera is focused on a specific part of the scene. You may find that the camera is trained entirely on the person you were arguing with, and what they're doing, thinking and feeling. It's almost as if you aren't present in the scene at all. When your attention isn't focused on what you were thinking and feeling during the dispute, you start forgetting that your own feelings, opinions and dignity matter, and thus you start accepting wholesale what the other person said to you. When you buy into every insult, sarcastic remark or jab the other person hurled your way, the mental movie can create great pain and discomfort. You can help relieve this suffering by remembering, each time you find yourself replaying the argument, to focus the camera on you and what you're doing, thinking and feeling. Don't judge, defend or criticize yourself or anyone else who played a role in the event just give yourself your complete, compassionate attention. Turning the camera toward yourself helps you keep in mind that, no matter what happened in the incident you keep recalling, you're a human being worthy of love and respect. This helps you put what the other person did or said in perspective, and makes the argument no longer seem so threatening to your safety and sense of self. Christopher R. Edgar is a success coach certified in hypnotherapy and neuro-linguistic programming. He helps professionals transition to careers aligned with their true callings. He may be reached at Purpose Power Coaching.

“I won't predict anything historic. But nothing is impossible.” The Olympic Games are almost over and if there was one king at these games then that has to be Michael Phelps. He set one world record after another. He took home the most Gold Medals (8!) that anyone ever has at one Olympic Game. And he also has the most Olympic Gold Medals that anyone has ever won in the history of the games. Phelps has some genetic advantages, like unusual long arms plus very flexible ankles , but the mental part is still crucial. So what can we learn from Michael Phelps and his mindset? Here are five fundamentals. 1. It starts with your thoughts. “I think that everything is possible as long as you put your mind to it and you put the work and time into it. I think your mind really controls everything.” It all starts with your thoughts. They and your emotions get you to do – or not to do – things. And how you think and feel about your results and the work you have to put in determines who you are becoming and you what are achieving. How you act does also to a pretty large degree determine what you get from other people in your life. Emotions and thoughts are contagious. And you tend to get what you give, at least over time. A brilliant and beautiful expansion on this very basic idea can be found in James Allen's “As a man thinketh”. 2. Keep a steady and consistent focus. “If I want to be as successful as I want to be, I have to be thinking about it all the time.” Thinking about what you want is of course extremely important. But you also need to keep your focus there. Because you are and are becoming what you think about most of the time. If your focus starts to waver all over the place and you forget what you really want to focus on half the time or get caught up in other thoughts or emotions then things will be difficult. Much of this comes down to how reactive you are to other people and events. If you are constantly in reaction to what happens around you, you let the outside world control what you focus on. So how can you get your focus to become more like an arrow that is moving forward rather than a boat where the guy at the rudder has fallen asleep? How to train your mind to keep the focus on what you want: Practise. This gets the mind used to this new way of keeping your focus. The mind will slowly start to accept this way, inner resistance will lessen and keeping the focus where you want it becomes easier. Use your physiology and phraseology. You can use these two things to keep your emotions where you want them to be. Your emotions work backwards too. So by changing your physiology – how you sit, stand and move – to a more confident one you can feel more confident. And by using more positive words you can have a more positive frame of mind. So even if you don't feel confident or positive right now you can quickly change that by changing your movement and words. Reframing. You can use reframing – to see things in a different light – to help yourself. How do you do it? One way is to ask yourself some good questions. If you are in a “negative” situation you can reframe it by asking yourself: what is awesome about this? Or “what can I learn from this?” Use an external reminder. Written notes in highly visible places or a bracelet with an inscription can help you to keep your focus in the right place throughout your normal day. 3. Dream without limits. “You can't put a limit on anything. The more you dream, the farther you get.” Sure, there might be some genetic advantages that some have that you don't. Time can also be a factor. You may not be able to lose those 30 pounds within a month, but you can do it over a longer time span. You can – to a large degree – dream without limits and also use your own natural advantages to your benefit. Now, dreaming without limits may sound like empty self-help mumbo-jumbo. But your dreams and beliefs do to a large degree determine what you can and will allow yourself to do. As Henry Ford said in his famous quote: “If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.” In my experience this is very much true. And it comes down to if you can see what you want in your reality as something realistic and if you will allow it to be there. If you don't then you'll work against yourself. You'll feel a lot of inner resistance that manifests in different ways such as self-sabotage in subtle and not so subtle ways. 4. Accept what happens and learn from it. “A lot of new obstacles are coming, a lot of new feelings are coming, … I'm just taking it for what it is and learning from the mistakes I had this year.” Resistance is fatal to get a good performance out of yourself. And as I mentioned last Friday, acceptance can help you to remove inner resistance and get things not only done but done in a better fashion than if you are resisting and working against yourself. Acceptance is also very helpful when you make a mistake or fail. You can resist the failure/mistake and beat yourself up. This creates a lot of inner suffering and new resistance. And that makes it emotionally harder to keep going and trying since you associate mistakes and failure with so much pain. Acceptance is a more useful approach. It can help you to release yourself from slipping into old, conditioned patterns of self-hurting behaviour when something “negative” happens.You can instead see a situation such as a failure with fresh eyes. And instead of beating yourself up or feeling sorry for yourself you can see the situation in a more positive and constructive way. Like for instance by looking for the lessons or the positive stuff in your failure. One of the greatest things about acceptance is that it can give you freedom from your old behaviour patterns and “you acting as you have always done”. Failure and mistakes can – in combination with acceptance – be very helpful. Here are four reasons why: You learn. Instead of seeing failure as something horrible you can start to view it more as a learning experience. When standing in the middle of a failure, you can ask yourself questions like the ones I mentioned above in the reframing section of tip #2. Questions like: What's awesome about this situation? What can I learn from this situation? There is always one lesson or many more in what you may see as a failure. You gain experiences you could not get any other way. Ideally, you probably want to learn from other people's mistakes and failures. That's not always easy to do though. Sometimes you just have to fail on your own to learn a lesson and to gain an experience no one can relate to you in mere words. You become stronger. Every time you fail you become more accustomed to it. You get desensitized. You realize more and more that it's not the end of the world. Failing may in fact become a bit anticlimactic – just like when successfully reaching a goal – after you have spent much time building a grandiose image of it in your head. Failing can also a have an exhilarating component because even though you failed you at least took a chance. You didn't just sit on you hands doing nothing . And that took quite a bit of courage and determination. Your chances of succeeding increases. Every time you fail you can learn and increase your inner strength. So every failure can make you more and more likely to succeed. And there is probably no other way to the success you dream of without a whole bunch of failures along the way. 5. Be careful with inflating your ego or identifying too strongly with your success. “I'm the same kind of guy before all this happened.” If you let the success go to your head then it can, for one, make you an arrogant jerk. It can also make you more emotionally reactive as you inflate your ego and strongly identify with your achievements. This will feel awesome at first. But soon you may start to doubt that you are still as good as your last achievement and as awesome as everyone said you were. And so you become more reactive to criticism or having a bad day. This affects the steadiness of your focus, thoughts and emotions. And so your inner life becomes more of a rollercoaster. All of this can not only affect your relationships with other people but also your performance. This doesn't mean that you don't have a high level of confidence in yourself and your abilities. It just means that you should be careful with getting completely wrapped up in your past achievements and letting you ego inflate too a harmful size.

Note: This is a guest post by Adam Sincinski of The Study Matrix blog. To assist you with understanding the concepts, techniques and strategies outlined within this article, please download the free Study Matrix 101 pdf and utilize it as a visual reference tool to help guide you through this process. Do you ever find yourself becoming easily overwhelmed with trying to remember and manage large amounts of information? Do you struggle to remember key concepts and pieces of information that are critical to your academic, business and career success? Do you ever envy those who just seem to remember and recall information with the greatest amount of ease and without any effort? Have you ever wondered about your potential to develop a photographic memory? Have you ever considered that Mind Mapping might actually be the solution you have been searching for all this time? The concept of Mind Mapping has been floating around the education sector for quite some time now. First popularized by Tony Buzan several decades ago, it has since grown in stature mainly within academic circles. Originally utilized as a means of making sense of large fragments of information, it has since been adapted and applied into many industries and fields of endeavor. This article will provide you with a quick introduction to an advanced process of Mind Mapping that will help you accelerate your learning ability by improving and enhancing your photographic memory and recall of information. The instructions and guidelines presented here will essentially take you through the step-by-step process of creation and learning that goes into a concept known as a Study Matrix. What is a Study Matrix? A Study Matrix is essentially a combination of 3 key mapping techniques that have been utilized throughout the academic and business world in a variety of ways to manage and make sense of processes and large fragments of information. These 3 techniques include: Mind Mapping – is a diagram with a central topic or image that branches out from its middle into related concepts and ideas that break the topic down into its smaller parts. It is essentially used to structure, classify, visualize, and generate ideas for organization, problem solving, decision making and for study purposes. Concept Mapping – is a diagram that shows the interlocking relationships between a variety of different concepts and ideas utilizing intersecting arrows and labels. Flowcharting – is essentially a schematic representation of a process. What are the Benefits of Learning from a Study Matrix? The Study Matrix technique of accelerated learning is very organic in nature and naturally mimics our brain's capacity to think, remember and recall information. By teaching yourself how to design your own Study Matrix's will provide you with the ability to create vivid learning aids that will dramatically improve your methods and strategies of managing large fragments of information. Here is a look at some other benefits you will derive from taking the time to effectively incorporate this technique into your daily information management habits: It summarizes the most important information clearly and concisely making it easy to reference and learn from. It summarizes only the most critical, important and relevant facts that are applicable to the topic under study. It naturally helps to create links and associations within the brain to related concepts and ideas that are necessary and required to master the subject you are learning. It can accelerate your speed of learning, thusly reducing the amount of time you spend on your studies. It can accelerate your recall of information during examinations by up to 500%. It encourages ease of learning and the creative flow of new ideas and insights. It makes learning more fun and entertaining. It encourages the development of photographic memory and recall of key concepts and ideas presented within the Study Matrix. It improves focus, concentration and encourages us to learn information in manageable chunks. Next, we will begin breaking down each of the parts that go into the formation of a Study Matrix. Every component that will be discussed is an essential piece of the Study Matrix that is critical to the entire structure – just as much as a kidney is essential to the balance and health of a body. Pathways – The Branches that Interlock the Disconnected Parts Pathways are the organic-like lines and arrows that interlock and connect all the different segments of a Study Matrix. Their purpose is to link concepts, words, phrases and ideas in an associative manner that improves memory and recall of information. They are organic in nature (smooth branch like structures) because this naturally mimics the brain's neurological tendencies and processes of thinking. They are also purposefully “unbroken” in their design, thusly allowing your eyes to glide smoothly from one piece of information to another as you read the Study Matrix. A Study Matrix utilizes 3 alternating pathway structures for different purposes: Lines – Connect words and phrases within a hierarchical tree branch, synaptic, and organic-like structure. This essentially means that as you move out from the central image of the Study Matrix, that the pathways naturally become thinner. Arrows – Help to identify the directional flow of a pathway. Colors – At times different colors are utilized to represent seemingly unrelated crisscrossing pathways. These colors can either signify a change in direction, change in time, in place, or an alternative intersecting idea. To simplify things, when reading a Study Matrix it is important to follow along with the pathway color you are reading until you reach an ending. Colors – The Memory Enhancing Separation Tool Colors are an important and critical component of a Study Matrix helping to boost memory, recall and ease of learning. They are effectively used for a number of key purposes: To distinguish segments, topics and specific events that take place among fragments of information presented within the Study Matrix. Because they help distinguish key pieces of information, they effectively provide greater clarity, thusly opening up the channels to accelerated learning. At times they are used as a means of changing the time or place of key interlinking fragments of information within a Study Matrix. Finally, they can also represent different perspectives or points of view to further help distinguish the variety of information presented within a Study Matrix. Pictures – The Strategic Associative Tool that Builds Photographic Memory Pictures are great memory building tools because they are much easier to remember than words alone. In fact, if you take a moment to close your eyes and think about what you did yesterday, you will quickly realize that all your thoughts actually come through an interlocking associative collection of picture fragments that lay down the foundations of memory. Through a similar means within a Study Matrix, pictures make interlocking associative connections with words, ideas and concepts helping to boost the memory and recall of information we are learning. Pictures make powerful and lasting associations with the issues, themes, phrases, symbols, and words scattered throughout a Study Matrix. Pictures assist with improving the memorization and recall of key concepts and pieces of information. Pictures naturally stimulate the visual learning process making learning fun, entertaining and enjoyable. Pictures are connected and associated with words in 5 common ways: Pictures can literally “word-for-word” represent the words they are associated with. Pictures can metaphorically represent the words they are linked to. Pictures can symbolically represent the words they are linked to. Pictures can sound-like the words and phrases they are connected with. In other instances, pictures can simply replace words altogether. Symbols – Expanding Our Awareness and Understanding Symbols play an important part in helping you to pinpoint key concepts and ideas presented within your Study Matrix. They are essentially a tool that will help you to expand your understanding and awareness about the information you are learning. Symbols will help you segment critical facts and pieces of information making them discernible to the naked eye. Symbols will organize and categorize your information into easy and manageable learning chunks. Symbols will support the key insights, themes, issues and ideas within your Study Matrix, thusly making them easier to remember and recall. Symbols can also be utilized to highlight the relevance and importance of certain pieces of information. The type of symbols that can be utilized within a Study Matrix depends on the structure of your information and the purpose of your learning. To get you started, here are some common symbols that can be utilized within a Study Matrix to help identify key concepts and ideas in quick succession (please refer to the Study Matrix 101 diagram for a visual overview of these symbols): NO Assumptions – This symbol can alert you to key words or phrases within your Study Matrix that can be easily misunderstood or misconstrued in some way. Major Themes – This symbol can be utilized to quickly identify major themes and issues that are relevant and important to your understanding about the topic you are learning. Key Points / Ideas – This symbol can draw your attention to key ideas that are most important to remember. These ideas may in some way build upon the foundations of other concepts within your Study Matrix. Seek More Information – A Study Matrix represents only key concepts and ideas about a specific topic or subject. However, at times there will be important pieces of information that you may like to expand upon throughout the learning process. In such cases, simply create a symbol that you can utilize to pinpoint areas within your Study Matrix where further research is required. Study Questions – This symbol is utilized to identify key questions that help you expand on certain concepts and ideas within your Study Matrix. Stop & Reflect – This symbol is used to highlight important concepts or ideas that require some thought and reflection. Setting or Location – This symbol is utilized to identify a key setting or location that you would like to highlight within your Study Matrix. Time or Period – This symbol is utilized to identify key dates or periods that are important to remember. Once inserted into the Study Matrix, these symbols will help you to immediately recognize key pieces of information that are essential to your learning of the material you are studying. Content Pieces – Representing the Foundational Structure of Your Learning The Content Pieces of the Study Matrix are the distinguishing elements that help to improve the readability of the information you are learning. You will notice in the Study Matrix 101 diagram that different Content Pieces effectively represent alternative distinguishing concepts and ideas within the Study Matrix. As such, they each have their own unique look and style in order to assist the human eye in breaking through the clutter of not being able to distinguish between different fragments and pieces of information. Hence, when you are creating your Study Matrix it is critical that you take the time to distinguish specific Content Pieces from all others. This will help you to better recognize them throughout the learning process. Another critical component of the Study Matrix extends from the Connector Words that smooth the transition between the Content Pieces. The primary purpose of the Connector Words is to improve comprehension and understanding of the material. Pure Mind Maps do not utilize Connector Words, making it difficult for other people reading your mind maps to comprehend the information you represented in a consistent fashion. However, by utilizing Connector Words you essentially open the doors of comprehension and understanding that make your Study Matrix's easier to remember and recall. Other Bits – Bringing Everything Full Circle In order to further enhance the readability of a Study Matrix, it is important to incorporate a few more essential components into your design: Font Differentiation – The size and style of the font utilized within a Study Matrix differentiates the relative importance of key concepts and ideas. As a general rule, the further the Study Matrix pathways extend out from the center of the Matrix, the smaller the font becomes. This thusly helps improve readability. Hierarchical Structure of Pathways & Pieces – In a similar fashion, the pathways and pieces are also effectively miniaturized the further the Study Matrix expands from its central location. Numerical Sequences – Numbers are utilized in order to highlight numerical sequences of events or pieces of information that are important in helping us expand our understanding of the topic we are learning. Pathway Stoppers – These are RED Dots that represent punctuation “full stops” along the Study Matrix pathways. Whenever you come across one of these, just take a breath and continue reading a new sentence. Study Matrix Accelerated Learning Study Plan The following points present you with a quick strategy that will help you to develop a photographic memory of the Study Matrix you are learning from. Feel free to adjust this strategy any way you wish in order to fit your ideal learning style and preferences. Day 1 Peruse the Study Matrix identifying key symbols, headings, colors, pictures, words, patterns and other landmarks. Focus on the Study Matrix's organic structure, the sequences of numbers and the white space surrounding the information. Your goal is to effectively create a mental snapshot of the entire Study Matrix. Divide the Study Matrix into efficient learning chunks based on color. Begin reading the Study Matrix one color chunk at a time from the central image moving outwards – all the while chunking the information into even smaller bits and pieces (progress in a clockwise direction). As you are processing this information be sure to utilize the pictures and symbols to help improve your memory and recall. As you read gently guide your eyes over the dark pathway lines and arrows, much like following directions along a street map. Follow the 3R+T Process of learning by firstly Reading the color chunk aloud as you create mental pictures of the material. Secondly, close your eyes and Recall the color chunk from memory. Thirdly, return to the Study Matrix color chunk and Review your memory and recall of this information by reading through it once again. Finally, Test yourself by physically sketching that color chunk of the Study Matrix onto a piece of paper. Continue moving through the 3R+T Process until you complete all the color chunks successfully. Next, take yourself through the 3R+T process (Reading, Recalling, Reviewing, and Testing) for the Study Matrix as a whole. This will help to assimilate the entire Study Matrix into your long-term memory. Day 2 Reverse the 3R+T Process and move through the color chunks of the Study Matrix in an anti-clockwise direction on the second day of learning. Day 3 Peruse the Study Matrix as a whole and sketch it out on paper for a third time. If you are unable to remember some parts, than go back to these segments of the Study Matrix, review them and sketch in the relevant details accordingly. Day 4 to 7 Finalize your understanding of the material by testing yourself with a set of questions – you personally prepared in advance – related to the content you are learning presented within the Study Matrix. Before answering these questions be sure to quickly overview the Study Matrix as a whole paying particular attention to bits and pieces that were difficult to remember during Day 3. This 7 Day accelerated learning study plan should help you to build almost 100% recall of the information you are learning. Test this process by utilizing the Study Matrix 101 download as an experimental tool. In conclusion, please set challenging yet doable time limits for each step of this process. The better you are at sticking with these time frames, the more efficient your learning will become. How do I go about creating such a Study Matrix? You effectively have 2 options. You can either draw them out on paper or you can utilize a Mind Mapping software package. Here is a list of recommended Mind Mapping software tools: Tony Buzan's iMindMap – Free 7 Day Free Trial – the most graphically pleasant software package. 3D Topicscape – Free 30 Day Trial – 3D mind mapping software package. NovaMind – Free 30 Day Trial – ideal for brainstorming and creating large mind maps. FreeMind – great Free flexible mind mapping package. Feel free to visit the List of Mind Mapping Software Wikipedia page for further information and suggestions. If you are interested in learning more about Mind Mapping than visit some of the following helpful resources Mappio Mind Maps – A website showcasing a large variety of Mind Maps. Topicscape Mind Maps – A website showcasing almost 1,000 Mind Maps. Mind Map Search – A website with the largest collection of Mind Mapping resources and links. Adam Sincinski is active over at the The Study Matrix blog. If you haven't done so already, please feel free to download the full pdf version of Study Matrix 101 here.

Note: This is a guest post by Stu of Improved Lives. In most of the personal growth advice you will read, positive emotions are considered the goal. We think to ourselves, ‘I'm going to do this, this, and this and that will make me happier, more optimistic, and more outgoing.' And you know what, there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, there are many, many different techniques, exercises, and strategies that you can use to achieve those goals. The best way to achieve those ends would probably elude you though, because it is so simple, most of us don't even think about it. It turns out that one of the best ways to build up and create positive emotions is by having positive emotions. Like most of the really useful techniques and exercises in personal growth, this comes from psychology. The theory is called the Broaden and Build theory, and it's a fairly simple one. Negative Emotions Lead to more Negative Emotions Because of the way our brains are wired up, negative emotions tend to cause restricted, short term survival oriented behavior. For anyone familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs, another way to put this would be to say that negative emotions tend to make us focus on the two bottom levels of the hierarchy, which are: Safety needs – safety of our job, of our body, of property, and our immediate health Physiological needs – concern for food, water, sleep, and breathing The really important thing to understand is that this focus feeds on itself in a positive feedback loop. That means that focusing on negative emotions will make you focus even more on negative emotions, and your focus will slide farther and farther towards the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It's a vicious cycle that a lot of people struggle to escape from. Positive Emotions Lead to more Positive Emotions The good news though is that positive emotions work in the same way, which is where the broadening and building comes in. When we experience positive emotions, our brains lose that narrow focus, the horizons of our mind expand, and we experience varied and novel thoughts and actions which encourages us to explore the world. And just like negative emotions, positive emotions build on themselves. So experiencing positive emotions leads to more positive emotions and an even broader view of everything around us. This build up of positive emotions affects many, many different areas of our lives. Here are just a few examples. The Benefits of Positive Emotions The Broaden and Build theory shows that positive emotions build: Attention and Focus – When we're experiencing negative emotions we tend to ‘miss the forest for the trees'. When we are experiencing positive emotions, our attention and focus are broadened and deepened. Scope of Cognition – Positive emotions cause us to see more interconnection in the world, be more flexible in our thinking, and see more relation and integration in our thoughts and ideas. All these things add up to a big increase in creative thinking. Better Relationships – Unhappy couples tend to interact in structured, predictable, and rigid ways. In contrast, happy couples interact in more unpredictable, natural, flowing way. Additionally, happy couples actually build up a surplus of positive sentiments for their partner and their marriage. This surplus acts like a buffer against negative emotions and conflict. Resilience to Negative Emotions – Positive emotions actually help to override negative emotions. It has been shown that “individuals who express or report higher levels of positive emotion show more constructive and flexible coping, more abstract and long-term thinking, and greater emotional distance following stressful negative events.” The benefits of positive emotions are clearly varied and extremely substantial. The next thing we need to look at is how to bring more positive emotions into our lives. 4 Ways to Create Positive Emotions There are many excellent ways to bring positive emotions into our lives. Here are just a few that research has shown to be particularly effective: Do Relaxation Techniques – Relaxation techniques includes things like meditation, yoga, and muscle relaxation exercises. The primary positive emotion associated with relaxation techniques is contentment. Contentment is particularly good for reversing negative emotions and building resilience to negative emotions. Find Positive Meaning – Finding positive meaning works in three different ways: Reframing adverse events in a positive light (also called positive reappraisal) Infusing ordinary events with positive value Pursuing and attaining realistic goals The trick to finding more positive meaning in your life is to just be constantly mindful of it. Evaluate every situation you're in and try to apply those three ways to find positive meaning. The payoff is that people who find a lot of positive meaning in their lives will experience more of the whole range of positive emotions. Just Smile – Our brains don't know the difference between a real smile and a fake smile, so when you fake a smile, your brain responds in the same way (releases the same ‘happy chemicals') that it would if your smile had been genuine. So even faking positive emotions can have a real, positive impact. Do Something you Love – Some of my favorites are playing soccer, reading, and cooking. These things relax me, make me feel good, and let me forget about the world for awhile. Everyone's favorites will be different and unique. Make sure you know what your favorites are and make sure they are always close at hand. Remember that positive emotions are only one half of the equation. Negative emotions can be a serious detriment to any progress you make with positive emotions, so be sure to squash negative emotions as they come and replace them quickly with something more positive Further Reading: – Cultivating Positive Emotions to Optimize Health and Well-Being (pdf) by Barbara L. Fredrickson. – What Good Are Positive Emotions? (pdf) by Barbara L. Fredrickson. This is a guest post by Stu, who writes about how to use psychology for personal growth over at Improved Lives. He is the author of posts such as 112 Quick and Easy Personal Growth Exercises and 5 Happiness Boosting Exercises: Which Ones Work and Which Ones Don't Do Anything.

“There is only one time that is important – NOW! It is the most important time because it is the only time that we have any power.” Leo Tolstoy “I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.” Albert Einstein “The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.” Buddha I have written quite a bit about being present and how it can help you. Today I'd like to list seven of my favorite benefits of being present. Many of them relate to or blend into one another. Now, being present is quite hard to keep up. You slip back into not being present. And that's OK. Don't beat yourself up. Just accept that you are not present and you'll feel better and more relaxed. Then it will be easier to slip back into the present moment again. Just like with anything, going for perfection often just leads to anxiety, self-doubts and beating yourself up. Going for consistency and improving your consistency gradually – slipping back into old habits less and less – is more useful. Also, being present isn't a magic pill that will solve all your problems or “fix you”. But like regular exercise, it can be helpful in several ways. 1. Improved social skills. This may be one of the first things you discover when you start experimenting with being present. It was for me. If you have the problem that you get nervous/shy and don't know what to say in a conversation then presence is one solution. When you are present your head is no longer filled with past scenarios (“what did she mean when she said that?”) or future scenarios (“what will they think if say this?”). You let go off self-consciousness. You are just here. With your attention focused outward towards the person(s) you are interacting with. You just let things flow out of you. And in a way tip of assuming rapport is a way to tap into your presence in conversations. Assuming rapport means that you pretend that you are meeting one of your best friends. Then you start the interaction in that frame of mind instead of the nervous one. When you're with your best friends you are probably not thinking ahead that much. You are just enjoying the interaction, the present moment and all of you just let things flow naturally. Presence can also help you with listening. It helps you to decrease the bad habit of thinking about the future and what you should say next while trying to listen. If you are present and really there while listening then that will also come through in your body language, which gives the person talking a vibe and feeling that you are really listening to what s/he has to say. Being present also improves your focus and allows you to better tune out possible interruptions or distractions in your surroundings. Related: 160 Deep Quotes That Make You Think 2. Improved creativity. If you write or do some other creative work you may have found that your best work flows out of you when you are not thinking that much. You just write, paint, play. You enter a state where things just come to you. Then later you can come back and edit your work. This one is similar to the first reason. Writing is for instance similar to a conversation. When you are present in a conversation or while writing things it's often best to not think to far ahead or you start to get self-conscious and second-guessing yourself. You create mental blocks that stop your creativity from flowing unhindered. 3. You appreciate your world more. One of big advantages of becoming more present in your everyday life is that you decrease the amount of analyzing and labeling you do to the things/people in your surroundings. You don't judge as much. This might sound strange but in the moments when you are present the ordinary world becomes more interesting and wonderful. Colors can seem brighter. Your see more aliveness in trees, nature and in people. You see the wonder of all your man-made gadgets and stuff. Things that most often seem common, routine and boring become fascinating and something you can appreciate. It's like you are observing your world with more clarity and curiousness. Like a little kid again, discovering things while they still feel fresh. Before they have just become walking, talking and growing labels with years of associations and thoughts attached. Before you actually use this tip though – if you just think about it in your mind – it may not make that much sense. 4. Stress release. When you are present there is a certain stillness and centeredness inside. You calm down. If you are feeling stressed during your normal day then one of my favorite ways to let that go is to take belly breaths and just focus on them for a minute or two. This pretty much always calms me down. The breathing with belly seems to calm one down in a physical way. And by focusing just on the in and out-breaths you connect to the present moment instead of the past or future scenarios that are making you feel stressed. 5. Less worry-warting and overthinking. If you are a chronic overthinker that goes round and round in circles in your mind before you ever get anything done then being present is a great release from that habit. I'm not saying that you won't slip back into overthinking. But being present just for a while can help you. It can allow you to stop worrying about what may happen and just take some action to get started. To actually see what happens. 6. Openness. This is perhaps the best benefit. Being present removes the labels you put on people and things – temporarily – and opens you up to see and experience things without your preconceived notions. I think this is a big part in how being present helps you in conversations and with your creativity. You are open to new things as you are without many of your barriers within your mind. Things can flow easier through you without all that stuff in the way. You make things easy on yourself in way. And you often get better results at the same time. 7. Playfulness. As you are present you may feel a playfulness arise. This makes it easier to just do things. When you see things from a playful point of view things become less of a struggle created from within. You let go of that heavy, overthinking frame of mind. Everything won't become super easy to do. But many things become more enjoyable and easier to do. They become lighter. Less of a burden. Kids are often more present and playful. You can return to that playfulness by connecting with the present. The top 3 ways to slip into the present moment There are quite a few ways to return to the present. You can try a bunch of them out and see which one(s) that works best for you. My three favorites at the moment are: Focus on your breath. I mentioned this one above. Focus on what's right in front of you. Or around you. Or on you. Use your senses. Just look at what's right in front of you right now. Listen to the sounds around you. Feel the fabric of your clothes and focus on how they feel. You can for instance use the summer sun or rain and how it feels on your skin to connect with the present. Pick up the vibe from present people. If you know someone that is more present than most people then you can pick his/her vibe of presence (just like you can pick up positivity or enthusiasm from people). If you don't know someone like that I recommend listening to/watching cds/dvds by Eckhart Tolle like Stillness Speaks or The Flowering of Consciousness. His books work too. But cds/dvds are better than books for picking up someone's vibe since the biggest part of communication is voice tonality and body language.

Note: This is a guest post by Vic Vosen – a writer, reader, and slam participant – of Eye of the Storm. “You need nothing more to write poems than bits of string and thread and some dust from under the bed” Marvin Bell “Poets are soldiers that liberate words from the steadfast possession of definition.” Eli Khamarov “Appreciating poetry is probably like appreciating anything else. It means having the generosity to let a thing be what it is, the patience to know it, a sense of the mystery in all living things, and a joy in new experience.” M.C. Richards You have a flash of insight, a metaphor for understanding electricity as water, a parallel to existence or just an inside reflection on what is wrong/right with the world. I've sat at this lake before the waterfall waiting for hours for more to follow, but that's it and I start thinking about something else or worse, nothing at all, and then I forget what helped put the world in perspective. Like journal writing, poetry can help record those thoughts and special insights in helping forge your feelings into a perspective so that you can start coming to terms with it, rather than having it subvert back to the inertia that carried the feeling or idea to consciousness to begin with. This can help you come to terms with the idea/feeling itself, to move forward with your growth as living human being. How? you ask? 1. It builds your brain. The power of the metaphor, simile, parallel… figurative language is not only a good way to put things into perspective, but metaphors are easier to remember than a complex set of interactions. This is a way to grasp deeper meaning from perhaps a very mundane, or complex identity. It builds an understandable identity with which to contrast that is easier to grapple and engage in, in the process building pathways in your brain that would have been stopped cold otherwise. And poetry exercises this muscle by encouraging figurative language providing a sounding ground for your ideas, feelings, reminiscences by putting them into a concrete perspective. 2. It's therapeutic. A dialog of one is still a dialog, and like journal writing provides an amiable outlet to vent our feelings. Not only that but we end up with something that is tangible and durable product of the struggle while coming to terms with it. It is something we can show off, or keep around for a rainy day to either entertain ourselves, work on, or reminisce what you were thinking that day when you wrote it. It's a little snapshot of your soul and what you were thinking when writing it. This can grow into something new as you revise and/or write more as a poem can be never really finished. Thus it has the possibility of being exhaustless, while providing a forum for expression & understanding. 3. That tool you've developed is versatile. Once you get the hang of writing poetry, there's almost nothing you can't do with it. It is an alternative form of communication. If you don't believe me just look at all the greeting cards out there with this wit or wisdom scrolled up in Gothic lettering on every subject. It is a font of the English language, it's just up to you what you want to put it up to. I've written poems to magazines urging articles, I've used them to barter services and better grades in classes, I've written them to girlfriends. I've gotten people to laugh. They can be as complex or simple as you want to make them into, and I've found any place that required a logical argument, could always be appended with a poem in favor/or against something as well to clarify the position/picture, because after all, it's just communication if on a more deeper level. 4. It encourages deeper intrapersonal relationships. As you write, not only do ideas bloom, but you do also. Your vocabulary gets broader, your understanding about relationships between ideas grows and how this affects you and the world comes closer together. My biggest problem in dealing with people was not knowing whom I was, somewhere between egoless and consumer. Writing poetry enables the I in Identity, from which you can clearly communicate the you to the you in someone else. People aren't always going to be able to understand you, but writing poetry gives you an opportunity for personal space in which to critically think while expressing yourself to others in a coherent picture. Doesn't mean you'll come off all-knowing and wise, but that you'll be given an opportunity to effectively communicate at your own pace which can come at a premium in this busy world. 5. You are opening yourself up to a wealth of human knowledge By writing, you are doing the legwork in understanding other poets. There are as many ways to read poetry as there are people, but when you start thinking in a language are you more easily able to understand another in that language. There are thousands of poets and each of them write to different aim. Figurative language, prosody, sonics, description, narrative are all a language unto themselves and some will come easier for you to write than others, as well as understand. Poetry is a forum for exchange, not a universal language. Writing poetry strengthens your reasoning and in so doing, your comprehension in just what that author means when he claims, all was mimsy in the borogroves. Best of all, it's a free exchange of ideas.. there are thousands of websites and forums on the web and each have groups of people to interact and engage, both dead and alive, across the centuries from ancient Rome to the current Poet Laureate of the United States. Vic Vosen is a writer, reader, and slam participant currently bonded in slavery as a mudlogger to the petroleoum industry from his education costs. He posts on Usenet forums, a blog, and various poetry web forums in his exploration and development of metaphor and sound.

Note: This is a guest post by Lori Jewett. We have all launched ourselves on the road to happiness. We are obsessed with the pursuit of it, but all too often, we become discouraged. We struggle and bumble our way along, but somehow happiness continues to elude us. Part of the problem is that the term, happiness, is kind of vague. We set off on our search for it before we know what it is or how to obtain it. Many of us have created a monster with our relentless pursuit of happiness. We've chosen this broad and mighty goal “HAPPINESS” and then we set about trying to achieve it by eliminating all of the negative aspects of our lives, identifying our one true passion, divining our life's purpose and setting out to achieve our life's dreams…all before lunch. Then we wonder why it isn't working. And yet, it is true that the pursuit of happiness is worth the effort. Research has shown that positive emotions have not just the benefit of momentary pleasure, but of long-term well-being also. Positive emotions bring us pleasure, counteract the damaging effects of negative emotions, build resilience and promote long-term physical and emotional health. (See my prior post on The Power of Positive Emotions) We don't want to give up on happiness, but we do need to find an easier way. As we all know, when we have a big goal, it helps to break it down into smaller pieces. If we think of happiness as an overarching emotional state that is created by the presence of other, positive emotions, the process of achieving happiness becomes less daunting. Joy, contentedness, love, interest, and satisfaction are some of the positive emotions that lead us to feel happy. The more we experience these positive emotions, the happier we'll be. Easy so far, right? But how do we cultivate positive emotions? That's easy too, if you're willing to let it be. When we engage in activities or spend time with people (or animals) that we like, we tend to feel positive emotions. You might experience joy when you tickle your baby and make him smile, or feel interest when you read the editorial section of the paper or feel content when you snuggle up with your husband to watch a movie. There are many things in our lives that generate positive emotions. Simply put, the more time you spend engaged in activities that induce positive emotion, the more positive emotion you will feel and the more likely you will be to achieve an overall sense of happiness. To get you started I've included a very generic list of ideas for ways that you can invite more positive emotion into your life. You will, of course, put your own, personal spin on these and identify the specific people or activities that will bring about positive emotion in you. These are just ideas to get you started thinking: Exercise. Okay, no groaning now. Exercise, beyond making you more fit, also brings about the release of endorphins. This is a “feel good” chemical that is produced in your body. Now come on, who doesn't want to feel good? You might like lifting weights or running or prefer to join a local basketball league. Any moderately strenuous physical activity counts. Spend Time With Others. Time spent with people (not just any people, but upbeat, positive people) can bring about feelings of joy, love, interest etc. Go out with your friends, visit with family, chat with the mailman. Don't feel like talking? Just smile at people once in a while…when they smile back, which they will do most of the time, see if it doesn't make you feel good. Don't forget your animal friends either. Playing with the dog, watching the birds or rabbits in the back yard or even chatting with your son's pet hamster can make you feel more content or even make you laugh. (Yes, I do talk to my son's hamster and my daughter's as well…is that a problem?) Quiet Your Mind. Formal meditation, prayer or even just sitting with your eyes closed for a few minutes can bring about relaxation and a sense of inner peace. Spend Time in Nature. I've written ad nauseum about the benefits of time spent in nature over at BetweenUsGirls. Suffice it to say that nature, whether a hike in the woods or simply gazing at the river from your office window, can bring about relaxation, feelings of connectedness, and even spark creativity. While there is much research to prove that time in or near nature has a positive impact on mood, I am sure that you don't need proof. It isn't often that I run across a person who hasn't experienced the soothing effects of nature for his- or herself. Express Yourself. Creative expression of any kind (art, crafts, cooking, decorating, writing) can bring along a great deal of positive emotion. Your work doesn't have to be good…you just have to enjoy doing it. Have Fun. This might mean making more time for your hobbies, taking up a new hobby, spending more time with friends or quick-and-easy activities like seeing a movie, going to a concert or texting back and forth with someone who always makes you laugh. Anything that engages your interest or makes you laugh or smile. Volunteer Work. Quite often, doing things that help others, brings feelings of joy and accomplishment. Making someone else feel good often makes us feel just as good. Now, there you go. Seven very good general ideas that can be made into a multitude of specific ones for generating positive emotion. I'm sure that now that you're thinking, you'll come up with some other original ideas. If you do, share them with us…please! The older I get, the more that I realize that it really is the little things that make us happy. Becoming a happier person doesn't have to be hard work. Remember, one step at a time. Have lunch with a friend, take a walk in the woods, play with the dog, see a funny movie. Every time you engage in an activity that peaks your interest, makes you smile or gets your endorphins flowing, it's like money in the bank. A little laugh here, a loving hug there and before you know it you've become the happy person you've always wanted to be without hardly trying. This post was written by Lori Jewett from BetweenUsGirls. Visit BetweenUsGirls for wit and wisdom on a variety of topics including personal growth and development, midlife struggles, spirituality, health and more.

Note: This is a guest post by Michael Miles of Effortless Abundance. Henry David Thoreau said that “most men lead lives of quiet desperation,' and Miguel Torga, the great Portuguese writer, said that “life has the meaning we give it — our richness, our enthusiasm, our pride — or our cowardice.' The search for meaning is a constant theme in our lives and we try to find it in many different ways. I believe that meaning can be found in the way we add to the world. Let me explain. Step One: Take control Austrian psychiatrist and survivor of the holocaust Victor Frankl tells us in Man's Search for Meaning that between stimulus and response there is a gap, and in that gap lies the whole of our experience. Unlike Pavlov's dogs, we are free to choose our responses to the things that come our way. Many – perhaps most – people go through life on autopilot, reacting in the same habituated ways they have learned over the course of their life, often rehearsing the scripts they developed as children. In adult life, many of these scripts are maladaptive and only serve to impoverish our experience and damage us and those we love. When we react defensively to a criticism, when we start to get angry because we are stuck in a traffic jam, when we keep on smoking despite knowing how bad it is, we are ignoring the gap and abdicating our freedom. But the truth is that we are free – we are not robots, we are not like dogs salivating when a bell rings. We are pulling our own strings and when the stimulus comes we can take control, change our response and hence change our life. Of course, the power of our habits is strong and keeps pulling us back, but the gap is always there, even after a long lifetime of unconscious behavior, and over time we can expand the gap and become more free. In The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, Steven Covey calls this being proactive, the first step towards a life of meaning. In truth, we have always been in control, but we need to realize this before can move on. Step Two: Adding Value Once we have seen that we can change our own life and construct our own experience, we are able to orchestrate things so that we experience greater meaning. But what gives meaning to our lives? Is it money, property, a successful career, a big car, an attractive spouse or partner? I'm sure most people would agree that these things in themselves do not add lasting and profound meaning to us. Albert Einstein said that “only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile,' and I believe that a life of service to others is what truly brings meaning. I prefer to use the term adding value, since this describes what I mean more accurately. The term “service' suggests that we have to give up our jobs and money to go help the poor and destitute. I know several people who have done just this, and they have certainly found happiness and peace in their choice of lifestyle. But a life of adding value does not mean abandoning your own needs and desires. It is not the same as sacrifice. Far from it – when we truly add value to the lives of others, we cannot help but receive value ourselves. Examples of this kind of synergy abound in nature. For example, tree roots are often surrounded by fungal growths that take nutrients from the trees. Having no chloroplasts of their own, the fungi cannot synthesize the precursors of respiration, and so they piggyback on the trees' ability to do this. In return, the tree gets to use the fungi's vast subterranean network, extending its own reach and sucking in more nutrients from the soil. The soil, of course, gets this all back – and more – when the tree dies. Our own body is, perhaps, the ultimate example of synergy in nature, all organs and system working together to create a wonderful entity where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Adding value is the only real way to live a meaningful life. Victor Frankl said that we must detect the meaning in our own lives, and I think what he meant by this was that we need to figure out the best way of adding value. Step Three: Do What You Love So the question remains, how can we add value? I believe the answer to this is surprisingly simple. To quote Steve Jobs in a speech he gave in 2005, “Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Through Apple, Steve Jobs has undoubtedly added immense value to the world. He did it by following his heart and has been richly rewarded for it. The same can be said for many famous, successful and wealthy people. The formula is simple. Find what you love. Do it. Add value. Be a success. Perhaps the first step is the hardest. Do you know what you love? There is little more important in life than finding out. Finally, some food for thought. In Making a Life, Making a Living, Mark Albion cites a study carried out by Srully Blotnick. The careers of 1,500 business school graduates were tracked from 1969 to 1980 and were split into two groups: group A said they wanted to make money first so they could do what they really wanted later, and group B said they would follow their interests first, regardless of financial considerations. At the end of the study, there were 101 millionaires. All but one came from group B. Michael Miles writes at effortlessabundance.com. Subscribe to his rss feed here.

Image by gutter ( license ). What is stopping people from getting the results they want? Well, for one I'd say a pretty common and self-imposed roadblock is thinking too much. In fact, one of the best tips for getting things done that I have learned so far is simply to stop thinking and start doing. I think this problem of overthinking things is nothing that I'm alone with in the personal development community. I think it may be one of the problems that draw people to books and websites on self-help and one of the things that still keep them from achieving what they want even after they have picked up on a lot of helpful advice. Because after having read five books you think and plan and think a little more. You get lost in thinking. At least that's what I did. If you're an overthinker then getting your hands on personal development information becomes just another way to creatively procrastinate. But now you can label it as making progress and get an emotional kick out of it. Now, I'm not saying that educating yourself or thinking is something bad. But overdoing it won't help you either. Here are a couple of good reasons why. 1. Thinking can't replace action. I sometimes think there is some kind of wish when overthinking that thinking will somehow replace action. A wish that if you just think enough you can find some easy way out or get what you want without having to actually do something. Without taking action you'll most likely not get what you want. Thinking is however seldom as scary or uncertain as taking the leap into the unknown and taking action. So it can become a place where you hide from taking action and then rationalize to yourself in different ways how all this thinking will help you. Even though you know deep down that what you really want and need is to take action and get going. 2. You may overcomplicate things. Are things hard and difficult? Yeah, they might be. But you may also want consider that it's you that are making them even harder. By overthinking things you make them more and more complicated in your mind. You can turn something fairly simple into a really complicated and big mess. And so it goes from something you can do with some discomfort and persistence into an epic battle where you keep moving inch by painstaking inch. A problem here is that when what you are doing is difficult and complicated then you and others think that it must be important. And so you feel important. You derive a sense of importance from making things into big struggles. Such a thing can form into an identity where you are struggling and keeping on moving forward while you imagine other people lying at home in the sofa lazily watching some TV. It can strengthen you. It can make you feel negatively about other people. It may feel good in a sort of way to feel like an outsider or some kind of misunderstood underdog that's up against so much. So it has its upsides. However, you may also want to consider not making things to so hard for yourself. You don't have to be a rebel that's going against the world. You can just accept what you choose to do. And that other people choose to do other things. Upsides such as a feeling of importance or of being the underdog may make it hard to give up the notion that what you are doing may not be that difficult and complicated. But I have found that when I do that then I become more relaxed and things tend to be easier to accomplish. You can to some degree control how difficult something will be. Much of your struggle is up there in your head. Just try letting go of the notion of how awfully difficult something is and see what happens. You may be relieved. And surprised at how you have been making your life more complicated than it needs to be. 3. You'll perform worse. If you overthink things you may overcomplicate them. And so you become nervous and start to second guess yourself all the time. It also becomes harder to focus on doing something when you have a have a habit of thinking a lot. You may often slip into possible future scenarios in your mind instead just focusing on what you are doing right now. All of this can cripple your performance and produce results that are worse than they could have been. How to stop thinking so much So, I used to be a big overthinker. Still am. From time to time. But I have made progress. Here are three things I use to cultivate a habit of not overthinking things. Be aware of the problem. The most important thing is to be aware that you tend to overthink. And to keep being aware of that in your everyday life. You can for instance do that with post-it notes that say “Don't overthink things. Act!” or something along those lines. By just being aware of your habit you can often pick up on when you are doing it, stop yourself and do something more helpful instead. Over time it also becomes easier to step out of the loop of thoughts and not get stuck back in it a half an hour later. Set deadlines for decisions. Instead of thinking about something for days, tell yourself that you have – for example – 30 minutes to think. Then you will make a decision. Be present. Focus on what's in front of you instead of flying off to the past or Tomorrowland for long periods of time. A tennis player will for instance not think much while playing. She just trusts in her own subconscious and stays with flow. Her body will – after years of practise – know what to do automatically. The same goes for many things in everyday life. You don't have to think a lot about everything. You can just stay present and let the right actions naturally arise. This may sound a bit wonky, but if you just do things while being present you may discover that the results are often better than if you put in a lot of thought. Like the tennis player, you know what the right thing to do is and how to do it well from years of experience and practice. You just have to let go of all that thinking that can cripple you. And have trust in your capabilities. For tips on how to be present have a look at 8 Ways to Return to the Present Moment .

Note: This is a guest post by Karl Staib of Work Happy Now! Reaching a Zen-like state when working is not about being absolutely blissful. It's a myth that monks walk around with fixed smiles on their faces. Some probably do, but most are like you and me. They have their ups and downs while working. But what they've learned to do is focus on the everyday routine and immerse themselves in every task they do. No matter how they are feeling they are completely in the moment. 1. Stay aware of yourself and your surroundings When Zen monks cook a meal they notice the smells of the rice and vegetables, the movements of their wrists as they chop the celery and their breath as they move from one task to another. They are aware of all these things because they understand that being lost in thought, whether it be about their friend or what they will read before they go to bed, doesn't help them enjoy the work that they are doing. They expand their awareness to soak up everything that they are experiencing. This happens naturally, especially when we are excited about a certain task. Think about something that you love to do. Maybe it's hanging out with your kids, or a Saturday drive to your favorite store. Everything feels relaxed and wonderful because you've cultivated the Zen monk mindset. You don't want any sensation to pass you by because it's there to be enjoyed. 2. Work at a Comfortable Pace You should take your time no matter what you are doing. When you are walking around your favorite store, you probably do it deliberately, making sure you don't miss a thing. You have the ability to cultivate this attitude at work. When typing an email you don't have to type slowly, but you should feel comfortable with the rhythm so you don't feel rushed. If you are anything like me you probably don't work well or happy when you feel hurried. You need to work at the speed with which you feel comfortable, so you can enjoy the process. 3. Take a Few Moments to Transition to a New Task My father loves Cabella's (the outdoor store) for hunting, fishing, hiking, and anything to do with fresh air. When he is walking from aisle to aisle he takes a moment to transition from hunting to hiking. He slows down to weigh his options then picks a section that catches his interest. The brain needs time to adjust from an email to a report. Allow yourself a brief pause between tasks. It will lower your stress and help you work happier. 4. Do What is Necessary First Zen monks understand that they must maximize their energy by tackling the most important work first. They don't want to put it off because it only causes more worry. If they don't get every single task done they are still satisfied because they know they used their time to work on the most important project, not procrastinating on little tasks. You can learn to come into work and apply your efforts to what needs to be done, so the later part of the day is more relaxed as you do what is most enjoyable. 5. Develop Routines Zen monks create routines to allow themselves to work more efficiently. They don't start cleaning the bathroom and stop halfway through. They stay consistent by starting with the tub then moving on to the sink and finishing with the toilet. You can create routines that help you work more efficiently. Maybe your thoughts are crisper in the morning, so you work on your reports first because it requires the most thinking. Then you move onto email then phone calls and so on. And the last thing you should do is create a list of things you need to do tomorrow so you are all set for the next work day. 6. Forget the Work Day and Enjoy Your Relaxation Time A Zen monk never lets the work day affect his relaxation time. He releases all thoughts and worries about anything that he was involved in during his work. Through a little practice he encourages his mind to be an ally. You can train yourself to enjoy the time away from work. So many of us think about projects and ideas when we are with our families and friends, but this is a terrible habit. The mind needs a break from constant planning, so apply a relaxation technique on your commute home. It's easy. Allow yourself to stay with your breath as you head home and anytime a work thought pops into your head then bring your attention back to your breath. If you work at home, then take fifteen minutes before you leave your desk to lean back in your chair and breathe. By doing this over and over, you will strengthen your ability to relax before you spend time with your loved ones. Karl Staib writes about unlocking and kicking open the door to working happy at his own blog: Work Happy Now! If you enjoyed this article, you may like to subscribe to his feed or read one of his most popular articles, Put People in a Design-Friendly Atmosphere to Inspire Excellent Work and How to Get Your Boss Naked.

Note: This is a guest post by Liz Massey of Creative Liberty. “I'd love to do it, but I can't fit another thing into my schedule.” How many times have you heard that-including out of your own mouth? And mostly this oft-repeated phrase is a true statement: Surveys show that most Americans feel starved for time to do the things that matter to them. All around the world, “crazy busy” is a code phrase for doing what it takes to be successful. But in addition to possibly bringing success, a packed schedule brings stress. Under such conditions, making a to-do list, instead of being a tool to help us achieve more, becomes yet another way to beat ourselves up, because we're too busy to get to the things that we want to add to the list. If all of this describes your situation a little too well, I'd like to suggest you make another list before you start in on your to-do list: a “to-don't” list. Where a to-do list is expansive, inclusive and encompassing, a to-don't list is contractive, narrowing and boundary-defining. At the heart of the to-don't list is the Pareto principle, also known as the 80/20 rule. Simply put, the 80/20 rule tells us that 80 percent of our success comes from 20 percent of our actions. Making a to-do list is about discovering the actions that comprise that magic 20 percent and focusing on them. The to-don't list is about naming the other 80 percent of our actions for what they are – not crucial in a cosmic sense – and finding ways to resolve our entanglements with them. A couple of caveats are in order here: A to-don't list is not an excuse to remove things you don't like to do, but need to get done, from your plan of action. It is also not an excuse to ignore family or friends to make room for behavior that is unhealthy or compulsive. And it is not a way to avoid necessary confrontations or conflict (i.e. friction which eventually results in a better situation). A to-don't list is simply a list of actions which you are currently doing which are not high priorities at this time, and which you are willing to forego doing, at least for the immediate future. When you make a to-do list, for new every item you add, be prepared to move at least one other item (and more likely two or three) to the to-don't list. Some potential to-don'ts can be massaged, with the time, manner or frequency of the item manipulated in some way to free up time or energy. However, it's truly surprising how many things turn out to be optional, and can drop off our to-do list without incident. If you're able to develop and implement a “to-don't” list, you can reap the following seven benefits. 1. You can take advantage of a new opportunity when it arises. No more worrying about whether this is the “right time” to pursue an attractive new option. Adding to your to-don'ts can help make now the right time. 2. You can cope more easily with sudden challenges and changing circumstances. This is a less sunny restatement of benefit number 1, but it is perhaps even more important. How many people do you know have changed their lives dramatically – including how they spend their time – when faced with a crisis? Knowing that you can clarify your wants and needs if you're buffeted by a difficult situation may make it easier to imagine surviving it. 3. You can become clear on what your priorities are. Many people juggle actions that reflect their true priorities along with a host of social niceties, imagined favors and other actions that have merit, but just do not count as “essential” in their heart of hearts. The to-don't list helps you make distinctions between actions that flow from deeply held values and actions taken primarily to please others, protect your reputation, etc. 4. You can do more with less. Evangelists of the 80/20 principle promote this point as one of the greatest advantages to their mindset. With energy and time freed up to concentrate on the to-dos, focus provides the leverage to turn what doesn't seem like “enough” into sufficient, even abundant resources. 5. You can say no more confidently. Few people like to be told no, and fewer still seem to enjoy saying it to someone else. By drafting a to-don't list, you can be more confident that the items you are saying no to truly can wait, or can be done by someone else other than you. 6. You can generate options to resolve conflicts more easily. You may be able to generate counter-suggestions to a request after drafting the to-don't list, and create a mutually satisfying result, even if you can't provide what was originally expected. 7. Your to-do list will become more useful. And that's the intent of the to-don't list – to support a to-do list that leads to meaningful, satisfying actions. If you only have three things on your to-do list, but they're the three right things for you to do today, and you do them, it's far more productive than if you have a long list that never gets accomplished. And that's what a to-don't list can help you do: create a to-do list that's about to-doing, not to-shoulding or to-wishing. Liz Massey is an editor, writer and creativity coach based in Phoenix, who blogs about creativity-related topics at Creative Liberty. You can read another article of hers, about falling in love with your creative projects, by clicking here.

“The world is a fine place and worth the fighting for and I hate very much to leave it.” As you probably know Ernest Hemingway was a writer, journalist and Nobel Prize Winner. Some of his most famous stories include “The Old Man and The Sea” and “The Sun Also Rises”. He also participated in both World Wars and worked as a correspondent during for instance the Spanish Civil War. Now, here are 9 of my favourite words of wisdom from Ernest Hemingway. 1. Listen. “I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.” Learning to really listen to someone rather just waiting for our turn to talk can be a difficult skill to develop. Often we may have much on our mind that we want to say and so listening falls by the wayside. How can you become a better listener? Here are three tips: Forget about yourself. Focus your attention outward instead of inward in a conversation. Place the mental focus on the person you are talking and listening to instead of yourself. Placing the focus outside of yourself makes you less self-centred and your need to hog the spotlight decreases. Stay present. This will help you to decrease the bad habit of thinking about the future and what you should say next while trying to listen. If you are present and really there while listening then that will also come through in your body language, which gives the person talking a vibe and feeling that you are really listening to what s/he has to say. Be open. Keep your mind open to the possibility that whatever the person is about to say will actually be interesting. If you have already made up your mind that he or she will say something boring then it will be hard to pay attention. Also, if you really listen then that alone will often provide you naturally with a better and more genuine answer than the clever response thought up while trying to listen simultaneously. 2. Take the first step. “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” The thing is if two people or more are waiting for someone else to take the first step then that step may never be taken. Or you may at least have to wait for a very long time. If you after some time realize that, like in this example, you couldn’t trust the person then at least you have learned that. By not taking the first step you’ll perhaps never know. So instead of waiting around and trying to figure things out just take first steps of different kinds in interactions. Be proactive. 3. Keep your eyes on where you are going. “Never mistake motion for action.” It’s very easy to get lost in busy work. You may spend much time in your in-box or filing and organizing things. But at the end of the day or week, what have you accomplished? Just because you’re moving doesn’t mean that you are moving in the direction you really want to go. To do that you have to do the things that you know are really important and in alignment with your goals. And not getting lost in busy work. So, improve your effectiveness and productivity. But, more importantly, never lose your view of your big picture. And take the action and do the things you need to do to get yourself where you want to go. 4. Just do. “The shortest answer is doing the thing.” How do you get things done? You take action and do them. You may need to do some planning, but don’t get lost in that stage or in over thinking things. Planning or thinking won’t get you any results in real-life if you don’t take action too. So take action and just try something. Maybe you’ll succeed. Maybe you’ll fail, but if you do then failure can always teach you a bunch of things. The worst thing is not failure, it’s to just sit on your hands and do nothing. Developing a “just do it” habit – where you learn to do what you know you want to do despite how you feel or what your thoughts are telling you at the moment – can be difficult. But it’s rewarding not only because you’ll get actual results and – sooner or later – success. It also builds real confidence in yourself, in your capabilities and in your own personal power to achieve what you want in life. 5. Do. Fail. Learn. Do. “The first draft of anything is shit.” So you have to keep your eyes on where you are going and do the right things to get yourself there. However, you will not always get what you want on your first try. No worries though, if you have the right attitude. What attitude is that? The attitude of the much younger you. The kid who learned to walk and ride a bike. A younger you that doesn’t put so much value into a failure. But instead just gets up after falling down, learns a lesson or two from what happened and then tries again. And again. By cultivating that way of thinking about failure – instead of the more usual, more grown up one where you may think that the world will come to an end just because you failed – you can over time achieve some pretty awesome things. 6. Find strength through your tough times. “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” This is a really interesting point. Because it’s really easy to let yourself fall into a frame of mind where you think that no-one has had it worse than you and that this and this happened and that’s why you are like you are. And of course, some people have had a much worse time than others. But I think it’s easy to let yourself fall into a kind of victim thinking where you let your troubles in the past act as reasons why you can’t do something now. But one must remember: that is the past. And people’s problems are rarely as unique as we may think. Everyone has had bad stuff happen to them. People may not talk about it and you may assume that it’s just you that has have these bad experiences. But as Hemingway says, everyone has been broken in a kind of way throughout their life. It’s kinda unavoidable. But the question is what you do now. Do you let those old things hold you back and allow them help the ego to build an even stronger victim identity? Or can you let them go and live in the present – as the person you are now rather than who you were – with plans for the future? Everyone has to handle such a thing in their own way. But it is up to just one person to decide on how handle it. And that’s you. 7. Don’t get hung up on the small things in life. “The man who has begun to live more seriously within begins to live more simply without.” When you start to take life more seriously you may realize that you can let a whole lot of things just go. You don’t have the patience, time or energy to worry about the small and petty things anymore. You don’t get wrapped up in things that are totally unimportant. You start simplifying your life because you realize that your time isn’t unlimited. You remove a lot of the less important things to have more time and energy for the really exciting and important stuff. Have a look at what’s really important in your life. If you are unsure about if it’s really important, try asking yourself: Will this matter 5 years from now? Then simplify, simplify, simplify. You may be surprised at how much kinda unimportant important stuff that there is in your mind and life. You may also feel lighter after having done some decluttering because you are no longer bogged down by boatloads of stuff that you have now realized is pretty irrelevant. 8. Don’t let your imagination hold you back. “Cowardice … is almost always simply a lack of ability to suspend the functioning of the imagination.” Your imagination can really play tricks on you. By thinking about something over and over you and your imagination can come up the most elaborate and horrifying ways things can go wrong. But if/when you finally take action and do what you wanted to do it may be a little anticlimactic. Even if you fail and things don’t work out the way you hoped for you may think to yourself: Is this it?! There are no monsters under your bed. And the monsters and disaster scenarios you construct in your mind rarely come into life. Now, some situations may actually be quite scary and create a lot of pressure within. The best way that I have found to deal with those situations is to reconnect with the present. When you are present you are just focused on what is happening right now. As Hemingway says, you are suspending the functioning of your imagination because your mind is no longer lost in possible future scenarios. Check out Eckhart Tolle’s books The Power of Now and A New Earth plus this article of mine for tips on how develop the habit of being able to step into the now. It can allow you to find a stillness and peace within despite calamity outside of you. 9. Don’t judge. “The writer’s job is not to judge, but to seek to understand.” I think this is not just a great piece of advice for writers but for anyone really. Seeking to understand rather than judging is hard but is something that can help you and the people around you a great deal. And this also goes back to the first tip, the one about listening. To be a good listener you must have the intent to understand the other person rather than judging him/her. Instead of going into interactions or just life with a bunch of judgments that you apply on everything and everyone try acceptance. This is not easy if you are used to making judgments about everything. And the thing is, by making a judgment you can often strengthen you ego. You get a small ego boost and you feel good for a while. But just like with caffeine this wears off pretty quickly and you soon need to judge again to feel good. Accepting may not feel so appealing or “normal” but I have found that when I just accept things I feel a relief and stillness inside. You just feel good. I’m still working on this though. Accepting someone’s opinion doesn’t mean that you surrender and let them “win”. Nor does it mean that you need to just sit back and cannot take any action. You can accept and still take action to change something if that is what you’d like to do. Accepting just means that you let that person think and feels as s/he likes without judging it. When you just accept and let your judgments rest it’s easier to really understand each other and connect.

Note: This is a guest post by Vlad Dolezal of An Amazing Mind. “Every morning, I look in the mirror and say to myself: “This is your day. Don't let ANYONE take it from you!” David Deida Imagine two people take a ride in a balloon. One of them is terrified of heights. The other isn't. The one who isn't will enjoy the magnificent view, feel the warm wind on his face and simply love the ride. The person terrified of heights will probably squat on the floor, thinking “Omigod! Omigod! This thing is gonna crash and burn! We're all gonna die! Aaaaaaaaa!!!” Objectively, they went through exactly the same experience. Yet one person had the time of their life, while the other would be better off having their chest hair depilated (and trust me, that HURTS). The difference was in their VIEW of the reality. Your view of the world is crucially important for your well-being. Yet many people let others decide their reality for them. Be it friends, relatives, TV, or the newspaper. Who decides YOUR reality? Reasons for choosing your own reality I'm an optimist. And I mean I'm REALLY optimistic, right at the end of the spectrum. If I got hit by a car this afternoon and lost both legs, I'd think something like: “Yes! I finally get to find out what it's like to be disabled! Plus, when biographies are written about me years later, they'll say ‘He managed to overcome life's challenges…'”. I'm not trying to convince you to be an optimist. I'm just giving you the option to CHOOSE your reality. If you consciously decide NOT to be an optimist, that's fine. Without further ado, here are three reasons to be optimistic: 1. Optimism lets you achieve more. Imagine you wanted to start a blog. And you were a pessimist. Your thoughts would be “It's not going to work anyway, nobody will read my blog, why even try.” And voila, you'd never even start a blog. Being an optimist, on the other hand, I started my blog. I stuck with it for the two months when I had basically zero readership. Then, one day, I wrote a blog post that I felt was my best so far (Why Linux doesn't spread – The Curse of being free). So I submitted the post to several social news sites, it hit the Slashdot front page, and the rest is history. As an optimist, you'll see beyond obstacles that others consider impossible to overcome. They will think you're crazy. But oh, they will be SO wrong. They laughed at the Wright brothers. They laughed at you. But you'll show them, you'll *show them all*! AAAhahahahaaaa… Thomas A. Edison was interviewed by a newspaper after 800 unsuccessful tries to make a working light bulb. “How does it feel to have failed 800 times?” the reporter asked. And Edison's answer? “I haven't failed 800 times. I haven't failed once. What I have done, is I have succeeded in proving that those 800 ways won't work. Once I eliminate all the ways that won't work, I will find the one way that will.” Several years later, after thousands more “successful proofs” he managed to find a way that works, and thus illuminated the world. 2. As an optimist, you'll have better relations with other people. Positive, optimistic people are fun to be around. I'm sure you've experienced that yourself. By becoming an optimist, you will become such a person. People will enjoy being around you. Also, by the law of attraction, you will attract more similar people into your life. Imagine you have a crazy idea for how to spend your holiday. Would you like your friends to be like “Yeah man! Awesome! Go for it!”, or “Nonsense. That will never work. What the hell were you thinking? Come on, let's go grab a beer and complain about how miserable we are.” 3. Optimism makes you happier. This is the most commonly cited reason… and the most important one too. But I haven't put it first. Because if you say this reason to pessimists, they will say: “What the hell are you talking about?” If you want to help others, you need to speak their language. That's why I put achievement and success as the first reason. That's a universal theme that everyone will understand. How to become an optimist Now you know the main reasons for being an optimist. So how do you go about it? Below are the best ways to become an optimist. 1. Exercise. As you go through your day, tension builds up in your muscles. The tension needs to be released. Exercise releases that tension. It also releases endorphins, the body's natural opiates, into your bloodstream. This leaves you relaxed and happy for hours afterwards. If you're not much into exercising, check out my 5 Simple ways to increase your happiness. In there I share a simple way to exercise that takes just 10-20 minutes and requires only a watch. 2. See the positive aspect of every situation. I propose you try this. For seven days straight (starting tomorrow), see the positive side of every situation. Just like Edison and his “successful proofs”. If you want to make sure you don't forget, I suggest a variaton of a method I got from Tim Ferriss. Wear a rubber band around your wrist. Every time you forget to think positively about a situation, simply switch the band to your other wrist. The proper way would be to take off the band only after you've gone for 7 days straight without switching wrists. But you can simply try it for 7 days. 3. Think positive thoughts. In one experiment, the researches took 3 clinically depressed people. A psychologist then took over, making some changes in their daily routine to get them thinking positively (one of the changes was daily exercising). At the end of 30-day experiment, the subjects had been transformed into some of the happiest people you've ever seen. One of the things the psychologist did was to have them place colored stickers around their house and workplace. Then, whenever they saw one, they had to think of something that made them feel happy. Try doing the same thing (possibly using something else instead of colored stickers). This exercise will literally hardwire your brain to think happily and positively. By reinforcing the neural pathways of positive thought, you will make it easier to think positively in the future. You will achieve more and be happier. 4. Hang out with positive people. When you spend time with people, their characteristics start to rub off on you. You might start using some of the same gestures, or think some of the same thoughts. You can't help it. It's a natural process to help us bond together. The good news is, you can use this to your advantage. David Deangelo, from Double Your Dating, said he had been researching the topic of women and dating for two years without much success. Then he started to hang out with the “naturals” – guys who were naturally successful with women. That's when he really started to “get it”. Today, he is the most successful author of programs that help men improve their dating skills. You can use the same effect. By spending time around positive, optimistic people, you will naturally become more like them. You might take on some of their gestures, or patterns of thought. Learning from real-life examples is the fastest way, so use it. If you want to make friends with optimistic people, just go and talk to them. They're open to making new friends. Vlad Dolezal writes a blog about psychology, self-improvement and Linux. For more fun, step-by-step ways to improve your life, subscribe to his RSS feed. Or check out this article for practical tips to immediately improve your body language. Really, do it.

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” Samuel Beckett “Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorius triumphs, even though checkered by failure… than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt When we were kids failure had a different meaning than it has today. When you learned to ride your bike you fell over. Over and over again. Maybe you scraped your knee, cried a little. And then you got up again. And started pedaling. Soon you were riding the bike like you had done it all your life. It would be nice if we could all keep this way to thinking about failure as we grow older. Some probably do. Some don't. Why? A few reasons that I can come up with from my personal experiences are: Being too hard on oneself. If people fail they may be way to hard on themselves. A failure is rarely the end of the world, but it is easy to fall into to the trap of thinking that is. So learn to lighten up more and give yourself a break. School and society grades us and makes failure something bad. When we learn to ride the bike or walk we don”t think about failure being something bad. We just keep moving after we fall down. But later, in school people start telling us that failure is something bad, that it and taking risks are things to avoid. We are told such thing and we are graded. And so throughout the years, with the help of school and what other people around us tell us, we develop a fear of failure. The ego helps to develop a victim identity. As we attach more importance and weight to a failure it can become an important part of our identity. We may fail a couple of times and it devastates us. And so we may view ourselves as “failures”. And the ego likes identify itself with things. Sometimes success. Sometimes failure. And even though you are just a person who failed on a few occasions your ego – a little voice in your head – tells you that you are a failure. And then it goes on throughout the years telling you things to reinforce and make that identity more powerful. And since people tend to treat you as you view yourself, they may reinforce this pattern. So don”t take your thoughts too seriously. Books by someone like Eckhart Tolle may help you do that. It”s not “normal”. If you want to fit in perfectly, then seeing failure as something bad is a better bet than seeing it as something that can be quite positive and beneficial. Too little of being in the now. Children tend to be more present than adults. They do what they want without having their mind scattered on all kinds of other stuff. Of course, you can”t just run around in the grass with your arms stretched out imagining that you”re an aeroplane half the day. You have responsibilities and such things. But you can still incorporate being present more of the time into your everyday life and thereby improving your concentration and performance and decrease the amount of time you spend over thinking your challenges. And perhaps, once in a while, you can still run around playing aeroplane. :) I think Beckett has it kinda right when he says: no matter. People make failure into a large matter, perhaps even into a part of their identity. Of course, this doesn't mean that you should give up your common sense and risk all your savings on some wonky business deal. Now, what is good about failure? 1. You learn. Instead of seeing failure as something horrible you can start to view it more as a learning experience. When standing in the middle of a failure, you can ask yourself questions like: What”s awesome about this situation? What can I learn from this situation? There is always one lesson or many more in what you may see as a failure. 2. You gain experiences you could not get any other way. Ideally, you probably want to learn from other people”s mistakes and failures. That”s not always easy to do though. Sometimes you just have to fail on your own to learn a lesson and to gain an experience no one can relate to you in mere words. 3. You become stronger. Every time you fail you become more accustomed to it. You realize more and more that it”s not the end of the world. Failing may in fact become a bit anticlimactic – just like when successfully reaching a goal – after you have spent much time building a grandiose image of it in your head. You get desensitized. You can handle things that would have been very hard to handle a few years back. Failing can also a have an exhilarating component because even though you failed you at least took a chance. You didn't just sit on you hands doing nothing. And that took quite a bit of courage and determination. 4. Your chances of succeeding increases. Every time you fail you can learn and increase your inner strength. So every failure can make you more and more likely to succeed. And there is probably no other way to the success you dream of without a whole bunch of failures along the way.

“Anybody can do just about anything with himself that he really wants to and makes up his mind to do. We are all capable of greater things than we realize.” “Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow.” Norman Vincent Peale was a minister and the author of the famous book The Power of Positive Thinking. That book and other works from Peale went on to sell tens of millions of copies. During the depression he, JC Penney and Thomas Watson – of IBM fame – spent time on philantrophy. Peale also had his own radio show for over half a decade. Here are some of my favourite tips from Peale. 1. Focus on today. “Don't take tomorrow to bed with you.” Focusing on this day today and on tomorrow when it arrives can save you a lot of stress and improve your focus and performance. Of course, you may need to plan for tomorrow. But thinking about it compulsively will just shatter your focus and ensure that you won't be able to concentrate on what's in front of you today. You can – over time – build a habit of spending more time in the present and less time in imagined future scenarios or old memories. You may do this through things like focusing on your breathing or on your inner body. 2. Don't walk around with the world on your shoulders. “Drop the idea that you are Atlas carrying the world on your shoulders. The world would go on even without you. Don't take yourself so seriously.” I won't spend much time on this point because I mentioned it just a few days ago and have written about many times before. It's important though and can really change how you see the world and your life. It makes most things lighter. 3. You may be surprised if you just step up and face your obstacles. “Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven't half the strength you think they have.” “The “how” thinker gets problems solved effectively because he wastes no time with futile “ifs” but goes right to work on the creative “how.” It's very easy to spend your time thinking and imagining all the horrible things that may happen if you stand up and face your obstacles and troubles in life. But if you actually do that those negative images seldom come into life. They are just huge monsters that you build in your mind. Just like you did when you were a kid and imagined monsters in the closet or under your bed. When you actually stand up and face your obstacles you may find that the experience isn't as bad as you imagined. Sometimes it's actually a bit anti-climatic. You think to yourself: “What?! Is this it?”. So, after having done some thinking, research and planning on how you can accomplish something just stop thinking. Don't fall into the trap of overthinking and monster-building. Just go and do what you need to do instead. 4. Understand to overcome. “Understanding can overcome any situation, however mysterious or insurmountable it may appear to be.” Talk to people, do some research – in books, online, etc. – and the mist of anxiety and fear often vanishes. A situation may seem scary because it's not understood and undefined and so your mind projects your worst fears upon that scary looking mist. It can seem like just about anything may jump out of it and attack you. So understanding can be useful. Overthinking, as mentioned in the previous point, not so much. 5. Expect to get what you expect. “Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure. The way you think about a fact may defeat you before you ever do anything about it. You are overcome by the fact because you think you are.” “Formulate and stamp indelibly on your mind a mental picture of yourself as succeeding. Hold this picture tenaciously. Never permit it to fade. Your mind will seek to develop the picture… Do not build up obstacles in your imagination.” “Believe it is possible to solve your problem. Tremendous things happen to the believer. So believe the answer will come. It will.” What you focus your mind on you will see in reality. Your mind can only take in a small part of reality. And the attitude you take towards what you let in lets you see those things through different lenses. Self-fulfilling prophecies can be very powerful. If you think that you will fail then you'll find “proof” that you will fail in your reality. If you think you will succeed your focus system in your mind – your Reticular Activation System – will help you find the opportunities for success in your reality. What would remain “in the background” when you focused on the negative will suddenly pop out of the background when you focus on the positive or succeeding. Now, it may be common or “normal” to focus on the negative (perhaps with a sprinkle of positivity now and again). But it is also all it is. You are free to choose what to focus on all the time. So think about what you focus on because that is what you will see. And what you see is what you will act upon. And your actions do to a large degree determine your results. 6. Find the upsides of the problem. “Every problem has in it the seeds of its own solution. If you don't have any problems, you don't get any seeds.” “Problems are to the mind what exercise is to the muscles, they toughen and make strong.” Problems can provide insights and give lessons in how you can grow. So don't be totally discouraged when running into a problem. Realize that there are usually one or more opportunities in what you perceive as a problem. Doing that regularly makes it easier to not take your problems overly seriously because you aren't seeing them as totally negative experiences anymore. So when facing a problem, ask yourself a question like: what's awesome about this situation? Or ask yourself: what can I learn from this situation? 7. Check your phraseology. “Watch your manner of speech if you wish to develop a peaceful state of mind. Start each day by affirming peaceful, contented and happy attitudes and your days will tend to be pleasant and successful.” “Never talk defeat. Use words like hope, belief, faith, victory.” There is a good amount of power in what words you use. If you use negative words you tend to feel more negative and find more negativity in your world. If you use positive and uplifting words you tend to feel those emotions. This may sound a bit corny or silly, but when you get into the habit of actually using more positively charged words you find that it affects your mood and outlook on things. 8. Don't go too fast. “To go fast, row slowly.” It's tempting to go fast. But if you go too fast your boat may tip over. You may stumble unnecessarily and make mistakes that you wouldn't have done if you had just kept a slower pace. Or you may be tempted to grab on to the next big idea, the next “magic pill”, instead of steadily keep going on your current path. To actually get where you want to go a slower pace may be more useful and effective than a hurried and quick pace. 9. Develop the most useful habits of thinking. “Our happiness depends on the habit of mind we cultivate. So practice happy thinking every day. Cultivate the merry heart, develop the happiness habit, and life will become a continual feast.” “Repetition of the same thought or physical action develops into a habit which, repeated frequently enough, becomes an automatic reflex.” What you spend most of your time thinking about you tend to become. One problem may be that you don't know what you think about most of the time. Just keeping careful notes for a few days can be useful to find out how you spend your time and thoughts. To install more of a positive attitude or positive thinking into your mind you need to have patience. It may not be easy and you'll probably fall back into old thought patterns a lot of the time. But I have discovered that over time – we're talking about months here – you can slowly spend more and more of your week with, for instance, positive thoughts rather then negative ones. And after a while positive thoughts tend to become more and more automatic. Just like when playing tennis you don't have to think so much about striking the ball after a while. It becomes an automatic reflex. One helpful tip while installing new thought habits is to continually remind yourself about them by asking yourself questions that keeps you steadily on this new mental track. Or gets you back on track if you veer off it. You can use notes posted on your computer, fridge, and bathroom mirror to remind yourself to actually ask yourself the questions. 10. Learn not only from your mistakes. “We've all heard that we have to learn from our mistakes, but I think it's more important to learn from successes. If you learn only from your mistakes, you are inclined to learn only errors.” “Check what you did right and don't get lost in basking on your glory. It will make it easier to repeat whatever you did that created the success.” I thought this was an interesting reminder. Our mistakes are interesting because they can often teach us something valuable if we just take a closer look at what happened. But, of course, the successes are really useful to analyze too. It is here we can find perhaps a crucial detail or something that we did that we missed the other 10 times we tried. So, as Peale says, don't get totally lost in basking in your glory. Or make the mistake of seeing your success as just having a bit of luck for once. Take a close look at what happened and what you did right. Preferably sooner than later as memories can quickly become a quite fuzzy. And write down what you come up with to prevent that the conclusions become fuzzy.

“Reason can answer questions, but imagination has to ask them.” Dr. Ralph Gerard “The one who asks questions doesn't lose his way” African Proverb One of the most basic but difficult things when trying to grow is simply to keep yourself on the right track. To not veer off in your mind and in your world and take a wrong turn. This is unfortunately easily done in the day to day life as your ambitions and dreams may be forgotten among all your responsibilities and old habits. One thing that's been useful for me is to continually ask myself helpful questions in various situations throughout my week. By asking yourself helpful questions you'll get helpful answers. By, on the other hand, asking yourself disempowering and negative questions you'll stop yourself from helping yourself. You tend to get what you ask for. Here are five of my favourite questions right now. Adding those – or your own favourites – to external reminders such as a bracelet or notes posted in highly visible places can be very useful when your mind is heading down a slippery slope of negativity or pointless babbling. Also, as you start to use the questions more and more they tend to start to pop up almost automatically at useful points in your everyday life. The second question in this article is for instance one that my mind often asks me pretty much automatically nowadays whenever I find myself up in a negative situation. 1. Is this useful? This is a good way to weed out thought habits that may not be so useful. Your mind may for instance fool you into believing that it's the right thing to go around being angry at someone because, well, you're right. Or that it's right to dwell on a problem because you had such bad luck or was singled out. Both thought patterns are quite seductive because they can fool you into believing that you are doing the “right” or “normal” thing. But are such thoughts useful to you? Probably not. They'll just create suffering in your life, waste your time and do little to solve a practical situation. By asking if something is useful you can stop yourself while heading down a negative path and turn around towards the light again. 2. What is awesome about this situation? This is a good way to find the lesson within an experience that may be seen as negative. Or to just reframe a situation and create some positivity and enthusiasm within yourself to get going to practically handle a situation instead of falling back into a dwelling, negative victim-thinking kind of thought pattern . Asking yourself this question may seem stupid or silly at first. You may not find anything positive or awesome about a situation at all. But after you've started to ask yourself the question in more and more situations you'll probably find something that's at least good about the situation. And the more awesome, positive and good things you can find in experiences the more your mind starts to accept that you can indeed find something good in just about any situation. Your mind just has to get a bit used to thinking about things in this new and unfamiliar way. 3. How can I give value in this situation? This is a good way to improve your relationships and interactions. I listed four awesome reasons to give value in your everyday life two weeks ago. They are: It makes you feel awesome. You tend to get what you give. It makes your life a whole lot more fun. It makes it easier to start new relationships. What value can you give in a situation/to another person? Well, a few suggestions would be: bringing a positive attitude into situations, lending a listening ear, cheering someone up, offering useful advice or creating a fun/exciting situation for people in your life. By asking yourself this question you can add more value to other people's lives. And more value and joy to your own life. 4. Am I taking this too seriously? This is wonderful question to ask yourself to lower stress levels and be able to feel better and perform better in a situation where you have created a lot of internal pressure upon yourself. It take much of the self-imposed seriousness and weight off on your shoulders. It makes life lighter. This is one question that I have some difficulty remembering from time to time, but when I do – which I usually do at some point – then it makes me feel a whole lot better. You can read more about not taking life too seriously and find some practical tips for doing that in Lighten Up! 5. Will this matter 5 years from now? This is pretty similar to the previous question but I wanted to include it anyway. Why? Because it can really puts things into perspective . It can make just about any difficulty that you are having right now seem a bit trivial and not as important and heavy as you had imagined the last few days, weeks and months. You may discover that you had expanded and made the problem a lot more terrifying than it actually is. Asking yourself a combination of the previous question plus this question may help you to put just about anything in your life into a more healthy and relaxed perspective. Now, what is your favourite/best question to ask yourself? You may also like: 160 Confidence Quotes: A Guide to Believing In Yourself 101 Courage Quotes That Will Motivate and Inspire You 71 Inspirational Quotes on Understanding 201 Short Quotes and Sayings about Life

“If you want your life to be more rewarding, you have to change the way you think.” “For everyone of us that succeeds, it's because there's somebody there to show you the way out.” One of the coolest things online this spring was the webinars with Oprah and Eckhart Tolle. Each week during 10 weeks they discussed the ego, the present, consciousness and other ideas from Tolle's book A New Earth. Today I'd like to focus a bit on Oprah. So here are a few of her tips and reminders that resonate with me right now. 1. Keep your focus in the right place. “Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough.” This is a pretty clever tip that can have a larger influence on your life than you may imagine. Within your mind there is something called Reticular Activation System (or RAS). It can help you because what you focus your thoughts on this system will start to try to find evidence of in your surroundings. Since you can only take in a small part of all impressions what you focus on becomes very important. In fact, changing what you focus on can seem to change your world radically. When you focus on what you have and appreciate it or focus on what you want a lot of things will start to “pop up” in your reality. It was actually there all along. But you can only see it when you shift your focus. If you focus on what you don't have your RAS will only help you to find evidence of that. By being thankful and making appreciating a regular habit you cannot only quickly change a sour mood into a positive one. You can also have more of what you want and kinda automatically find solutions and useful information that can help you to achieve what you are focused on. An external reminder or two – for instance post-it notes on your fridge – can be helpful to keep your focus in the right place in your day to day life. 2. Redefine failure. “I do not believe in failure. It is not failure if you enjoyed the process.” “Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.” “I believe that one of life's greatest risks is never daring to risk.” One of the big things holding people back from getting what they want is the fear of failure. But as written many times before, failure can be a very helpful learning experience. In fact, without failure you'll probably never learn the things you need to achieve the success you dream of. So, instead of seeing failure as something big and scary, redefine it in your mind as a learning experience. Two more tips for dealing with failure in a useful way are: Create an abundance mentality. A scarcity mentality tells you that there is always a lack. An abundance mentality tells you that there is always an abundance. That there are always more goals that you can score, business opportunities to find and dates to be had. If you miss one, then learn what you can from it. But don't let it drag you down. Use the first tip in this article and bring your focus back to what you want once again. Focus on the abundance. This will not only make it easier to take a chance on something but is also a good thing to focus on to reduce those negative feelings, those fears of failure that to a large degree is created within your mind because of a perceived lack. Focus on the process. What this means is that you just focus on what you are doing. You don't think about the possible outcomes of what you are doing when you are doing what you do. You detach from that. You just keep your mind focused on doing the work. You don't think about how you may fail, disappoint yourself or have great success. You don't think about how you may disappoint, amuse or in some other way be seen through the eyes of others. You just focus on what you do. And so what you do becomes enjoyable even though it may contain some stumbling or failures. You can read more about focusing on the process and detaching from the outcome in The Relaxifying Secret to Success . 3. You are fueling your own fear. “Whatever you fear most has no power – it is your fear that has the power.” Fear is mostly just a loop of thoughts that you are feeding with new energy. When you accept what is and face your fear then you stop feeding it and it dissipates. So the key is to accept. Accepting what is stops the flow of energy back into the fear. One way to do this is by surrendering to the emotion. And then to take the action that you fear. By surrendering you remove or at least weaken the negative emotion that is holding you back. By taking the action your mind gets the proof that whatever you feared wasn't really that scary. Here's one way to surrender to your emotion: When you feel a negative feeling then accept that feeling. Don't try to fight it or to keep it out (like many of us have learned throughout life). Say yes to it. Surrender and let it in. Observe the feeling in your mind and body without labeling or judging it. If you let it in – for me the feeling then often seems to physically locate itself to the middle of my chest – and just observe it for maybe a minute or two something wonderful happens. The feeling just weakens and sometimes vanishes completely. 4. Do the right thing. “Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody's going to know whether you did it or not.” This is a real interesting one. But how do you do it? How do you keep doing the right thing when nobody's looking and checking up on you? I certainly don't have a complete answer for that but two useful things I've found are these: Make your own rules. It seems to me that if you are to stick to doing the right thing then you need to take your eyes from the rules and values set by people around you. You need to define yourself and what you're about. If you play by other people's rules then you'll be answering to those people. And it will be pretty easy to slip up or cheat when no-one is watching. But if you make your own rules then you answer to yourself. When you are accountable to yourself instead of the world around you it will be easier to do what you feel is right more consistently. Get off dependence on external validation. If you are dependent on external validation – people telling you that you are doing a good job etc. – then it will be hard to play by your own rules. You'll constantly be looking outward to see how you are doing and adapt to what people are telling you. And if you're hooked on such validation then it will be tempting to just cheat or skip doing the right thing when nobody is watching, because there is no-one there to praise you anyway. You can read more about external validation – and about replacing it with internal validation – in 9 Great Ways to Make Yourself Absolutely Miserable . 5. You get what you give. In more than one way. “What I know for sure is that what you give comes back to you.” This is of course a classic piece of advice. And I believe it's pretty accurate. People tend to adapt and reciprocate. They treat you as you treat them. But lately I've also been thinking about how this seems to work in another way. It seems to me that what you do to others you also directly do to yourself. If you pour out a lot of negativity out into the world then you also pour that energy into yourself. For the moment, it may feel good to gossip about your boss. But I believe that much of the negativity that you find in your life is caused by this behavior. It may not be directly tied to what you said or did. But it seems to me like you cannot hurt someone without, in some way, hurting yourself too. The more negativity you dole out the worse you tend to feel in your everyday life. The more problems you find and cause. The more you overreact and feel a sad funk arising from nowhere in particular. Maybe it's because giving out much negativity causes you to focus your RAS more on the negative things in your life. 6. Let go of the past. Live in the present. “Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” One of the best things you can do to improve your life and feeling of well-being is to let go of what has happened. To not be dwelling on whatever negative things that happened in the past for too long. But how do actually you do it? I have found a few good tips so far. They work well, and will probably work even better as time passes and I get better at using them. The first one is to ask yourself throughout the day or when you feel like you're spiraling down into negative thoughts: what's in it for me? What is in for me by thinking about these thoughts? I often realize that there is very little in it for me. Negative thoughts or replaying a negative memory over and over in my mind isn't helping that much. Sure, you can derive a sort of pleasure – a sort of importance – by feeling like a victim or by hating someone and secretly plotting for some kind of revenge. But really what you are doing is wasting your time and energy. That's what's in it for you. For instance, someone who is hated might not feel good about it. Or s/he may on the other hand not even notice it. It is always the hater that suffers the worst, that carries around the self-imposed curse. S/he spends hours, days or months in a cloud of negative thoughts that spill over into the rest of his/her life too. You have already read about the second tip: focus on what you want. And focus on the abundance instead of the scarcity. The third tip is to learning to spend more and more time in the present rather than the past or a projected future. And the best practical way I have found so far to do that is ties back to the beginning of this article. Pick up a copy of Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth and if you like, start watching/listening to the webinars. 7. It's up to you what happens. “We are each responsible for our own life – no other person is or even can be.” When we are young other people are responsible for our lives. I think that one sign of a mature person would be that he or she takes 100% responsibility for his/her own life. Still, there is often a lingering feeling that we may want someone else to still be responsible for our lives. One way that this manifests is in how people go looking for magic pills. Instead of buckling down, taking responsibility for their own life and working step by step towards a goal there is a need for a book, a program, a pill or something we can buy that will make our problem go away. Like how mom or dad used to fix your problems and make them go away. Now I'm not saying that I haven't been looking for magic pills. Maybe everyone needs to go through such phases. But I think that when you can let go of such searching then you are probably on a road that will bring you better results than your search for magic pills did. Why? Well, you realize that you need to be behind the wheel and in control. And when you stop spending time looking for the next magic pill you become focused. You realize that no book can give you more than the knowledge. You realize that you need to take action in your life and create your life in the way you want it. And now all those books you bought may become more useful. Because you are no longer looking at them as a magic pills that will “fix you”. You see them as road maps that can guide you along your path.

Note: This is guest post by Mike King of Learn This . Stress is a common complaint from people about why they don't lead a happier life, a more positive life. And since worry is one of those factors that leads to stress, I want to explore in detail what worrying causes, the things we can learn from worry and some steps to take that let us change the way we experience worry. Worrying Stems from Fear It's simple definition, worry is the act of thinking about the unknown in a way that we fear. Regardless of what the situation, if you think about that event in a way that makes you fear the outcome, that thought will stay with you, generate more similar thoughts and create constant worry. If you hold onto these thoughts, they can quickly become overestimated and exaggerated to the point that what started out as a simple concern, becomes a painful fear. The fear itself can cascade itself by generating worse and worse thoughts that just reinforce the worry and stress associated with it. Now, its quite natural to have fears about the unknown. There is nothing wrong with fear, in fact, it has a lot of advantages which I'll outline below. What's dangerous about these fears though is if you allow yourself to focus on only the results you fear, even when there is no basis or reason to believe that that is the likely outcome. This is the kind of fear and worry that gets you nowhere! Ignoring every other possible outcome (and generally the most likely and often positive outcomes) to think constantly about the one outcome we fear is a major cause of stress. This often is the worst outcome or the thing we fear the most. The problems this can cause are: Detracts your focus on useful activities. Worry from fear is hard to forget or unlearn, so it re-occurs easily and becomes habitual. Affects your other activities in a negative way (often pessimistically). Advantages of Worry There are some advantages you can have from worry as well: Worry can guide you to recognize what is meaningful if you don't know already. Helps you to predict possible bad outcomes before they happen so you can avoid them. You can demonstrate care and love to others by showing signs of worry when its about their welfare. Recognizing Worry One of the first steps to learning to handle worries in a more positive way is to first recognize when you are in fact worrying. These are common visible traits of a person who is worrying. Irritability. Confusion. Nightmares. Insecurity. Each of these traits and potentially many more are signs of a person under stress caused by worry. When you can learn to recognize these in your own behaviors, you should stop and take note as to WHY you are feeling and behaving that way, its quite possibly due to worry. Unfortunately, since most worriers don't even realize they worry as much as they do, some extra steps can make it even easier to recognize. Get a notepad and pick a couple of times that you can write down your thoughts every day (perhaps at meals or at certain times each day). Do this for about a week or two, noting what were your main thoughts (and likely worries) at that time. What kinds of things were you doing? Who were you spending your time / thoughts on? Noting these things will help to show some simple patterns and identify a few main areas that seem worrisome and consume a lot of thoughts. It's not until you recognize what you actually do worry about, that you'll be able to change it. These can be anything from worries about major areas in your life like your safety and security, welfare of others, loss of relationship control, self-control of circumstances, approvals and decisions that you rely on others for, money and finances, your faith or spirituality, your health and wellness all the way down to simpler worries like finding time to do what you want, getting your tasks completed , talking to strangers in public, driving somewhere, etc. 5 Ways to Control and Limit Your Worry So, with some of your specific worries identified, its time to look at ways to change those worries and turn them around from being such a negative force. The way to do this is to eliminate or at least for now, hide or minimize the negative thoughts and focus more on the positive outcomes with all the things that you normally find yourself worrying about. Some steps to do that are listed below. Combining several, all or just some of these with other techniques can make great progress to controlling and limiting your worry. Write down all the positive outcomes and your most favorable one Pick one of the items you regularly worry about and focus on it. Write down all the positive outcomes you have in relation to that activity and also write down your most favorable one, even if it doesn't or is unlikely to ever happen. These positive outcomes are a reminder to all the good things that occur for that event and the most favorable one is a bit of carrot or a hope that it can be even better than you normally experience. This is important, as it can help to outbalance the negatives you are used to thinking. Make your list as long as possible, try to get 10-20 positives for anything you normally find yourself stuck worrying about. Keep your list on hand and when you find yourself thinking about this event, read through your list. Reread it and even memorize it if it helps to keep attention to it. This process will slowly start to train your mind to look for different kinds of outcomes, the positive ones instead of the worst. This will reduce your worrying. Appreciate the good things from the day Before you go to bed, take just a couple of minutes and think of 3-5 good things that happened to you that day and be appreciative of them. Maybe someone was extra nice or gave you a compliment, perhaps you got something done quickly or particularly well, or maybe just seeing a few new positives in some event was a highlight of your day, whatever it was, say it out loud or to yourself, or pray about it, whatever you want to do, just show some appreciation for those good events. This is again a step in learning to see more positives around you. Don't think about the next day when going to bed, just memories of that day One thing I've read that traps a lot of worriers is that they think about or plan their next day before they go to bed. I can't urge against this strongly enough. You don't want to go to bed with your mind focused on foreseen problems of the next day. Especially in the mind of a worrier, since it will distract your sleep, your dreams and just reinforce itself through the night in habitual negative ways. You are much better off keeping your last thoughts before sleeping positive and NOT worrying about the next day when you go to sleep. Use affirmations about that outcome already having occurred Changing your mindset is not an easy task (I've written about mastering your state of mind here), and changing your beliefs that guide your reasons for worry fits into that mindset deeply. Changing that requires a number of tools and while affirmations may not work for everybody, they are a proven powerful tool which can definitely help you to change your thinking about the outcomes you worry about. Basically, you affirm (or state in a present sense) how you feel about being and experiencing the positive outcomes you desire with complete disregard to previous negative worries you've had in the past. Its best to do these affirmations out loud, and repeatedly. An example of someone who has previously been worried about driving in the city might sound like: I feel so independent and free to drive myself safely anywhere I like in the city. Remind yourself of all the previous times the best action has occurred Most worriers do so with little reason. If you count up all the outcomes and results of many events that a worrier stresses over, it's easy to see that this worrying is usually unjustified. Looking at all the time the event just worked out and there was no reason to worry in the first place helps to re-enforce good outcomes. Use those numbers and histories to remind yourself that the most likely outcome is actually the desired outcome and any bad is VERY unlikely to occur so shouldn't be worried about. Avoiding Worry So, even once you've learned to control and limit your worry, this can be taken even further by avoiding the process of worrying all together. I'm no expert here but I have found and read about several things that can help to free your mind of worry. Avoid the source or situation that generates the worry in the first place (after all, its not that easy to eliminate the fear behind a worry) Encourage new outcomes and be excited for new experiences . The fear of change usually turns this into worrying about the unknown so developing a sense of adventure for new experiences and outcomes will embrace them without needing to worry about them. Keep your results and records and remind yourself of how often things really do go as expected for you and that you have nothing to worry about! Don't reinforce others to worry (make good outcomes welcome, encourage them) Whatever happens happens. You probably had no control over it anyway, so just let it go. Learn to just be, instead of wanting to control. This takes practice and faith, whether that is in you, others around you or something spiritual, faith is really the opposite of worry. So, what can you really gain from worrying? Is there anything you can do about it anyway? What can you do next time to avoid worrying about it again? Ask yourself some of these questions next time you find yourself worrying. Use some of these techniques to kill that unnecessary worry time in your life and live a more positive and carefree life! Mike is the author of Learn This , a productivity blog for self learning career, leadership and life improvement tips. He's written many articles about finding your passion in life, goal setting and many other ideas around learning to have a better and more positive life. Please subscribe to his RSS feed here to read more of his articles!

“It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.” “Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.” “When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.” You may know Mark Twain for some of his very popular books like Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. He was a writer and also a humorist, satirist and lecturer. Twain is known for his many – and often funny – quotes. Here are a few of my favorite tips from him. 1. Approve of yourself. “A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” If you don't approve of yourself , of your behavior and actions then you'll probably walk around most of the day with a sort of uncomfortable feeling. If you, on the other hand, approve of yourself then you tend to become relaxed and gain inner freedom to do more of what you really want. This can, in a related way, be a big obstacle in personal growth. You may have all the right tools to grow in some way but you feel an inner resistance. You can't get there. What you may be bumping into there are success barriers. You are putting up barriers in your own mind of what you may or may not deserve. Or barriers that tell you what you are capable of. They might tell you that you aren't really that kind of person that could this thing that you're attempting. Or if you make some headway in the direction you want to go you may start to sabotage for yourself. To keep yourself in a place that is familiar for you. So you need give yourself approval and allow yourself to be who you want to be. Not look for the approval from others. But from yourself. To dissolve that inner barrier or let go of that self-sabotaging tendency. This is no easy task and it can take time. 2. Your limitations may just be in your mind. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.” So many limitations are mostly in our minds. We may for instance think that people will disapprove because we are too tall, too old or balding. But these things mostly matter when you think they matter. Because you become self-conscious and worried about what people may think . And people pick up on that and may react in negative ways. Or you may interpret anything they do as a negative reaction because you are so fearful of a bad reaction and so focused inward on yourself. If you, on the other hand, don't mind then people tend to not mind that much either. And if you don't mind then you won't let that part of yourself become a self-imposed roadblock in your life. It is, for instance, seldom too late to do what you want to do. 3. Lighten up and have some fun. “Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.” “Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.” Humor and laughter are amazing tools. They can turn any serious situation into something to laugh about. They can lighten the mood just about anywhere. And a lighter mood is often a better space to work in because now your body and mind isn't filled to the brim with negative emotions. When you are more lighthearted and relaxed then the solution to a situation is often easier to both come up with and implement. 4. Let go of anger. “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” Anger is most of the time pretty pointless. It can cause situations to get out of hand. And from a selfish perspective it often more hurtful for the one being angry then the person s/he's angry at. So even if you feel angry at someone for days recognize that you are mostly just hurting yourself. The other person may not even be aware that you are angry at him or her. So either talking to the person and resolving the conflict or letting go of anger as quickly as possible are pretty good tips to make your life more pleasurable. 5. Release yourself from entitlement. “Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” When you are young your mom and dad may give a lot of things. As you grow older you may have a sort of entitlement. You may feel like the world should just give you what you want or that it owes you something. This belief can cause a lot of anger and frustration in your life. Because the world may not give you what expect it to. On the other hand, this can be liberating too. You realize that it is up to you to shape your own life and for you to work towards what you want . You are not a kid anymore, waiting for your parents or the world to give you something. You are in the driver's seat now. And you can go pretty much wherever you want. 6. If you're taking a different path, prepare for reactions. “A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.” I think this has quite a bit of relevance to self-improvement (and also to starting a business online now that I think about it). If you start to change or do something different than you usually do then people may react in different ways. Some may be happy for you. Some may be indifferent. Some may be puzzled or react in negative and discouraging ways. Much of these reactions are probably not so much about you but about the person who said it and his/her life. How they feel about themselves is coming through in the words they use and judgement they make. And that's OK. I think it's pretty likely that they won't react as negatively as you may imagine. Or they will probably at least go back to focusing on their own challenges pretty soon. So what other people may say and think and letting that hold you back is probably just fantasy and barrier you build in your mind. You may find that when you finally cross that inner threshold you created then people around you may not shun you or go chasing after you with pitchforks. :) They might just go: “OK”. 7. Keep your focus steadily on what you want. “Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.” What you focus your mind on greatly determines how things play out . You can focus on your problems and dwell in suffering and a victim mentality. Or you can focus on the positive in situation , what you can learn from that situation or just focus your mind on something entirely else. It may be “normal” to dwell on problems and swim around in a sea of negativity. But that is a choice. And a thought habit. You may reflexively start to dwell on problems instead of refocusing your mind on something more useful. But you can also start to build a habit of learning to gain more and more control of where you put your focus. 8. Don't focus so much on making yourself feel good. “The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.” This may be a bit of a counter-intuitive tip. But as I wrote yesterday, one of the best ways to feel good about yourself is to make someone else feel good or to help them in some way. This is a great way to look at things to create an upward spiral of positivity and exchange of value between people. You help someone and both of you feel good. The person you helped feels inclined to give you a hand later on since people tend to want to reciprocate. And so the both of you are feeling good and helping each other. Those positive feelings are contagious to other people and so you may end up making them feel good too. And the help you received from your friend may inspire you to go and help another friend. And so the upward spiral grows and continues. 9. Do what you want to do. “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did so. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” Awesome quote. And I really don't have much to add to that one. Well, maybe to write it down and keep it as a daily reminder – on your fridge or bathroom door – of what you can actually do with your life .

“Wealth, like happiness, is never attained when sought after directly. It comes as a by-product of providing a useful service.” Henry Ford “This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects; for it redoubleth joy, and cutteth griefs in half.” Francis Bacon “Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being.” Goethe How do you become a successful blogger? The first answer that super-successful people like Steve Pavlina, Darren Rowse or Leo Babauta may offer you is probably to create and give value. If you give some kind of useful value to people then they are open and interested in reading your blog and recommending it to their friends. You may give them practical tips for improving your life like this blog does. Or review the latest video-games for the gamer crowd. Or provide the latest scoops about Britney for people interested in gossip about celebrities. Now, you may not be a blogger. But bloggers are basically just people in interactions or conversations with other people. Just like you are with your friends, family, co-workers, school mates or whoever you are hanging out and interacting with. In blogging giving value may be one of the three things I suggested above. In your daily life it may be things like: Bringing a positive attitude and vibe into interactions. Offering useful advice or knowledge to someone. Just offering a listening ear to someone who needs it. Cheering someone up. Hugs. Helping someone out with moving, cooking, cleaning up etc. Taking the lead and creating a fun situation for your friends such as a picnic or a night out on the town. Being totally present in conversation and focused on the other person. This is a quality that I believe is often mentioned about networkers that are great at creating new relationships like Bill Clinton. Now, why should you go to all that trouble and effort? It's easier to just get people to do those things for you instead. Well, here are four reasons. 1. It makes you feel awesome. It's funny, for quite a long time I thought that the way to feel better was to get people to give me things. To give me some kind of value. And that makes you feel good. For a short while. Then your emotions kinda snaps the other way like a rubber band. And, once again, you don't feel so good. Why? Well, you are taking these things and adding them to yourself. But the ego always wants more. The positive feelings you get from whatever you are given wears off pretty quickly. And so you want people to give you more value again. It's like when you buy a new shirt or pair of shoes. You feel great about them for a while but after that they lose their magic. They become “normal”. And so you go the store again. Now, giving value is to a better way to feel good. You control how much value you want to give and how you feel. It's a more consistent way to feel good. To me it's almost always more powerful than the quick hits of positive emotions you get from getting value. But it's a bit counter-intuitive. When you're feeling down, it seems pretty natural to need a compliment to feel better instead of giving someone a compliment. So I have an external reminder in the form of a post-it note on my desk that says: “Feeling bad? Give value.” 2. You tend to get what you give. People often have a strong feeling of wanting to give what they got. Perhaps not right away, but over time reciprocity and a positive relationship can build. And in general, what you give you tend to get back from the world around you. I try to avoid keeping this in the forefront of my mind while giving value though. It's a good idea to do so because if you don't then it may make whatever you doing seem insincere. Like you are just out to get something from the other person. And if you are just doing things for people to get them to do things for you then you may not feel so good about yourself and become a bit negative, irritated or needy. Some people won't reciprocate. They may be totally stuck in a sucking value kind of mode. And well, in time you may naturally feel inclined to give more value to and hang out with people that reciprocate and offer value to you. 3. It makes your life a whole lot more fun. By giving value in a genuine way you tend to take more action than if you are waiting for someone to give you value. And by taking more action and giving more value you tend to – over time – create more interesting and fun situations. Because more action leads to more things happening and more value given leads to more reciprocation from other people. And since you feel awesome from giving value that emotion is of course contagious. So you and the people around feel better and tend to get into a more positive and open mood and frame of mind. 4. It makes it easier to start new relationships. Much of this post is about improving your relationships with people. But it's also a good way to start a relationship. If you read any blogs about blogging then you may have read that a not so useful way to email a blogger and create a relationship with that person is to just ask him/her to do something for you. I agree with that. If someone sends me an email where s/he offers value – perhaps give me a compliment, constructive criticism, offers to help if I would need it in the future – I tend to feel grateful and think that this person who emailed me is a cool and sympathetic person. If I, on the other hand, get an email where someone just wants me to do this or that then that's often a bit of a turn-off. I think this is true in off-line interactions too. Now, how can you bring more value into the lives of the people around you? Think about it from time to time. And take action on your ideas. And remember what Seneca said. “It is another's fault if he be ungrateful, but it is mine if I do not give. To find one thankful man, I will oblige a great many that are not so.” Even though people may not appreciate the value you give you can still feel good about yourself. Their reaction and response is their business. Not a always an easy lesson to incorporate into your own life. But a useful one to keep your mood and belief in yourself from going on an emotional roller coaster controlled by other people's responses to what you do. Like so many other thought habits, this one can take time to change. Over time you can become more and more of person that gives value instead of doing the opposite. And if you are anything like me then you'll slip many times and fall back into the value sucking mode. And that is one reason why I wrote this article. To remind myself of how I can quickly turn a negative mood around and overall make my life a more positive place to be. And more of your time each week with people who are trying to improve themselves and/or are living a good life in a positive, healthy and relaxed way. You may also like: 160 Confidence Quotes: A Guide to Believing In Yourself 101 Courage Quotes That Will Motivate and Inspire You 71 Inspirational Quotes on Understanding 201 Short Quotes and Sayings about Life

“You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.” “The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problem.” “If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.” Mahatma Gandhi needs no long introduction. Everyone knows about the man who lead the Indian people to independence from British rule in 1947. So let's just move on to some of my favorite tips from Mahatma Gandhi. 1. Change yourself. “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” “As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world – that is the myth of the atomic age – as in being able to remake ourselves.” If you change yourself you will change your world. If you change how you think then you will change how you feel and what actions you take. And so the world around you will change. Not only because you are now viewing your environment through new lenses of thoughts and emotions but also because the change within can allow you to take action in ways you wouldn't have – or maybe even have thought about – while stuck in your old thought patterns. And the problem with changing your outer world without changing yourself is that you will still be you when you reach that change you have strived for. You will still have your flaws, anger, laziness , negativity, self-sabotaging tendencies etc. intact. And so in this new situation you will still not find what you hoped for since your mind is still seeping with that negative stuff. And if you get more without having some insight into and distance from your ego it may grow more powerful. Since your ego loves to divide things, to find enemies and to create separation it may start to try to create even more problems and conflicts in your life and world. 2. You are in control. “Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” What you feel and how you react to something is always up to you. There may be a “normal” or a common way to react to different things. But that's mostly just all it is. You can choose your own thoughts, reactions and emotions to pretty much everything. You don't have to overthink , freak out, worry of even react in a negative way. Perhaps not every time or instantly. Sometimes a knee-jerk reaction just goes off. Or an old thought habit kicks in. And as you realize that no-one outside of yourself can actually control how you feel you can start to incorporate this thinking into your daily life and develop it as a thought habit. A habit that you can grow stronger and stronger over time. Doing this makes life a whole lot easier and more pleasurable. 3. Forgive and let it go. “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” “An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.” Fighting evil with evil won't help anyone. And as said in the previous tip, you always choose how to react to something. When you can incorporate such a thought habit more and more into your life then you can react in a way that is more useful to you and others. You realize that forgiving and letting go of the past will do you and the people in your world a great service. And spending your time in some negative memory won't help you after you have learned the lessons you can learn from that experience. You'll probably just cause yourself more suffering and paralyze yourself from taking action in this present moment. If you don't forgive then you let the past and another person to control how you feel. By forgiving you release yourself from those bonds. And then you can focus totally on, for instance, the next point. 4. Without action you aren't going anywhere. “An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching.” Without taking action very little will be done. However, taking action can be hard and difficult. There can be much inner resistance. And so you may resort to preaching, as Gandhi says. Or reading and studying endlessly. And feeling like you are moving forward. But getting little or no practical results in real life. So, to really get where you want to go and to really understand yourself and your world you need to practice. Books can mostly just bring you knowledge. You have to take action and translate that knowledge into results and understanding. Move on to the next point for more on the best tip for taking more action that I have found so far. 5. Take care of this moment. “I do not want to foresee the future. I am concerned with taking care of the present. God has given me no control over the moment following.” The best way that I have found to overcome the inner resistance that often stops us from taking action is to stay in the present as much as possible and to be accepting. Why? Well, when you are in the present moment you don't worry about the next moment that you can't control anyway. And the resistance to action that comes from you imagining negative future consequences – or reflecting on past failures – of your actions loses its power. And so it becomes easier to both take action and to keep your focus on this moment and perform better. Have a look at 8 Ways to Return to the Present Moment for tips on how quickly step into the now. And remember that reconnecting with and staying in the now is a mental habit – a sort of muscle – that you grow. Over time it becomes more powerful and makes it easier to slip into the present moment. 6. Everyone is human. “I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps.” “It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.” When you start to make myths out of people – even though they may have produced extraordinary results – you run the risk of becoming disconnected from them. You can start to feel self-doubt and like you could never achieve similar things that they did because they are so very different. So it's important to keep in mind that everyone is just a human being no matter who they are. And I think it's important to remember that we are all human and prone to make mistakes. Holding people to unreasonable standards will only create more unnecessary conflicts in your world and negativity within you . It's also important to remember this to avoid falling into the pretty useless habit of beating yourself up over mistakes that you have made. And instead be able to see with clarity where you went wrong and what you can learn from your mistake. And then try again. 7. Persist. “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.” Be persistent. In time the opposition around you will fade and fall away. And your inner resistance and self-sabotaging tendencies that want to hold you back and keep you like you have always been will grow weaker. Find what you really like to do. Then it will be easier to stay positive and you'll find the inner motivation to keep going, going and going. You can also find a lot of useful tips on how keep your motivation up in 27 Simple Ways to Motivate Yourself . One reason Gandhi was so successful with his method of non-violence was because he and his followers were so persistent. They just didn't give up. Success or victory will seldom come as quickly as you would have liked it to. I think one of the reasons people don't get what they want is simply because they give up too soon. The time they think an achievement will require isn't the same amount of time it usually takes to achieve that goal. This faulty belief partly comes from the world we live in. A world full of magic pill solutions where advertising continually promises us that we can lose a lot of weight or earn a ton of money in just 30 days. Finally, one useful tip to keep your persistence going is to listen to Gandhi's third quote in this article and keep a sense of humor. It can lighten things up at the toughest of times. 8. See the good in people and help them. “I look only to the good qualities of men. Not being faultless myself, I won't presume to probe into the faults of others.” “Man becomes great exactly in the degree in which he works for the welfare of his fellow-men.” “I suppose leadership at one time meant muscles; but today it means getting along with people.” There is pretty much always something good in people. And things that may not be so good. But you can choose what things to focus on. And if you want improvement then focusing on the good in people is a useful choice. It also makes life easier for you as your world and relationships become more pleasant and positive. And when you see the good in people it becomes easier to motivate yourself to be of service to them. By being of service to other people, by giving them value you not only make their lives better. Over time you tend to get what you give. And the people you help may feel more inclined to help other people. And so you, together, create an upward spiral of positive change that grows and becomes stronger. Nowadays it's easier than ever to help people out and to start such a spiral. You can do via social media, a podcast, a channel on Youtube or you can start a blog like I did. Another tip is to strengthen your social skills. By doing you can become a more influential person and make the upward spiral I mentioned even stronger. Move on to the next tip for more on that. 9. Be congruent, be authentic, be your true self. “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” “Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.” I think that one of the best tips for improving your social skills is to behave in a congruent manner and communicate in an authentic way. People seem to really like authentic communication. And there is much inner enjoyment to be found when your thoughts, words and actions are aligned. You feel powerful and good about yourself . When words and thoughts are aligned then that shows through in your communication. Because now you have your voice tonality and body language – some say they are over 90 percent of communication – in alignment with your words. With these channels in alignment people tend to really listen to what you're saying. You are communicating without incongruency, mixed messages or perhaps a sort of phoniness. Also, if your actions aren't in alignment with what you're communicating then you start to hurt your own belief in what you can do. And other people's belief in you too. 10. Continue to grow and evolve. “Constant development is the law of life, and a man who always tries to maintain his dogmas in order to appear consistent drives himself into a false position.” You can pretty much always improve your skills, habits or re-evaluate your evaluations. You can gain deeper understanding of yourself and the world. Sure, you may look inconsistent or like you don't know what you are doing from time to time. You may have trouble to act congruently or to communicate authentically But if you don't then you will, as Gandhi says, drive yourself into a false position. A place where you try to uphold or cling to your old views to appear consistent while you realize within that something is wrong. It's not a fun place to be. To choose to grow and evolve is a happier and more useful path to take.

Note: This is a guest post by Jennifer of Principles for Peace. Lori Jewett of Between Us Girls wrote an excellent guest post on the Positivity Blog titled 5 Compelling Reasons to be More Assertive. I thought I would follow up with that post on some specific steps, ways to become more assertive. What is assertiveness? First of all, I wanted to clear up any misconceptions about this word assertiveness and what it is. Often when people hear the word assertiveness they think of aggressiveness, being mean, pushy or bossy. While some people are that way, that is actually not assertiveness. Assertiveness is healthy, good for everyone involved. Assertiveness is a way to get your needs met without offending others. It is so powerful, yet no one is hurt. That does not mean that people will not at first reject your new found assertiveness. However, if they do, they will eventually respect you, because real assertiveness involves both respect for yourself and the other person. Before I get into the “how to” of assertiveness, let me first of all say that I used to be the least assertive person ever born. I was always afraid of rejection and wanted to keep the peace. Learning to be assertive gave me so much power and freedom – all at the expense of no one. It gave me all the benefits that Lori outlined in her great post. Some of the material in this post I learned from a non profit program, www.sftawareness.org. I am who I am today because of Ron Wilkins (the pioneer of this program) and Gary Washer, an excellent SFT trainer. The rest of it I learned from experience along the way. Six Never Fail Ways to be Assertive 1. As we have already stated, respect both yourself and the other person (or people) involved. It all starts here. This is the foundation. Respect of everyone is necessary. 2. Always begin with a disarming statement. Begin with any of the following statements. You may find a few others along the way, but these will always work. Choose any one of these depending on the situation and your personal preference. In some instances, you may use more than one, but usually one will suffice: Compliment the other person. The compliment must be sincere. Saying “Thank you.” is considered a compliment, but of course is not the only way. Something like, “You really mean a lot to me” or “Thank you for your advice or “Thank you for your opinion” would be some examples of this. Apologize. Apologize for any part of anything you may have done wrong or apologize that the person took offense to something you have done. Some examples would be “I'm sorry” or “I'm sorry. I really messed up this time” or “I'm really sorry you took offense at what I said (or did).” If you did wrong admit it. If not, you can still apologize without saying you did anything wrong (as in the last example). This is a great one to use for someone who takes things personally. Agree with the person. “You're right….” Is an example. Some other examples are “I can see why you would say that” or “That makes sense.” Acknowledge their thoughts and/or feelings. Everybody wants to be understood. This one shows the person that you are talking to that they are understood. It will require you to hear more than just their words. It requires you to listen and note their body language. Are they flailing their arms around in disgust? You might say something like, “I can see that you are really frustrated” or “I can see that you are very upset about this.” Another one might be “I can see that this makes you sad.” Ask them a question. Say something like, “Do you mind if I ask you a question.” Almost always they will say “yes.” Then, they have given you permission to ask/say what you need to ask or say. It's harder for them to be offended if they have already given you permission to say something. You can often be blunt and get away with it when you first ask permission with a question. Be nice though. :) This is often a good way to help someone see the “light” or see things from a different perspective . 3. Once you use a disarming statement, you then can state your needs – whatever they may be. A full assertive example might be. “Thank you for inviting me. I won't be able to come this time.” If they ask you why you can not come you could say, “I really appreciate the invitation, but I'm very busy tonight – maybe another time.” You have complimented them, stated your needs and not backed down to them. 4. Recognize that just because you state your needs that does not always mean you will always get your needs met. However, if you use a disarming statement you have a much greater chance of getting what you want. Even if you don't get what you want it still feels good to be able to say what you need without offending anyone. 5. Practice. Practice makes perfect. Recognize that it may be scary at first and that it probably won't be perfect. Don't be too hard on yourself. Simply resolve to learn from each attempt how to do it better next time. Becoming assertive may be one of the hardest things you have ever done (it was for me), but learning it and mastering it is one of the most rewarding. Even though I'm still working on mastering it, I now find it fun to come up with an effective assertive statement. 6. Celebrate each success. Give yourself a pat on the back for each time you are assertive. Each attempt will boost your confidence. One of best things about assertiveness is that when you master it, you are often able to be assertive in such a way that you leave people speechless with their jaws dropped. There is nothing left for them to say. It feels so good to do this! Jennifer loves helping people achieve peace, happiness and success in their lives and writes regularly in her blog www.principlesforpeace.com. If you found this article helpful consider subscribing to Jennifer's blog via your reader or if you prefer email subscription you may fill in the form at her site. One of Jennifer's best posts is Steps Needed to Win through Adversity. You may also like: 101 Courage Quotes That Will Motivate and Inspire You 71 Inspirational Quotes on Understanding 201 Short Quotes and Sayings about Life 110 Never Give Up Quotes (+ My 5 Favorite Tips)

“If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.” George F. Burns “Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.” Ovid As you know, stress is no good or fun for you. But what can one do to decrease the amount of negative stress in his or her life? Here are 36 suggestions. You may not want to try them all right now. That would just add to your stress. Try a few of them out and see what works for you. I've put ten of the tips that I think may be most useful at the top of the list. 1. Stay present. Probably my favourite way to decrease stress. It works so well because when you are present you feel centred and you aren't thinking about the past or future (two major causes of worry and stress). How can you reconnect with present moment and what are the other very positive benefits of doing so? One benefit is increased mental clarity. One way to reconnect is to focus on what's right in front of you right now. 2. Accept the situation. Stress is often to a large part resistance to what already is. You may be in a stressful situation and think to yourself that this situation shouldn't be, that you shouldn't be here. But the situation has already arisen, is here, and so are you. So to decrease the stress and resistance you accept the situation. With your resistance gone or lowered you can now direct more of your mental energy and focus to finding a solution in a level-headed manner instead of panicking. Check out this post on acceptance for more on this topic. 3. Get off coffee. In November last year I stopped drinking coffee for 30 days and I have drunk perhaps 4 cups since the beginning of December. Quitting coffee was especially hard during the first week – I felt really tired – but became easier after that. When I was drinking coffee my mind was racing quite a bit, but that wasn't anything I noticed – since I was so accustomed to it – until I gave it up. Quitting this habit has helped to relax more easily and think more clearly. Today I drink a cup or two of green tea on most days, but it is nothing I need to function properly. You can read about this in How I Quit Drinking Coffee and the Benefits I've Experienced. 4. Prioritize, simplify and get organized. One of the big problems with a life filled with stress is that it's filled with too much stuff to do and think about. Another big problem with a life filled with stress is perhaps not that it's filled with things to do but that a lot of those things are stuff you really don't feel like doing. You may feel that it's just something that you should do. Do you really have to do all things in life? Or are some of them just things you do by habit, not knowing really why you are doing them when you think about it? I have found that using the 80/20 rule – also know as the Pareto Principle – to be effective when trying to figure out what's important in your life and what's not really that important. Basically what the 80/20 rule says is that 20 percent of what you do accounts for 80 percent of the value you receive. In your personal life or at work there are a few very important things that you can do. Try to figure out what's really important in your life. What those 20 percent are. Then do as much of that as you can. Try to figure out what isn't that important of the remaining 80 percent. Minimize the time and effort it takes or, if possible, remove it. Then use the new, free time to do more of those really important things or to try new things. You may also want check out Brian Tracy's excellent book Master Your Time. 5. Take everything less seriously. Taking things or yourself overly serious adds a lot of unnecessary negativity and stress to your life. A minor situation may be blown up to a major one in your mind. If you just learn to lighten up a bit, life becomes more fun and you realize that you get great results even if you aren't super-serious about everything. You can read more about what I have learned about this topic right here. 6. Decrease or put a stop to negative relationships. If someone is always making you more stressed or creates a lot of negativity in your life you may want to consider decreasing the amount of time you spend with that person. Some people almost seem to like to dwell in negativity and to a large extent that is quite often their choice (there are of course exceptions). It's your choice if you want to participate. 7. Just move slower. You emotions work backwards too. If you slow down then while walking or moving your body you can often start to feel less stressed (compared to if you move fidgety and at a rapid speed). This allows you to think more clearly too. A stressed mind tends to run in circles a lot of the time. And slowing down to decrease stress goes for other forms of movement too, like riding your bicycle or driving the car. This tip is a personal favourite of mine as it is simple to implement and has worked well many times. 8. Exercise. A simple and time-tested way to decrease inner tension. Regular exercise can do wonders for both your mind and body. If you don't feel like going to the gym, I suggest developing the habit of just doing it! It can come in handy in other situations too. 9. Don't be dependent on other people's validation. Or expectations (imagined or not). It's not a good plan to try to live up to everyone else's expectations. You'll be stressed out and later on possibly burned out. You need to replace your need for validation from others. You do that by validating yourself. And you replace the expectations of others with your own expectations for yourself. Then those imagined or real expectations that are imprisoning you will start to lose their power. How do you go about practically? You think about how awesome you are. You appreciate how far you have come and the positive things you have done. You appreciate your own value in the world. You set goals and you achieve those goals. This builds confidence in yourself and in your abilities. These things will help you to build a habit of inner validation. And so you set standards for yourself and start to like yourself more and more. Instead of seeking to be liked and needing validation so much from other people. 10. Hang out more with non-stressed people. Who you socialize with, the human environment you live in can determine a lot about your stress levels. One way to lower your stress levels is simply to hang out more with relaxed and non-stressed people. Another is to watch and listen to such people. One really relaxed is Eckhart Tolle. Just watching him for perhaps 20 minutes usually lowers my stress levels and makes me feel more centred. 11. Go outside. Just being out in the fresh air can clear your mind and make you feel more relaxed and energized. This has been especially useful here in Sweden for the last few weeks as the sun and warm weather has finally come back. 12. Belly breathing. This is a really easy way to calm yourself down and for me it has worked pretty much every time. If you keep your focus on your belly breaths going in and out then it's also a one good way to reconnect with the present moment. Here's how you go about it: Sit in a relaxing position with your legs apart. Put your hands on your stomach. Using your stomach breathe in slowly through your nose. If you are doing it right your stomach will expand and you'll feel it with your hands. Breathe out slowly through your nose and do it with some force so you feel your stomach pull slightly inwards towards your spine. Breathe in and out 30 times. Take slow and deep breaths. After you have taken 30 breaths and focused on counting them you should not only feel more relaxed and centred. Your body will also be able to continue breathing in this manner without you focusing on it. And that's it. Continue with your normal day. 13. Watch something funny. Laughter is a great stress reliever. A simply and pretty much guaranteed way to laugh a bit is to watch or listen to something funny. I like comedy shows on TV like The Simpsons, American Dad, How I Met Your Mother and Futurama. 14. Balance your social life. If you feel the need to be alone, be alone. If you feel the need to hang out with people, do so. Decide for yourself, don't get too wrapped up in what you feel that you need or don't need to do. If you for instance work from home then you may need to get out in the evenings so you don't get too isolated (sometimes you may even need to force yourself). And if you feel like you have to spend too much of your time with other people – without any time for yourself – then that can also add stress. 15. Take a bath/shower. I don't have a bathtub, but I know that a lot of people really like to wind down and relax by taking a bath. I have however found that something as simple as a shower can make a difference too. It makes you feel fresh and relaxed once again. 16. Find five things you can be grateful for right now. Being grateful and appreciating your life and surroundings is one of the most effective ways to turn a negative emotional state to a more positive one. So find a few things you are grateful for right now. Perhaps it's the sunny weather, that you feel healthy and energetic today, that you have just eaten a delicious after-noon snack, that the guy/gal that just walked by had a great looking jacket on and that tonight there is a new episode of your favourite TV-show to enjoy. 17. Eat slower. If you are wolfing down all your food in a few short minutes then that can really make you feel like you are having a stressful day. Also, it takes about 20 minutes for your brain to register that you're full. That's because your stomach needs to begin stretching before it starts to produce the hormones that tells your brain that you are full. By slowing down your eating your brain can stop you before you eat unnecessarily much. Eating slower can also help prevent digestion problems. 18. Learn to recognize a negative thought spiral. You can gradually learn to be more alert to what thoughts are flowing in your mind. If you notice that you are going down into a negative thought spiral then it's time to either to cut that thread of thought and move your focus to something more useful. Or to just becomes present and observe those thoughts and through that zap away the power they may have over you. 19. Listen to relaxing music. I like to listen to some movie soundtracks, a few classical pieces and some vaguely new agey pop songs (like Cocteau Twins) to help me relax. There are a lot of compilations on CD with relaxing music. Explore those and other sources to find what works for you. 20. Listen to guided meditations. Guided meditations like Paraliminals from the Learning Company have worked well for me. A favourite at the moment is Perfect Health that pretty much always helps me to feel more relaxed and clearheaded after listening to it for 20 minutes. 21. Change your job or living situation. If you have a job or living situation that in some way creates a lot of stress for you then you may at some point need to consider making a change in your life. This is of course easy for me to say. It can be a lot harder to do. On the other hand, if your job or something else is really stressing you out you may at some point need to look at your options before you go into a tailspin and crash. 22. Get enough sleep. When I don't get enough sleep I'm more susceptible to – and have a harder time handling – stress and other kinds of negativity. One tip to improve your sleep is to cut down on caffeine. Another is to wind down before going to sleep. Read a fiction book, watch a bit of TV or something that doesn't make you think too much. Avoid personal development books, non-fiction or other stimulation that can make your mind overly active. Otherwise you may spend an hour or two thinking and spinning in bed before you finally fall asleep. 23. Eat a proper breakfast. If you're already on a low energy level when starting the day then that can make it harder to handle stress while commuting, while in morning meetings etc. Plus, if you get off to a bad start then it's easy to get stuck in that stressed and negative pattern for the rest of the day. 24. Look for solutions. When faced with a challenge that can cause stress, try to direct your focus to solutions rather than to dwelling on the problem for too long. Dwelling only causes more stress and makes your mind less open to finding a solution. Also, when trying to find a solution, try to keep your focus on the abundance and not on a perceived scarcity. This lessens inner tensions and relaxes your mind. You can read more on how to create the very useful abundance mentality here. 25. Find the opportunity hidden within the problem. One thing about problems/challenges is that we often focus on the bad part of them. But there is almost always a good part too. Or at least an opportunity within the problem. Perhaps it teaches us to be more patient, how to live more frugally or become more empathic. Finding this more positive part of the problem reduces its negative emotional impact and you may even start to see the situation as a great opportunity for you. When you are faced with a problem ask yourself: What is the good thing about this? What can I learn from this? And what opportunity can I find within this problem? 26. Be prepared. If you're prepared for whatever you are about to do then you'll feel a lot more confident and calm than if you are badly prepared or not prepared at all. 27. Be early. Just be 10 or 5 minutes early for meetings etc. This very simple tip can cut down on stress quite a bit. 28. Let go of the need to always keep the little things perfect. You may not have to keep everything in perfect order at home all the time. You can also simplify things like dinner plans, grooming and clothing. 29. Take a break. It's easy to get wrapped up what you are doing. And before you know it fatigue and stress may start to creep in. Prevent that by taking regular breaks. If your schedule is really jam-packed, write down and schedule breaks to prevent forgetting or skipping them. 30. Outsource and delegate. If you have a lot to do, you don't have to do everything yourself. There are only so many hours in a day and, at least sometimes, you cannot do everything yourself. Figure out ways to get good people to exchange their time for your money (or some other value like your time or knowledge) or delegate so you can do more of what you really like doing. Or just get some more sleep. 31. Complete tasks. Leaving a task incomplete may seem like a good way to slack off and do something more fun. But not finishing a task can produce low-level stress during the time you are not working on the task. It nags somewhere in the back of your mind. It's a vague, uneasy feeling. Try to gradually make a habit of completing your tasks. This also means you have to know when a task is completed. So set that limit for the task before you begin. Or you may feel like there is always more to do and that you never seem to get done (which causes a lot of stress). 32. Do just one thing at a time. Single tasking and focusing on doing just one thing at a time not only decreases stress but from my experience gets things done a whole lot quicker than if you multitask. 33. Get off the internet. It's easy to become a RSS/Email-junkie. Or a Reddit/Digg-junkie. That's when you check these endless information sources maybe 5, 10 or 20 times a day thinking: “What's new?”. Get off the internet once in a while or as much as you can. Bunch emails/RSS-reading and similar tasks. Disconnect your internet-connection for at least a while each day or week. It not only calms the mind but also lets you get more of the most important stuff in your life done quicker and easier. 34. Talk to people around you about it. Perhaps they can offer you advice that has worked for them or just an ear and some support. Just telling someone about something, just getting it out can often help to relieve some of the stress. 35. Desensitize yourself. If you find a particular situation – for instance meeting new people or trying something new – stressful then one way to lower that stress is simply to get used to the situation. By putting yourself in that situation over and over you become desensitized to it. And the situation becomes more and more normal and less stressful for you. 36. Do what you really like to do. It might be playing with your children, fishing, playing video games/board games/water polo, collecting something, writing or painting. Or something entirely else. Whatever it is, do it on a regular basis. And perhaps try to find time do it more – and/or in a better and more focused way – than you do today. Immersing yourself in such a joyous activity is a great and rewarding break from the stress of your life. What is your best tip for relieving stress?

“The artist is a receptacle for emotions that come from all over the place: from the sky, from the earth, from a scrap of paper, from a passing shape, from a spider's web.” “Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot, others transform a yellow spot into the sun.” Pablo Picasso was a Spanish painter, sculptor and creator in many creative fields. He's perhaps the most well-known painter from all of the 20:th century. He also had some interesting things to say about life. Here are my 7 favourite tips from him. 1. You have to believe to be able to do. “He can who thinks he can, and he can't who thinks he can't. This is an inexorable, indisputable law.” This is a great quote because it doesn't just say that you should “believe in yourself!. It explains why you need to believe in yourself and your ability to do something to actually do it. The funny thing is that it's hard to see how much your beliefs control your performance and how you see your world when you are used at looking at things from just one perspective. When you think you can do something instead of not your perception of that thing changes. And your perception of yourself too. Without those changed perspectives it will be hard to find the courage, motivation, enthusiasm and whatever else you may need. And then there are self-fulfilling prophecies. If you think you'll fail you are likely to hold you self back or even trip yourself up (sometimes unconsciously). If you on the other hand think you can do something your mind will start to find solutions and focus on fixing things instead of whining about them. From all of the stimuli around you things, solutions and opportunities will just start to pop up. Without that focus on the right thing, on your ability to do, your mind may not find the resources and solutions that are needed. 2. Push your limits. “I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” Pushing yourself and stretching is necessary to grow. And the more you push yourself the quicker you can grow. But it can be scary. My best tip so far: stay present as much as you can while doing something you cannot yet do. This can greatly decrease possible negative feelings that are holding you back. And with those feelings out of your mind and body it becomes easier to focus, to feel positive feelings and actually perform well and learn to do whatever you have set your mind upon. For tips on that check out 8 Ways to Return to the Present Moment . My three favourites among that bunch are at the moment: focus on what's right in front of you, pick up the vibe from present people (I listen to Eckhart Tolle cds very often) and focusing on your breathing. 3. Don't wait for inspiration or the right moment. “Inspiration exists, but it has to find us working.” Inspiration can show up on its own, waltzing in through a door or a window. But doing things that way makes work inconsistent – both in quality and quantity – and you spend a lot of time waiting. I find that it's better to follow Pablo's suggestion and just start working. For the first minutes what you do may suck quite a bit and it's hard going. But after a while inspiration seems to catch up with you. Things start to flow easier and your work is of a higher quality. If you feel inspired one day that's great. Use your inspiration. But don't limit yourself to the moments where you feel inspired or you feel like the moment is just right to do something. Act instead. A lot of the time you can find inspiration along the way. Or accomplish whatever you want to do despite the moment not looking just as you would like it to. 4. Act. “Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.” “Action is the foundational key to all success.” I know. If you have been reading this blog for a while you may have noticed that taking action is included in a lot of the articles. But that's because, as Picasso says, action is the foundation. Without taking action any information – no matter how useful – will be pretty useless. This is also the part of personal growth or just life that is often forgotten or perhaps avoided. It's scary. It can feel difficult to do it. Or you may not feel like it's the right moment now. But developing a habit of taking more and more action can make a huge difference. Have a look at How to Take More Action for help to develop such a habit. 5. Ask the right questions. “Others have seen what is and asked why. I have seen what could be and asked why not.” It's easy to ask yourself the wrong questions. To ask yourself questions that just will give you answers that confirm that you are incompetent, foolish, wrong and tell you that your future is limited. Questions that will sink you instead of help to lift you up. So instead, ask yourself empowering questions. When having a seemingly negative experience ask yourself: what is good about this? What can I learn from this? There is always something you can learn and have use for to create positive experiences later on. When interacting with others ask yourself: How can I bring even more value (understanding, help, practical solutions, fun, excitement etc.) to this interaction? In just about any situation you can always ask yourself: what's great about this situation/experience? This is a quick way to shift your mood and thoughts into more positive, resourceful and empowered forms through gratitude. There are of course many more empowering questions you can ask yourself. I think the main point is to reframe the questions you ask yourself into positive questions that open up – instead of closes – the door to opportunities and possibilities. 6. See the hidden beauty by not judging. “If only we could pull out our brain and use only our eyes.” One of big advantages of becoming more present in your everyday life is that you decrease the amount of analyzing and labeling you do to the things/people in your surroundings. You don't judge as much. This might sound strange but in the moments when you are present the ordinary world becomes more interesting and wonderful. Colors can seem brighter. Your see more aliveness in trees, nature and in people. You see the wonder of all your man-made gadgets and stuff. Things that most often seem common, routine and boring become fascinating and something you can appreciate. It's like you are observing your world with more clarity and curiousness. Like a little kid again, discovering things while they still feel fresh. Before they have just become walking, talking and growing labels with years of associations and thoughts attached. This is a bit like the first tip in this article. Before you actually use it – if you just think about it in your mind – it may not make that much sense. I highly recommend reading/listening to Eckhart Tolle to gain a deeper understanding of being present. He and Oprah are doing free 90 minute talks about his book A New Earth right now. Check out the book and those webcasts. 7. It's not too late. “Youth has no age. Don't let social conditioning tell you what you can or cannot do just because you are of one age or another. Age is most of the time just in your head anyway. Take tip #1 into consideration and choose for yourself what you can do. And use tip # 6 and ask yourself the right questions instead of ones that limit you. And, remember, the present moment s all there ever is anyway. So don't get caught up in the past too much. Most of the time you really don't have to act consistently with what you have done before. If you do, then that's your choice. And you can decide to do something different too. Right now. It is really only too late to change if you look at your life as a time-line. If you learn to become more present, if you learn to live more in the now, much of that thinking just falls away. You realize that you can consciously choose and do pretty much whatever you like in the present moment and built a future with new possibilities.

I am 28 now. I don't think about the past or regret things much these days. But sometimes I wish that I had known some of things I have learned over the last few years a bit earlier. That perhaps there had been a self-improvement class in school. And in some ways there probably was. Because some of these 16 things in this article a teacher probably spoke about in class. But I forgot about them or didn't pay attention. Some of it would probably not have stuck in my mind anyway. Or just been too far outside my reality at the time for me to accept and use. But I still think that taking a few hours from all those German language classes and use them for some personal development classes would have been a good idea. Perhaps for just an hour a week in high school. It would probably be useful for many students and on a larger scale quite helpful for society in general. So here are 16 things I wish they had taught me in school (or I just would like to have known about earlier). Bonus: Download the free 21 Things I Wish They Had Taught Me in School Guide (including 5 bonus tips and strategies that are not in this post). 1. The 80/20 rule. This is one of the best ways to make better use of your time. The 80/20 rule – also known as The Pareto Principle – basically says that 80 percent of the value you will receive will come from 20 percent of your activities. So a lot of what you do is probably not as useful or even necessary to do as you may think. You can just drop – or vastly decrease the time you spend on – a whole bunch of things. And if you do that you will have more time and energy to spend on those things that really brings your value, happiness, fulfilment and so on. 2. Parkinson's Law. You can do things quicker than you think. This law says that a task will expand in time and seeming complexity depending on the time you set aside for it. For instance, if you say to yourself that you'll come up with a solution within a week then the problem will seem to grow more difficult and you'll spend more and more time trying to come up with a solution. So focus your time on finding solutions. Then just give yourself an hour (instead of the whole day) or the day (instead of the whole week) to solve the problem. This will force your mind to focus on solutions and action. The result may not be exactly as perfect as if you had spent a week on the task, but as mentioned in the previous point, 80 percent of the value will come from 20 percent of the activities anyway. Or you may wind up with a better result because you haven't overcomplicated or overpolished things. This will help you to get things done faster, to improve your ability to focus and give you more free time where you can totally focus on what's in front of you instead of having some looming task creating stress in the back of your mind. 3. Batching. Boring or routine tasks can create a lot of procrastination and low-level anxiety. One good way to get these things done quickly is to batch them. This means that you do them all in row. You will be able to do them quicker because there is less start-up time compared to if you spread them out. And when you are batching you become fully engaged in the tasks and more focused. A batch of things to do in an hour today may look like this: Clean your desk / answer today's emails / do the dishes / make three calls / write a grocery shopping list for tomorrow. 4. First, give value. Then, get value. Not the other way around. This is a bit of a counter-intuitive thing. There is often an idea that someone should give us something or do something for us before we give back. The problem is just that a lot of people think that way. And so far less than possible is given either way. If you want to increase the value you receive (money, love, kindness, opportunities, a bigger audience for what you create etc.) you have to increase the value you give. Because over time you pretty much get what you give. It would perhaps be nice to get something for nothing. But that seldom happens. 5. Be proactive. Not reactive. This one ties into the last point. If everyone is reactive then very little will get done. You could sit and wait and hope for someone else to do something. And that happens pretty often, but it can take a lot of time before it happens. A more useful and beneficial way is to be proactive, to simply to stop being lazy and be the one to take the first practical action and get the ball rolling. This not only saves you a lot of waiting, but is also more pleasurable since you feel like you have the power over your life. Instead of feeling like you are run by a bunch of random outside forces. 6. Mistakes and failures are good. When you are young you just try things and fail until you learn. As you grow a bit older, you learn from – for example – school to not make mistakes. And you try less and less things. This may cause you to stop being proactive and to fall into a habit of being reactive, of waiting for someone else to do something. I mean, what if you actually tried something and failed ? Perhaps people would laugh at you? Perhaps they would. But when you experience that you soon realize that it is seldom the end of the world. And a lot of the time people don't care that much. They have their own challenges and lives to worry about. And success in life often comes from not giving up despite mistakes and failure. It comes from being persistent. When you first learn to ride your bike you may fall over and over. Bruise a knee and cry a bit. But you get up, brush yourself off and get on the saddle again. And eventually you learn how to ride a bike. If you can just reconnect to your 5 year old self and do things that way – instead of giving up after a try/failure or two as grown-ups often do -you would probably experience a lot more interesting things, learn valuable lessons and have quite a bit more success. 7. Don't beat yourself up. Why do people give up after just few mistakes or failures? Well, I think one big reason is because they beat themselves up way too much . But it's a kinda pointless habit. It only creates additional and unnecessary pain inside you and wastes your precious time. It's best to try to drop this habit as much as you can. 8. Assume rapport. Meeting new people is fun. But it can also induce nervousness. We all want to make a good first impression and not get stuck in an awkward conversation. The best way to do this that I have found so far is to assume rapport. This means that you simply pretend that you are meeting one of your best friends. Then you start the interaction in that frame of mind instead of the nervous one. This works surprisingly well. 9. Use your reticular activation system to your advantage. I learned about the organs and the inner workings of the body in class but nobody told me about the reticular activation system. And that's a shame, because this is one of the most powerful things you can learn about. What this focus system, this R.A.S, in your mind does is to allow you to see in your surroundings what you focus your thoughts on. It pretty much always helps you to find what you are looking for. So you really need to focus on what you want, not on what you don't want. And keep that focus steady. Setting goals and reviewing them frequently is one way to keep your focus on what's important and to help you take action that will move your closer to toward where you want to go. Another way is just to use external reminders such as pieces of paper where you can, for instance, write down a few things from this post like “Give value” or “Assume rapport”. And then you can put those pieces of paper on your fridge, bathroom mirror etc. 10. Your attitude changes your reality. We have all heard that you should keep a positive attitude or perhaps that “you need to change your attitude!”. That is a nice piece of advice I suppose, but without any more reasons to do it is very easy to just brush such suggestions off and continue using your old attitude. But the thing that I've discovered the last few years is that if you change your attitude, you actually change your reality. When you for instance use a positive attitude instead of a negative one you start to see things and viewpoints that were invisible to you before. You may think to yourself “why haven't I thought about things this way before?”. When you change your attitude you change what you focus on. And all things in your world can now be seen in a different light. This is of course very similar to the previous tip but I wanted to give this one some space. Because changing your attitude can create an insane change in your world. It might not look like it if you just think about it though. Pessimism might seem like realism. But that is mostly because your R.A.S is tuned into seeing all the negative things you want to see. And that makes you “right” a lot of the time. And perhaps that is what you want. On the other hand, there are more fun things than being right all the time. If you try changing your attitude for real – instead of analyzing such a concept in your mind – you'll be surprised. 11. Gratitude is a simple way to make yourself feel happy. Sure, I was probably told that I should be grateful. Perhaps because it was the right thing to do or just something I should do. But if someone had said that feeling grateful about things for minute or two is a great way to turn a negative mood into a happy one I would probably have practiced gratitude more. It is also a good tool for keeping your attitude up and focusing on the right things. And to make other people happy. Which tends to make you even happier, since emotions are contagious. 12. Don't compare yourself to others. The ego wants to compare. It wants to find reasons for you to feel good about yourself (“I've got a new bike!”). But by doing that it also becomes very hard to not compare yourself to others who have more than you (“Oh no, Bill has bought an even nicer bike!”). And so you don't feel so good about yourself once again. If you compare yourself to others you let the world around control how you feel about yourself. It always becomes a roller coaster of emotions. A more useful way is to compare yourself to yourself. To look at how far you have come, what you have accomplished and how you have grown. It may not sound like that much fun but in the long run it brings a lot more inner stillness, personal power and positive feelings. 13. 80-90% of what you fear will happen never really come into reality. This is a big one. Most things you fear will happen never happen. They are just monsters in your own mind. And if they happen then they will most often not be as painful or bad as you expected. Worrying is most often just a waste of time. This is of course easy to say. But if you remind yourself of how little of what you feared throughout your life that has actually happened you can stop worrying more and more. 14. Don't take things too seriously. It's very easy to get wrapped up in things. But most of the things you worry about never come into reality. And what may seem like a big problem right now you may not even remember in three years. Taking yourself, your thoughts and your emotions too seriously often just seems to lead to more unnecessary suffering. So relax a little more and lighten up a bit. It can do wonders for your mood and as an extension of that; your life. 15. Write everything down. If your memory is anything like mine then it's like a leaking bucket. Many of your good or great ideas may be lost forever if you don't make a habit of writing things down. This is also a good way to keep your focus on what you want. 16. There are opportunities in just about every experience. In pretty much any experience there are always things that you can learn from it and things within the experience that can help you to grow. Negative experiences, mistakes and failure can sometimes be even better than a success because it teaches you something totally new, something that another success could never teach you. Whenever you have a negative experience ask yourself: where is the opportunity in this? What is good about this situation? One negative experience can – with time – help you create many very positive experiences. Here’s the next step… Now, you may think to yourself: “This is really helpful information. But what’s the easiest way to put this into practice and actually make a real change in my life?”. Well, I’ve got something special for you… A free guide that includes all the habits and strategies in this article… plus 5 additional bonus tips. Download it now by entering your email below.

Note: This is a guest post by Andrew Rondeau. Remember the times you have been a member of an audience. It could be on a course, at a team meeting or on a night out. Which ones do you remember? The really great ones and, maybe the really bad ones. Why? It may be because you remember the presenters / speakers being dynamic, engaging, and inspirational. Alternatively, if they were bad the complete opposite. Didn't those engaging presenters who made everything simple and entertaining, with seemingly little effort, jump into your mind first? What was it that made them excellent presenters? How come they are making the presentations so engaging and fun? What are they doing that's different? Tap Into Our Imagination In my experience, the use of stories makes the difference between a really great speaker and a bad one. Stories bring things to life. They tap into our imagination to see and do things differently. They touch our emotions and help us understand. The best stories make us think: what would I have done in that situation? How could I do that? What would it be like here if we could achieve that? If they can do it, then why can't I? All you need are some stories and the courage to tell them. Bring your team meetings and workshops to life through telling stories. Coach people with stories to inspire them to find an answer. Most of the best stories in life contain the same simple ingredients: good characters, a difficult problem or challenge, attempts to beat that problem and a powerful conclusion. Identify the message you want to communicate and look for stories that you can tell which visualise your message and bring it to life. 4 Techniques to Improve Your Storytelling 1. Theatrical. Get people's attention and then hold their attention by varying your voice and you use silence effectively. Sometimes you will be talking very softly and then “PAY ATTENTION because I'm about to say something VERY IMPORTANT”. If you talk in a monotone, it will be hard for people to pay attention. And until you have their rapt attention, you're not about to change their views on anything significant. So you need not their background attention, but part of their mind where they're sitting on the edge of their seats and hanging on your every word. Until you have that kind of attention, you're really wasting your breath. 2. Negative stories. The kind of story that will get the attention of the audience is a negative story, a story that is unexpected and relevant to the listener. Studies have shown that we pay much more attention to things that are negative. So you can use this for attention by dwelling on the negative. You can, for instance, tell a story about the audience's problems if you know what their problems are and the things that they are currently worried about. Say, “Let me tell you about your problems. Those problems are worse than you think they are! Let me tell you how bad they really are! And if fact, they're going to get worse. Let me tell how really bad they're going to become!” Now they are listening because you're telling them a story about something that's relevant to them. It's unexpected, it's relevant, and it's negative. And so that's a story that's negative and it gets attention. 3. Positive stories. To stimulate the audience's desire for change, another crucial step is you tell a story that's positive in tone, particularly one that's a true story that's about something that's happened, where the change has already happened. And it's the positive tone of the story that can stimulate desire for positive change. 4. Reinforce the future. Once you've got people wanting something to change, then reinforce that with stories about the future, about what the change will bring and how it will be implemented and why it will work. These are fairly neutral stories; they are neither negative nor positive. Understand the difference. And so it is understanding the different role of stories, negative stories to get attention, positive stories to stimulate desire, and these neutral future stories that reinforce the reasons for undertaking this change. Andrew Rondeau writes about ways to eliminate the loneliness and fear of being a manager.

“A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.” Victor Hugo “Do not offer a compliment and ask a favor at the same time. A compliment that is charged for is not valuable.” Mark Twain Compliments. Some are sincere. Some are quite the opposite. Some like to get them. Some feel a little uneasy and self-conscious about them. And from time to time I think to myself that there is too few of them. They are underused and underrated and are often forgotten among gossip, negative self-talk and complaints about the boss, the job, the weather and milk prices. Negative observations about reality are plentiful. Positive observations are much fewer. So, here are 5 compelling reasons why it's a good choice to use more genuine compliments in your day to day life. And a bit further down, three tips on how to give them. You can make someone's day . That's a nice thing to do. Increased positivity. Keeping your focus on the positive parts in people expands your own positivity. You'll notice more positive things about yourself, your own life and other things in your surroundings. What you focus on in your everyday life you'll see everywhere, not just in other people. You get what you give. Don't keep this in the forefront of your mind while giving a compliment. It may make the compliment seem insincere and like you are just out to get something from the other person. But still, people often have a strong feeling of wanting to give what they got. Perhaps not right away, but over time reciprocity and a positive relationship can build. And in general, what you give you tend to get back from the world around you. Attractiveness. Positivity, appreciation and being able to genuinely express yourself are three attractive traits both in personal and professional relationships. People tend to want to hang around and work with people that have such traits. It's fun. :) When you give a genuine compliment you ignite a spark of happy feelings inside of yourself. Now, here are three tips for sharpening your compliment giving skills. The compliment has to be genuine. Otherwise you are just trying to take something from the one you are complimenting. And that will not work so well. Your insincerity will often shine through. A compliment delivered with positive words but with a body language and voice tonality – the two most important parts of interpersonal communication – that aren't saying the same thing may often not go over so well. And the rule that you get what you give still applies. What you feel when you deliver the compliment will come through. So make sure that there is a genuine feeling behind the words. Cultivate a habit of appreciation. This will let you discover all the genuinely nice things about people. With this filter closed it will be harder to see the positive things in people and to give compliments that are actually totally genuine. Try to appreciate the things around you – your home, friends, family, co-workers, computer, weather, food etc. – a few minutes a day to build this habit. Compliment on something the other person feels is important to him/her. It may be – at least in some cases – a good practice to not compliment on something that the other person doesn't have much control over. Or something that he or she has been complimented on a thousand times before. Looks and other more superficial stuff are examples of such things. A compliment that is kinda expected will not be that powerful. And even though your compliment is genuine it may just be lumped together with all those other similar and not so genuine compliments the person has received. Instead, observe what makes this person tick. What are his/her passions, qualities, interests and proudest achievements? What can you genuinely appreciate about those things? And finally, remember, pretty much no matter what the response is you can still feel good about giving a compliment. As Seneca says in tip # 5 : how the other person responds – what s/he says or feels – isn't your responsibility. You may also like: 10 Things to Do on Days When You Just Want to Give Up 101 Courage Quotes That Will Motivate and Inspire You 201 Short Quotes and Sayings about Life

“Life, if well lived, is long enough.” “I don't consider myself bald, I'm just taller than my hair.” About 2000 years ago a lived a man named Lucius Annaeus Seneca. He was a man of many talents. He was a philosopher, statesman, dramatist, humorist and tutor/advisor for the famous emperor Nero. Together with Nero and others he ruled Rome during the first nine years of the emperor's reign. Only a few years later his influence over Nero and Rome came to an end. Nero suspected Seneca to be involved in failed attempt to assassinate the emperor. He ordered his former friend to take his own life. Which Seneca did. But during his years on earth Seneca said some very useful things about life. Here are 10 of my favourite fundamentals from Seneca on how to find happiness. 1. Happiness is optional. “A man's as miserable as he thinks he is.” What you think about most of the time you become. If you see the world and yourself through a lens smudged by negativity then you'll find much misery. If you look outwards and inwards through lens brightened by positivity you'll find much to be happy and appreciative about. So being happy or miserable is seldom so much about the external circumstances at the moment. It's more about how you look at them, yourself and your world. Now, thinking about things with a positive attitude is easier said than done. But you can shift a negative attitude into a more positive one. It will probably not happen like flicking on a light switch, but gradually you can spend more time with a positive attitude than a negative one. 2. You don't have to create anger and other negative feelings. “A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle unless there be two.” Sometimes it is of course necessary to bring up and resolve a conflict. Often though, conflicts or quarrels are just a waste of time and good way to create negativity within and in your environment. Perhaps someone wants to be right. Or release pent up emotions created elsewhere. Avoid taking such bait by others or giving in to temporary negativity in yourself. Just let it go. 3. Grow and deepen. “As long as you live, keep learning how to live.” Each day, month and year we can learn more about how to live in better way. Getting to know yourself and the world around you is simply an awesome way to find more depth in yourself and to handle and manage your life and happiness better and better. How can you learn to live? Learn from others. There is a vast selection of books, cds and dvds from all ages on what people have found out throughout their own lives. Make it a habit of exploring such material and talking to people around you about what they have learned about life. Learn from yourself. What you learn from others can have a bad habit of not sticking so well. But if you are open to what you can learn from your own mistakes and successes then there is much to be found there. And lessons to revise over and over again as you discover new things and that your old assumptions may not have been as correct or useful as you believed. 4. Will more solve your problems? “For many men, the acquisition of wealth does not end their troubles, it only changes them.” “It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor.” “What difference does it make how much you have? What you do not have amounts to much more.” Society is to a large degree built on getting more. Of course, to a degree this is very useful. But it may not be the thing that will solve all your problems. You may not find your answer or happiness in more. It may just alter your troubles and problems. And/or give you more of them. What is already there inside of you perhaps gets highlighted and magnified when you get more. Instead of getting whatever you want when finally making all that money your wanted you may find that greed, jealousy and selfishness within you and in your world increases. You may have thought that when you finally arrived at that place your problems would just disappear. But the ego always wants more and is never satisfied. So trying to fill yourself up with more – money, power, smartness, prettiness, a feeling of being more enlightened than others :) – and then finally becoming happy may become like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom. 5. Give without wanting something in return. “He that does good to another does good also to himself.” “It is another's fault if he be ungrateful, but it is mine if I do not give. To find one thankful man, I will oblige a great many that are not so.” Shared joy is increased joy. And one of the best ways to become happier is simply to make others happier. When you do that positive feelings seem to be generated from within. And when you make someone else happy you can also sense, see, feel and hear it. And that happy feeling flows back to you. And since the Law of Reciprocity is strong there is another upside. People will feel like giving back to you. And so the two – or more – of you keep building an upward spiral of positivity and happiness. Seneca has a very good point here about how it is your responsibility to give and the receiver's responsibility to be thankful. But just because s/he may not be thankful doesn't mean that you can't feel happiness or should stop giving. I also think it's important to try and give without wanting something in return (something that is not always easy though). Why? Because if you give something but your mind and body says that you are just doing it to get something in return then that will often shine through. People will see and feel it in your reactions and your general vibe. And so they are less likely to be thankful or reciprocate. Giving, at it's finest and for maximum usefulness for all involved, has to be genuine. 6. Know what you are looking for. “If a man knows not what harbor he seeks, any wind is the right wind.” If you don't know what you are looking for you probably won't wind up finding it. You'll just drift along with different currents and winds. So you need to know what you actually want. Then set a direction and keep your focus on that direction. Then it will not only be easier to reach your destination but also to use the focus system in your mind – your reticular activation system – to help you filter out information and opportunities that can help you along and that previously may have just blended into the background of your world. 7. Laugh “It is more fitting for a man to laugh at life than to lament over it.” “No one is laughable who laughs at himself.” Taking things too seriously can make life a lot harder and painful than it needs to be. It may be a common or “normal” way to look at things. But you are always free to choose how to view, react and think about things. Taking things and yourself less seriously can really help you to decrease conflicts, anger, sadness and anxiety. And laughing at the life and yourself releases tension and tends to make you less susceptible to the gray and dreary clouds of negativity that may plague others. Check out Lighten Up! for more on this . 8. Excess may not be the key. “It is quality rather than quantity that matters.” “It is the sign of a great mind to dislike greatness, and to prefer things in measure to things in excess.” I guess this one ties in to # 4: to seek happiness in more. An excess of things may often look wonderful when you imagine it. But when you actually get it and are taking it all in then it loses the magic you imagined. So quality and moderation may bring more joy than an excess. The first five pieces of candy always taste better than the rest. And if you eat the whole bag of candy you often wind up feeling a bit nauseous and sick. One awesome gadget or tool is often better than five OK ones. One great looking shirt or skirt often brings more joy than five OK looking ones. 9. Be in charge of yourself and do a great job. “Life's like a play: it's not the length, but the excellence of the acting that matters.” “Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.” “Wisdom allows nothing to be good that will not be so forever; no man to be happy but he that needs no other happiness than what he has within himself; no man to be great or powerful that is not master of himself.” Just going along with whatever happens and just doing your job may not bring much happiness. But taking control of your own life – instead of floating along – and doing a great job brings satisfaction and joy. Not just from the people around you but from within. When you feel like you are in charge of your own life and that you are doing your best there is an exhilaration and happiness that you create inside of yourself. Such a self-generated happiness makes sure that external circumstances – that always fluctuate – have less of an impact on how you feel. 10. Live in the present. “There is no person so severely punished, as those who subject themselves to the whip of their own remorse.” “True happiness is… to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future.” “There are more things to alarm us than to harm us, and we suffer more often in apprehension than reality.” What is there? Tomorrow isn't here yet. Yesterday has passed. Now is the present moment. And all three of them are always the present moment when we are living in them. So there is no real space where you and I can change or live in except the one you and me are in right now. And now. And now. But still we insist to spend much time regretting yesterday. Or fearing tomorrow. That's normal. But it's isn't so useful. We can't really do anything about the past. We can learn valuable lessons from it but after that it's not so important. And most of the things we fear will happen in the future never really show up. A negative attitude can do wonders to create monsters within the mind to occupy much of your time. So, planning your future is very useful but over thinking it is seldom helpful. So much time is lost thinking compulsively, over and over again, about things we have little control over. And it can create a huge amount of suffering inside that is projected and acted out into the world. And it distracts us – blurs our vision and shatters our focus – and keeps us from fully enjoying what is really the most important time. Now.

Image by goodsurfers2008 ( license ). “It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.” Leonardo Da Vinci To get things done you need to take action. Things seldom happen on their own. But taking action can be difficult and hard. And so it's easy to wind up being lazy or in Procrastinationland a lot. How can you break out of such behaviour and develop a behaviour of taking more action? Here are 10 tips that you'll hopefully find useful. 1. Reconnect with the present moment. This will help you snap out of over thinking and just go and do whatever you want to get done. This is probably the best tip I have found so far for taking more action since it puts you in a state where you feel little emotional resistance to the work you'll do. And it puts you in state where the right actions often just seem to flow out of you in a focused but relaxed way and without much effort. One of the simplest ways to connect with the present moment is just to keep your focus on you breathing for a minute or two. 2. Be accountable to others. If you tell a bunch of people that you are going to do something then it will be hard to not do it. You don't want to disappoint them. Or have to face up to them the next time you meet. If you have a hard time getting going with something get some support. If you for instance workout, do it with a friend to motivate each other to take action – and actually go to the gym – when motivation runs low. Motivating each other and bringing enthusiasm when one of you is feeling low can really help to develop consistency and useful habits. Think about how you can involve others to help all of you to take more action (no matter if that's about your health, starting your own blog or business or spending more time on your hobby). This tip works well. But it can put you in situation where you take action to avoid pain, to avoid judgement. And it can help you create pressure within yourself. Such a state may not always be the best one to be in to take action and perform well. One way to lessen such problems is to use this tip and then when you are about to take action you reconnect with the present moment to quiet negativity within yourself. 3. Be accountable to yourself. In the long run a more consistent and perhaps healthier way to develop a habit of taking more action is to answer to yourself instead of others. To set your own standards and principles for how you will behave. The problem with this one is that you are likely to cheat on yourself and rationalize how you don't need to take action or follow your principles. When the social pressure of having to answer to others isn't there it's easy to slip and fall into laziness or procrastination. But over time you can become more and more consistent with acting according to your own standards. I believe that one of the keys to develop this kind of thinking is to get off a dependence on external validation and be more internally validated. If you can develop accountability to your own standards then it can be more consistent than the one you get from relying on being accountable to others. It comes from within so it doesn't have to rely on other, outer circumstances that may fluctuate. It is also very useful to help you feel good about yourself and to help you grow. If you rely on being accountable to others and their validation then you may grow but also feel confined by what others expect from you. If you are accountable to yourself then you set your limits wherever you want them. 4. Lighten up. One way to dissuade yourself from taking action is to take whatever you are about to do too seriously. That makes it feel too big, too difficult and too scary. If you on the other hand relax a bit and lighten up you often realize that those problems and negative feelings are just something you are creating in your own mind . With a lighter state of mind your tasks seems lighter and becomes easier to get started with. 5. Use a limited to-do list. A to-do list is a simple and great way to remember what you are about to do. But it's easy to get overly enthusiastic when writing it and putting in to many items. And then when you look at that big list you feel drained and an urge to procrastinate. But do you need to do all those things? Think about what the absolutely most important items on the list are. Just two or three. Then put them on a new to-do list. This list will seem less daunting and I have found that it makes it easier to actually take action and get those things done. 6. Choose instead of should. Here's a small but useful tip. You don't really need to do anything. You always choose what to do. Thinking about things this way removes the “shoulds” and “need tos” that take your personal power away and make you feel like you aren't in control . When you think that you choose to do whatever you do then you regain the control and power. And it becomes easier to take action. 7. Focus on the how instead of the if's. What if's can really mess with your mind. You can spend days, weeks or years thinking about what may happen if you take action. So instead of letting your mind get lost in what if's focus on the how. In a situation focus on how you can do something , how you can solve a problem or achieve a goal. Do some research if you need to. Or get support and help from other people. Focusing on the how puts your mind to better use and creates a positive attitude within rather than a negative and uncertain one. This makes it easier to take action without too much hand wringing and time spent over thinking things. 8. Get enthusiastic. Enthusiasm is great emotional state to be in to get going and take action. And if you aren't feeling enthusiastic then that's OK too. You can pretty much always create enthusiasm within yourself. 9. Start small. To get from a state where you just feel like sitting on your chair and doing nothing much – or to one where you take action over and over you can do this: start small. Getting started with your biggest task or most difficult action may seem too much and land you in Procrastinationland. Or leave you in a headspace where you can stop overthinking . So instead, start with something that doesn't seem so hard. One of my favorites is simply to take a few minutes to clean my desk. After that the next thing doesn't seem so difficult to get started with since I'm now in a more of a take action kind of mode.

Knowledge is power and enthusiasm pulls the switch. Steve Droke Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Douglas MacArthur Enthusiasm is wonderful. Why? Off the top of my head, here are four powerful reasons: It makes life a lot more fun. Feeling unenthusiastic, bored and apathetic isn't pleasurable or fun. It makes life dreary, slow and painful. Enthusiasm on the other hand is like an inner sun that makes life easier, shinier and more enjoyable. It's attractive to people. Enthusiasm is probably one of the most attractive qualities a person can have. It's a quality that makes you attractive in all kinds of relationship – personal or professional – and it's a wonderful quality to find in other people. It tends to make all kinds of interactions and relationships whole lot more fun and with enthusiasm you can fulfill more of the potential of any situation or experience. Powerful communication. Hail the almighty body language and voice tonality when you want to communicate something. If you are enthusiastic it not only makes you more attractive, it also makes your words and message so much more powerful since when you are feeling enthusiastic then that feeling comes through in your body language and voice tonality. And those two parts of make up over 90 percent of communication. It gets things done. As Steve Droke says above: enthusiasm is the switch. With enthusiasm things get done and they often get done better and more easily than if you were to muster up the will to do them in an unenthusiastic way. Now. Those are some good reasons to become more enthusiastic more of the time. But how? Here are seven tips that I have used over the years. And it may be good to remember that the more you practise being enthusiastic the easier to it becomes to be enthusiastic. 1. Find out what you really like to do. This is the most important tip as it can generate enormous and sustained amounts of enthusiasm without you having to do much about it at all. Enthusiasm will flow naturally a lot of the time when you are doing whatever you really like to do. Some examples of such activities may include meeting new people, helping others, go fishing, listening to and talking about music, workout etc. If you can spend more time doing those activities that make you enthusiastic then you are likely to feel enthusiastic more of the time. Perhaps you can even make a living off one of your favourite activities. 2. Go deeper, learn more. Over the years I have time after time discovered how enthusiasm can work. If you are not enthusiastic it is often because you don’t know enough about the person/topic/job. It’s easy to get stuck in preconceptions about something or someone. But if you go deeper, you will often find fascinating stuff that will spark your enthusiasm. So just start, get going and a lot of the time enthusiasm will find you along the way. 3. See what's positive in any situation. Then build on that to get your enthusiasm going. Perhaps it's just a thing or two. But that glimmer of positivity can be a starting point to change your perspective to a more positive one where you can find enthusiasm. And whatever the situation you are in will often be easier and more pleasurable to handle. 4. Get an enthusiastic vibe from other people. Here's where you can experience just how powerful enthusiasm is when we communicate with each other. Listen to CDs with enthusiastic people – Brian Tracy and especially Tony Robbins is two helpful guys – for perhaps 20 minutes and when you are done listening you'll probably feel a lot more enthusiastic. Or hang out with enthusiastic people and get them to talk about what they are enthusiastic about. Enthusiasm is contagious, so use that fact to help yourself (and others when you are feeling enthusiastic). 5. Act yourself into an enthusiastic state. Emotions work backwards too. Move and talk like you do when you are enthusiastic. Take the actions that you take when you are enthusiastic. And soon acting as you would like to feel will actually make you feel enthusiastic. 6. Keep your energy up. These last two tips are helpful to more easily reach an enthusiastic state and to stay there. It takes energy to be enthusiastic. So if you are having trouble feeling that emotion then it might be because one or more basic energy problems. So get enough sleep. Eat well and not more or less than enough. Work out. Drink plenty of water . 7. Be careful with your information intake. Negative and apathetic voices from media or people around you can quickly drain your enthusiasm. Replace such intake with more enthusiastic and positive sources. Don't let you enthusiasm drown in a sea of negative voices . What is your best tip for increasing enthusiasm?

If you haven't been living under a rock for the last 30 years I'm pretty sure you know who Bruce Lee was. :) If you have, then you may be interested to know that Lee was a very famous martial artist and actor who sparked the first big interest of Chinese martial arts in the West in the 60's and 70's. But besides being an awesome fighter and iconic figure Lee also had some very useful things to say about life. Here are 7 of my favourite fundamentals from Bruce Lee. 1. What are you really thinking about today? “As you think, so shall you become.” Perhaps the most basic statement of how we work. Think about what you are thinking today. What do those thoughts say about you? About your life? And how well do they really match your plans for your life and your image of yourself? It's easy to forget about this simple statement in everyday life. It's easy to be quite incongruent with what you think on an ordinary day compared to how you view yourself and your goals. A simple external reminder such as a post-it with this quote can be helpful to keep you and your thoughts on the right track. An brilliant and beautiful expansion on this thought can be found in James Allen's “As a man thinketh”. 2. Simplify. “It's not the daily increase but daily decrease. Hack away at the unessential.” “If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you'll never get it done.” If you want to improve your life then it's tempting to want to add more. One problem with this may be that you don't really have the time or energy to do more though. And so your efforts to improve become short-lived. Adding more and more just creates more stress, worries and anxiety. Removing clutter and activities, tasks and thoughts that are not so important frees up time and energy for you to do more of what you really want to do. And as the clutter in your outer world decreases the clutter in your inner world also has a tendency to decrease. This has the added benefit of making it easier to actually enjoy whatever you are doing even more while you are doing it. Adding more thoughts and thinking things over for the 111:th time may create a sense of security. It's also a good way to procrastinate and to avoid taking that leap you know you should take. And the more you think, the harder it gets to act . Perhaps because you want to keep that comforting sense of security and avoid the risk of wrecking that feeling. Thinking has its place. It can help you plan a somewhat realistic route to your goal and help you avoid future pitfalls. Overthinking is however just a habit that will help you waste a lot of time. It's more useful to replace that habit with the habit of just doing it. 3. Learn about yourself in interactions. “To know oneself is to study oneself in action with another person.” The one person that is the hardest to get to really know may be yourself. Studying yourself while you are alone may result in some insights. But it's also likely to produce a lot of made up thought loops and doubts in your mind. A good way to really learn more about yourself is study yourself in interactions with other people. How people react and act in these interaction can over time teach you a lot. And what you think and how you react can perhaps teach you even more. What you see, feel and hear in other people may be a reflection of you. The things you learn by thinking this way may not always be pleasant, but they can be enlightening. They help you to see yourself and also how you may be fooling yourself. And these powerful insights can be very valuable for your personal growth. So, in interactions with others, try asking yourself: what is reflected? 4. Do not divide. “Take no thought of who is right or wrong or who is better than. Be not for or against.” This is a very useful and powerful thought. It is also one that obviously is hard to live by. Why? I believe it's because the ego loves to divide and find ways to “add more” to itself. It want's to feel better than someone else. Or more clever. Or prettier. Or cooler. Or wiser. How can you overcome this way of thinking and feeling? To me it seems to boil down to not identifying so much with your thoughts or feelings. That doesn't mean that you stop thinking or feeling. It just means that you realize – and remember in your everyday life – that the thoughts and emotions are just things flowing through you . You are not them though. You are the consciousness observing them. When you realize and remember this it enables you to control the thoughts and feelings instead of the other way around. It also enables you to not take your thoughts too seriously and actually laugh at them or ignore them when you feel that your ego is acting out. When you are not being so identified these things you become more inclined to include things, thoughts and people instead of excluding them. This creates a lot of inner and outer freedom and stillness. Instead of fear, a need to divide your world and a search for conflicts. To learn more about this I would recommend Eckhart Tolle's books like “The Power of Now” and “A New Earth”. 5. Avoid a dependency on validation from others. “I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine.” “Showing off is the fool's idea of glory.” The ego wants to add because it thinks it's not enough. One way of doing that is by craving validation from others. We want to feel smart, pretty, successful and so on. And the validation makes you feel good for a while. But soon you need a new fix. And the problem with being dependent on validation from other people is that you let other people control how you feel . This creates a rollercoaster of emotion in your life. To find more emotional stability and to take control of how you feel you need to get your validation from to a more consistent source. Yourself. You can replace the expectations and validation of others by setting your own expectations and by validating yourself. And so you validate yourself by thinking about how awesome you are. You don't sell yourself short. You appreciate how far you have come and the positive things you have done. You appreciate your own value in the world. You set goals and you achieve those goals. This builds confidence in yourself and in your abilities. These things will help you to build a habit of inner validation. Now, showing off. Why do we do that? To get validation from others. However, this need for validation often shines through and that is why a thing like bragging seldom works. Instead of seeing the cool and successful person you are trying to project people just see the insecure and needy person looking for validation. And your bragging falls flat. 6. Be proactive. “To hell with circumstances; I create opportunities.” It's easy to get locked into a reactive mindset. You just follow along with whatever is happening. You do what the people around you do. You react to whatever is going on. And so you get lost in your circumstances. This way of thinking doesn't feel too good. You tend to feel powerless and like you are just drifting along. A more useful and pleasurable way of living is to be proactive. As Bruce says: to create opportunities despite the circumstances around you. This feels better and provides better results (no matter if that with your blog or business, while dating or when it comes to your health). But on the other hand it's also more difficult. It's easier to just drift along in the reactive stream of life. And if you want to be proactive then you may have to take the lead quite often. And that can be scary. Still, living proactively is so much more rewarding and exciting. 7. Be you. “Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it.” Just being yourself is a hard thing to do. You may do it sometimes. And other times you may forget or fall back into old thought patterns. Or you may imitate someone else. And that comes through too. And it may work. But I believe that being the real you will work better . Because there the genuine you is shining through. Without incongruency, mixed messages or perhaps a sort of phoniness. It's you to 100%. It's you with not only your words but you with your voice tonality and body language – which some say is over 90% of communication – on the same wavelength as your words. It's you coming through on all channels of communication. So I'm not saying: “yeah man, you should just be yourself because it's the right thing to do etc”. I'm saying that I think being your authentic self – the one where you do little dividing, the one that needs little validation from others, the one where your ego is not running the show and trying to get something from someone – will give you better results and more satisfaction in your day to day life because you are in alignment with yourself. And because people really like genuine and people really like authenticity.